New quest

  Hi, i'm new to the forum, i'm from Brazil, 24, just wanna share some words, been struggling with this problem for a few years, and also want to let this out off my chest, i feel completely lost.
  I've just recently find out Gary Wilson and his "Your Brain on Porn" Website. My entire world collapsed. I felt like i've lost more than 12 years of my life.
  This thing is so much attached to my brain that just by entering this forum and seeing a topic entitled "Teen", already arouses me and bring a strong memory about porn tube sites and their genres. It's incredible how this can mess your mind so much.
  It's at the same time weird and shocking to learn that you've been hooked to such a powerful drug, and that you're not so different from those addicts on the streets.
  My entire life as a late teenager and a young adult was not so much as a brilliant one. Indecision, strong anxiety, moderate social phobia, constantly brain fog, depression, suicidal thoughts, you name it. I just though i was different than the other people, and that the problem was only and entirely mine, and of course, that porn had nothing to do with it, even though i masturbate almost every day.
  Recently i've just hit the bottom. Started smoking, then using pot, then using a shot of amphetamine, and then went to LSD. Most of them bought through the deep web drug market. I don't know how i didn't end up using cocaine or heroin. It was just a step away.
  It's so revolting to find out now what a strong mess this has caused on my life and how much i've lost, including opportunities, real mates, focus on learning, you name it. Looking back now i see great part of my chances were demolished by this addiction.
  My conception of women is an absolute distortion of reality. Seeing women as an opportunistic being just because i was an addicted to porn and couldn't deal with a real person was a constant and normal judgement on my daily basis. Avoiding real persons to satisfy myself through a screen to an easy drug/orgasm was a common act in my entire life.
  Already at the early years my tastes were gradually changing to more rough and disrespectful genres toward women. I started to feel a constant sensation of being guilty after watching porn. I didn't liked to be around other people. If anyone was accused of something, i've felt like i was the responsible person for that. My self-esteem was completely to none.
  The striking point went when my tastes on porn started to crawl on areas that weren't ones of my true sexuality. I've started to question myself and why this was happening. I then understood that my brain was realizing that watching other people suffer wasn't enough. Deep in my mind he started to extract pleasure from fantasies where i was the one suffering. Literally. I couldn't believe myself. I was starting to have orgasms thinking subconsciously of my self-destruction. How could this be possible in a normal relationship?
  I's at the same time outrageous and hopeless to think that right now, in the entire world, great part of our children is being brainwashed by an industry that exploits human beings. And that the urges on their brains just throw then into this new "virtual drug", the same drug i was lured into when i was an young teenager.
  Anyway, i felt like it was good to share some words, i hope i'm not alone in this new quest in my life.
 
 

Glad you found us, I've found journaling on here daily really helps keep the temptation at bay. I definitely relate almost 100% with your story, especially about the sexual orientation distortion part. I started with normal stuff, and eventually got into some more stuff that wasn't really on point with my natural tastes, and it really did a number on my brain wiring. Anyway, stay strong in your battle my friend, hope to hear more from you.

  Thanks, just by knowing that another person had passed through similar problems brings me more relief. I will try to use this journal as an important tool of recovery.
  I want to share some things that might be useful for other persons, like what kind of actions triggered porn use, and what actions helped me avoid porn use.
  I realize that video-games played an important part in this process, stressing me out so much on the in-game tasks and objectives that the only way i could relief myself was through orgasms while whatching porn. A similar concept as show by Gary Wilson, who shows that situations of stress can be a trigger on the brain of those who had used internet porn for a long time.
  All in all, avoiding stress is so far a good tool i have to avoid porn use. The more stress you have, the more likely you are to come back to the addiction.
  Reading books about addiction and that helps build up your self-steem, and saying to yourself phrases that reinforce that you are a good person, that you are not guilty and you are doing you're best really helps. Not to mention mediation before sleep everyday, it makes your next day really enjoyable and makes you more happy to face each day.
 

I wish there was a "like" button, but yes I agree whole heartedly. If you ever have any questions you don't want to post on a public forum, you can always message me, or anyone else, or if you just want words of encouragement. Good luck man.

Thanks for the help man, i really appreciate it.

  Day 12 - Anyway, i messed up yesterday and masturbate, i didn't watched porn but the urge to relief myself was and still is absurd. I though it would go away, but no, it actually became stronger. It's just an overwhelming feeling telling you that you have to do this now otherwise you won't have another opportunity. It's like someone screaming in your head helpless telling you that this is the most important thing in your life right know. Your grades, your friends, responsibilities, what you like to do, everything, literally EVERYTHING does not matter when this urge steps in. He is the guy that kicks the door and tell you that ALL your life depends on this. There's no reasoning. It's just a massive force pulling you towards this, it's incredible how weak the brain becomes.The more you tell no and try to get away, the stronger the feeling that you are nothing, that you are a looser, that you are worthless. It is INDEED a tough fight. I can't concentrate in other topics than this, the further i achieved from watching porn the harder it becomes to concentrate on other things. It sure became easier to look people in their eyes and you do gain more confidence, but anxiety, brain fog and that desperate lack of reason telling you desperately deep in your brain that you HAVE to masturbate is absurd, i do now realize how deep my brain is addicted to this thing. Is by far the most challenging experience in my life, and since i live alone, and never had sex in my life, it's been more than ever a true challenge. Just so you know, comparing this to alcohol, cigarettes, pot, amphetamine and LSD, all of this drugs for me are FAR, VERY, VERY FAR AWAY in terms of addiction comparing to porn. I've almost completely forgot all of these drugs and it's a breeze to not use then, but comparing all of them to porn is just nonsense to me. And just to clear things out, i already went to a psychiatrist and i'm already taking a small dosage of medicine to help me with the anxiety. It's just incredible how worthless you start to feel after some time not using porn.

What i have come to learn so far, based on my own experience, is that this, getting rid of this addiction is a battle of will, and will isn't a regular or constant thing in your head, it changes, depending on your emotions, your attitude, and your HOPE. i wish you luck my friend, and please, have the hope to support your will, the rest of us have it in you.

Thanks for the wise words and your support, i really hope to reach my goal and get rid of this, and wish you guys the same.

Don't linger on it, and just move on and learn from your mistakes. It's a hard journey, but one really big thing that's helping me get through this is...first of all, God, cause I'm a christian, but that's just me. But also really important is reading and posting on this blog and staying connected, has made a HUGE difference, so I recommend just staying connected as much as possible and get encouragement from others, because I've learned the hard way that will power just isn't enough if it's just by yourself. Good luck dude.

Thanks for the advice Toby, i will try to post my advance here and learn from others as much as i can, you are right, keeping in touch with others with the same problem is truly inspiring.

Day 13 - Reading the book from Gary Wilson made me start a new experience today: cold showers.
Since i'm writing this in the morning just one hour after the first cold shower, i can't say much, but it sure make you feel with more energy and be more alert for the day, but i'll be writing more here to let you guys know if this actually helps.
Yesterday i had a class about management in the university and started doing yoga classes in the afternoon, it helped low dow the stress and the anxiety, it was really good. I will try to keep up and continuing doing the yoga classes.
In the night i couldn't focus on my homework (read a ton of pages for a class next week) so i was reading the book of YourBrainOnPorn, that's how i got to the cold showers, and also to the extinction method, which i will NOT try, even tough it is kind of for people like me that played a LOT of video games and can't use porn blockers (since they look like a challenge and you will be tempted to bypass then like the new challenges on your games).
Since i stopped watching porn, it has been a challenge to sleep early, since i was used to PMO almost everyday before sleep, so reading through the book helped me get tired and go to sleep.
So far so good, i'm testing a new theory which i will post in the next days, if i'm right it can help us get through the withdrawal symptoms with more ease. Good day for all of you!

Day 14 - Today was a strange day. I woke up, did some push-ups, pull-bar, abs and then take a cold shower. Took my medication, eat my breakfast and continued to read the texts of my masters classes. At lunch time i went to a nearby restaurant (which is not much a place i like, since one girl i once loved makes sure she goes there at the same time i go with another guy just to push my buttons, but anyway, let's just say i'm kind of guilty of that too and was diagnosed with love addiction. And no i didn't had any intimate relationship with her, which is just worse).
  On the way back home i just saw a lovely woman. Truly beautiful. I noticed her other times before, but this time was different, i wanted to look with more detail. Went back home and all the problems started.
  For some reason i couldn't concentrate on reading my texts, then it started a memory urge of that woman in the street and it then became an absurd urge to masturbate, which i started (without porn) but then stopped before reaching orgasm. I've got back to my senses and then realized after reading the book of YourBrainOnPorn that what just happened was a trigger to masturbate (procrastination on reading the texts, being alone, being tired of my morning exercise, being hungry and then finally thinking constantly about that woman).
  I've then made a healthy snack, and went to bed to take a nap. Then for the first time in my life i had the most provocative and realistic wet dream i ever had (not with the woman i had seen on the street).
  Woke up very excited (sexually) and then read some texts of sex-addicts to be more inspired, and then i realized that my problem is not actual "porn", but masturbation itself.
  My road is not being a straight line like i had envisioned, but at least i'm knowing myself better.

Hey Andre1,

Glad you joined Reboot Nation. This blog has been essential to my reboot and hope you have a similar experience with it. I read your story and deeply resonate with it. Apart from the side effects that you mentioned, I too have used (and abused) mind altering drugs in the past and I completely agree with you that quitting PMO is far, far harder. In moments of introspection, I have realized that my general addictive nature probably is extends from the fact that I've been used to constantly getting a dopamine fix since the age of 14. For me this means that when we beat this, the root of our addiction, we are going to see benefits in other areas of life.

I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing about all your successes.

Thanks absam, the more i see people with similar problems like mine, the more i get confident that our chances of recovery are not that far. I also hope you the best. Nowadays it's been more then a challenge to be a "clean" person, since many drugs are being used more often. For instance, I've took mine on the internet deep web black market. I've never ever went to an alley to buy drugs. But today, every kind of drug do you need, is just a click away, with completely anonymity and for a cheap price, or free, in the case of pornography. Technology is a dangerous stuff.

Day 15 - Today i've repeated yesterday's morning ritual: exercise, cold shower, medication, breakfast and read texts for masters. And then i slipped a little and open a webpage of nude pics (no sex acts), let it open for a few seconds and then closed the tab.
  Lunch time: Little anxious but still could look people in the eyes and talk normally, but for some reason, anxious (maybe the mistrust in myself after opening that webpage).
  After reading more texts for my masters, i've decided to go jogging in the afternoon. It was kind of a torture test, for some reason the hottest chicks in town were there jogging at the same time i was. I've then remembered the relapse i had yesterday and tried not to take their bodies so seriously, but honestly i had to look, it was almost impossible not to.
  Got back home, took another cold shower, then i went to the bakery, bought some food, got back home, ate a little, started to read the masters texts again, and then i was kind of bored and decided to watch mad men.
  I know, it sounds like i am cheating, but i did watch mad men before and didn't had any problems with it, besides the pretty women, i actually do like the 60's scenario. Is a thing that i actually like and not feel that i'm just watching because of the women.

Day 16 - Yesterday night i just had one of the craziest wet dreams i ever had in my life, let's just say that i was awake in the middle of the night, rolling around my bed believing on the stuff that my head was making up. I related to watching Mad Men, which in part was true, but the true cause was the withdrawal, that it was kind of intense for this day too.
  Oh, i also rearrange the furniture in my bedroom, it's been a few days already, kind of helped. I've also deleted the Facebook app on my cellphone. Man, what a crap app. That stuff sucks HOURS of your day for some gifs and stupid quotes. Only after uninstalling i've realized how productive and happy i can be without that. Now i only access facebook through the browser (no more than one time per day, some days i don't even access it).

Morning: Medication, Exercise, Cold Shower, Breakfast, reading masters texts.
Lunch time: Restaurant was packed, had some minor tension and anxiety problem (withdrawal and love addiction problem that i've mentioned before).
Afternoon: Listened to some different music and tried to concentrate on reading the masters texts in vain. Then i got bored and started watching Mad Men. Really enjoyed it. It helped me to figure it out some of my personal problems (call me crazy). Long story short, i realized that i've payed to much attention in my life and tried to seek the three stuff that i always wanted but always denied: Extreme beauty, Sexual satisfaction, and Power. Which is just the rewards that masturbating to porn "virtually" gives you, since you are with the most "powerful" (make you do whatever they ask), attractive, and sexual women available in the entire world, just what everyone in your life say that it isn't important tough most people around the world go nuts for those three key pleasures.
  As i've posted earlier, i've went to a psychiatrist to resolve some other problems, including those i've said in this post. What i didn't said before is that i've only started to realize that i was going to far on this porn stuff when i started to value myself, and practice what they call "self-love". Yes, trying to understand myself, my limitations, make myself more happy, care less about what people say and be the guide of my own life played an important whole in all of this and still does, a LOT.
  This kind of attitude made me realize that porn was just a drug that i was addicted to so i could scape from true relationships and make my childish dreams come true. True fact is that porn literally blocked my mental development in understanding that sex, beauty and power are not everything that you should go after, since PMO just ensured in my brain that what i was seeing in the screen was good and life was crap compared to that. My brain literally remained stationary in a kid environment complaining that i didn't gave him what he wanted. Now i literally have to walk the steps of a 12-year old boy to understand how to handle a relationship with a loved one, since i've never had any other that went further than a kiss.

Looking at my first counter you should realize what happened. Yeah. So, instead of feeling bad, i?ve continued my path. Though this was kind of a setback, i learned an important lesson, which i will describe below.

Day 17 - Morning: Medication, exercise, cold shower (the thought to relieve myself was so strong that i got excited in the cold shower.), MO (Anyway, the positive fact i saw with this is that i do not have ED, i was to able to maintain an erection and reach orgasm without thinking about other people or sex at all, which is good), breakfast.
  The whole concept i started to wonder was about how porn works in my brain aside from the reward system. What porn makes me think about the people around me? When i walk down the street and see a lovely gal, or watch a movie with a beautiful actress, what makes me want to masturbate? What is the real cause? Believing that all of this were driven exclusively by addiction was kind of fishy. Everything has a cause and origin.
  I?ve then come to understand that what drives me is purely desire of possession. My brain literally thinks subconsciously that he has the right to own other peoples bodies and have sex with them by all means, and if he doesn?t, he forces me to think about it doing it. So how can i stop with this possessive/destructive thought? I?ve then used the same concept of possession, in reverse.
  First, the only thing i own is my body. Nobody has the right to use it besides me. Other peoples bodies are their properties, and the only people that can use them is themselves. I do not have the right to think that their bodies are mine, or that they were born to satisfy me. The only right i have is to feel attracted and recognize that the other person body is attractive, end of story.
  This thought literally opened my mind to realize how i was seeing people. Porn had reinforced the thought of pleasure at all costs, disrespecting other peoples images and value. Using that same concept i?ve understand that i was giving more attention only to people which bodies could somehow be attractive. The same way that porn does.
  The other factor i reinforced was to not feel ashamed about MO. If god put me in this world, and gave me the possession of my body, i realized that i deserve to be happy, and the only thing i had done was satisfying myself without thinking/judging anyone, and that there is no shame in recognizing my limitations. I?m human, i make mistakes, there?s no shame in recognizing that. I was born imperfect and i will die imperfect. That?s what i am. I?m not a super-hero. I walk one step a day, i wasn?t prepared for the entire load, so i?ve dropped it. Now i know better which size is the better to carry on.

  Lunch time: I went to the restaurant, and by some reason i didn?t feel any difference in relation to being ashamed/guilty or with strong anxiety, like many other times that i went without MO. I believe that facing the fact and stop trying to punish myself like a child made a huge diference. Saying to myself that i do deserve to be happy and love myself, worth it.

Afternoon: Read more masters texts (i've been doing solely that for four days, it's been a pain in the ass. There is this holiday, and all my friends went out of town and i am supposed to finish this reading and bring a paper. So i was basically sitting in my desk staring at the screen alone for the last four days, except when i go have lunch. Maybe that helped to increase the urge to MO). And then watched more MadMen, really enjoyed it.
  There's a guy that i deliver my clothes to get washed, he went today and i started to talk to him, but then i realized he was visibly drunk. It was really uncomfortable. Holiday outcome i guess.

  Today i?ve realized that my true battle is against MO. I do not feel an incredible urge to open tube sites anymore, which is great. But controlling my urge to masturbate remains a great challenge.

  If what i said above sounds like giving up, i'm sorry, i don't wanna ruin other people's challenge, that's just my point of view of things. I prefer being totally clear in my journal than to lie.

Day 18 - Morning: Medication, exercise, cold shower, finish paper for masters class.
Lunch time: Spent too much time on my paper, eat whatever i could find on the fridge and slept a little to recover some energy.
Went to the master class and then i realized why i had that great urge to MO yesterday and why i was so anxious. Being around known people after 4 days of staying in a room staring a screen reading texts, was a true relief. In these 4 days that passed i only had gone out for lunch and jogging but i didn't communicate with anyone known this entire time. Only with strangers, and barely. After spending some time with know people and talking with them after this entire holiday started to settle down my anxiety and clear my mind. In the end of the class i felt great, i could understand everything and even question some points.
So there you'll go, my conclusion to avoid this problem is to never stay more than 2 days alone doing solely one thing without communicating with anyone you known. This made me very sad, and i realized that know.
Afternoon: After class i went down to the university library and started preparing some presentation i will do in a conference. Then later i went down to meet some friends from college and eat something. In some point of the conversation one of my friends told my she didn't liked me when we were on college and in her opinion i was a jerk that only bragged to others. I felt like crap because today, the same day that she said this, i brought her a gift from a trip i had done. Not to mention i did liked her before in college time.

Anyway, another step, another day without porn, trying to control the urge to MO.

Day 22 - I've spent the last three days in a great trip to a Congress in Sao Paulo. My article was one of the selected ones to be there and i received many recommendations to improve my work, and of course critics. But everything went ok in the end.
  My urge to PMO is right know, honestly, subtle. I actually feel more attracted to MO or to grab smoke than to PMO.
  My trip to the university was really inspirational. The Congress was on the management, economics and accounting department of the university and i also went to the architecture department to take a look (since this was the course that i've always wanted to do when i was a teenager, but i didn't make it), and since this university is the biggest on Latin America, is needless to say how happy i was to be there.
  So far my urges to MO come from looking other girls and fantasizing about making out, and doing sex (not all the time, and also no aggressive fantasies though, which is good).
  One problem that has been bothering me is anxiety. As you probably know by now, i take an antidepressant medication, but the real action is indeed on the anxiety. Anyway, my anxiety in the Congress, even after presenting my article, continued quite high. I found difficult to stare people in their eyes for long times even tough i wasn't slaughtered in my presentation (is not an "ashamed/guilty", is more like that i'm in a hurry and don't wanna make smalltalk, like a bothering sensation, that tells you that you're different from those you're talking, and in the end you have to simulate that you're like them, that's why the bothering sensation).
  But since one of my personal problems is indeed anxiety, and was one of the main reasons i've went to a psychiatrist, i think this problem was predictable.
  I've come to think about MO and honestly thought about lowering a little bit my goals (from 30 days to 15). Since i don't feel that crazy urge to PMO and my fantasies aren't that aggressive anymore, i suppose i should establish lower goals. Since the urge to MO is prejudicing my study, my concentration and my focus(which i know that it is expected), if i continue with all those symptoms i will probably fail in most of my disciplines, so i need to take it easy on the MO, dealing with caution, or it will probably take me down and even probably throw me to PMO again if i try to strike him down at once (I've already tried to avoid MO before).
  I've taken this measure also because in Gary Wilson's book it is said that one of the reasons that can cause the urge to MO is high libido, which also can be a cause of mine, since i don't have ED after all those years with PMO and could reach orgasm without thinking about women and sex even though i've never had sex.
  But of course, i'm aware of the chaser effect and that MO with high frequency is not healthy, specially for me who is recovering from an addiction. I will try this new approach since the risks of this one that i'm using is making things a little dubious.
  Please, as i said on another post, i don't wanna ruin other peoples challenge, my situation and my point of view DOES NOT fit to all people, but only to myself.

Glad you're still going strong dude, I really like reading about your life, it's pretty interesting and I hope you continue to succeed in your field and wish many a happiness on you. Good luck.

Thanks Toby, you're the man. 

Day 30 - That's funny, i left this forum for a few days and today i wanted to start writing again. I had no idea today was the 30rd day without porn, which was my main goal. What a great coincidence.

  I've been having a few problems lately, it's been only two days since i last MO. I then realized i should've start using a new approach. So i've been reading this book of Deepak Chopra called "Perfect Health" (my psychiatrist recommend it to me) in which there is a chapter discussing addicts, and how he deals with it. It has a very different approach, first it tells you that dealing with your addiction like it was a monkey grabbed on you is not useful, you should change your memory towards your addiction first. He tells that you first need to be conscious about your addiction. It tells you that stoping all at once might not be the best strategy. For smokers he suggest that they first shouldn't act on auto-pilot mode when smoking and they should start to understand what triggers the smoking and feel what happens with them when smoking, and paying attention how the body reacts to it.

  I did this approach two days ago with MO, and it worked so far, i've started to realize some triggers and what emotions make me MO. Feelings of obligations, fear, anger and anxiety are main drivers to the addiction. And stupid things like avoiding being naked in front of the bathroom mirror, and also don't spend more time naked than usual also helps A LOT. And then a funny thing happened. I don't know if you been reading all my posts so far, but i watch MadMen sometimes. Two days ago, i think the same day i read that book i was talking about, i watched an episode that shows so well the problem of addiction that it really inspired me. It shows how weak a person become toward an addiction and how automatic we become towards it. I think it's episode 8 of season 4. The main character decides to stop his alcohol addiction and started to change his life. (please note that this series has a lot of "intercourse" so if your sensitive to this, forget what i said) The face that he does when he faces a lot of people drinking is just brilliant. Jon Hamm is a great actor.

  I also decided to disable the counters on my signature, for some reason knowing how far i just got is not helping much for some reason. Deepak Chopra's book also told that keeping counters is not the best strategy towards addiction.

Edit: After that time without porn, you do become a little more "righteous" in your thoughts about women. Your mind uses less "porn induced memories" when you think about them, which is a great relief and make you feel less anxious. Not all the time of course, we're man after all.      Words like "slut", "whore" and "bitch", so common on porn tube sites started to fade away from my mind. Which made me understand of how much crap those sites are made of. I mean, everything is "ok" for them. Is not enough to put those people on every kind of weird circumstances, you have to call them names and put them below the level of an animal to make us feel pleasure. And to think that my brain is attached to that crap.
  Who never had that chilling and anxious effect that happens when you are trying to focus on a woman that it's talking to you when you realize that she looks just like a pornstar you've just saw on a tube site another day doing all kinds of crazy stuff? Not to mention when this man/women is somewhat part of your family and the anxiety hits the roof. I had this feeling back then, it's one of the weirdest sensations you can have. You kind of lose that "fraternal" bond with the person, the "porn" profile blends in with the actual person and your brain makes no sense of whats going on and start to mix things up, making you believe that the person is a potential sex partner. The only thing that worked for me on those situations was to avoid contact. I didn't know it was that awful until now, when i can see things more clearly. Besides ED, in my point of view porn is something really harmful for familiar relationships. It was for me.
  Reducing that feeling is really great. Of course i'm not 100% on to it, but this reduction REALLY helps. It feels like you've gone back in time when people only had playboys magazines to play with themselves.

Day 35 without PMO, 7 days without MO - This weekend i went to another Congress, this one was actually better for me because of the contacts i've managed to get from very important scholars and high-end workers of the consulate of another country.

Successfully continuing with the morning exercises and cold showers (i am actually starting to like them, hehehe).

Aside from this trip i don't have much to tell, besides the fact that i'm still trying to control my anxiety and MO triggers, which are a pain in the ass since i don't have too much people that think the same way i do, or like the same things i do, which limitates my friendship connections and places that i go to socialize.

In the last post i've mentioned that my thoughts got a little more righteous about women. The problem now is that any conversation that i have with a particular close friend of mine involves women. My libido and cravings are becoming altered. If i wasn't taking that medication i mentioned before, i would probably had MO already or even PMO.

Day 37 with no PMO, 9 days without MO. - Yesterday i believed i had, for the first time in my life, the kind of sobriety i never had in a party.
  Not the kind of sobriety related to not using alcohol. Instead, it is the sobriety that let you do what you want, stop doing what makes you feel bad and let you feel comfortable with who you truly are, powering your self-esteem.

  The place was packed with people, it was a huge party at an open space. People drinking, dancing, walking around, the sound blazing our ears, people kissing each other, you got the figure.

  In my 5 years of college/masters those kinds of parties was one of the main reasons i had a low self-esteem, mainly for not doing what everyone does at those parties, like kissing girls and/or having sex after the party. And now for the first time i've felt i've achieved true progress in this area.

  Needless to say that the absence of porn changed a lot of my thoughts about women in the party. This was the first time i've actually felt happiness in this kind of environment (Not roof-breaking happiness, but a true one), without feeling like crap and the most important of all: without exceeding myself and doing only things that make me feel better.

  I refused a lot, and i mean A LOT of cigarettes offerings during the party without feeling guilty or wanting to smoke, even though i've already had smoked a lot in another occasions. This was the first time i've felt my self-esteem so strong.

  And of course, there is always that magic moment in the party. I was with my friend near the stage when i saw a girl going through the people with some friends following her behind with some drinks in their hands. She looked at me and then stopped to talk, she was a little drunk, and so was i. This girl was the ex-girlfriend from a ex-frarternity guy i lived with. I always found her attractive, i remember when i was at the fraternity and watched some tv shows of plastic surgery, which her boyfriend would avoid to watch at all costs because of the explicit scenes, but for some reason she liked the tv show too, and even watched some of it when i was watching. For some reason i always though that she found me attractive, but then again, this was more like those kinds of relationships you have more doubts and know you can't do that although the cravings keep crawling your skin.

  In the short conversation she asked me if i was who she thought i was, since it was a long time we didn't saw each other, and then said my nickname in the fraternity. I just felt great at that moment. The last time she heard my nickname was more then 4 years ago, and we barely talked back then. So the doubts i had that she somewhat had found me attractive and kept me in her memories was confirmed at that moment. The guy (one of the friends behind her that were holdings the drinks) pinched her, like trying to make her to move. She answered mad to him, answering that she knew me and was talking to me. I said to the guy i didn't saw her for a long time and for some reason he wanted to shake hands. I asked her if she was okay and how things were, and she confirmed that everything was going fine. She then continued, saying that she had broken up with the guy, but they still saw each other.

  I then had an urge, kind of sexual, and impulsive. Knowing that kissing her in the mouth was out of the question, since i'm not that aggressive, i reached her and give her a good kiss on the cheek. Man, that felt incredibly good. Is that kind of childish feeling of kissing that teacher that you feel a platonic love with but at the same time you know you can't because you are to young to do that. I was kind of fulfilled by the reward of having the permission to comfort and give pleasure to a person that for some reason likes you and then for politeness or shyness don't want to say out loud but let you make your move so that she can feel a safe pleasure about it and be rewarded by her doubt of what to expect from you.
  The feeling of knowing that i was right about my suspicion years later was very good. I mean, very, very good. I don't know if you guys had already that feeling, but i guess the feeling is the same of a kid knowing that the girl that he always found attractive also likes him, but never told him because she was afraid to do so.
  Then we said our goodbyes and we split and so the party continued. Later in the party she passed in front of me and i had to control my urge to grab her and kiss her in the mouth. Kissing an ex-girlfriend from a guy that was my friend is something i still don't feel comfortable doing for some reason.

  The confidence in the party continued, meeting other know persons, girls, having those gals staring at you for some short time and making you feel like you had won the oscar, and believe me, even though i had not put my tongue in any other girl's mouth and although a lot of people were doing that, i didn't felt bad at all after the party ended, and after waking up the other day, even though i had drinked a lot. No remorse or bad feelings.

  Like some people say: "Do not say your achievements are worthless just because they're small"

P.S.: Yes, the urges to MO continues.