Awake.

1qqq1

Active Member
Hi,
I have been in a pattern of PMO at least pretty much at least once a day for the last 25 years.(I'm 43)
I always thought it was normal just cleaning the pipes you know and everybody does it.
I'm just realizing this but, it has ended up costing me everything. I've never had a long
term relationship with a woman my whole life, just a handful lasting
around a month or so. I am attracted to women but never had that
drive to pursue, now I know why. I have desperately wanted a family
but was never able to make the connection that porn was warping my desires and initiative.
Until now. How can a real woman compete with the endless supply and 
intensity of the 15 or more tabs I have open? 

I feel my life is pretty together in other areas with career, fitness, finances, etc.
The shame I feel and disappointment I have for not noticing this before is disturbing. 
In the last few years or so my use has escalated and escalated,
the more twisted the better, wasting hours on end on almost every
fetish out there.

Anyway, I'm making a change. NO MORE PORN. NO MORE MASTURBATION.
Hopefully It is not too late. I have already had to battle some
very very strong urges to do either or both.
I'm also fighting with severe anxiety but there's great info and wisdom on this website and
YBOP. It's helped me understand a lot. I'm thankful I came across the Ted talk and Gabe's
video. This awakening and the whole process scares me to death but I hope to be balanced enough to have a
normal relationship someday.

thanks.
 

Viper

Well-Known Member
Welcome-
You've come to the right place. So many here with a story similar to yours.
The urges will be there. I've gone through rebooting and I still sometimes think about
some of my favorite porn girls or anyone I caught myself fantasizing about having
sex with. Fact is, there is proof that it can be beat and you will see how the other
half live.

I know that in your advanced age, you feel like the family thing will never happen.
That's not true. I'm willing to bet that some of your anxiety is being drawn from
this concern. Now when you meet a potential mate, you probably think that everything
has to be perfect right out the gate. What are your thoughts on that?
 

1qqq1

Active Member
Thanks for the feedback,
I think your right, I freaked out a little when I came to the realization about what was happening, all those wasted years & the future. That added anxiety to the no fap.  My mind was kicking and screaming about having to stop. Man, I don't want to go through that again. I know my journey is just starting but I've calmed down in the last couple of days which is encouraging.
Feeling depressed & alone probably also played a role in pmo but I'm not sure which came first.
I have found excuses when I met women if things weren't perfect because, in my eyes,
I always had my porn to fall back on and If I didn't have the courage or drive to pursue it wasn't a big deal.
Maybe I just quit trying after a while because of possible rejection (porn never rejected me, just the opposite).  I'm hoping this reboot will help to change that mindset.
 

savingmysoul

Active Member
Welcome to the nation.

you have taken a great first step, and in coming here you will find you are not alone.  Find some activities you enjoy to pursue to get you away from the times when you would PMO.  Take it one day at a time, visit here often, keep up your journal - and read all you can.  Noone is ever too old, and there is no time like the present to start the process to change.

Hang tough and find your strength.
 

Viper

Well-Known Member
1qqq1 said:
Thanks for the feedback,
I think your right, I freaked out a little when I came to the realization about what was happening, all those wasted years & the future. That added anxiety to the no fap.  My mind was kicking and screaming about having to stop. Man, I don't want to go through that again. I know my journey is just starting but I've calmed down in the last couple of days which is encouraging.
Feeling depressed & alone probably also played a role in pmo but I'm not sure which came first.
I have found excuses when I met women if things weren't perfect because, in my eyes,
I always had my porn to fall back on and If I didn't have the courage or drive to pursue it wasn't a big deal.
Maybe I just quit trying after a while because of possible rejection (porn never rejected me, just the opposite).  I'm hoping this reboot will help to change that mindset.

I can totally relate-
It's like you always had your hand when it doesn't work out with the ladies.
I used to hit the night clubs quite a bit and jerking off was always my
contingency plan if I didn't score.
Thing was, it got to the point that even if I got lucky, I still would find time
to beat my meat at some point. So it is a lifestyle regardless.
Because there is always someone else that catches your eye and
turn you on no matter how fine the real woman is.
That's how one can get caught up.
It's like gambling just for fun once in a while.
Then you hit Vegas and you think you have everything under control.
Before you know it, you get caught up and you're in the casino so
long that by the time you walk outside, it's dark.
During your time in there, you probably did get lucky.
But that didn't stop you from playing some more.

That's what jerking off to porn is when it comes to using
it as a back up plan. You know you're gonna get off and
even when you get lucky, it's easy to get caught up
regardless.

You know what you can do though?
If you've gone on some dates and your comfort level with the woman
is at the point where you talk about sex, bring up how you've given up
jerking off and porn. Tell her that you don't judge but have learned
what it could do and that you don't need it in your life. Of course
real sex is always welcomed but you've grown pass fantasy and
prefer to engage real companionship.

She'll think you're the most mature guy in the world.
 

1qqq1

Active Member
Almost 10 Days, It's been a long while since I've gone this long without a release. I'm feeling myself getting stronger and having more confidence ever day.  I am really pretty shocked that I'm seeing any difference so far. My first 3 or 4 days were such hell, maybe it's just the absence of all that initial anxiety, shame, and worry has me feeling more positive. I really didn't think I could go even a week.
l am having urges mostly, in the evening, and usually can just redirect my attention for a few minutes and they go away. But I've found sometimes they seem to follow me around a bit. Going out for a jog or taking the dog for a walk seems to get my mind on track.  Overall the past couple of days have been good and I am thankful for being able to get through the first couple of days.
 

savingmysoul

Active Member
it is good that you are finding alternative activities to fill your time.
it is also good that you know and are aware of your triggers -

congrats on your success so far.
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
1qqq1 said:
Almost 10 Days, It's been a long while since I've gone this long without a release. I'm feeling myself getting stronger and having more confidence ever day.  I am really pretty shocked that I'm seeing any difference so far. My first 3 or 4 days were such hell, maybe it's just the absence of all that initial anxiety, shame, and worry has me feeling more positive. I really didn't think I could go even a week.
l am having urges mostly, in the evening, and usually can just redirect my attention for a few minutes and they go away. But I've found sometimes they seem to follow me around a bit. Going out for a jog or taking the dog for a walk seems to get my mind on track.  Overall the past couple of days have been good and I am thankful for being able to get through the first couple of days.
Keep in mind that when urges knock you do not have to answer. Most of my journey has been easy, but there have been tough moments and, at times, all I could do was live with it and know that desires don't last forever and they will fade away in time.
 

1qqq1

Active Member
Still truckin' along. I'm still having urges to look a porn that feeling seems to be holding steady. I am noticing looking at normal stuff kind of gets me a little fired up like regular tv shows, youtube videos, etc., that have nothing to do with sex.
Also I am getting a little  more confident and at least feeling a little more outgoing. I know people have reported this happens during or after rebooting but  I really thought it was BS and wouldn't effect me in that way.  It doesn't make sense that PMO would have that big an impact on how outgoing you are. I guess chronic use of porn can mess you up in ways you don't even know.

I'm not an introvert but have been a pretty quiet person my whole life. Especially with strangers and especially with good looking women.  Anyway if it's just a placebo I'll take it and I hope it makes me break out of my shell even more.
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
1qqq1 said:
Still truckin' along. I'm still having urges to look a porn that feeling seems to be holding steady. I am noticing looking at normal stuff kind of gets me a little fired up like regular tv shows, youtube videos, etc., that have nothing to do with sex.
Also I am getting a little  more confident and at least feeling a little more outgoing. I know people have reported this happens during or after rebooting but  I really thought it was BS and wouldn't effect me in that way.  It doesn't make sense that PMO would have that big an impact on how outgoing you are. I guess chronic use of porn can mess you up in ways you don't even know.

I'm not an introvert but have been a pretty quiet person my whole life. Especially with strangers and especially with good looking women.  Anyway if it's just a placebo I'll take it and I hope it makes me break out of my shell even more.
I would opine that it does. A lot of guys have reported coming out of their shells after quitting PMO.
 

1qqq1

Active Member
I don't want to say things are getting easier and jinx my progress. I know I will have a setback at some point but I am hoping knowing that and preparing will help me get back on track when it happens.
I am realizing that I have to go through the short term pain and agony and it's really an important in making the long term gain more impactful. I am relating to people a little better each day I distance myself from pmo. Not sure if it's that I don't have to walk around facing people with that shame or embarrassment of knowing what I was doing or what.

Any ideas on when it is ok to MO without porn or fantasy etc. I in reading YBOP it looks like there may be that deltafosB in my head saying go, go go.  Not sure when it goes away. Is MO something that will be detrimental after 30 days or so? I don't want to derail my progress.
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
1qqq1 said:
I don't want to say things are getting easier and jinx my progress. I know I will have a setback at some point but I am hoping knowing that and preparing will help me get back on track when it happens.
I am realizing that I have to go through the short term pain and agony and it's really an important in making the long term gain more impactful. I am relating to people a little better each day I distance myself from pmo. Not sure if it's that I don't have to walk around facing people with that shame or embarrassment of knowing what I was doing or what.

Any ideas on when it is ok to MO without porn or fantasy etc. I in reading YBOP it looks like there may be that deltafosB in my head saying go, go go.  Not sure when it goes away. Is MO something that will be detrimental after 30 days or so? I don't want to derail my progress.
I would suggest going the no MO direction. Save your sexuality for the real thing.
 
Hey 1q!

I'm not a mental health expert, but I've had to deal with depression and anxiety issues in my life. I've been on Lexipro for both (off it for a year now) and have had professional counseling.

Your comments made me stop and think about my history. I won't go through all the details here, but I do feel that when I was in depressive episodes or had on-going anxiety, PMO was a way of self-medicating. I would say that it was similar to when I would self-medicate with alcohol. But I'm just not much of a drinker, so PMO was my drug of choice. It would dull the pain, give me a feeling that there was some kind of happiness in my life, and I would usually be able to sleep better afterward.

Of course, it was an ineffective medication because it didn't fix the depressing things in my life. And spending a couple hours on a PMO episode didn't help me prepare for that stressful exam the next day. PMO heightened my feelings of loneliness. A very solitary experience when I really needed positive human interaction for my well-being. The relief from the pain of depression or anxiety that I got from PMO was very temporary. Doing it every day was only a momentary escape. PMO was an addiction, and there would be withdrawal symptoms when I tried to avoid it. Rather than fixing things, it made the depression or anxiety a little more depressing and stressful afterward.

As far as relationships, I haven't had a real, long-term one either. They take a lot of work. Women are complicated and can be expensive. Investing in a relationship can cause depression and anxiety when things aren't going right. PMO is easy. Unless the internet it down, it is always ready and willing, no need for all the formalities of dating or meeting families. There is no emotional investment. Although the rewards of PMO seem wonderful, in reality it's temporary and not substantial. The internet connection isn't going to make a pot of soup and buy you cough syrup when you're sick. And now learning about PEID it adds a massive reason that PMO needs to go. It's taking me the wrong direction from where I want my life to be going.

Does any of that sound familiar to your feelings?
 

1qqq1

Active Member
Thanks for the feedback. Self medicating with PMO definitely rings true with my life. I see now I may have been numbing the pain of not having an emotional or physical relationship and for years I made it part of my daily routine. It was a way to escape, not feel so lonely, and feel really good for a couple of hours at the end of the day.
I know I was depressed(untreated)  for a long time but lost a bunch of weight about 2 years ago and it did wonders for my attitude and general health but still had a PMO problem that was getting worse. At the time it was more of a solution than a problem.
I will have to deal with issues I was escaping from eventually, whatever they are? Probably not having a girlfriend,  socially anxiety, low self esteem, all of which may have been caused by the porn to begin with.
Am I a porn addict because I am escaping from my inability or fear of trying to get a woman? or can't I get a woman because I am always PMO?
Man that sounds pathetic when I talk about it, I need to quit being such a chicken-shit and just get out of my comfort zone.

For now I'm just trying get through this first 30 days and divert my attention to exercise, health, unfinished projects and things that will make my life better. Hopefully I can create some new routines that aren't so destructive to my self.
 

sonofJack

Member
Diverting energy can have some very measurable benefits. With me, I used to get bored easily; any downtime was treated as pure tedium, and in the past decade led me to PMO. Since opening up those hours that were once dedicated to clicking on links to  look at P, I've discovered a plethora of tasks around this house that are in dire need of my attention, a piano that wasn't as difficult to learn how to master as I'd previously thought, and friends who are always willing to do something.

My wife even commented that I am putting much more effort into cooking our meals. That acknowledgement feels like a reward for my noPMO efforts.
 

1qqq1

Active Member
Man, I edged yesterday, to porn, for about a half hour. It was when I first woke up after not sleeping very much at all. I didn't finish but I read it can be just as bad, if not worse, to recovering as PMO. I didn't have a particularly stressful day or wasn't feeling bad and started by looking at CL and quickly moved over to porn.(at least now I know a trigger.) It happened really fast, just right back in and I felt my will power was off taking a break somewhere. I even thought of all the positive feelings I began to have over the past couple of weeks and was it worth the risk of slipping back to how I was before? I still couldn't stop once I got started. Thank God I was about to be late for work or else I probably would have done it a whole lot longer.
A lot of the negative things that people note on this site really haven't been an issue so far: flatline, loss of libido, no mw,  would be challenging if I had and girlfriend or wife. It may actually be helping me to not turn to porn. This first couple of months I'm just trying to distance myself from pmo and the bad consequences it's had on my life and that is enough for right now.
I'm not sure if I should reset counter because I did the PM just not the O. Seems like I was so close to my 1st goal, but just looking at porn is probably more damaging to me than MO.
Sometimes I wish loudest part of my mind would just shut up and get out of the way of what I am trying to do here. (hope that didn't sound too crazy)
 

LTE

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
1qqq1 said:
Man, I edged yesterday, to porn, for about a half hour. It was when I first woke up after not sleeping very much at all. I didn't finish but I read it can be just as bad, if not worse, to recovering as PMO. I didn't have a particularly stressful day or wasn't feeling bad and started by looking at CL and quickly moved over to porn.(at least now I know a trigger.) It happened really fast, just right back in and I felt my will power was off taking a break somewhere. I even thought of all the positive feelings I began to have over the past couple of weeks and was it worth the risk of slipping back to how I was before? I still couldn't stop once I got started. Thank God I was about to be late for work or else I probably would have done it a whole lot longer.
A lot of the negative things that people note on this site really haven't been an issue so far: flatline, loss of libido, no mw,  would be challenging if I had and girlfriend or wife. It may actually be helping me to not turn to porn. This first couple of months I'm just trying to distance myself from pmo and the bad consequences it's had on my life and that is enough for right now.
I'm not sure if I should reset counter because I did the PM just not the O. Seems like I was so close to my 1st goal, but just looking at porn is probably more damaging to me than MO.
Sometimes I wish loudest part of my mind would just shut up and get out of the way of what I am trying to do here. (hope that didn't sound too crazy)
Learn from this. Edging is not a good idea and can be a slippery slope. My strategy is to avoid any sexual excitement unless it involves a loving partner. So far it's worked.
 

1qqq1

Active Member
Had a relapse today. I was looking at dating tips on youtube and it just escalated. I somehow justified some irrational mindset. I was so close to hitting my 1st goal and was doing pretty good.
This is no joke, I know I have to get through the pain, suffering, and failure to become the person I want to be. Getting the experiences, advice, and inspiration this forum has been extremely helpful in getting me this far. I probably need to turn to it more especially when I find myself heading down the wrong path. The war is not over, I know I must win this in order to get the life I deserve.
 
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