Reboot Nation

Journals => Ages 20-29 => Topic started by: Christian on August 27, 2016, 12:25:44 AM

Title: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on August 27, 2016, 12:25:44 AM
        My names Christian. I'm 23 years old, a college student, and I have been trying to reboot for over a year now. I haven't posted in a few months, so I decided it was time for a new journal. I still kept my old journal; I've learned that it is a good idea to hold on to old writings, you may enjoy looking back one day.

        I wanted to start posting and getting involved again because I have fallen down the slippery slope of PMO like so many before me. My relapses have become less frequent and less severe, but they are still a burden in my life. I have made incredible progress over the last year; I feel more confident in myself, my mind has slowly started to become clearer, and I have developed a healthy lifestyle. But when dealing with PMO, staying clean 90% of the time and "Feeling great" are not enough to win the war. So I am back. Some of the negative things that have happened in my life since my last journal entry are: I have fallen out of my awesome gym routine, I am not reading as much as I want to or need to, and I have picked up bad habits of using P subs if I can't get the real thing.

        My main focus these next two weeks are getting back to my gym routine. I run in the morning, and lift weights in the afternoon. I will start by getting up and running tomorrow morning, and if I feel to "out of it" in the afternoon, I will still go and at least do some push-ups or bench press. I will remind myself that Rome wasn't built in a day, and my strength will not return for a good couple weeks. Luckily I have only been out of the gym for about 4 months, so I know that with some dedication things will return to normal. 

        I have school starting again in a few weeks. I am taking an English 101 class and a Math 93 (I dropped out of high-school so I'm way behind in math). I am going to do everything I can to help myself succeed in my classes. That includes making sure that I run in the morning, even if I feel busy or too tired. It is crucial to help me stay focused. I am going to try to be strict about getting my work done as soon as possible, and not let myself get behind again. Part of the reason I am so far behind in Math is because I didn't study, and tried to finish all of my work at once. In my writing class I am going to make sure I read every night before bed. Besides being something that I enjoy, I know that it helps my mind stay sharp for the following day. Those are the main things I want to focus on in school this quarter. Its only two classes so I shouldn't feel to stressed about things. I will have enough free time to work on my recovery which I know I will appreciate later on.

        I'm sure this isn't the most interesting thing to read but I will try to make my future posts more entertaining. Since I am fresh off a relapse I have a bit of brain fog, and you know how that makes things. A little about myself: I have been watching porn since I was 14, but stopped from 17 to 18, then started again sometime after that. I stopped watching porn because I had a serious girlfriend and was in love. Remembering how good things in my life felt when I was in a relationship is partly what motivated me to reboot. Even my Ex could see that something had changed since we had last seen each other. She described it as "Christian, I think your addicted to sex" and she was totally right. I just didn't take it seriously at the time, being 18 and all. On top of that she said "You used to be so confident" and that one bothered me a bit more. She was totally right. Even though that was years ago and the relationship is long over, I learned a ton. It gives me a reference of what I never want to be again, what I am trying to get away from.

        I discovered Rebootnation when I was 21 and had just moved to Washington. As soon as I watched a video on Youtube about PIED, I knew that porn was effecting my life in a negative manner. I think everyone here had known before that porn was bad for us, but we just needed that undeniable evidence, that we couldn't get away from, to accept it. Shortly after I made an account here and have been trying to go for 90 days ever since. I have made it 30 days two times, and have made it 15 multiple others. But I can never seem to take it to fruition. On my most successful stints I was posting on here daily and being active in the community. So that is what I am going to do again. I am going to give it my all, as I did before.

        The title of my journal is about not worrying when you mess up something in life. Whether its a relapse, or some other mistake you made, just keep moving on. All of the people around you, the world, and the universe is going to keep moving forward whether you do or not. There is no time (or reason great enough) to feel guilty about mistakes in your past. This is the greatest lesson I have learned in my recovery, and I hope it helps someone else as much as it did for me.

        That's all I have for tonight, I will post again tomorrow.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: willtochange on August 27, 2016, 03:39:42 AM
Welcome back man, happy to read your journal during your reboot.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on August 28, 2016, 01:57:17 AM
Things went pretty well today. I caught a nicet sized trout this evening and got a new TV for my room. Those are the only major things. I wanted to get to the gym today, but I couldn't get to sleep last night until 3 and I just wasn't rested enough this morning. I do feel tired tonight though so I know that with some heavy reading I will crash at a decent hour.

Thanks WillToChange for the comment, it feels good to have support getting through this.

Some cool updates since my previous journal: I finished my typing class and am now able to type consistently at 35 wpm. I am moving towards 50 wpm day by day now, and can't wait to get there. I have discovered the joy of being outdoors again; fishing has been a ton of fun the last few weeks. Fishing is something that I never had the patience to appreciate before, but now I can't get enough of it. It also gets me out of the house and away from my electronics, which is in itself an achievement. I have set up a strict porn blocker on my computer and I had my mom set the password.  It keeps my computer limited to things to do with school and its been a great thing for me so far. If you have been hesitant on putting in a porn blocker, I highly recommend it. It gives you a ton of relief knowing that even if you tried to look up porn, you can't. I have been getting back to my awesome reading habits the last couple days. After not reading for a while, the first couple days can feel like a grind. But once you find your focus and imagination, its an incredible skill. My ability to read was something I had lost when I was using porn. It just looked like words on a page to me, and no-matter how colorful the writing was, I couldn't get myself engaged in the story. Now it is slowly coming back to me. Seeing and feeling the improvement happen gives me great hope with recovery. Changes to your brain are possible and will happen with enough time and hard work.

I haven't had any alcohol for about a year now, and the same goes for smoking weed and other drugs. Getting off the other stuff was a crucial step in my recovery. When I initially stopped using drugs/alcohol, I didn't even know about "Rebooting". I wanted to go back to school and get an education, so hopefully one day I can get a job that can support a family. Previously I was drinking/smoking with PMO every day, basically self medicating. I didn't realize I was self medicating with PMO until later on. But looking back, no wonder it has been taking so long for me to recover. Its more than just PMO I am getting over. I am basically trying to re-write my brains teenage years of getting fucked up every day.

That's enough of a rant for one night. Long story short, I'm slowly getting back on track. "One day at a time", "Easy does it", those are the classics, and a great place to start for me.

“Hope is a waking dream.” - Aristotle
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on August 29, 2016, 01:27:13 AM
Day 4: I finally got to back to the gym today and it felt great, I can't wait till I get back in really good shape again. All I did was a small run, but just getting started is a huge step in itself. I went fishing afterwards and that was also a lot of fun. I caught a ton of trout by the time I decided to head back; overall it was a blast. I gave myself a nice sunburn as well, a good reminder that I need to spend more time outside. Sometime this week I want to go mountain-biking, and try to work it into my morning routine instead of running. I also want to try riding in the evening a couple times to see how hard I can push myself. But for now I will focus on getting to the gym twice a day, everyday this week. I am also trying to correct my sleep schedule, so getting up in the morning and running is a great way to fix that. The only other major thing I finished today was getting some laundry done, which is always a good thing. Even small accomplishments like chores around the house are enough to keep me motivated in my recovery. That's basically what happened today. Since doing my laundry I have been watching some videos. Sometimes an uneventful day is just as great or better than one that isn't. I have a busy day tomorrow though; I have to pay my tuition and have the cable guys come set up another cable box for a new TV I got. Both are good things I don't feel to stressed about. When I get some free time tomorrow I am going to read through some of the other journals on here; It's awesome being able to read and learn about other people going through the same thing.

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” - Dale Carnegie
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: willtochange on August 29, 2016, 10:32:17 PM
Sounds like things are coming along nicely, keep it up.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on September 02, 2016, 01:58:30 AM
Day 8: Things have been going well the last couple days. I have one week down now, and it feels good to know that I'm making progress in my recovery again. I had a close call on day 6 when I looked at some posters on Amazon that were pornographic (they were for a videogame). I didn't think they would be that graphic but they were, and I closed the page and moved on. I wish I had looked away sooner and hadn't seen the posters at all but I am ready to move on in my life. I walked away and it was the right thing to do. I learned my lesson.

Thanks WillToChange I appreciate it.

I started talking with my dad again the last couple days and that is also a good thing. He wanted to go mountain biking with me but the weather has been bad so I called it off. I will try and set something up with him tomorrow. It is important to keep an active relationship in my parents lives, even if things aren't great between us. I just have to be the bigger man.

I saw my physical therapist about my back on Wednesday and she thinks that I have come far enough in my recovery that I can stop coming in. I wasn't sure if everything was healed yet but she sounded confident in my current condition. If I have any later problems I can always go back to the doctor for a later appointment. I have to believe that things are going to heal.

I have been getting back to my gym routines again and I am proud of myself. I will go run tomorrow morning and lift weights in the afternoon; writing it down always encourages me to do it. I got up super late today so I went fishing instead of going to the gym. I was still really sore from the last couple days of lifting, so no harm was done. I will get right back into it tomorrow.

Fall has officially started so I will start riding my bike in the mornings and afternoons. I can't let these nice days go to waste. I know I will be happy with myself later when I finish the ride, I always do.

Last thing I wanted to say was I was having some fantasizing thoughts today. I got away from them but they are still annoying. I know part of it is related to me actually being horny and wanting partnership, but the worst half reminds me too much of porn. I'm not going to worry about it too much and just try to keep my mind busy with other things. I have school starting in a couple weeks so there's no excuse for boredom. The thoughts have given me a bit of brain fog, but after some reading tonight and a run tomorrow morning I will feel better. That's all for tonight's rant.

“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape.” - Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on September 03, 2016, 01:53:26 AM
Day 0: I had a mild relapse today; I didn't PMO or MO, but I looked at P subs and couldn't get control of the fantasizing. Resetting my counter sucks but its the right thing to do. I really want to move on with my life, and porn addiction is something I don't want anymore. I realize I will never be "cured" but getting my life in control again will be enough for me. I am going to take a nice run at the gym tomorrow to get a fresh start. I had problems getting up this morning and ended up eating a bunch of junk food and doing nothing but watching TV all day. That is partly what contributed to my relapse. Plus going far enough to see those posters on Amazon shows that had gone to far and was close to relapsing already. Another lesson learned.

Posting in my journal what happened is the right thing to do, and I am looking toward tomorrow already. That's all, goodnight.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: prozilla on September 03, 2016, 01:08:07 PM
It's better to reset the counter than continue lying to ourselves. Every time we reset is a good opportunity to ask ourselves what we're going to do differently this time. If we do the same exact thing over again, we're going to get the same exact results. Maybe eating junk food or watching TV all day had something to do with your PMO, just a thought.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Sunborn on September 04, 2016, 08:18:21 PM
Hey man, thanks for sharing. I find myself in a similar situation. Started my reboot about a year ago, made some good attempts and progress. Ended up falling back in the habit and leaving these forums for a long time. After some recent major life changes I lost my good habits, and have decided to work to getting back on track again. Cool to see you are working towards the same goals. We can do this!
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on September 07, 2016, 03:08:20 AM
Day 2: Your totally right Prozilla. Doing nothing all day and expecting progress in my recovery is crazy. Looking back I can see that now. Even if I feel tired or things feel out of place, I need to get up and get things done.

Thanks Sunborn, I know one day we will both be completely recovered. Its good to here someone is going through a similar situation. Seeing others here trying to reach the same goals as me is what one thing that gives me motivation to continue.

I have managed to not relapse any further so far, I did MO this morning.It was only once, and I focused on feeling instead of visual thoughts. I'm not going to MO anymore during my 90 days, I want to go completely hard-mode. I am going to set my goals for smaller increments to help with feeling accomplished. Currently in my life I am having a hard time staying motivated, and that is half the battle during rebooting.

I am going to try and get back to the gym tomorrow. I always fall off after a relapse, and the days leading up to the relapse I was busy and didn't go to the gym as much as I wanted to. Most importantly I need to run. Running has played a huge role in my recovery, and I already miss it. I can remember days that I felt I needed to run just to get off that day. It had become my new, healthy, positive drug. I want that feeling again. The weightlifting will come back around, I will take it one workout at a time. I start school in about a week and I am trying my best not to feel the pressure. Until school starts I am going to try and get outside as much as possible. I've noticed that just being outside makes me feel better. I will try mountain biking and fishing the rest of the week, and maybe even combining the two.

I have had a rocky relationship with my parent the last couple weeks. I haven't seen my dad in about a month, and I got into an argument with my mom a couple days ago and haven't spoken with her since. I will try to get things back into place over the next week. Its the right thing to do and I want to go into classes feeling like my parents support me. Being alone in my life right now, they are the only friends have. I will also try to see my grandparents in a couple days, maybe even tomorrow. They wanted me to get some work done and are willing to pay me, so I should go see them, with the added bonus of getting paid.

I am glad to be on track again. I know its only 2 days, but I still feel proud of myself for not letting everything go down the drain for a week again. One day at a time. That's all I have for tonight, I will definitely check out your journals Sunborn and Prozilla. Goodnight!

“Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.” - Robert Louis Stevenson
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on September 11, 2016, 12:43:35 AM
Day 6: Things have been going really well the last few days. I have gotten back to my gym routine, I had my last day of physical therapy, have been taking cold showers almost every day, and have been eating healthy. Today is my first day off from the gym and doing stuff. I have mostly been watching TV but am going to play video games after I post this. Then it will be back to the routine tomorrow. I am going to go fishing with my dad in the afternoon and that should be a good time. Really that is all I have to post about. I have been doing good with the cravings and other things. I am in a bit of a flatline but I know it will get better if I keep in the right direction. I am also going to get some reading in tonight; it's a priority.

On a side-note, I had a breakthrough while reading yesterday. I was burying myself in a book outside when I realized my focus and ability to read had come back to me. It had been years since I felt it but I was happy for its existence. I felt alive, and a wind of confidence generated in me; it was like that first cup of coffee in the morning, but it never wore off. More evidence that something I am doing is working in my minds favour. I hope my recovery continues in this direction for awhile. Goodnight!

“The unexamined life is not worth living.” - Socrates
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on September 12, 2016, 12:09:39 AM
One week down!: Overall things have gone really well this week. I have gotten back to the gym, I'm eating healthy, and I'm taking cold showers. My next goal is to take some time off the computer and internet. I notice myself being uncontrollably drawn to electronics, and its a habit I want to move on from. At 23 I want my free time to consist of reading and productive things. Not playing old school video games for 2 hours. But I will work into it slowly. My main objective is staying on track in recovery. If that means playing some video games to kill boredom, so be it. I am going to make sure that I call my grandparents tomorrow and see if I can do some yard work for them. They said they wanted to pay me and I would just be happy to see them. They are getting old and I don't want to regret not spending enough time with them. And I do love them and enjoy seeing them. Sometimes they are a bit harsh about the conditions of my life, but if they knew what was going on they would understand. That is what has happened in my life this last week, and a bit of what's ahead.

I'm shot on the typing and journaling for tonight, I hope everyone is having a great fall!

“What Is Love? I have met in the streets a very poor young man who was in love. His hat was old, his coat worn, the water passed through his shoes and the stars through his soul” - Victor Hugo
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: doingit on September 12, 2016, 04:31:57 AM
Go on man, you are on the right track!
Be careful to not get caught by porn stimulation during your free time - boredom can be dangerous!
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on September 15, 2016, 12:54:47 AM
Day 10: Things have been going really well the last couple days. I have been staying active in the gym and can feel my strength and physique returning; slowly but surely. I have been reading every night before bed whether it is a little or a lot. I have been fixing my sleep schedule and can finally get up around 8 and go to bed around 12. With just these few things I feel much better and healthier. They hail in comparison to the achievement of being clean 10 days, but I am still happy with the progress I have made. The last thing to fix in my daily schedule is to run/ab workout in the morning. I am going to try for the first time tomorrow. I have been unable to go because of waking up so late, but I finally got up early enough the last two mornings that I can go without conflicting my schedule.

I saw my grandparents yesterday and they are really happy with how I am doing. Just seeing the spark of proudness and happiness in their eyes gives me a ton of confidence. I want to carry and build off that confidence during my recovery; I always will remember they are one of my biggest supporters.

A great habit that I have picked up is making a physical object that tracks how many days clean i have. I put a calendar up on my wall and cross out the days I have completed. Seeing that calendar every morning and evening has given me a ton of motivation these last few days. Physically seeing your progress grow on something is a rewarding feeling. I recommend trying it if you want to make your recovery more interesting. And whatever you're using to track your days will turn into a piece of artwork at the end of your recovery. I have read other great suggestions such as tying knots in a piece of rope every day.

I am going to spend my Friday and Saturday with my dad; we are going to go look at a cabin he is interested in and then biking/fishing somewhere. While I am with him it will be a great Opportunity to take time off the internet and other electronics. I haven't binged on video games for a week and want to work my way of watching youtube/stuff. I do want to play video games again one day, I just want to feel like I have earned it. I think 15 days is a great place to try playing for a bit again. But I will make sure that all of my daily stuff is finished first before I play.

That covers everything for me over the last couple days. It feels great to be on track again and I can feel my ability to focus slowly returning. Also, I feel the brain-fog slowly going away. You are right doingit, boredom is the mind-killer. I am making sure to do things throughout the day, even if they are small. I have a new appreciation for household chores. I now view them as not just menial tasks, but reminders that there is no excuse for me not to be busy; there is always something I could be doing. I hope everyone finds success this fall and thanks for reading!

“What is now proved was once only imagined.” - William Blake
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on September 19, 2016, 12:49:39 AM
Day 14: Things have been going really well the last few days. I spent the weekend at my dads' place and had a great time fishing with him. We also took a drive up around Washington looking at cabins he is interested in. That is mainly what consisted of my weekend. It was good to see my father again, though. I hadn't seen him in a couple weeks, so it was time. Sometimes you just have to put your emotions aside and do the right thing.

In terms of my recovery, things have been going really well. My mind was clear this whole weekend, and only today did I have trouble with things like fantasizing. I am still going strong, though, so no worries. I just try to relax and take my mind off things. I've learned that getting upset and angry at myself doesn't help clear my head. I also took a nice run this morning and went fishing this afternoon. I caught a couple decent sized trout and it was a great time altogether.

I start my classes tomorrow and I am a bit nervous but I will get through it. I just have to remember that a lot of the other kids there feel the same way I do. After the first couple days, things always get easier and once I get through that I will feel better about things. I am really happy about the position I am in mentally this time for school. This is the most clean time I have had starting a quarter of college, and I am excited to see where a clean mind can get me in my studies. I do still have a bit of residual brain-fog, but it will clear up over the next couple weeks. But like I said, all in all, I am really happy with how I feel right now; I can't ever expect things in my life to happen perfectly.

The classes I am taking are English 101 and Math 95 ( I dropped out of highschool). I actually qualified for Math 98, but I really want to get things right this time. I will have to take an extra math class and spend an extra quarter in community college, but doing things right the first time will make it all worth it in the end.

I have been keeping up on taking cold showers, reading at night, and working out every day. I am really proud of myself and am going to continue building of what I have accomplished so far. I am close to finishing the 3rd book in the Dark Tower series by Steven King. The series is a really fun and easy read if anyone is looking for some books to start out reading with. I am going to finish getting ready for tomorrow. Stay strong and on track in your recovery; always remember how important the small daily habits are.

“The mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be kindled.” - Plutarch
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on September 24, 2016, 01:56:23 AM
Day 18: Even though school has been a bit tough this week, I am still really proud of myself for making it so far. I did feel stress and had some tough urges this week, but I made it through it. I am hitting a point again where the days and time seem to be moving by slower than usual. Has anyone else had similar feelings? It feels as if I am more aware of time. The last two days have gone by especially slow. I was a bit annoyed by the feeling at first, but now I am starting to get used to it. Acceptance that things will be uncomfortable and difficult has helped me get to 18 days, and I will try my best to remember that when I feel stressed.

I am at the Washington Coast with my dad right now. We just drove in tonight and I am super excited for tomorrow. We are going to drive on the beach with his jeep and then ride our fat bikes after. I also brought my fishing gear so I can cast in a few times. The coolest thing about being here is you can drive on the beach. We already took the jeep out tonight and it was a blast.

I have had some urges with fantasizing the last couple days but somehow I have managed to keep things under control. I try not to get too angry with myself, think about something else, and remember to keep moving on. I feel that I have been in this position of "being about to relapse" so many times that I am getting sick of it. I want to get through this and move on with my life. That is where I am at now. It's getting pretty late now though so I am going to call it a day and go read. Thanks for reading and stay strong, one day at a time is the key to success.

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
That word is love.” - Sophocles
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on September 27, 2016, 12:56:26 AM
Day 21: I am three weeks in. Three weeks. That's not even a month, but it feels like a year since I relapsed. The best way to describe it is things are going great. I have been getting out more, being more social and am staying strong on the road to recovery. I have had a couple rough days, but whenever things got hard and it felt like I was going to make a mistake, I took my mind off of things and did what I needed to move on with the day. That last sentence is the story of the last few weeks. It sounds simple but the results have been amazing. Things are going well in school, I have been doing everything I can to go to the gym consistently, and I am gaining confidence socially. Those are a few of the larger benefits I have been experiencing so far.

I got back yesterday from the trip to the coast of Washington with my dad. It was a ton of fun and we are going back in a couple weeks. We rode our bikes and drove his jeep on the beach every morning, and in the afternoons I went surf fishing for Red Tail Perch. It was the most fun I have had in a long time and I was outside the whole time, I can't wait to go back.

Things in school have been going really well also, I have been keeping up with my work, I have been more outgoing socially, and I have even been noticing some attention from girls on campus. I am even starting to make confident eye contact with a lot of them, and even though it may just be a smile and a good morning, it still feels good. I know I am only 21 days into my journey, and that I have many months ahead of me, but I am going to enjoy the happiness I am experiencing right now. I know there will be days beyond now that will be tough, but enjoying the good ones now makes those days worth getting through.

I am going to finish my book tonight and pick out the next one I want to get started on. I really want to finish the Dark Tower series, but I also want to read a couple other books in between. I don't want to get the burnt-out feeling I did when I read the Game of Thrones series. I really enjoyed the books, but reading them consecutively caused me to get tired of the writing and want to read something else. A lesson learned. The Dark Tower series is also good enough that it is worth trying a break for awhile. I want the reading to feel fresh and exciting again.

I think that is all I have for tonight. I will keep posting updates with how things are going, through the good and the bad. I want to thank everyone who reads my journals. Knowing that someone else can read what I am going through and enjoys my writings is a humbling thing. I hope everyone is learning a lot in their recovery and is enjoying their Fall, but until the next post, goodnight!

“Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants.” - Epictetus
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on October 04, 2016, 03:04:13 PM
I made it 29 days before relapse: I had a rough weekend and my mind started to get away from me. That is the best explanation for my relapse. Luckily I didn't binge as hard as I usually do, and after a couple days, I am back on track again. The last couple days of school have been really tough because I am feeling a lot of brain fog and insecurity after my relapse. But I am moving forward. I am going to go back to the gym tomorrow, but for I am going to take the day off again today.

I'm not angry at myself, I just want to move on with my life so badly. I don't have the time anymore to be upset, you just have to keep walking. I have wasted too much of my life too PMO and MO. And I want the years ahead of me to be without them. It feels like if I could just do that I would find a way to be happy with my life.

I wanted to give an update and explain what happened. I don't know why I relapsed this time. Before it always felt so easy to pinpoint and correct myself, but this time it is a flaw in character that caused me to fall. Even though I had corrected many other bad habits in my life, PMO and MO we still in me laying dormant. All it took was me sleeping with a girl to bring them out again, and even though I knew what was happening I didn't want to stop it. Complete abstinence for my reboot is the answer, even though that isn't what I want to do.

Thanks for reading, I know things will get better with time.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on October 10, 2016, 03:23:09 PM
Day 4: I am back on track with things finally after a rough week. I am starting to move on from the feelings of guilt from my last relapse, and I am slowly getting back into my good habits. Right now the best thing I can do is keep moving forward, I don't need to burden myself with analyzing what happened yesterday.

I saw my dad this weekend and things went a bit rough. He was still sick from earlier this week so he wasn't in the greatest mood, and because of my relapse neither was I. I will try to keep my cool better next time and keep moving forward, and I can't expect him to change. If I want to improve the relationships I have with people I will have to change myself.

I am looking forward to getting back to the gym over these next couple months. Ski season is only a couple months away, and I want to be physically and mentally ready. I am going to pick classes in the late afternoon or evening so I can go skiing in the morning and during the day. I can't wait. I already have a season pass and I am going to get a Go Pro so I can record everything.

That's all for today, thanks for reading and have a great day!
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on October 12, 2016, 11:09:01 PM
Day 6: Things are going well. I had a slow start to the day, but I got all of my things done that I needed to and that is all that matters. I feel bad because I wanted to get to the gym today and I ended up not going. I binged watched youtube videos on accident when I got home, and before I realised it half the day was gone. But I got my stuff together and finished my homework and came on here to post. I am going to make a point not to watch any youtube videos tomorrow, and once my homework and gym time is done, I can play some video games at the end of the night. And that is what my plan is today. Since I have finished everything that I needed to, I have earned a little time to have fun. I would rather be outside doing something or having fun with a friend, but it's alright for now. In the future, I want to take a larger break from video games, if not completely. They just don't get me anywhere. That's all I have to talk about tonight, have a great evening!
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on October 17, 2016, 10:26:10 PM
Day 11: Things are going really well. I feel like I am getting back to myself again, and I have had a couple fun days since my last post. The only bad thing is I think I am getting sick, but other than that, I am happy with how things are going. I am reading nightly again and I am doing well in school. I haven't been to the gym in 4 days, but I am going for sure tomorrow. I always tell myself that, then find some excuse not to go. I don't have any excuse not to go tomorrow so I am. I also want to lay off the youtube videos. I watched a ton today and I feel like crap now. I binge watch youtube the same way I used to watch pornography, and we all know where that got us. So that's another thing I need to conquer.

I have some good goals over the next few days, so that is what I am going to focus on. Working out and not watching youtube videos.

I hope everyone is feeling and doing well. I'll try to post more frequently this go around. I noticed that I stop posting on here whenever I mess up.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on October 20, 2016, 01:20:25 AM
Day 13:Everything went normally for the day, other than feeling a bit sick. I have been doing a good job of not watching youtube videos and going to the gym. The only reason I am posting is I saw a girl tonight. Everything went ok and I was able to achieve an erection. That is a sign that I am recovering, and I am happy about it. It did feel good to get laid, but after it's over you realize what you really want is a relationship with someone you love. Sex, pornography, or whatever else will never be enough to satisfy me, and my history is evidence of that. I want a relationship, to love and share feelings with someone I consider my equal other. I want to enjoy my success and happiness with a girlfriend, I wasn't designed to be alone.

I was thinking about that after she left. It is something worth sharing.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on October 21, 2016, 08:45:42 PM
Day 15: Today went as usual. Went to the gym, then class, then the gym again. And here I am now. Not a lot has happened, other than some problems with my parents. I haven't spoken to my dad in awhile and my mom is having personal problems. The best thing I can do is keep doing what I need, and not think about it. Time heals all wounds.

I killed it in the gym today, and I am proud of myself. I am in the prime of my life, and I will get back in shape one day at a time. I also am doing well in my math class. I am doing everything I can to understand the concepts, and I am looking forward to next quarter already.

I am going to see my grandmother tomorrow in the tri-cities, so that should be a good time. I will try and go to the gym when I get home. I am doing well with reading every night, the only thing I want to work on is getting to bed before 12. I keep staying up until 1 A.M. so I am super tired in the morning. I am going to help make that easier by having no caffeine from now on. I enjoy drinking coffee and having a soda occasionally, but its too hard on my mind when I can't sleep.

Another day, another thing I learn about myself. I am doing the right thing, and I am proud of my progress, no matter how hard things seem.

“Efficiency is doing the thing right. Effectiveness is doing the right thing.” - Peter F. Drucker
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on October 24, 2016, 07:28:26 PM
Day 18: I had a math test today and it went really well. I worked until the very end of class and I feel confident I will do well. In general, I had a good day today, but it had a couple rough spots.  I didn't go to the gym at all and I didn't sleep well the night before. I am not going to get bent out of shape, though. I am going to pick up where I left off tomorrow, and remind myself of the end goal I am working for.

I saw my dad yesterday and it was stressful. I am not going to see him for awhile, though, so it's ok. I will feel better about things the next time. I want my family to be a happy one. I don't know what it is now. I will do everything I can to improve relationships with my family members.

Tomorrow I want to write about something positive going on in my life, or a new goal. I will feel better tomorrow. I can't let an off day hold me back, even though I am only on day 18, I feel I have come so far.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on October 30, 2016, 11:54:36 PM
Day 24: Things have been going great lately. I have been on track in my recovery and trying my best to stay focused on my goals.

I have my 24th birthday in November, and I will do everything I can to be clean for it. I have been doing well in school, making new friends, and improving my relationship with my family. Things are getting better slowly but surely.

Some benefits I have noticed over the last 24 days are: I am sleeping better than I have in a long time. I have vivid dreams that I remember when I wake up, and I have morning wood almost daily. I am gaining confidence socially again, and even talking and making better eye contact with girls. It is much easier to focus, and my head feels "clear" when I am doing homework. I feel smart and capable again. The only major downside I have noticed in my recovery so far is I have become a bit lazier about going to the gym. A lot of that relates to the increase in confidence because I don't feel that I "need" to go workout. It is something I am going to work on and address over the next couple weeks.

Overall things are going well and I'm happy with how things are going. I am going to start posting almost daily again. I took a break the last couple days because of a busy week. Stay strong!
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on November 09, 2016, 01:09:51 AM
Day 33: I have been doing ok. The last couple days have been rough because of a relapse in MO yesterday. I felt terrible all day yesterday and today, but I am going to keep going. This is the farthest I have gone without porn for a long time, and I don't ever want to watch porn again. I am going to stick with going hard mode, and try to make it 90 days without both. My birthday is in a couple days, so it will be nice to have some extra money. I am still on rough terms with my family, and I hope with some hard work things will be better between us soon. I'm stressed about some tests I have tomorrow, but I will study in the morning and try to be ready. That's all I have for tonight, I will have a more positive post next time. I wanted to explain what happened and let everyone know that I haven't given up.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on November 13, 2016, 01:15:11 AM
Day 36: I have been celebrating my birthday the last couple days and it has been fun. I'm still having a bit of trouble with social anxiety, but in general, things are getting better. This is the longest streak I have gone without porn since I was 19. It's hard to imagine that was 5 years ago.

My battle against PMO has just begun. For the first time, I am entering the recovery stage of my addiction to pornography. The most important thing is that I am proud of myself for getting this far. I have walked away from temptations many times now, and I will do everything I can to keep on track. I also want to get through 90 days hard mode to kick things off.

At this point in my recovery, I am willing to do anything to heal. This addiction has taken too much of my life away from me. I want to be who I really am, not some person fighting off the effects of watching porn.

“Lost Time is never found again.” - Benjamin Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on November 26, 2016, 12:15:53 AM
Day 6: Relapses are tough. I have the most success when I just start working on the next streak. I am going to do everything I can to get up on time and get to the gym tomorrow. I have been falling asleep really late recently, and I haven't been to the gym in a couple weeks. Those are my goals for now. That's all I have for now, I won't ever give up.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on November 27, 2016, 10:36:52 PM
Day 8: Finding my stride again. That phrase sums up what I am trying to do these next couple weeks. Getting back to the gym regularly, getting homework done without caffeine at night, and having a healthy sleep schedule. I am currently doing none of those three things. Sure, I'm getting by alright: I have good grades in school, I'm not really in that bad of shape, and I get "enough" sleep. But I'm not "proud" of what I am doing right now. I know that what I'm doing isn't my best, and I know I can do better. My confidence has suffered consequently.

The last couple days I have managed to get up at a decent hour, but I have accidently fallen back asleep later in the morning both times. The reason being I slept terribly the night before. I slept terrible the night before because I have been stressed. I have been stressed because I don't feel good about how I am doing right now. I don't feel good about how I am doing right now because I know I can do better. I will do better.

Tomorrow: Gym in the morning, school, homework, gym again, writing/homework, do something fun, read and go to bed.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on December 31, 2016, 11:40:31 PM
Day 0: I had a bad relapse today. I have set up porn blockers on all of my internet access and gave the password to a friend. It's now almost impossible for me to look up porn. I hope this will help push me over the edge and avoid relapse again. I miss posting, I miss my mind being clear, and I miss my body working the way it should. I will post again tomorrow.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on January 03, 2017, 12:26:35 AM
Day 2: I had an awesome day. I went skiing all day today, and we had 28 inches of fresh snow. I have never skied so much powder before; it felt incredible. I just got home, ate some dinner, and here I am.

Going skiing today opened my eyes again to how much I love being outside and around people. I miss feeling like a part of my community. When I started heavily watching porn, I disconnected myself from everyone and everything. I am slowly remembering how much I love being around people, having friends, having a normal happy life. With some hard work and determination, I hope to get those things back. I'm off to watch documentaries and read goodnight!
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on January 23, 2017, 12:51:06 AM
Day 9: Things are great. I am really busy between my classes, homework, skiing and going to the gym but I like being busy. Being busy keeps my mind off things that I shouldn't worry about, which is a blessing.

I am re-learning how to function in the real world right now. What I mean is getting my day to day life organized. More than just going to the gym or studying; I quit watching youtube, any kind of live-streaming, and almost completely playing video games. If I have any free time now, I spend it doing something outside/ going to the gym, and if I want to relax I read whatever book I'm working on. I am starting to put myself "out there" more socially. From small things like answering questions in class, getting my classmates numbers for studying, and having conversations with people on the ski lifts. They are small steps but I am breaking free of my social anxiety's one conversation and introduction at a time.

As I said earlier, I am getting back to my healthy habits and lifestyle. The first couple weeks have been really difficult, but with time I will start to gain the muscle and cardio ability I had when I was working out before. I miss being in shape and I miss the confidence I had in my athletic ability even more. Staying in shape is more than just something I do to be healthy and be my best, it's part of my identity. Just like doing my best in school, doing my best athletically is something that I use to define myself, and I won't let that become a thing of the past because of my laziness. Finding time and motivation with everything going one right now makes it more difficult, but the rewards are even better because of it.

I am going to post as often as I can without letting myself stay up too late. Have a great week everyone!
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on January 28, 2017, 11:17:25 PM
Day 15: I almost relapsed a little bit ago but I didn't. I closed the computer and walked away. I looked at p subs for a few minutes, but I didn't mo. I wish I hadn't gone so far, but I am glad I didn't go further this time. I am going to make another counter just for looking at p subs because of its a problem for me. My mind has a way of replacing one addiction with another, and I need to stop that before it gets out of hand. Seeing how far I went shows how much of an issue it is already. Cut bad habits off at the beginning. Things are going alright in life, I'm getting by in school and I've been getting back into the gym every day. Other than the almost relapse today, things are good in general. I want to keep the streak going.

I will just keep trying to learn until I can get things to work or get my life stable enough to be happy. I can't blame all of my problems on my porn addiction so I will always be looking for ways to improve myself, even on nights like this where I almost relapse. Coming here to write about what happened is the best thing I can do.

Any advice or words of wisdom are always appreciated. Let's keep the counter going, just for one more day.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on January 29, 2017, 01:20:52 AM
Day 0: I decided to reset my counter today after all. What happened was a relapse, just in a different shape. All I can do is grow. I have to remember that I am getting better about things and will continue to improve. It's never over, no matter how many relapses or semi relapses. I am going to take a cold shower to help clear my thoughts.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on February 09, 2017, 12:26:48 AM
Day 11:Things are coming back together. I had an episode of MO last week, but I moved on and things turned out ok. I didn't MO excessively, which is progress. Something is wrong and I can't access the counter website to change or reset my MO count, so I will just take it off my profile until I find a way to fix it.

I have had a couple awesome days of skiing lately, and am super thankful I get to experience it on a regular basis. We have had powder weekend after weekend at my local ski hill, so I'm happy, to say the least.

I have been stressed out with school and finding time for the gym and skiing (problems, right?), but time management was something I have never had to deal with. I was always lazy and assumed things would work out even if I didn't try. I am actually doing really well in school for once, and am trying my best to succeed. Right now I am trying to learn to get up early again. I need the extra hour in the day to help with getting school work done.

Things are moving in the right direction in my life and I'm going to continue the pattern.
Title: Re: The universe has no justice, the world moves on.
Post by: Christian on March 09, 2017, 12:37:58 AM
Day 7: The last couple weeks of school are upon me and I'm staying strong until the end. With one week down I am starting to gain confidence again. I am going to start pushing myself at the gym again, one day and one workout at a time. I went to the gym twice today. It has been too long since I've been doing "two-a-days". It felt great to get back to the gym. It is always slow the first couple months with having to regain the muscle I have lost and all, but I will get back to where I was eventually. I have good grades in both of my classes as well and I am going to try and finish with A's and B's this quarter. I have not had the greatest studying habits but I have made the most of it. I am going to try harder next quarter for the best grades possible. Next quarter I am taking more sociology (hopefully my future major), so I want to be at my best.

I haven't posted on here in a while, but I want to start to more often. Even though I have relapsed in porn more than I would like, I have made progress in my life. Things are better, regardless of my past mistakes. Like the title says though right, the world moves on; I have to move on with it. The first step is to start taking things one day at a time again. I get too ahead of myself, and it always ends in a relapse. I need to plan for getting through one day, then the next. Not weeks and months in advance.

Hey, I'm still hanging in there. I have one week down and tomorrow I will have 8 days. I'm going to think about making a new journal. This one is getting a bit long.