Porn, I hate you for what you did to me

Hello guys and girls. Here is my story and my journal. I hope you find it interesting to read and I hope to get further support and tipps from you.

I am a 37 year old man from Germany. I got into contact with erotic material around 11 I guess and into internetporn shortly later. The beginning of my ?sexual? age correlated with the rise of faster internet-connections. You people around my age know the story.
I remember that I was very early into pretty extreme, hardcore stuff. I also remember how obsessed my ?sessions? were. When my parents were out of home I masturbated the whole night, always avoiding the orgasm and postponing it. I fapped for hours through the night, always stopping right before the orgasm. I remember that after such a session my genitals would be swollen and in pain for weeks. So, it is fair to say that early on in my life porn had a self-destructive effect on me.

Luckily I can say, that somehow I managed to also have my experiences in real life. I had girlfriends, I fell in love and I had amazing sex which I am very grateful for. It is like I had two lives, the real life and the life with the pixels on the screen. Today, at my age and with all the things that happened to me, I can say that the virtual world of course had a huge influence on my real life. Now that the fog is gone I am disgusted by my behavior.

The porn consumption got out of hand when I moved out of my parents home to study. With my own flat and a lot of time things got even more extreme (at this time, around 2006, streaming became possible). Additionally to my porn consumption, which I would have through the whole night two or three times a week and which would influence my studies in a negative way, also other behaviors occurred. At this time I was an alcoholic. I also started to hurt myself with a knife. The scars on my arm are embarrassing me today when I am on vacation (luckily only visible when I take my shirt off).

In the real world I guess nobody noticed that something was wrong with me. I had short term relationships, was creative with music and at university a normal guy. But today I can say that emotionally I was already on a spiral downwards.

When living abroad I fell in love with a girl from another country. After two years I had to move back to Germany and we realized, that the only way to be together would be a marriage. Although I was in crazy love with her, I pushed her away and told her I could not do that. Today I still suffer from this decision and I cannot understand why I did what I did, but my porn obsession had to do with it: I was constantly looking for more opportunities to have sex. I was emotionally cold (despite feeling love, yes that is possible). My view on life and relationships was nihilistic and negative. All I cared for was the next kick. Although the sex with this women was amazing, I thought, that I can?t be with just one. That I want to have as much sex with as many women I could. And I wanted porn. I wanted to be hedonist and decadent. Today I can?t believe what a zombie I must have been.

When I went back, my life totally collapsed. Living alone again my porn consumption got worse, so much that I was tired and unconcentrated at work. I met another girl but porn and GF soon was not enough so I would go back to an old habit: escorts. I was at the age of 31 and it was the worst time of my life.

After an incident with an escort I got myself checked for STD and got a positive diagnosis. I was at my parents when I heard the news (some mail was still send to my parents address and I was there for the birthday of my father). I totally broke down in front of my parents. I got on my knees and started to cry. I asked my father to talk to him alone and told him the whole story and that I was afraid that I might have given an STD to my GF. Of course I also had to tell my GF. She was so devastated. I will never forget the pain I caused here. Not only was she shocked that I did see escorts while being with her. She was of course also shocked about the potential harm to catch an STD from me.

The most crazy: while we both had to wait for new testing, I broke up with her to sleep with another women that I met and wanted to be with. Yes: I betrayed my GF with escorts (many), I told her that she might have catched an STD from me and while she was still staying with me and supporting me I told her after a few weeks, that I will throw our relationship away for the next women. This is what porn made of me. A cold, emotionless psycho.

Turn of events: After three month and extensive testing it came out, that I had no STD! It was a mistake at the laboratory. I was physically healthy. But the new relationship already broken.

I started to use dating sites for sexual meetings only. And then it happened. It was in 2012 or beginning of 2013. I had this girl over for dinner, ready to start my new life as a healthy and free single. Having a lot of crazy sex. And?.I could not get it up.
It happened over night really. And today I think it was a combination of the trauma I had due to the STD diagnosis and the fear to have given something to my GF and?.my many years of PMO.

The next years have been the darkest in my life. I never developed a full PIED. Could have erections, but my libido went from 100 to 2 Percent. For a guy which main purpose and goal in life was sex, this is a complete horror.

First I thought it?s a physical thing, due to my lifestyle, including alcohol, bad food and no sports. But I figured out soon, that I am physically healthy and the problem is in my brain and my psyche.

The weak performance and the lack of libido made another person of me. I would stop dating, stop going out, being occupied feeling sorry for myself only. Slowly sliding into a depression. I read about rebooting and nofap but over years never made a serious attempt. Until now.

Since two years I am in a new relationship. I moved together with the girl (first time in my life) and I am feeling good. But it is time to get rid of this poison and fully dedicate to my new life.

I hurt many people. Broke up good relationships. I lost the love of my life. Something I am, after 10 years, still suffering from. I brought myself into dangerous situations in the red light scene. I brought people that loved me into danger with the potential danger of STDs. I lost something that I once considered as very beautiful: my libido.

I want to hold on to my current life. I want to make her happy. And I want to fully function again. I feel very strong about my attempt to finally get rid of this deviant ?lifestyle? and concentrate on the more positive aspects of life. I had a lot of luck in my life. I should not test my faith too much.

I am on day 10, but it does not really matter cause I know that I will not PM again. It is over. Enough is enough.

I will post more thoughts and some questions that I have soon?

YO man, europe also here !!

Such a deep post and reading it was so important for me just now. Every story is different but i could really copy/paste some of your sentences and relate them in my life.
I used the word "zombie" aswell in my post and it's so important we realize it, that's really the first step. I realized it crystal clear just in the last weeks and we need to be motivated the stuff can change if we push and we really want it to change.

I'm so happy to read you living with your girl now and you look forward to be happy with her.
Trust me when i say thanks for sharing your story.

Thanks Mike. Nice to get a response! Where in Europe are you from?

I would like to add some things to my current situation and add some questions I have.

I am with my current GF since 2 years and living together since a little over one year. The beginning was tough, lots of fighting, but now its really really nice. Our sex life is so so. She has a pretty high libido, I feel it. And I feel also I can not fully give her what she wants. This is a totally new situation for me. Normally in my life I was the "alpha", the sex hungry maniac who wanted it seven times in a row. Now I can not even satisfy my own GF the way I want to. We have sex about 1 or 2 times a week. Many times I have to force myself because my libido is so low on many days. Thats depressing me.

[potential trigger!]

Another thing is, that I can only perform sex in one position: When I take her from behind. I think this has something to do with the wiring that porn did to me. It is more like masturbation then, I do not connect so much with the partner, do not look into her eyes. Its easier for me to get it up and we can have relatively fulfilling sex once it started. But I do not feel strong at all like I used to. And in generel...I have to force myself to even start. Thats horrible.

I know that not everything in our lives has to do with porn. I dont like this "all embracing" aspect of nofap, when ppl say its likle the cure for everything. I know, that the libido at the age of 37 is not the same as when you are 18. Thats normal. But still I think something with my libido is wrong beyond that, otherwise I would not be here. And without being a neuroscientist: I just feel how damaging the 20+ years of massive and excessive (!) PMO were to me. I believe in this theory. I dont believe it will solve all problems in life

Now my questions:

Why would anyone with a partner prefer doing the "hard mode"? What we want is healthy natural sex with our partner, right? How could have real sex then have a negative impact on our rewiring? Isnt it way more logical, that real sex will help you faster to recover and rewire? Of course it needs rules. Me for instance I want to force myself out of old habits. I want to take more care of giving pleasure to my partner and not being so egoistic. Not fantasising about stuff while performing but really being there with the partner and have sex from front. If you do that...I see no reason why this could be harming to you. Quite the contrary.

Now something more weird:

I remember my life when I had this explosive libido, that somehow made me a slave but I have to be honest: I also loved it. I am thinking now, if I get my natural libido back, my savety, my strong performance...I am already thinking of new sexual adventures. Like...being unfaithful to my current GF. Its a bit strange. Sometimes I think that my dead libido is a blessing because otherwise I would never have had this relationship. I was only able to commit myself to that and move together with somebody because I was feeling very weak. Now I am dreaming of feeling strong again and I am afraid what this will make of me.

It does help to not only think bad about what happens to you. I was probably saved by the changes and damages I got. If my libido would have continued like this I might have catched a serious STD one day. What happened is that something forced me to stop. And somehow I am even a bit grateful for that. So I am AFRAID of getting a strong libido back.

Can anyone understand these thoughts?

I do not know it is just my imagination. Because 10 days of no PMO is nothing compared to 25 years of abuse (how will I ever rewire?), but:

I feel so unconcentrated. I cant even do the most simple tasks at work. I finally get to understand what this "fog" is supposed to be.

I do not long for P at all, but I want my libido back! Its in my head but of cause nothing is responding to this desire. And with no artificial stimulation...no libido. I would not even m, I just want to feel libido. Thats going to be my new drug. Not the P, just plain pure and healthy libido. I hope it will ever come back to me. I have been without really strong libido since 2013.

But I had ups and downs. There were moments when I felt like the young version of me and I thought the nightmare is over. Just two month ago when we were on vacation I felt that way. I do not know WHY it came and I do not know WHY it went away.

This feeling not being able to control anything makes me crazy. I hope no PMO will work because without libido life sucks.

I need it.

Actually today is my day 10. Thought it was already longer. I feel no desire for artificial stimulation at all. No morning wood...maybe 20 percent. I have situations when I feel aroused by looking at girls a little more. I hold on to that but maybe its just my imagination. Get depressive mood shifts thinking about the years I wasted, the years with no or little sex life. Porn indeed is sex negative. Do not feel very well.

Hi Andy,
What a great story! Yours sounds very similar to mine... escpecially the part about only being able to get off in one position.
This is definately a result of the extent ot which porn has fucked up your brain. Its wired it to only become aroused when slamming her from behind. While this might be OK just for the purpose of getting off, and she may also like it from behind, it lacks a certian sense of intimacy - something vital to any healthy sex life.
Anyway, for both of your sakes, stick to the reboot and keep updating us!
[deleted bad joke]

Yo andy, italy here (probably you can get it from my bad english and for the weed stuff ahaha)

So happy to read your story again, you are so brave to share such a deep experience.
I'm in the 10th day aswell, and i start to experience too a bit of bad mood especially cause i'm fucking fucking broken about my ex girl leaving me...this is such a torture but it's the biggest source of strenght for me cause i'm sick of wasting the good people of my life, and maybe wasting my life in general.

Also me i feel way less stronger in sexual life so i get what you sayin man. Now i need to understand if is only porn related issue, only related for my broken heart or for all of these together.

(potential trigger)
For your "position stuff" --> it's always been like that also in the previous years ? i ask because when i was younger i managed to cum only when she was on top of me, and i don't think i could relate this to the porn stuff. Just a stimulation issue i think. Now i cum a bit too fast in any position instead -.-
Sure you don't need my stupid advices on this, but why don't you try to modify a bit this position ? i mean still take her from behind, but maybe try to change little stuff time to time...while she is in fron of you let her lay down on her belly, lift her leg, then classic doggy, this maybe can be a start to modify a bit this issue.

For your second question, that i totally feel.
I had these feelings for years, living myself like a porn movies always searching for new girls and new perversions to fullfill. I do a nice job that let me know new girls every day, and this is a big temptation. Totally honest my friend, my last girl was just perfect...best i ever met and i cheated on her just to touch a bigger pair of tits. Like in porn, swapping from the category of "skinny-no tits-nice ass" to "huge natural boobs". Biggest BIGGEST mistake of all my life.
I don't think i will never forgive my self for being such a shit, and the only thing i can i do is change and get to be a better person.
This to told you (again forgive me for stupid advices) that i really understood that one of the biggest step is to enjoy and being gratefull for what we got. I know this is the ABC of a good life, but i didn't managed it and i lose my only joy like this. I've been so blurry and unfocused to didn't let me help and didn't enjoy her love. I rejected her offer of living together, an offer that really could have save my life.
Focus on your journey, hug your girlfriend and give her the best orgasm of her life and when you will feel stronger i'm sure you won't get back on the old road. I really hope that when we will taste a happy life we will laugh at our old times all together.

Sorry for my english and maybe for saying "kid" stuff, but let's stay positive and strong my friend.
Thanks for your reply and hoping to hear you soon again !

Hi Mike,

what a great post! So you are at the same days like I am. We should stick together on this and keep us updated. I feel very sorry for you losing your ex. I can 100 percent understand what you are feeling. I have experienced something similar, as you could read, and I can not understand what must have going on with myself back then. Its like the porn is killing all your human emotions and brings you into zombie mode. And one day you wake up, realize you have a big problem and you get out of that "zone" and you think "what the fuck have I done?!?". How the fuck could I ever do that?

Its not only related to how you act on your loved ones but also other situations. Many things I have done and experience I was not writing here, because I feel not able to share. I have done some nasty and crazy shit that gives me goosebumps thinking about it now. Its just like..."wow, really?".

Is it really 100 percent over with her? Did you talk about your problem? Did you try everything? Depending how deep your relationship was, maybe there is a chance to get back to her. I would advise you to try, cause I still have sleepless nights after 9+ years of loosing her.

@ Fappy.
Thanks to your reply man. Yes I think so too. I can literally feel my brain being fucked up. I was not always stuck to one position. I was pretty strong and could do whatever position I like and could do it for very long and often (*sigh*). But when I think about it now: I am sure that over the years I got more egoistic and also dominant. I remember know that girls complained that I only took care about my needs, I lost sight for what she needs and in general pleasurable sex. This was probably the first stage of my problem. And then I remember I basically just did it from behind. And know thats the only thing I can do, because its not so intimate and more like masturbation. She likes it and the sex is ok, but its a bit strange, to every time do the excact same thing and when she tries something else, not be aroused at all


Update on my situation:

Its my day 13 on no PMO. I also had no orgasm I think in this time, did not have sex. My balls are starting to hurt. Despite that not much change. I have no morning wood (in years), but get some erection if I touch myself mildly. I have absoluetly no desire for porn or sex. Toughest is these depressive mood shifts. Yesterday I searched ex-girlfriends in facebook and saw them all married and with kids. Fuck...I can not imagine myself to be a father. I dont want to, but how will I end up...a lonely crumpy old man? My best friend is becoming also a father...everybody is shootig out babies like crazy. It somehow makes me feel bad.

Another thing is that I have some very bad fighting with my GF. She was complaining about me not touching/sleeping with her. While I was indeed having no desire at all I thought she had her days. So it was a bit of a misunderstanding, but the arguments got tougher and tougher. I also have to say I can be a pretty mean asshole when I am in a fight. So when she said I should go to a therapist, I went nuts. I told her to fucking leave if she needs more dick in her life.

I am angry because I told her she should not pressure me too much. And I think two times sex a week is not champions league, but its also no need to make a big drama. On the other hand...she knows nothing about this side or "yourbrainonporn" and all this shit. If I would tell her I would have to tell her I was jerking off to perverted stuff the whole time we are together...


All in all not so good days. I am thinking of what might happen if we break up. I have in general no problem being single, I always enjoyed that in a way. But being single with a dead dick is a complete H O R R O R.

On the other hand...she knows nothing about this side or "yourbrainonporn" and all this shit. If I would tell her I would have to tell her I was jerking off to perverted stuff the whole time we are together...

Click to expand...

If you find a nice way of telling her she could probably help you. Or am I completely wrong here?

Hello guys. Something very positive (for a little variety ))

Yesterday I had around of 15 days of nofap and noporn. I think that never in my life since 11 or 12 years I have been without an orgasm for two weeks, so it was really special. I have to say, that I could not take it anymore. On work I was unable to do the most simple tasks. And while not being really horny, my balls were hurting a lot and I had a weird feeling in my guts. I knew I had to have an orgasm.

I drove home and sat down with my gf. We had fights for the last few days, that were basically based on misunderstandings but also a bit of frustration on her side (she has a high libido at the moment). We had a really nice and calm talk and I opened up to her about rebooting. The topic was not so new to her as I have told her in the beginning, that I might have fucked my brain with my lifestyle, but it was not a big topic the last two years as we did not want this to be "a big issue", because we could have sex. As I mentioned earlier, my problem is more libido and missing arousal than erection.

She was very cool and we talked openly. She told me she also had a period of porn abuse and after some time had problems being aroused by any material. Interesting some girls experience the same stuff. We both are pretty reasonable people. We despise the rise of weird conspiracy theories and simply call bullshit when it is bullshit. But we both agreed that the theory of Gary Wilson and others about the desensitization of the brain due to years of high speed internet porn addiction sounds logic and reasonable.

We both agreed that porn is out of our lifes for good, cause it damaged both of us. After that we started cuddling and kissing.

As I said...no orgasm, no artificial stimulation for two weeks. Well...I dont want to go into the details, but yesterday I had the best sex since probably 5 years.

W O W

Maybe I am too optimistic at the moment, because two weeks is nothing against almost 25 years of abuse and unhealthy stimulation. Maybe it was just an temporarily up for me and the flatline is just about to come.

But maybe I am also lucky, because my whole life I had real life experiences, relationships and sex. So my brain might not be so damaged as I thought. That would be amazing.

I honestly think, that a partner by your side is helpful for the process. I can really not understand, why someone would go on hard mode while in a relationship. That is just unnatural. The only reason could be to avoid stress, but you have to talk to you partner. Get down the walls of silence, talk, dont be ashamed, take it easy.

My plan is very simple: Porn is out of my life. Even if my libido should rise more the coming month, its over. Like I say in my title, I hate that shit for being responsible for at least 3 years of depression, trauma and bad sex life.

Second: As long as I am in a relationship I will not masturbate. I want to fokus all my sexual energy on my partner. She deserves it and there is nothing (except maybe novelty some day) that I could wish for. We are sexually very compatible.


If one day I should be single, which I dont hope, I will masturbate once a week. Because I felt it what it means to have no orgasm in two weeks and honestly, that does not feel right. So I think nofap is a bit extreme and unnatural. At least for men. Porn and artificial material is the real danger. Of course also the death grip theory makes sense. But I am not talking about jerking off like that but just release what has to be released.

I am really happy cause I see that I might have been lucky and found the right way finally.

But because I am a negative creep I am already googling "potency and age" and get freaked out about what nature will do to me even though I might recover my brain...my body will be next. And then I think about the 3-4 wasted years of my best time, just because my brain was fucked by me...

You see I am a negative guy and I am obsessed with sex. Maybe that is also part of the problem, cause sooner or later I have to deal with the fact that I can not function like with 25 anymore. Thats depressing. To really feel and see decay, mortality. And that makes me want to have even more sex as long as I can. And that might be a danger for my relationship.

I am thinking too much.

Great news! It just goes to show that a like-minded and supportive partner can make all the difference.
your 15 day winning streak is also great! also the fact that you could have a sexy time with your partner is more evidence that you are winning!
this obsession with sex that you claim to have may be a withdrawal symoton, in which case it will soon pass with the rest of them.

this obsession with sex that you claim to have may be a withdrawal symoton, in which case it will soon pass with the rest of them.

that would be great...and I hope I dont do anything stupid until then...

Stay positive Andi, rewiring is possible!
And you are surely on your way.

Be honest with your girl and tell her what day you are on from time to time. Then you have us here and your girl to look after you.

Quit the shit!

How are things going with you Andi?

Hello Guys,

thanks a lot for your interest and support. I have experienced some mixed up stuff this weekend. Friday and Saturday I was a bit down because I felt no libido and told myself everything is so bad, but in the evening we had sex and it was great again and we were both very happy. I can feel how much it means to her and its a good feeling. I feel aroused again and can have sex even if I dont run around with a boner 24/7 anymore and have no morning wood. But I feel the effects of staying away from porn and m.

Sadly this morning I had something like a relapse. It started with me seeking contact with exes. With two of them I am texting. With one of them this morning I was writing sex stuff and this triggered me. I did not watch porn, I will never watch porn again, but I did something that you guys would call a "substitute". Browsing, escort pages, and calling them with my phone. Fantazising of going there and toching me a bit (no real masturbation or orgasam).

So I feel like I had a "part relapse". And I am pretty angry with me. I dont know why I cant just be happy with my libido, that works when it should work and concentrate on making my gf happy. God...why can we never be happy? I feel I have a destructive side. I dont wanna loose her. We are most of the time very happy and laugh a lot. But if my recovery continues like that...I will do something. I am sure.

I know what is right to do. Stay away from these thoughts and concnetrate 100 Percent on her and my healing process. I have had so much progress! For years I wanted nothing so much like what I seem to get back now: normal  libido and functianality. I gain back my passion for real people back. I had two times (Saturday and Wednesday) the best sex in 4 years. I should shut my spoiled mouth and be greatful for what I have.

Anyway. Happy I stayed away from porn and masturbation. The dopamin I was shooting in my brain by browsing escorts and fantazising about them.... I will get over this. Next time I will slap my face and wait until I see my girl in the evening. I wanna sleep with her as soon as possible to help my brain get back on the real track and forget the shit of this morning.

thank you all for the support and interest in my case.

Make sure you relax a bit. Smile and tell yourself you are a good person. It does no good to feel like you are a bad person.

One of the things one says to oneself during EFT (check it out if interested) is, "Even though I do this (terrible) things I love and respect myself as a person. When I first tried it I felt it was silly to say something like that. But the more I did, the more I allowed myself the freedom to think I might be OK.

I'm not saying this is the end all but it did help me for a bit, particularly when I felt I was the problem. Link is below.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_Freedom_Techniques

With me, depression and self worth were a big factor in having me use porn as an escape. Sure I longed for the feeling of getting myself off. Later I understood it as the dopamine rush that soothed my hurt. But, when I think better of myself, then this need to self medicate lessens.

Good luck to you and keep moving forward.

Peace

Hey bob,

that was pretty interesting and something different. I will check that link out. A little bit more self respect would not hurt indeed. And I agree on the relation that depression and porn have. I see it more clearly now. And I have to say that I already feel stronger and healthier than 3 years ago.

God...we will see the massive damage that is being done right now in the years to come. I am so happy to be here and that I made a decision. I am not sure if I will be a great person my whole life but "porn lifestyle"... that is over for good. Finally.

Masturbation relapse, this morning.

I feel so stupid. I was doing so good and felt so happy. What happened?

Basically the same that happened the day before. I did the mistake to take the handy to bed when my gf left in the morning. The evening before we had a fight again. Nothing really serious but I was somehow very angry. Cant explain why. In the morning, like always, one leads to another. Escort pages, calling and m.

Disgusting.

It was not even good. I had to work hard on getting aroused with all those perverted fantasies I so bad want to get rid of.

The only good thing is: still no porn. But this was definetly a big relapse. I thought it would not happen so easily. Its like your brain turns off.

I was planning to have as much sex with my gf as possible to rewire and become more normal again. But not sure if I can do that so soon.

Also I am fantasizing and writing to ex-girlfriends. I put myself under a lot of pressure. With no real need for it.

I feel weak, no libido, down. Fuck...dissapointed.

From now on I will try not to take my fucking smartphone to bed when I wake up. Its a great temptation and the most dangerous time. The rest of the day I am pretty much controlled by my surroundings.

I hope you guys are smarter than me and do better.

Beside the smartphone thing I should stop writing with the exes and stop this escort crap.

Important!