Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: xarxax on September 16, 2016, 09:18:48 PM

Title: Embracing Humanity back
Post by: xarxax on September 16, 2016, 09:18:48 PM
Hello everyone,

I didn't want to start a journey since I thought myself capable of just abstaining from porn&masturbation.
*you may not be interested in my story, skip until the line of emotes if you don't want to read it,but it feels necessary for me to write it in order to give myself some context to my excuses*
Who am I?
I'm a boy studying computer engineering (96% boys careers are hard), I had stopped watching P once (keeping M), after watching some videos from Simple Pickup(I would recommend them 100%, as they are encouraging on how to be able to flirt with a girl valuing her as for what she is, learning how to start a bond with her, learning how to have both fun while doing so).
At that point my life started going genuinely good. I don't mean sorta ok, having fun at times. I mean savoring every moment, every food, noticing how people changed and feeling really empathized to them. Feeling that I am sharing problems and that I understand how other people feel intensely. Eventually ended up meeting a girl, having fun with her, loving her, being loved back, good times. I was able to keep a perfect balance in life and fall in love with myself as well.
This is where things turn, as summer aproached, and I had more free time, well not yet, as I was on finals, and had had a partner in a ridiculously hard practic subjet who was a potato partner. You may had had some, the kind of partner that comes the first day with a copied assignment and gives it for the both. Then when teacher comes back and tells you "your practice was copied. You have a 0 on this one, and I'm being generous" he looks at you and shrugs. Then when you try to work with him so that the event doesn't repeat all he does is search in google literally the title of the assignment, copies it, pastes it, and it obviously won't work because it isn't even the assignemnt you were asked. And he does it thrice, just in case. No more words to describe this guy are needed. I basicly had to do all those practices by myself, managed to until finals somehow, but due to pressure I ended up watching porn once again.
And then little by little that poisoned the relationship with the girl, made the days grey again, sex was becoming awful(this struck me as odd as it was great at first) and she ended up leaving me. Can't blame her, I was in no way her partner anymore when she left me...
So this year days were covered in grey again, and I had met a new girl with whom I had casual sex. Then she went on an exchange program, I didn't have much libido while she was away, and when she came back things were the same. I even had problems getting it up. I just felt like... I didn't enjoy sex. I had a strong guess it was porn. Researched and watched The Great Porn Experiment Video. I thought it was my case, but didn't give up M just like the first time I was in this situation. Since then I've watched porn every 2 months aprox, and masturbated as frequently as I felt necessary(3 days on average).
I guess that's my story up until now, the last part is  shorter as there haven't been that many interesting things.
 >:( :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
I want to title my Journal Embracing Humanity Back, as that is what I feel I lost, being able to share deep bonds with other people is what makes me more valuable as a person to me, PMO is part of the problem and my asocial tendencies are the other part I think. I want to wholeheartedly help my friends, I want to have the most intimate of feelings when being in private with my couple. I want shiny days and the most tasty food again. So to the very least I'm going to go for the 90 days with no porn no masturbation, can't say about orgasms as I think having a partner is healing. Those 90 days may be extended to 120 days, if I feel its appropiate. I will not P because it takes me far from the people I care. I will not M  because I'm scared of it feeling too related to porn. After those 120 days are over, I can M again, if I really feel like it's not toxic for my life.

I am trying to also improve my social skills, as I feel like I'm not doing so well on new groups, and I remember being an ace when meeting new people when I didn't watch porn.

Today I am typing after failing myself and having a relapse on day 11. I mean it when I say I failed myself as today wasn't feeling with too many urges compared to the last days, but for some reason decided to say, "hey it's ok to do it, morning erections are almost daily and you have less trouble socializing. Also you don't think about perversions every time you see a girl(just having some random masturbatory urges for like 5-15 min, without anything coming to mind that isn't normal in sex). It seems like you have already overcome it "

This is a text to future me, if it helps anyone else it will make me happy as well  :) :
If you had already overcome you wouldn't dare touching porn again, knowing that is literally poisoning your interaction with future sexual partners and making you lose comunication to your partner. You woudn't voluntarily be like hey, let's turn into a worse human.You wouldn't say, hey, I'm smoking a box of cigarretes because I'm not a smoker and I know it won't become a problem,  you are lying to yourself, you know perfectly well that any person that doesn't REALLY need cigs wouldn't do that

So here we go, day 0 again, I'll trust that message I got sent and prepare myself for it, if I'm feeling too tempted I'll go read this.
If someone is going through something similar and wants to talk about it feel free to message me, I'd apreciate having someone to rely on a moment where it feels not worth to keep doing this, or just whenever I get crazy urges.

Title: Re: Embracing Humanity back
Post by: xarxax on September 22, 2016, 04:33:17 PM
Here we go, 5 days 100% clean.

I basicly got back to having no free time & being at university, so that helped a lot. Also I got to meet some old friends, which made me happy and felt like I could still be a decent human being ^^

Since I was really not used to doing anything useful, changing to going to class & having things to do daily has made me feel exhausted, which is something that helped as well, I tend to sleep a LOT when I'm getting adapted to a new routine, and I mean 10-13 hours, half the time I was sleeping in half the time I had classes to attend or work to do :)

I feel stressed, but it's something I can take, and I know that if the pressure is too much I can ask others for help. Not much of an update, but I wanted to check how long had I been doing well.
Title: Re: Embracing Humanity back
Post by: willtochange on September 22, 2016, 06:57:21 PM
Good to hear you are doing well.
Title: Re: Embracing Humanity back
Post by: xarxax on September 25, 2016, 06:38:58 PM
Thank you Will!

Today I am typing here instead of wanking, so victory!

I went out a bit the weekend, had a second date w/ a girl who's 18, the days off PMO certainly helped having fun with her and just getting to know each other. This was the first new girl I dated in a year, so I'm pretty happy about it.
Weekend with lots of free time was tempting, but I know how my urges are. I know they have a living time of at most 30 min, then I am absolutely ok. I took a mental note so that that could help in the future, I only need to find something that takes around 30 min and that I can do anytime I'm at home with my laptop. Then I wil be able to think,"well instead of wanking I'm doing this".
Can't assure it will work, but I read it somewhere and it sort of feels similar to the way I think.
Title: Re: Embracing Humanity back
Post by: willtochange on September 25, 2016, 06:54:29 PM
This is great man, keep pushing.
Title: Re: Embracing Humanity back
Post by: xarxax on September 27, 2016, 08:31:49 PM
Aparently I tend to update this every three days. Not feeling any urges now, I'm scared of hitting a flatline right tomorrow(I have the first exam of university) but I feel I'm doing well. Thank you Will for your assistance:) :D

Today there is not much to tell. I went to university, did final preparations for an exam I have tomorrow.

Also I went to the organizers of our university party, since they have a team dedicated to it, and a couple friends recommended me to hang out there if I wanted to enrichen my social life. Played smash bros with some of them, got devastated all the time, still had fun. Also talked again to some people I hadn't to since 1 and a half years ago, mainly because I didn't know what to talk them about.

I met my ex today, was probably with her new boyfriend. I feel like he is a bit of a pushover, not sure what else to feel about them both. It's not like we talked much since the breakup. It's not like we talked at all.

Also I decided to have a 3d date with the 18yo girl. I was hard almost all the date, not sure if anyone reads this and can relate to this problem but an ounce of physical contact has that effect on me. It's not particularly bothering until I have to walk, and I can remember this happening not that long ago(and a regression sounds like a thing to happen with reboot, as when you forget things you forget them recursively, at least it happens that way in Alzheimer). It doesn't just happen with anyone, only when I feel like I'm with someone I find sexy, so it's reassuring that this is working. This is precisely what I wanted to get back, so stopping now is out of question.

I am doubting whether I should go ahead and try to make love or let things proceed slowly. I mean I feel I don't get distracted when I'm with her, still I don't get the old thoughts that made me feel horny for sex(slowly opening the legs, caressing the girl behind the thighs to tease her, embracing slowly and feeling her figure press against mine).  That makes me wonder whether I'm far from patching myself up or I'm at a blank state where I just need to relearn what was sexy for me.

2 last things:
- Here, have a bit of peace for your soul
- I don't really feel blue-balled after the date, although we just kissed, maybe it's true that we "have sex" in order to feel
Title: Re: Embracing Humanity back
Post by: willtochange on September 27, 2016, 10:22:46 PM
Sounds like things are going well in your reboot man, keep on pushing.