Well, I've decided I need this. I feel like I have messed up my life and I'm feeling pretty low right now. I have to say porn is the reason I feel this way. It was behind the destruction of a 32 year marriage. Like most people, we had our problems, but I believe it was my problem with porn that caused my ED. Because of this, I avoided sex with my wife. My wife didn't really mind it all that much, she never cared for sex anyway, or at least that is what I thought. I made excuses...my BP medication, stress at work, etc. She also found my trail and discovered I was using porn. At that time, we still had relations on occasion but it had escalated to the point I would fantasize in order to perform. After several years of this I began avoiding sex altogether for fear of failing. My wife decided I didn't really care anyway, so she entered into an affair with her boss. I moved into an apartment in order to try to figure things out and decide if I was going to try to make my marriage work. That got decided for me when the two of them moved in together. I ended up filing for divorce and I thought that would be the end of my problems.
When you are single, you are free to masturbate just about any time you want to. I figured I wasn't in a relationship, not dating, why not? What I didn't realize was how severe my habits were becoming. It got to where I would masturbate to porn just as soon as I got home from work, maybe a second time as well. Sometimes 3-4 times on the weekend. I began edging and searching for the 'perfect' scene, which I never found. My viewing habits also started to get harder core and I began watching other genres which included gay porn. When I think of all the time I've wasted it makes me ill.
When I had the opportunity, I found I was unable to perform - and this was with someone I was very attracted to. I was devastated and embarrassed and frankly it scared me to death. I still didn't know about PIED (and this was very recently) so I went to see my doctor. I tried to get him to remove me from BP meds, but he didn't think what I was taking would cause ED. He gave me a prescription for Cialis, which helps a little, but not enough to get an erection for sex - it helped with oral sex but not with any kind of penetration.
I started researching on the internet for some kind of help and I got a lot of hits on ED being related to porn use. I have been stalking this forum and reading on YBOP and it hit me that so much of this is true to my case. I CAN get an erection and O to porn, but having sex or masturbating without porn? It's not happening. I can now without porn, but with fantasizing.
Ninety days ago I gave up porn. I haven't masturbated to orgasm to porn in that time. I have to admit, I did start to once to see if I could get an erection, which I could, and stopped - didn't orgasm. I started getting morning wood again recently, which I don't think I've had in years. I believe I even had a wet dream a few nights ago, even though I didn't wake up (but I had the evidence).
I'm back to worrying a little now. It's been 90 days, and I still don't think I would be able to get an erection to perform. During this 90 days I have MO 4 or 5 times and it wasn't to 'porn', but it was to what my brain probably perceives as porn - chatting with someone on a dating site. Because I feel I'm going to have to give all of that up - dating sites, texting, I decided I needed to start a journal, set a counter - set it to zero, even though I haven't been watching porn for awhile. If my brain considers what I have been doing a dopamine creating activity, I need to give it all up. I'm going to see what I can do if I give up MO all together. No porn, no orgasm, no masturbation. I really, really want to be back to normal. I want to stop worrying about this. I'm desperate enough, I could cry. It makes me sick to think about what I've done to my life.
I'm up for any advice and any encouragement I can get! Thanks, guys.
When you are single, you are free to masturbate just about any time you want to. I figured I wasn't in a relationship, not dating, why not? What I didn't realize was how severe my habits were becoming. It got to where I would masturbate to porn just as soon as I got home from work, maybe a second time as well. Sometimes 3-4 times on the weekend. I began edging and searching for the 'perfect' scene, which I never found. My viewing habits also started to get harder core and I began watching other genres which included gay porn. When I think of all the time I've wasted it makes me ill.
When I had the opportunity, I found I was unable to perform - and this was with someone I was very attracted to. I was devastated and embarrassed and frankly it scared me to death. I still didn't know about PIED (and this was very recently) so I went to see my doctor. I tried to get him to remove me from BP meds, but he didn't think what I was taking would cause ED. He gave me a prescription for Cialis, which helps a little, but not enough to get an erection for sex - it helped with oral sex but not with any kind of penetration.
I started researching on the internet for some kind of help and I got a lot of hits on ED being related to porn use. I have been stalking this forum and reading on YBOP and it hit me that so much of this is true to my case. I CAN get an erection and O to porn, but having sex or masturbating without porn? It's not happening. I can now without porn, but with fantasizing.
Ninety days ago I gave up porn. I haven't masturbated to orgasm to porn in that time. I have to admit, I did start to once to see if I could get an erection, which I could, and stopped - didn't orgasm. I started getting morning wood again recently, which I don't think I've had in years. I believe I even had a wet dream a few nights ago, even though I didn't wake up (but I had the evidence).
I'm back to worrying a little now. It's been 90 days, and I still don't think I would be able to get an erection to perform. During this 90 days I have MO 4 or 5 times and it wasn't to 'porn', but it was to what my brain probably perceives as porn - chatting with someone on a dating site. Because I feel I'm going to have to give all of that up - dating sites, texting, I decided I needed to start a journal, set a counter - set it to zero, even though I haven't been watching porn for awhile. If my brain considers what I have been doing a dopamine creating activity, I need to give it all up. I'm going to see what I can do if I give up MO all together. No porn, no orgasm, no masturbation. I really, really want to be back to normal. I want to stop worrying about this. I'm desperate enough, I could cry. It makes me sick to think about what I've done to my life.
I'm up for any advice and any encouragement I can get! Thanks, guys.