30yearsgone
Member
My story begins as a grade school kid searching the hallways of the men's dorm after college was out for the year. The students had moved out, and the cleaning crews had begun their mission of cleaning for the next year. A friend turned me onto it. We would roam all the dorm buildings in search of what we knew we would find. Playboy, Penthouse, and who know what else, swept up in the corners of the hallways. It was an exciting treasure hunt, and we always scored. I'm not sure how old I was, but I had already confused the meaning of scoring. I have been confused for 30+ years. In my early years, I was very infatuated with women. I enjoyed just thinking of them. I loved big meetings at school where we were all gathered together. I could position myself to get a better view of the girl I liked. When she looked back at me, because she felt the same way, it was an unbelievably good feeling. It made church and other get togethers tolerable because you both knew that the other would be there. This is the dopaminergic system in action as intended by nature. Then in my early high school years, I got my hands on VHS porn flicks. These videos and my stored up Penthouse rags somehow hijacked my dopamine. I was still infatuated with girls and dated, but could not really form a meaningful connection. I could always go home, lock myself in my room, and consume porn. I even preferred this over being with her. There was no one to disappoint or satisfy(performance anxiety). I have always thought of myself as a loner, but I wonder. Would things have been different with my early girlfriends if I had never seen porn? Might I have wanted to spend more time with them and solidify those positive, nature intended, brain pathways? I think probably yes. As time went on, and girls left me because of my absence and my possessiveness/jealousy, I became more isolated. It hurt when they left and I eventually just stopped trying. I have been convinced for a long time that I have performance anxiety. When I did try, I felt inadequate. In college, I would travel for hours to rent porn so that I would not be recognized. The platform was VHS at the time, and I would rent and make a copy. I had hundreds and hundreds of videos over the years and watched them daily. I never talked to anyone about it. Porn had completely replaced women. As the years have passed, I have just kept to myself. I really am a loner type, so it may not have been as bad for me as it would be for some. What has gotten my attention recently is two fold. 1. The way others see me. "Why are you always alone? Aren't you lonely?" I had stopped trying with women because of my performance anxiety/PIED(I think it is a combination of both). It was better to remain mysterious than to fail with a woman. In my view, weak and inadequate were the worst things a man could be. I would just keep my weakness a secret and not complain. I had my porn to satisfy me. But then.... 2. Erectile dysfunction. On and off now, even with porn. Even if I begin with wood while watching porn, I lose it if I go too long. My erections are not rock hard anymore, if I get them at all. Morning wood is gone(unless I abstain from porn for a while). I have tried to quit porn for 30+ years. I can't tell you how many times I cut my VHS tapes just to mend them again with scotch tape. I have destroyed hundreds and hundreds of DVDs just to drive an hour each way to buy more. Now, in the digital age, you do not have to buy, and you cannot destroy because it is as close as your laptop. A porn session for me these days can last for 8 hours or more. I have edged to porn from dinner time, through the night, with no food or sleep, only to shower and report to work the next morning without climaxing. You do not risk embarrassment because it is all in the privacy of your home. For my last attempt, I was without porn or substitutes for ~ 6 weeks. Then over the past several days, I have been on a binge. No porn today. My search for answers has brought me to this community. I ran across a video on YouTube describing PIED and found the YBOP website. I have a doctorate in the medical field, so the scientific articles and videos there have been very helpful to me. Brain plasticity is very encouraging. Videos about plasticity and the addictive process have given me hope that I can recover. I wish I could get the same dopamine boost for keeping my promise as I do for breaking it and watching porn. Is it possible to recover my younger brain that doped out with pleasure at the sight that girl across the way? I don't think that I have ever been truly healthy, as my brain relates to sex, with the exception of my early development. In every relationship I have ever had, porn preceded it by years. I am joining this forum only because it is the next thing that I am trying. Thank you to YBOP and the Reboot Nation. I'll give this a try.
30yearsgone
30yearsgone
