Captain's log

Well, this is my journal.

I'd want to start from the begining, but first i want to tell you my native language isn't english, so please excuse my grammar and orthography mistakes. Also, i hope i won't give too many triggers to other people and myself.

I'm 44, addicted to porn and masturbation since 12. I started masturbation on my own (no one told me how to do it) and very soon i found out using pictures from lingerie and swimsuit catalogs increased the pleasure i got. Then about 17 i changed it to erotic magazines i bought near home and i had very hard time hiding them to my parents. In time i gathered a big number of material and i used to masturbate watching many mags at the same time spreading them over my bed.

Internet came to my  life when i was 27 (that was in 1998), and with it a massive amount of an ever growing quantity of porn resources that has never stoped. At that time Internet wasn't the high speed thing it is now, but i managed to search and find many web pages with erotic and porn material.

Before that, in the old times of magazines things weren't good, but at least there was a limit of the amount of porn i could access. But when Internet arrived my masturbation cravings were going worst and much of my life downhill; spending so much time in front of the computer's screen and wasting many life opportunities.

Despite that, i managed to keep an active sexual life with my then girlfriend and later wife, although we only had sex about once a week (she kept complaining that wasn't enough for her, but i couldn't and wouldn't do more about it).

In 1999 i move by myself and i bought a TV just to put porn DVD's and VHS (yes, i still had those at the time). And amassed a huge number of CD i burned with the P material, but i never saw them, i always craved new stuff everytime. But for some reason i had to keep the pics and videos and couldn't just delete them.

I got married in february 2003, i kept the same amount of sex about once every one or two weeks, i noticed then i prefered much more watching porn and masturbate than having sex with my wife. At the time i was so numbed that it didn't bother me, i said to myself at least i was having sex with her.

Oh God, i can't help feel  shame and anger towards myself!!!, but i know it has no point here and now and it's detrimental to my success' chances.

In 2006 I finally it got full speed internet at home, i used to spend most of my weekends in long sessions of masturbation and edging. My tastes started scaling up to more kinky and extreme, many times very self degrading. At that moment i didn't know it was because i need it to feel the same pleasure i used to.


I tried to reboot on my own many times before. Because something inside me kept telling me what i was doing was very wrong. So somtimes i destroyed the porn, thrashed the CD, DVDs, magazines and so on. But less than a week later everything started again.

Last sunday 20th was the moment i decided to do things a different way. I decided to join this Forum. Why was that?

We had long long weekend, it started on wednesday 16th til sunday 20th (i took one day from job's vacation and the rest was for national day and regular weekend). But I simply couldn't have sex with my wife any single day!!! I masturbated everyday and everytime i finished i said to myself "this must stop, i want to have sex with my wife", but it was useless i repeated the cycle many times those days.

Finally, on sunday morning, i made my wife climax using my fingers. Sad.

Later that day, i decided i had left things go too far too much time. I have to do something.

I'm doing something right now; I'm sharing this with you and even with myself.

welcome Skipper,
you'll find a lot of people here on this forum , who are , or have been in the same situation , you're in right now.
Your story is a lot like mine, 46 years old, addicted for over 30 years, married and so on.Even English isn't my first language also.
My wife pointed RN out to me, after I came clean with my carefully hidden dark side.She knew for a long time that I was hooked, but just couldn't find the tool to get trough to me, in a constructive way. This forum changed our lives completely, together with Gabe Deems video's, who we watched together. It made us talk, and understand. And we just kept on talking.It made me understand the impact it has on someones relationship and life.The way P actually changes the brain, and making you numb.
The most important thing however, is that you involve your partner in this fight you're engaging. I know from my experience, that I couldn't have done it without my wife. She has to heal also, and probably feels very hurt and betrayed. She has got a lot to deal with now.
Please do this together, and stay open and honest to the one next to you.
I've come a long way,relapsed , picked up by my wife again and just kept on fighting. I know we all can do this, and fight this battle.
It's hard, I know, but it's worth it.Believe me.
Keep strong and keep on posting

Thanks, Hopeful for your support and advice.

I agree with you about the need of involving my partner, although I?m very afraid of her reaction. Once before I?ve talked with her about it, but i heavily relapsed after just a few days (that was one of the times i tried to reboot on my own). So i think her trust on me is seriously damaged.

Nevertheless, I?m going to figure out some way to talk with her this week.

Thanks again and sure, I?ll  keep strong  and keep on posting.

Welcome skipper,

I'm glad you have come here and decided that you no longer want porn in your life. Like the rest of us, you are not alone.

I think you have no choice but to tell your wife the truth. When you tell her, tell her that you want and need her help. If she is prepared to forgive you and help you, then you have to commit 100% and be free from porn. To be free of porn, you have to be authentic with yourself and your wife, otherwise you will struggle to do this. Stopping an addictive behaviour requires you to open up and make yourself vulnerable, to be open about the behaviour to your loved ones and to start over. If your wife takes this badly and rejects you, that is a risk you will have to take. If she can see that you are authentic and she can see your vulnerability, then she may forgive you and help you through this.

Thanks Free73

I think you are right. As you and Hopeful said it's very important to count on my wife.

If i tried not to tell her, I'd feel i'm playing a double-faced game and that's a path to failure, for sure. Of course open myself to her scares the shit out of me, just thinking about it makes my mind wonder about "what if i relapse?" "how would i explain that to her i failed again??", "what if she got mad about me and rejected me?"

I don't want her to feel pity about me, because for me the best she could do is give me her support, specially when craves about P and M come (and it's for sure they will come sooner or later). Although  i'm not entitled to get her support freely, i have to do the best to get free.

For now, until this moment, i feel strong about my choice to get free from my addiction. In past i left smoking and alcohol, this one last has been the toughstest of the three.

I really believe if i count with my wife's support and the encouragment of this community, everything's gonna be all right.

Hey Skipper,

Telling your wife is a great way to start this process. I started this process when I told my Fiance that I was addicted to porn too. It has been ups and downs, some successes and failures, but if you keep going, things will change.

By week 3, I was suffering from less and less depression. Except when I relapse, I don't feel this anymore - and I plan on feeling better. You will start to feel like doing all kinds of projects and living the life you want to live. It also helps your emotional state and other cravings. I use to have Salsa and Chips in two sittings, now it is 4-5 sittings for a bottle and bag.

By week 5, sex was almost always successful - from one in ten to nine in ten successful sexual encounters.

Things I did that really helped.

I am always honest with my partner. If I relapse, I tell her when I wake up.

Before then, I look at why I did it, think about it, and acknowledge to God. One of the reasons for my last really big relapse you see in my counter is I was 'too proud', thinking I had it defeated, and I could get rid of my filter software because I wouldn't. Having a filter gives me time to think about if I want to relapse, and that time helps me stay clean.

Another thing, having filters help. If you use them to give yourself time to think things out, instead of following the urge, it can give you the ability to walk away.

Most importantly, educate yourself. Watch all the vids here on RN and YBOP. They will help you immensely.

When you have a craving - I find the following things work, and have actually become part of my daily routine.

Take cold showers. First, they snap you out of anything you were thinking about at the time, including a porn craving. It also supplies dopamine, improves your immune system, fights depression and many other things.

Meditation. I love reading the Bible and thinking about the lessons I am reading every single day, watching the clouds outside flow away.

Romancing your wife. While you may have PIED and/or PIDE, that dosen't prevent you from taking time to spend with your wife, holding her, hugging her, loving her the way she also needs.

If you have kids, I recommend having time with them as well.

Exercise helps with dopamine and endorphines, keeping you going.

Goals and projects help too. Since dopamine is the searching and seeking chemical in your brain, having goals and projects to work on helps with dopamine.

For a short-term goal, I set my counter here for a one day at a time goal. Whether you have 90 one day goals, or one 90 day goal, it doesn't matter, both are the same amount of time in this world, but one has 90 dopamine hits.

Hi Kurall_Creator

Thanks for advices, i think i can apply many of them to my situation. And thanks again because of the hopes you give me about the chance to see changes and improvement in about 5 weeks. Going from one in ten to nine in ten successful sexual encounters is really a big thing for me!! You know how frustrating it is when failing to keep an erection long enough.

And about God, i'm now trying to rebuild (or better build) a relation with Him. It's not easy for me, i'm very damaged in many aspects of my life and faith.

I've never thought about a filter before. Now you said it, i really believe it can be helpful, giving me the chance to rethink about what am i doing

I've noticed when i'm doing the steps toward a self defeating session of PMO i usually feel hopeless about my strengths to resist the urges. It's like a self-fulfilled profecy in my head with an internal voice, it says "you can't resist, you are gonna do it again" "there's no point trying to reject it, and of course i always give up.

For now, i think i'm in flat state, i'm not feeling any urge to PMO, today it's thursday, 4th day in a row free of P; but the real challenge will come on friday night and the rest of the weekend. That's the worst time for me. Most of my PMO sessions happen on weekends. Of course that has a terrible impact on my sexual life, because it's the time i can have real sex with my wife. But among PIED, cheap excuses from my part and PMO sessions those days are usually a nightmare.

I'm trying to gather strengths and hope to have a grea weekend (if i win, it would be the 2nd weekend on this year M-free). So the challenge is very big.

What have your fiance?'s reactions on your relapses been? I'm very worried about my wife could take it bad, maybe she'll blame herself or even think of me as a failure. She usually is very careful and tender, but i can't help a feeling of uneasiness about the chance of relapsing.

Greetings

Hello Captain!

I'll agree with everything the ther guys have said and will add telling your wife will drop alot of the shame you currently feel.  It was the best move I made and kept me accountable to her. 

You can do this if you want to and we all will be happy to see you win this.

confessing everything to my wife , and asking her to be a partner in this healing process , was the best decision I made .
Keep on track.

Thank you both Sodonewithit and Hopeful!! Your words are very supportive.

Today, friday it's a good day to talk with my wife about my recovering challenge. She's gonna wait we'll have sex tonight so it put a little pressure on me, but i think i can manage to talk with her and explain what's happening to me. It would bring me relief on all the shame i feel right now.

I don't have many hopes on the sexual performance i would have tonight. I've been 5 days in a row cold turkey and feel some of the flat feelings.

Based on past experience the real danger for me will be tomorrow morning, there can be 2 scenarios:
1.- No sex tonight: tomorrow saturday, i'll wake up early. Since no release last night i might feel "entitled" to PMO.
The solution in that case: try meditation, doing some home workout and final option wake up my wife and ask her for help based on our late night conversation.

2.- Sex tonight: Tomorrow i  can wake up some chain reaction inside me making me crave for more. Usually, when that happened i indulged myself into a long PMO session (and of course after that a long sunday PMO binge).
The solution i'd try: Since this is the most dangerous scenario, i think the best i can do is wake up my wife and my daughter and go out of the house puting the most distance between me and the computer until i can regain selfcontrol.

I think the scenario 2 is the most dangerous, because my past experience the chain reaction to sex is very strong, so the best it's not trying to meditate nor workout and use the little remaining of self control in going out and put a big distance between me and the computer

My mind play tricks on me: "come on, just a picture, there's no harm doing it" or "why bother meditation, do it later" same with workout: "come on dude, do your workout later on the afternoon",  "just a glimpse, after all you did your duty tonight, you deserve some relax". Those thoughts are very poisonous on me, i've felt how fast i runout of selfcontrol.

If tonight i have sex and tomorrow (or the rest of the weekend) i relapse, i'll consider the option of abstain myself from sex for while.

Again, thanks for your support, i know sooner or later we are gonna make it. As i've seen in other journals here, Porn is never an option!!!

Tomorrow i'll show up here to tell you how it goes.

Skipper

I'm gonna refresh this journal. But now i have little time.
So trying to do it short and fast: I'm doing this fine. I talked with my wife about my rebooting and i had a relapse on september 27th, but i don't know how to put that on my counter without making a full reset on it.

I'm gonna put more details soon.

Glad to have you back Skipper. I don't know how to change the counter, but it's nice to read that you're doing ok?.