Wabi-sabi said:
40New30 said:
You've got a clean slate, my man. This is the first day of the rest of your life.
Thank you. You've been good to me since Day 1 over at YBR.
I have the house to myself right now, and absolutely zero interest in misusing the internet. I'm back on rebooting.
I'm not feeling so smart about relapsing. Thing is, every so often I just want to fuck up. It's pathological. I get overwhelmed with other people's problems, both at home and work, and just want to tear the walls down. So I decided to destroy my day count! (That and the rejection the day before from a job interview with two of the hottest women I've talked to - it just pushed me into a pity party, and the minute I feel sorry for myself I'm done.)
Seriously, 40, your progress means a lot to me.
You've always inspired me as well, buddy. We have a good crew over there! Glad to see a bunch of old faces starting to gather over here...because let's face it, journaling with a community really does help with recovery.
Stress and rejection are big triggers for anybody, and unfortunately we're always (at least somewhat) vulnerable to relapse...once you get far and relapse a few times you REALLY learn that lesson. I had to learn that lesson like 5 times over several years, I was always floored when I would relapse. Now, I realize that will always be inside of and I'm always at risk -- that knowledge has helped me get to almost a year clean...I know I'm never safe.
One thing that I will say is this, relapses do set us back (those P pathways will light up and start to rewire immediately), sometimes it feels like one relapse is super painful...but, if you don't binge, the damage is not too bad.
One of the last times I relapsed, I binged maybe twice with ZERO ill effects. I was like, wow, I've recovered so much...now I can get away with a couple of slips here and there, and I'm telling bullshit lie led me back into the pit of hell.
After the relapses my erections actually got way harder, which is super counter intuitive. But if you think about the science it makes sense...when you abstain and unwire your brain goes into a flatline, and erections get really weak. Relapsing actually brought back some strength to my erections because my brain was like...
here we go, this is real sex and it's back!
As time went forward the addiction took root again, then I got the bad effects again. I think it was after the third day of relapsing...my entire system collapsed.
It's messed up that that's how it all works.
You're super dedicated and I know in the long term you will make it all the way, don't let it crush your soul that you had one fuck up...it's part of the process. Let it go.