Bringing the Elephant to Heel

Hello All,

I've tried to quit porn before, but keep relapsing. I feel a journal and some measure of accountability is the next logical step.

Here's my story:

I'm 33 years old. I started masturbating when I was 16 or so. I didn't use pornography at first. I'd buy movies that I knew contained nudity. I also had printed images from bikini magazines. Eventually I just downloaded these clips from movies directly from the internet and accumulated folders of these celebrity photos and clips.

By the time I was 19 or 20 I probably had a few porn clips and my collection grew from there.

For the next 8-9 years I probably masturbated once a day to porn or some video clip. I would regularly download porn and save these videos in sorted folders on my hard drive.

Around age 28 I tried dating for the very first time and lost my virginity to a sweet girl I met on OKCupid. We started a relationship and I stopped using porn for a while. Eventually our desire to tear into each other decreased a little and I went back to using porn. We sometimes used it together.

In the last 2 years or so I began to understand that porn use is not healthy and was harming my relationship, my drive in life and my will power. It was affecting my brain. I tried quitting several times with varying degrees of success. Sometimes I'd last a few days and sometimes a few weeks or maybe even a month. During this time my fiancee (OKCupid girl turned into my life partner) and I still had sex and I found myself asking for blowjobs quite often. In retrospect, I think the blowjobs were my way of replacing porn.

Anyway, let's fast forward to today:  My fiancee and I ended our relationship of 5 years about 3 days ago. It was a mutual split, but it still hurts very much. We still live together for now, but in separate bedrooms. It's hard walking away from what we had. We had many plans for the future. We planned on getting married, moving to Tennessee and starting a big family. We had already named our kids, etc, etc.

So I'm now starting over with my life in a sense. I realize I need to be a better man. I need to conquer my bad habits and build more value so that I can attract another mate and eventually realize my dreams of having a loving wife and a family.

Pornography use is one of the bad habits that absolutely needs to go. Thus starts my journal.

I'm calling my journal "Bringing the Elephant to Heel" because of a book I read about how people are of two minds: the rider (the logical side of your brain that knows what's best in the long run) and the elephant (the emotional side of your brain that wants instant gratification). To beat porn, I'll need to bring the emotional/instant gratification part of my brain to heel.

I used pornography when I woke up this morning because I rationalized that it would help me subdue the feelings of loss and the strong desire I have to get my ex back. When I use pornography, it dampens my sense of loss for a while.

However, it's still a destructive habit I need to kick. I'll need to combat my desire to get my ex back using different methods. Porn is not the answer. I have to quit porn once and for all. I have to.

If anyone has questions or comments or feedback, please do post. I could certainly use the support, accountability, advice and socialization right now. Tough times are ahead, but I'm betting on myself being strong enough to bear the pain and finally turn the corner.

I've had the urge to PMO yesterday, but I resisted.

When I woke up this morning I saw one of my favorite political commentators on Youtube had put out a new video last night. It was actually an interview with a porn star. I was curious to watch it, but after a few minutes the urge to look up her porn became strong and I closed out the video and got out of bed and tried to get on with my day.

One of the hard things about not watching porn or masturbating is that I no longer know where my next orgasm is going to come from. I used to be able to count on that with my fiancee, but now that we are split that's not the case.

Oh well, one day at a time. I'll check in tonight or tomorrow morning.

Turningthecorner,

Welcome.  My advice: either your ex-fiancee' or you need to move out of that apartment.  It is unhealthy to live with someone you used to have  a romantic relationship with if there is no chance of rebuilding that relationship.  She must understand how living  together won't help either of you?  Tell her you don't want to throw her out on the street, but that for the sake of both of your mental healths one of you will have  to leave.

You seem to be off to a good start with your reboot.  Keep up the good work.

Rich

As for your next orgasm, I 100 % can relate to that anxiety.  I began this long, windy  path back when I was single in college.  The idea of not releasing a load was terrifying.  Focus on combining the idea of sex and orgasm with a relationship and then focus, eventually on getting a new relationship.  This is a healthy outlook that everyone (and most do) should embrace.  The women who you will eventually date will use this outlook, so should you.

Good luck.

HumbleRich said:

Turningthecorner,

Welcome.  My advice: either your ex-fiancee' or you need to move out of that apartment.  It is unhealthy to live with someone you used to habe a romantic relationship with if there is no chance of rebuilding that relationship.  She must understand how liging together won't help either of you?  Tell her you don't want to throw her out on the street, but that for the sake of both of your mental healths one of you will habe to leave.

You seem to be off to a good start with your reboot.  Keep up the good work.

Rich

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That's great advice and it agrees with everything I've read about getting past a break up too. Unfortunately both of our names our on the mortgage and neither of us can afford to move out at the moment (due to the fact we also own a home in TN together). I'm going to keep looking for ways to get the space we both need to get past each other.

In the mean time, I'm just laser focused on not PMOing or MOing. I'm so angry I let myself be seduced by porn... that I was blind to the effect it was having on me. And I'm angry that every time I tried to quit I'd get sucked back in by one moment of weakness. It wasn't until I started trying to quit that I realized how insanely addictive it is and how much of a crutch it was.

Two clean days under my belt.

Currently on Day 3.

Feeling pent up, but trying to keep busy. Trying to build a better routine. Need to get outside more.

Need a group of guy friends in real life. I feel like that's an area of my life that I never cultivated because why would I care about hanging out with a group of guys when I could go home and PMO and piss away my life on the internet? Paying the price for it now.

Oh well. Gotta stay focused on primary task. No P. No M. No O until I have a partner.

One day at a time.

I didn't PMO today, but my ex came into my bedroom today to hang out and we ended up having sex.

Probably not a good idea for making the breakup any easier, but I guess the point of not PMOing is so when sex happens with a really person the attraction is strong and the experience is positive.

In any case, still determined and vigilant against PMOing and MOing. I have 2 days under my belt and I intend to keep that streak in tact and build on it.

Checking in.

Three clean days under my belt.

Currently on Day 4.

Lots of sexual thoughts in and out of my head so far today. Doing my best to push them away on focus on other things. Lots of random boners.

Got enough stuff to keep me busy. Just gotta do those things and not procrastinate. The days are much easier when I'm not wasting time and my brain is occupied doing something else.

Nice progress! the important thing is to rewire your brain to respond sexually to real interaction with a person. Porn abuse wires your brain to respond sexually only to images. As you scour websites looking for the perfect video to jack-off to, the brain release? massive amounts of dopamine?then when you do eventually ejaculate, the brains pleasure / reward center becomes wired to that process of looking for porn.
Does that make sense?
Fappy

Hey there... Well done on the progress, that's good news. Just a question: do you think there would be anything that could get you and your partner back together? I mean: you said that you had sex a couple of night ago and it felt really good from having been porn free for a couple of days. Do you think that you could save things if you had an open chat with her, came clean about your addiction and made a plan to recover? Is that something you'd want to do?

Fappy said:

Nice progress! the important thing is to rewire your brain to respond sexually to real interaction with a person. Porn abuse wires your brain to respond sexually only to images. As you scour websites looking for the perfect video to jack-off to, the brain release? massive amounts of dopamine?then when you do eventually ejaculate, the brains pleasure / reward center becomes wired to that process of looking for porn.
Does that make sense?
Fappy

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It does make sense. I need to keep reminding myself of this so I don't rationalize any type of slip-up. No looking at sexy pics of women, no looking at sexy vids or porn.

I was watching some video on Youtube that said the more I PMO, the less control I have in some area of my brain that actually regulates self control. It really made me wonder, "How much self control have I lost over the last 15 years of my life because it was eroded away by my addiction to porn?"

Is this why I could never stick with going to the gym? Is this why it's so hard for me to force myself out of bed in the morning? Etc etc.

I just wish I knew the consequences before I got hooked. I don't know that I would have made the right decision, but I wish 16 year old me had this info.

I agree with PE30,

I think you should have a talk with your ex.  Obviously there is still sexual chemistry there and feelings below the surface might still be reached if you two just try.  Ask her what the big problems were that she saw, if there is anything you can do to work on those.  Tell her this isn't about manipulation.  You aren't trying to change her mind or trick her into anything.  Just ask if she wants to give it another try.  It is worth a shot.  And if the answer is no, then some boundaries need to be set.  I would advise no more sex between the two of you.  You have to stop reinforcing any residual feelings.

Good luck!

Rich

PE30 said:

Hey there... Well done on the progress, that's good news. Just a question: do you think there would be anything that could get you and your partner back together? I mean: you said that you had sex a couple of night ago and it felt really good from having been porn free for a couple of days. Do you think that you could save things if you had an open chat with her, came clean about your addiction and made a plan to recover? Is that something you'd want to do?

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Well, she already knew about my struggles with porn. At least to a degree.

6 months ago I found some video with Gary Wilson and she was in the room when I watched it. She noted that I seemed to have lots of the same problems that Gary was detailing in the video. I agreed and told her it's a struggle. We stopped watching porn together at that point (which we had done once in a while, but not super regularly). I also tried to stop masturbating.

I can't remember how long I successfully gave it up, but when I finally did relapse, I didn't tell her. I let her keep thinking I was porn free.

I did manage to get back on the wagon for another couple of months. I never had an issue getting an erection with her, but sometimes it took a little time to get one. I often had troubles finishing. For those 2 months I got back on the wagon she was able to get me off pretty easily. 2-3 minute blowjob was pretty much automatic during that period.

Anyway, she's aware porn was a struggle for me. Even after we broke up I told her about starting this online journal. She was  surprised and asked me why I'd need one if I've been clean for 6 months and I just told her the urge to use porn never went away and I want to conquer the urges too.

The thing with our relationship is that it's hard to peg how much of a role porn played a role. She loves compliments and physical affection and cuddling and smooching and being told she's pretty, etc etc. To that end, porn probably really hurt things because I'd jerk off and then not show that much interest in her and she wasn't getting her needs met.

At the same time, when she was feeling neglected, she opened up to a guy on her softball team and they texted from morning to night and confessed that they were into each other and I was none the wiser for several months. I don't think anything physical happened between them, but it was still emotional cheating and I struggle trying to trust her now.

There's a part of me that still thinks we could be together, but there is another part of me that's really upset she's still hung up on this other guy. Last night she had two softball games and texted me at 8:30 to tell me the last one was over. But then she didn't get home till 11:30. My brain was struggling with that all last night. Was she just hanging out with the team? Had her and the guy peeled off to hang out 1-on-1? Did it get physical? I was just myself crazy last night.

I tried to go to sleep at 10:15, but I just lay in bed until I heard her come in at 11:30. She showered and then opened my door a crack to tell me she was home safe. I don't know exactly what came over me, but I told her to come in and close the door and get on my bed. She complied so I took that as a green light and we ended up having sex again.

God, you can tell by all my rambling on this topic that the break up has been hard and I'm definitely getting a little screwy as a result. Regardless, however all that works out... I gotta keep my life porn free. It's a variable that can only hurt my life equation.

HumbleRich said:

I agree with PE30,

I think you should have a talk with your ex.  Obviously there is still sexual chemistry there and feelings below the surface might still be reached if you two just try.  Ask her what the big problems were that she saw, if there is anything you can do to work on those.  Tell her this isn't about manipulation.  You aren't trying to change her mind or trick her into anything.  Just ask if she wants to give it another try.  It is worth a shot.  And if the answer is no, then some boundaries need to be set.  I would advise no more sex between the two of you.  You have to stop reinforcing any residual feelings.

Good luck!

Rich

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We've had a form of this talk a couple times. She hated that I seemed so unhappy and that I seemed to have lost my drive/ambition.

She also had sincere doubts about her ability to make me happy (for other reasons).

Right now she wants to stay broken up and she wants to get through the softball season. She says she wants to know for sure that she can resolve her feelings for the softball guy before deciding if we can get back together. She says she's not going to have sex with him and even try not to kiss him.

I really don't know if I believe that or not and I feel like the world's biggest cuck sorta waiting this all out while she decides.

Basically, all this is up in the air and that's what makes me crazy on a daily basis and that's why we still end up having sex. There are still feelings (on both sides). There is still sexual attraction there (on both sides). But, she's basically got to decide if she's trading on from me or not.

And I need to figure out if I'm actually cool with that. Right now she thinks I am. But it eats at me a lot.

There are a couple of red flags there, bud.  Every woman wants to be shown affection and coddled, but the response to not getting that is to bring it up to you, not to go looking elsewhere.  Hello!  She was engaged to you at the time!  Also, she doesn't seem to know what she wants at the moment, and the two of you sleeping with eachother won't help. 

Tell her that she needs to figure out what she wants.  Does she want to get back together with you and get back on the road to marriage, or to be with this other guy?

Tell her that her staying out late hurt your feelings.  I think that is a fair thing to tell her.  Not because she owes you anything, but because your relationship is up in the air.

Tell her that she either works things out with you or she doesn't.

Communication, my friend, it is all about communication.  Like I'm any better? 

You are headed the right direction with your reboot.  Keep focusing on that.  Possibly even do hard mode.  Why not.  You are not in a relationship.  Hit two birds with one stone by giving this relationship time to breathe and helping your reboot a lot. 

If there is no future in your relationship with her, what is the use of the sex?  Do you really want to be the other guy?  Things to think about.

Rich

HumbleRich said:

There are a couple of red flags there, bud.  Every woman wants to be shown affection and coddled, but the response to not getting that is to bring it up to you, not to go looking elsewhere.  Hello!  She was engaged to you at the time!  Also, she doesn't seem to know what she wants at the moment, and the two of you sleeping with eachother won't help. 

Tell her that she needs to figure out what she wants.  Does she want to get back together with you and get back on the road to marriage, or to be with this other guy?

Tell her that her staying out late hurt your feelings.  I think that is a fair thing to tell her.  Not because she owes you anything, but because your relationship is up in the air.

Tell her that she either works things out with you or she doesn't.

Communication, my friend, it is all about communication.  Like I'm any better? 

You are headed the right direction with your reboot.  Keep focusing on that.  Possibly even do hard mode.  Why not.  You are not in a relationship.  Hit two birds with one stone by giving this relationship time to breathe and helping your reboot a lot. 

If there is no future in your relationship with her, what is the use of the sex?  Do you really want to be the other guy?  Things to think about.

Rich

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You are very correct on multiple counts. I just don't have the will to fight that battle right now. My sense is the direct approach will jeopardize my already unsteady footing.

Of course, if this was happening to a friend instead of me, I'd tell him, "Dude, she did you dirty. She's hurting you. She's stringing you along. After 5 years you deserve better. She's not treating you fairly."

I'd tell my friend all those things and I'd be right. I wish I could take my own advice, but right now the feelings of loss are high and I've managed to rationalize that I'd rather be with her than hold her accountable for her hurtful behavior. This will almost certainly end up backfiring.

It's just that I didn't even kiss a woman until I was 28. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 28 or 29. I know it's a terrible mindset, but I'm scared to go back to being alone completely (even though we are broken up right now). The sense of loss I get when I think about it being completely over is immense. And, I genuinely don't know how I'd go about trying to find another woman to be my life partner. I don't have a great skillset when it comes to interacting with the fairer sex.

My mindset on this is clearly terrible. I'll try to chip away at that.

For now, for what it's worth, I'm fully committed to the reboot. 4 clean days under my belt. Currently on day 5.

Checking in. 5 clean days under my belt. This is day 6.

Great work! Itll soon be a week, which is a fantastic acheivement!
Once you get further into your reboot and your brain gradually goes back to normal, youll find your confidence will increase too. There are some people who have reported that women look at them differently, this is probably due to the increase in confidence and mood - one of the many joys that the reboot process brings
Keep going forward!
Fappy

Checking in. 6 clean days under my belt. This is day 7.

I've decided I really have to make myself less available to my ex. She says she still loves me and that she'd prefer to end up with me, but her actions don't line up with that 100%. She's hanging out with this guy on her softball team a lot. On Monday night they spent 3 hours sitting in a car talking. Last night she spent 2 hours at his apartment hanging out.

Her behavior just doesn't match up with what she's telling me. I don't think she's consciously lying to me, but she's clearly ignorant to her desires and motivations, at least to some degree.

In the mean time, I'll keep busy and work on myself. I love her immensely and would hate to lose her... but, if she's only luke warm about me, that's not a promising future. I need to make myself a little more scarce and see if that compels her to different behavior.

Checking in. 7 clean days under my belt. This is day 8.

Talked to the ex this morning. Called her on the "mixed messages" she's been sending me. She says she wants to end up with me, but spends all this time with the softball guy. I put "mixed messages" in quotes because it's not really mixed to me. Her behavior is the message. She chooses to spend time with this softball guy so that means she prefers him, not me.

I laid all that out for her and she didn't refute it. We are pretty firmly over now. I'm going to cut down on our interaction a ton. I need space to heal. This blows, but at least it's not up in the air anymore.