Over 13 Months Clean...And Counting

40New30

Member
Hello,

I've got an account over at YBR or Your Brain Rebalanced, and well, the site's down as well as getting spammed to death.  So, I thought I would mosey on over here and start a new journal account.

I've been 'rebooting' since around 2013, with some major months long relapses along the way, it wasn't until the last around 10 months that I've been virtually, completely clean.

And I'm still healing up.  Heck, probably still in flatline...but things are always improving each and every month.

I'm definitely a long rebooter as I was a very serious case for a long time.
 

40New30

Member
I lost my counter over at YBR, for now anyway.  I'd like to note that I'm about Day 310, in case I need to make a new counter.
 

Abc

Active Member
Wow thats awesome ! I am on day 15 and its my first reboot try and so far so good :)
 

40New30

Member
Thanks, Abc.  For disclosure, at my worst I was watching P way over 5 hours per day, sometimes virtually all day. 
It's going to take a long time for me to reboot; sometimes I feel absolutely wonderful and sometimes I suffer from PAWs at 10 months.

I will almost assuredly take longer than Gabe did to get to what I consider 'normal' or rebooted.
 

Abc

Active Member
Thats cool ! Whatever it takes. Sounds like your well on your way to enjoying life again  :) I made it through day 16 today and still going strong. I may be premature in this thought but the porn has not been a problem for me yet and not really having any urge to use it. Now I am having urges to jack off that I have been able to fight off  so far. I guess everyone is different?
 

stan

Member
10 months! thats awesome! Good work.  Is that without having regular sex or just no porn and masterbating?
 

40New30

Member
Abc said:
Thats cool ! Whatever it takes. Sounds like your well on your way to enjoying life again  :) I made it through day 16 today and still going strong. I may be premature in this thought but the porn has not been a problem for me yet and not really having any urge to use it. Now I am having urges to jack off that I have been able to fight off  so far. I guess everyone is different?

The beginning is the hardest part, breaking the cycle...it took me a few years to break the cycle (though I had long clean streaks of up to 150 days clean).

The problem really depends on how dependent your brain became on PMO for it's dopamine hit...I was absolutely hooked on it, for years, at a very high level.  Worst years were probably 2006 through 2015...that's a long time.  Many hours almost every day...tons of wiring.

Personally, I think MO should be left behind by anyone who has a PMO problem, because MO drains your energy and wires your sexuality to your hand, not to a real female.  But a lot of guys will recover and be able to jerk off every once in a while with no trouble...I'm not one of them.

Yes, everyone is very, very different.
 

40New30

Member
stan said:
10 months! thats awesome! Good work.  Is that without having regular sex or just no porn and masterbating?

I've had maybe 6 or 7 orgasms over the last 10+ months.  One from a wet dream (first ever in my life), and the rest for PIV sex.

I will never masturbate again, it's too wired to porn for me.
 

40New30

Member
I'm definitely getting A LOT better now, but I'm still have PAWs (post acute withdrawals)...my main symptom is periods of extreme lack of concentration, and some fatigue.  I've read many other journals that discuss this; it doesn't happen to everyone but I bet it happens to most severe cases.

I firmly expect my recovery to take at least 18 to 24 months in terms of cognition/erections.  But, I know that things will improve each month, and that the worst is over.

I still have ED at times, DE as well, never PE...at least yet.  And again, I suffer from mostly brain fog/cognition issues, which is extremely common for people addicted to anything -- after they kick.  I've read extensively about it.

Again, you guys might not have any of this depending on your habit...I was PMO'ing way way over 20 hours a week, some weeks over 50+ or more hours (when binging).  At times I wasn't holding steady work, so it was an absolute free for all.

If you were to look at me from the outside you never would have guessed anything was really wrong, because addicts are master manipulators.
 

40New30

Member
Not quite sure what day I am at right now, somewhere around Day 315 or so...which means less than 2 months until I hit the one year mark. 

In some ways it feels like Day 315 should, in other ways it doesn't at all -- I had better sensitivity in my dick and mind-to-dick connection in earlier reboots of 90 days or less, doesn't that just bite? 

It's all part of the process, lots of peaks and valleys over the long haul.

My orgasm frequency has to stay low, or I go into flatline. 
That is the reality right now.


 

Abc

Active Member
Wow thats amazing ! Congrats ! Thanks for posting, shows there is hope for me yet! Keep up the good work !
 
L

lowdo

Guest
Hey 40 - nice to see you here. I've also wandered over from YBR - I was getting a bit lonely to be honest and I need this accountability. Will probably go start a new journal when I have more time later today.

Have you heard anything about when/if YBR will be back?
 

Wabi-sabi

Member
Really good to hear from you, 40 - you've been helping me for years over at YBR. Right now I'm not sure if I'm going back when they are running again or starting fresh over here.

I'm in a place for starting fresh as I relapsed a couple of days ago. It makes me more pleased than ever to read of your progress - I really, really want to read about you being one year clean.
 

40New30

Member
lowdo said:
Hey 40 - nice to see you here. I've also wandered over from YBR - I was getting a bit lonely to be honest and I need this accountability. Will probably go start a new journal when I have more time later today.

Have you heard anything about when/if YBR will be back?

I haven't heard anything about YBR getting back up, but I know Underdog is really dedicated so I hope it'll get back up sooner or later!  My thing is that I need to journal a lot and share what's going on...it helps with my recovery, ya know?  So, I migrated here, I'm sure I'll stick around...new crew over there. :)

No reason why you can't have two journals!  :)
 

40New30

Member
Wabi-sabi said:
Really good to hear from you, 40 - you've been helping me for years over at YBR. Right now I'm not sure if I'm going back when they are running again or starting fresh over here.

I'm in a place for starting fresh as I relapsed a couple of days ago. It makes me more pleased than ever to read of your progress - I really, really want to read about you being one year clean.

Wabi, relapses are a part of recovery, and probably the most disheartening part of all.  It took me since 2013 to get to where I am today, and nobody relapsed worse than me...I binged like crazy.  It was straight up scary.

I'm pretty sure I hit rock bottom last year, or whatever you want to call it...I just knew in my gut it was either get clean or live a miserable addict's life.  There is no such thing as one PMO...not such thing as just one more.  It's an addiction, part of us doesn't want to stop, and it's a powerful part of the brain.

While I can't guarantee anything  (there are no guarantees in life), I've definitely entered a period of much better control over the demon this year.  I feel like I'll hit one year and then two, make it all the way to the 'rebooted state'. 

I'm still struggling with post acute withdrawals (fogginess, fatigue, little anxiety here and there, ED here and there, DE, low libido at times) but it is no surprise, you can't PMO at the frequency I did and not have serious consequences; I wish I knew then what I know now.  But it's all good.

You've got a clean slate, my man.  This is the first day of the rest of your life. :)
 

40New30

Member
I've reported about this over at YBR, so forgive me if you're read this before (this is for RN guys)...I'd just like to share that my nasal cycle is greatly effected by orgasms. 

The nasal cycle is regulated deep inside the limbic brain, in the hypothalamus -- one of the key areas of the brain that is harmed by an addiction.

This cycle has been such an amazing bell weather as to my healing process, when it's functioning properly I feel much more stable (no PAWs), when it's not I don't well.  A balanced nasal cycle is basically a balanced nervous system, parasympathetic and sympathetic -- you're not too high and you're not too low, you're calm but alert. 

Unfortunately too many O's or too many O's in close proximity at this point in my reboot still wreak a bit of havoc on my nervous system (in concert with the limbic brain/HPT axis).

When I'm rebooted this will be gone, my refractory period will be much shorter, and I won't go into flatline after O's.  When this will be, I haven't a clue, but I am guessing it will happen somewhere before the 2 year clean mark.
 

Wabi-sabi

Member
40New30 said:
You've got a clean slate, my man.  This is the first day of the rest of your life. :)

Thank you. You've been good to me since Day 1 over at YBR.

I have the house to myself right now, and absolutely zero interest in misusing the internet. I'm back on rebooting.

I'm not feeling so smart about relapsing. Thing is, every so often I just want to fuck up. It's pathological. I get overwhelmed with other people's problems, both at home and work, and just want to tear the walls down. So I decided to destroy my day count! (That and the rejection the day before from a job interview with two of the hottest women I've talked to - it just pushed me into a pity party, and the minute I feel sorry for myself I'm done.)

Seriously, 40, your progress means a lot to me.
 

40New30

Member
Wabi-sabi said:
40New30 said:
You've got a clean slate, my man.  This is the first day of the rest of your life. :)

Thank you. You've been good to me since Day 1 over at YBR.

I have the house to myself right now, and absolutely zero interest in misusing the internet. I'm back on rebooting.

I'm not feeling so smart about relapsing. Thing is, every so often I just want to fuck up. It's pathological. I get overwhelmed with other people's problems, both at home and work, and just want to tear the walls down. So I decided to destroy my day count! (That and the rejection the day before from a job interview with two of the hottest women I've talked to - it just pushed me into a pity party, and the minute I feel sorry for myself I'm done.)

Seriously, 40, your progress means a lot to me.

You've always inspired me as well, buddy.  We have a good crew over there!  Glad to see a bunch of old faces starting to gather over here...because let's face it, journaling with a community really does help with recovery.

Stress and rejection are big triggers for anybody, and unfortunately we're always (at least somewhat) vulnerable to relapse...once you get far and relapse a few times you REALLY learn that lesson.  I had to learn that lesson like 5 times over several years, I was always floored when I would relapse.  Now, I realize that will always be inside of and I'm always at risk -- that knowledge has helped me get to almost a year clean...I know I'm never safe.  :)

One thing that I will say is this, relapses do set us back (those P pathways will light up and start to rewire immediately), sometimes it feels like one relapse is super painful...but, if you don't binge, the damage is not too bad.

One of the last times I relapsed, I binged maybe twice with ZERO ill effects.  I was like, wow, I've recovered so much...now I can get away with a couple of slips here and there, and I'm telling bullshit lie led me back into the pit of hell.

After the relapses my erections actually got way harder, which is super counter intuitive.  But if you think about the science it makes sense...when you abstain and unwire your brain goes into a flatline, and erections get really weak.  Relapsing actually brought back some strength to my erections because my brain was like...here we go, this is real sex and it's back! 

As time went forward the addiction took root again, then I got the bad effects again.  I think it was after the third day of relapsing...my entire system collapsed.

It's messed up that that's how it all works. 

You're super dedicated and I know in the long term you will make it all the way, don't let it crush your soul that you had one fuck up...it's part of the process.  Let it go.
 

40New30

Member
RuggerDoug said:
Hi 40New, Wabi ... I found my way over here from YBR, too.  Hope things are well!

Rugger

Hey Rugger!  Good to see you, things are really good over here, I mean I'm still rebooting and having some poor symptoms, but over all things are good.  Peace.
 
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