Andyshealthyself
Member
Hey Everyone,
After about a month away I am Back. Trying this again. Going for 90 days and beyond...My last streak was 20 days. Had kind of a rough start but got into the swing of things after about day 10. After my relapse on day 20...I was having regular sex and maintaining erections pretty regularly. Still had DE... So thinking I had control over the situation I Began using porn again. But it was not nearly as frequent as before. I limited my porn watching activity to once a day and sometimes I went for a 2-3 day stretch without even thinking about it. I feel like I have ended up right where I started. I watched porn today...For the last time.
Getting away from technology is very hard for me. As I work in the field of technology. Lately I have found that having a smart phone and this addiction is very bad. I have a block enabled on my phone that only my Fianc?e knows the code to. Yet I still use applications like Vimeo, Youtube, etc...to reach out and try to find sexual videos, Erotic Movies, pictures of woman in bikinis ETC...
I have zero block on my laptop
My shame is at an all time low at this point. I look at myself in the mirror and see a liar. I see a sexual deviant not in control of primal sexual urges that should be reserved for human interaction and not on a screen. I feel like I have let myself down and my Fianc?e down. I feel like I say "This ends now" every single day only to find myself losing control and going to a porn site.
I was doing so well before. I can do it again. Giving up is the shittiest thing I can think of doing. So I'm not going to. I am determined to be a success story.
Along with this trek of zero porn I will also be abstaining from any drugs or alcohol. I love drugs and alcohol.....I feel like getting my brain back to some sort of normal balance chemically is an important step in this process. I feel like these addictions go hand in hand and recently I feel like I have used alcohol to numb myself instead of dealing with what needs to be dealt with. I used to be an alcoholic in my mid twenties. I am now 30...I would consider myself a recreational drinker and drug user...on occasion...but what happens when every weekend is an occasion? Yeah not good.
Going back to the technology thing. I feel like I am always on my phone....way more than I used to be. This was brought up during one of me and my Finance's conversations a couple of weeks ago. That is another Goal of mine...to not be so attached to technology. Maybe I will limit my social media usage also. IF i didnt owe $500 more dollars on this stupid phone ID cancel the plan and get a flip phone.
Sorry If I seem scatter brained. I'm probably going to be writing here a lot more. I am going to treat this as a journal As I did last time. I feel like I have a lot more self improvement to do than I thought, which is a good realization I think. I am going to try to be alot more active within this community as well. I think that may help me.
Anyway, as always. Thanks for the support, understanding, and guidance all.
Peace
After about a month away I am Back. Trying this again. Going for 90 days and beyond...My last streak was 20 days. Had kind of a rough start but got into the swing of things after about day 10. After my relapse on day 20...I was having regular sex and maintaining erections pretty regularly. Still had DE... So thinking I had control over the situation I Began using porn again. But it was not nearly as frequent as before. I limited my porn watching activity to once a day and sometimes I went for a 2-3 day stretch without even thinking about it. I feel like I have ended up right where I started. I watched porn today...For the last time.
Getting away from technology is very hard for me. As I work in the field of technology. Lately I have found that having a smart phone and this addiction is very bad. I have a block enabled on my phone that only my Fianc?e knows the code to. Yet I still use applications like Vimeo, Youtube, etc...to reach out and try to find sexual videos, Erotic Movies, pictures of woman in bikinis ETC...
I have zero block on my laptop
My shame is at an all time low at this point. I look at myself in the mirror and see a liar. I see a sexual deviant not in control of primal sexual urges that should be reserved for human interaction and not on a screen. I feel like I have let myself down and my Fianc?e down. I feel like I say "This ends now" every single day only to find myself losing control and going to a porn site.
I was doing so well before. I can do it again. Giving up is the shittiest thing I can think of doing. So I'm not going to. I am determined to be a success story.
Along with this trek of zero porn I will also be abstaining from any drugs or alcohol. I love drugs and alcohol.....I feel like getting my brain back to some sort of normal balance chemically is an important step in this process. I feel like these addictions go hand in hand and recently I feel like I have used alcohol to numb myself instead of dealing with what needs to be dealt with. I used to be an alcoholic in my mid twenties. I am now 30...I would consider myself a recreational drinker and drug user...on occasion...but what happens when every weekend is an occasion? Yeah not good.
Going back to the technology thing. I feel like I am always on my phone....way more than I used to be. This was brought up during one of me and my Finance's conversations a couple of weeks ago. That is another Goal of mine...to not be so attached to technology. Maybe I will limit my social media usage also. IF i didnt owe $500 more dollars on this stupid phone ID cancel the plan and get a flip phone.
Sorry If I seem scatter brained. I'm probably going to be writing here a lot more. I am going to treat this as a journal As I did last time. I feel like I have a lot more self improvement to do than I thought, which is a good realization I think. I am going to try to be alot more active within this community as well. I think that may help me.
Anyway, as always. Thanks for the support, understanding, and guidance all.
Peace