90 Days...and beyond Journal Again

Hey Everyone,
      After about a month away I am Back. Trying this again. Going for 90 days and beyond...My last streak was 20 days. Had kind of a rough start but got into the swing of things after about day 10. After my relapse on day 20...I was having regular sex and maintaining erections pretty regularly. Still had DE... So thinking I had control over the situation I Began using porn again. But it was not nearly as frequent as before. I limited my porn watching activity to once a day and sometimes I went for a 2-3 day stretch without even thinking about it. I feel like I have ended up right where I started. I watched porn today...For the last time.

Getting away from technology is very hard for me. As I work in the field of technology. Lately I have found that having a smart phone and this addiction is very bad. I have a block enabled on my phone that only my Fianc?e knows the code to. Yet I still use applications like Vimeo, Youtube, etc...to reach out and try to find sexual videos, Erotic Movies,  pictures of woman in bikinis ETC...

I have zero block on my laptop

My shame is at an all time low at this point. I look at myself in the mirror and see a liar. I see a sexual deviant not in control of primal sexual urges that should be reserved for human interaction and not on a screen. I feel like I have let myself down and my Fianc?e down. I feel like I say "This ends now" every single day only to find myself losing control and going to a porn site.

I was doing so well before. I can do it again. Giving up is the shittiest thing I can think of doing. So I'm not going to. I am determined to be a success story.

Along with this trek of zero porn I will also be abstaining from any drugs or alcohol. I love drugs and alcohol.....I feel like getting my brain back to some sort of normal balance chemically is an important step in this process. I feel like these addictions go hand in hand and recently I feel like I have used alcohol to numb myself instead of dealing with what needs to be dealt with. I used to be an alcoholic in my mid twenties. I am now 30...I would consider myself a recreational drinker and drug user...on occasion...but what happens when every weekend is an occasion? Yeah not good.

Going back to the technology thing. I feel like I am always on my phone....way more than I used to be. This was brought up during one of me and my Finance's conversations a couple of weeks ago. That is another Goal of mine...to not be so attached to technology. Maybe I will limit my social media usage also. IF i didnt owe $500 more dollars on this stupid phone ID cancel the plan and get a flip phone.

Sorry If I seem scatter brained. I'm probably going to be writing here a lot more. I am going to treat this as a journal As I did last time. I feel like I have a lot more self improvement to do than I thought, which is a good realization I think. I am going to try to be alot more active within this community as well. I think that may help me.

Anyway, as always. Thanks for the support, understanding, and guidance all.

Peace

It is always difficult and most of us can relate to how hard you try to reach erotic or porn stuff even with a blocked phone. It is perfectly normal.

You just need to resist it.

11/21/2018
8:22 PM
Day 1

Easy as expected
Lady and I are cooking for tomorrow...Her Famous Garlic mashed potatoes. Cooked some dish out of this Vegan cook book. Don't judge...if any of you want the recipe ill post it...it's so good. It's a cabbage broccoli dish made with a dill sauce....its so good. I am not vegan BTW...I just enjoy the cuisine.  Today I deleted my social media...all of it. This will be my social media for the time being. Also, if any body on here plays chess or is interested in chess....Let me know. I have been playing a lot lately. Actually I have turned into quite the chess nerd since about April. I think chess is good for the mind....helps keep it creative a lubricated if you will. Cant believe the world chess championship is 9 draws in a row right now...

Anyway. Cheers Everyone

11/23/2018
11:57 am
Day 3

Hope everyone had a good thanksgiving. Just checking in on here. Might Check back in later.

11/24/2018
10:42 am
Day 4

Day four. Going by pretty smoothly. I have been able to keep busy I think with all of the thanksgiving day plans and the weekend and such. I find that Keeping busy is so key during this process. The moment I find myself alone or bored is when I start getting the urges. I have been able to keep pretty busy lately so that?s good.

Watched some documentaries on uncontacted isolated tribes. Sparked of course by the events of this week off the coast of India. I bet tribes people have no difficulty finding things to do. Man I have had too much coffee.

Hope everyone is doin good. I?ll check back in later.

11/24/2018
2:53 pm
Day 4

Really strong urges today. Have not acted upon them however. I?m at work which makes it a bit easier. But in the past I used to go to the bathroom for up to a half an hour to sift through some sexy pin site. Now that my phone is blocked that?s not even an option. I have accepted how low self control I have regarding PMO. Now that I have accepted it I need to focus on changing that. I used to deem myself a pretty disciplined person. I have learned a lot about myself during this process.

Keep on keeping on everyone.

11/25/2018
11:28am
Day 5

Found myself perusing YouTube for sexy videos. Got lost in it for a bit. I need to pull my head out of my ass and get up with my woman and make breakfast. Cheers

11/26/2018---Relapse After 5 days

I don't know why this is so hard to do. Could not sleep last night at all. Hot/cold Sweats... finally fell asleep probably around 4 am. Lady had to get up early for work. I don't work till late....I stayed in bed this morning an Found myself with laptop in hand going at it....relapse...

I find it so disparaging to have such a lack of self control. Makes me feel like a terrible human. I was also really really horny this morning and there is never time in the AM for sex...I wonder if that changed some how that I would be less apt to resorting to porn. I am thinking about going back to my therapist...but it costs money to get help....money I do not have right now. I just don't know what to do.

I feel like my next step would be to focus on fostering some sort of self control regiment into my life. I need to make a schedule for time to meditate in the morning and go to the gym instead of staying in bed thinking about sex. My first stint in trying to reboot I went to the Gym quite a bit and it seemed to help a lot. So why did I stop? Laziness? Lack of motivation....How am I not motivated to be better? How do I let all of these thoughts just go to the back of my mind while I continue to abuse porn? It's like I take any and all positive, hopeful, and motivating thoughts and push them to the back of my mind for that single short burst release of pleasure.

Does anyone have any advice on this? Any books to recommend? I am going to peruse the net for some more advice as well. In the end its all down to me and what I am willing to do for myself.

Hey bud I have been there before. I have been trying for over two years now to get to 90 days and I still haven't. You just have to keep trying. Tomorrow is a new streak.

End of the day. Going ultra hard mode. Going to come here every time I get an urge. Going to utilize my resources and time. I?m so sick of the shame and sexual dysfunction. I know I have probably already said this stuff a million times over and over.

I may write here many times in the day so sorry if it gets annoying. I need this to be my guide, and I need all of you for encouragement and support. I know that this is all on me to do the work and achieve the goal for myself.

Going to start meditating tomorrow. Bringing that back in my life. I also think I?m going to steal hopin4betters idea of grading myself at the end of the day. If that?s ok with you bud.

Anyway, have a great night all.

Hey Andy, it's a tough process, but there always things to learn from each relapse! I am sure you will make it.

It took me quite some time, to find a balance between being strict about my rules and not being too self-restricting. At first I tried to plan every minute of my day to be productive and leave no space for the possibility of porn. When I failed (of course) at some point I felt discouraged and shameful. Shame is your biggest enemy in this! It makes you feel even worse and out of control. As everybody else on here, you are NOT a "terrible human being" with no self control. You just conditioned your brain for years or decades to act the way you do without knowing. Try to kind of separate yourself form your inner "demon". Observe it and analyze it without too much emotion and self loathing. It's not a genuine part of yours. The more you are able to track back your triggers and the triggers of your triggers you will feel the ability to control it.

And post as often as you feel like it. No one will be annoyed!!

11/27/2018
7:07 am
Day1

Had a really tough conversation last night with my lady. Told her about my relapse...she did not take it well. We have been here before. I feel like it?s very hard for her to show compassion regarding this issue. She feels like porn replaces her. I told her that?s not the case at all...she turned very cold. I understand her feelings and don?t blame her at all. I wish she wouldn?t be so cold about it though. It kills me, and any motivation for continuing.

One big factor in this for me I think is my use of alcohol. I wouldn?t say that I?m an alcoholic....maybe I used to be? But usually drink on the weekends. Her and I have noticed that during times when I drink I feel things way less. Obviously alcohol can numb you. But her mentality is; why keep doing things that make you not be able to function sexually? Why keep using porn, why keep drinking the way you do?

I guess it comes down to stress management. I am a ball of stress...always have been. I have always used porn as a destressor...because it?s easy. That is what lead up to my most recent relapse...among other things.

I?m going to shovel some of the walk here from all the snow, maybe eat some breakfast and do a meditation.

I?ll check back here later.

Hey bud. Hope things are going well. Please try some guided meditation.

It will be hard for your lady to understand. It will be hard for anyone to understand. But take her out. Do something fun with her. 

You can beat this. You have to beat this.

Thanks man, appreciate it. We had a small discussion this morning that made me feel better. My stomach has been in knots for the past couple of days because I don?t want to lie to her. I can?t lie to her. So I did what I thought was the best thing to do and that was to tell the truth. Of course she appreciates that but I can also see it saddens her greatly and I understand completely how she feels.

I think we are going to go see a therapist soon. I have a good one, so I think that will help.

This morning was pretty alright, moved some heavy ass wet snow and pushed my roommates car out of the drive way. Haha.

Anyway, cheers everyone

Serious depression mode...broke down at work had to go out into my car and sob. The prospect of losing my fianc? is gripping me. I guess I?m the type of person that needs a lot of encouragement...

Thinking of this relationship ending because I failed so many times to control myself is a gripping one....

I texted her asking if I could call her at work.  No answer. Then I called her anyway. No answer and then the worst possible thoughts come into my mind and I begin to cry even harder. Then I get a message on Facebook messenger ?no reception here love?  and a moment of relief at the words is quickly swallowed up by dark feelings of patheticism....

The anxiety and depression is crushing right now. Shouldn?t this be enough to motivate me to stop?

You would think.  Sorry for the emotional post. I have no one to talk to and needed to vent. Thanks for hearing me out

Hey man, it?s easy to get knocked down. This disease will kick you while you?re down. Take it a day at a time, an hour at a time. Finish work and continue the conversation with your fianc?e. It?s easy to get swallowed up in fears and worries of what could be. But it hasn?t happened and you?re making good  progress. Stay positive. You?re doing great, you can beat this

Had another really tough conversation with my lady tonight. Themes included holding my self accountable doing what?s right for myself. Taking care of myself. Obviously she wants a partner and not someone she needs to drag through her life. It was a good talk over all. Looking to practice some more self improvement. Tomorrow is a new day. Cheers

Oh yeah, I was looking through the App Store for no-fap apps. Just was curious to see what was out there. I can across one called brain buddy. It?s really interesting. You make a profile ( can be whatever you want ) and it keeps track of your progress. It has daily activity?s you do ( some of them are really lame) but one of the activities is like a daily audio motivator. It also has a community just like this one built right into it so you can share experiences and progress. It has some mixed reviews but I like it. It keeps me motivated and keeps me from sinking. You can set your calendar and also win little achievements for mike stones. It?s a little cheesy sometimes and some of the activities that are designed to re-wire your reward system are dumb. But everything else is cool. The app keeps track of what percentage you are rebooted based on your relapses and your activities you complete per day. Someone put some effort into this thing

It does have a price, I think it?s like 13.99 a month tho. So I?m trying it out for a few days free trial and seeing how I?m liking it .

11/28/2018
7:50 am
Day 2

Anxiety and depression still lurking about. Despite a constructive morning with the lady. Last nights discussion left me with a lot of anxiety and no map to trek the uncharted waters. I just have to trust in myself. And in us.

Woke up and made some breakfast. Did my morning routine in the Brainbuddy app which consisted of an audio exercise, a 3 minute breathing exercise, and a 20 minute mediation.

Hope everyone has a great day

Great job.