switched_off_again
Member
23/01/2019 - Day 0
Here I go again...
Hello - I'm back here once again to journal my second reboot attempt. Reboot take 1 (documented in another thread) kicked off last September. The early weeks were hard, but I think I made real progress. I had one relapse shortly before Christmas but managed to climb back on the wagon, and again thought I was doing well.
Then I hit the buffers last Thursday. I had an exceptionally stressful day, was really, really down in the evening, and ended up pouring a couple of large drinks and consoling myself by running back in to the arms of the chat site which has been at the heart of my addiction. What an idiot... Before I know it I'm back at square one, all the infatuation and anxiety about particular performers returns, all the self-hate and obsession with the situation the next day. My thoughts just going obsessively round and round in circles... Behaving like a pathetic teenager. My anxiety levels rising... "I think I've pissed her off with my neediness.... Will she be on tonight.... I wonder if she really cares...".
I hate being a slave... These are not rational thoughts. How I wish I'd never done this to my brain.
So reboot take 2 starts today. Although I've naturally lost a bit of motivation and drive after failing. I shouldn't have let my guard down - all the sensitized pathways were still there lurking, even though I didn't realize it...
Let's try to look at this positively. I know more about what to expect during the reboot. The early days will feature anxiety, depression and a sense of loss. I'll then think my libido has flicked in to over-drive and will be turned on and triggered by the mearest suggestion of the female form. Of course these are the now starved sensitized pathways screaming out for some action. Nothing to do with proper sexual energy... Thinks might start to normalize a few weeks and months in to the process, but I'll be at risk for a long time.
Hard mode is the only thing that works. No peeking, no flicking through pictures on Instagram. Learn visualization and distraction techniques wherever possible to actively get me to concentrate on anything but the triggers and obsessive thoughts. Mindfulness is something I've thought about before... I will read more on you brain on porn. I will be more proactive.
Here goes... I hope I can re-discover my enthusiasm for breaking out of this self inflicted vicious cycle. I hope I can start believing that permanent change is possible.
Here I go again...
Hello - I'm back here once again to journal my second reboot attempt. Reboot take 1 (documented in another thread) kicked off last September. The early weeks were hard, but I think I made real progress. I had one relapse shortly before Christmas but managed to climb back on the wagon, and again thought I was doing well.
Then I hit the buffers last Thursday. I had an exceptionally stressful day, was really, really down in the evening, and ended up pouring a couple of large drinks and consoling myself by running back in to the arms of the chat site which has been at the heart of my addiction. What an idiot... Before I know it I'm back at square one, all the infatuation and anxiety about particular performers returns, all the self-hate and obsession with the situation the next day. My thoughts just going obsessively round and round in circles... Behaving like a pathetic teenager. My anxiety levels rising... "I think I've pissed her off with my neediness.... Will she be on tonight.... I wonder if she really cares...".
I hate being a slave... These are not rational thoughts. How I wish I'd never done this to my brain.
So reboot take 2 starts today. Although I've naturally lost a bit of motivation and drive after failing. I shouldn't have let my guard down - all the sensitized pathways were still there lurking, even though I didn't realize it...
Let's try to look at this positively. I know more about what to expect during the reboot. The early days will feature anxiety, depression and a sense of loss. I'll then think my libido has flicked in to over-drive and will be turned on and triggered by the mearest suggestion of the female form. Of course these are the now starved sensitized pathways screaming out for some action. Nothing to do with proper sexual energy... Thinks might start to normalize a few weeks and months in to the process, but I'll be at risk for a long time.
Hard mode is the only thing that works. No peeking, no flicking through pictures on Instagram. Learn visualization and distraction techniques wherever possible to actively get me to concentrate on anything but the triggers and obsessive thoughts. Mindfulness is something I've thought about before... I will read more on you brain on porn. I will be more proactive.
Here goes... I hope I can re-discover my enthusiasm for breaking out of this self inflicted vicious cycle. I hope I can start believing that permanent change is possible.