Porn stole over a decade of my life

This has always been a touchy subject for me.  A subject I felt I couldn't discuss with anybody for fear of being judged, or even shunned, given the circles I grew up in.

I started dabbling in porn when I was 16 (now 33), on my parent's computer.  I started searching for images once a week, then videos every couple days.  I made sure to delete the history so mom would never find out, but she did eventually.  She didn't know it was me, so when asked about it, I blamed my brother, got him in a lot of trouble, and felt terrible about it.

But I didn't stop.  Eventually I got my own computer and realized I could access all the pictures and videos of naked women that I wanted.  I felt free, and I felt I didn't have to hide anything or be careful anymore.  I had my own computer, my bedroom had a lock on it, I was set for life.  This went on for a long time.

Fast forward 5 years.  I was talking with this girl online for a while and we started getting serious.  We'd send each other pictures, some clothed, some not so clothed, and after 8 months of doing this, I decided it was time to fly out and see her.  So I book the flight and go.  I got to the airport, she picked me up, and we go to our hotel room.  She apparently couldn't wait very long, and before I knew it she was naked on the bed, telling me to join her.  So I did, I had a hard time getting it up, but when I finally did, it didn't last very long, and didn't come back for the rest of the trip, so we spent a rather awkward 4 days together.  So I went back home and got a phone call from her saying we were done.

So I grew resentful of women, and I grew angry with myself.  I even convinced myself that no woman would ever want me, no woman would ever love me.  And I felt the best way I could channel this resentment and anger was with porn.  After all, why would I go out looking for women if they were just a click away?  I carried this attitude with me for 12 years.  12 years of watching porn constantly, every day, sometimes twice, sometimes even three times a day.  It made me depressed, it made me angry, it made me irritable, and it made me more resentful.

I spent 12 years trying to tell myself it's a habit, rather than an addiction.  Something that I could give up any time I want.  But every time I tried, I'd make it 3, maybe 4 days before it came back with a vengeance.

I got tired of living this way, so about 3 months ago, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself, and go out, and try to have sex with a real person.  She started to undress me, started playing with me, kissing me, but nothing was happening.  At all.  Not even a wiggle.  She got fed up after a while, and told me to leave.  So I did what any reasonable, self-respecting guy would do, and left, went home, and went straight to porn.  I got hard instantly.  That was the moment I realized I needed to get this out of my life, forever.  I tried, and tried for about a month, to no avail.  It was then that I started thinking "I need to commit to this.  I need to do this."

I started reading and researching, and I came across sites like this, and they gave some useful advice which I decided to try and follow.  A lot of it worked.  I haven't watched porn in 2 months, and have never felt better.  Then last week I found myself looking at pictures of naked women, albeit in non-sexual poses, but that was enough.  I MOed, and felt depressed right after because I felt I was making such good progress, and felt that it was all wasted.

Then I came across this site. and started reading.  And reading.  And, when I got tired of reading, I read some more, and felt I had to make an account, even though I haven't been on a message board in years.  Now, instead of a life filled with porn and video games, and porn while playing video games (not easy, trust me), I have a life where I feel there's a way out of this trap.

I'll close this with a post I read on another board about a month ago:

If you can get an erection, you don't need porn.  If you can't get an erection, you definitely don't need porn.

A great introductory post; specifically for its candour, yet also for so accurately illustrating how one can so easily fall into pornography addiction.  Thank you for sharing.

Our experience is very similar, as part of the early-to-mid-thirties generation that start on pictures and gradually worked our way up to videos, before entering the realm of watching high-speed pornography.  I just turned 34, though started to watch pornography a little bit younger than you (13/14), yet your 'subject line' is one of the best I've read on these forums: porn stole over a decade of my life.  That's a very accurate, honest and deeply sad line - I think it rings true with many of us on here.

Reading your opening post, it feels as if you are on the right track Reading is the best way forward, as well as writing on these forums and sharing.  Congratulations on making 2-months previously - that's great.  I am a big believer that any streak of abstinence is a good one.  As a fellow forum user recently noted in my journal, the clock doesn't go back to '0', as every effort counts.  Welcome to the forum and good luck with the rest of your journey!  Cheers, CL.

Thanks.  It's going to be a long, tough road, but with determination, I will overcome.

I woke up this morning with almost overpowering urges to indulge.  I lay awake for almost an hour before getting up and going to my computer.  I had all the websites pre-loaded into my brain.

So I went to my computer, opened my internet... and came here instead.  I will not fall into that trap again.  I've been feeling a lot better since I initially stopped 2 months ago.  I had more energy, more confidence, and for the first time in years, I actually felt good about myself.  I've been thinking of getting back into dating, but that's going to be a challenge in and of itself, especially since I've been on exactly 3 dates in 12 years.  But, for now, I feel this is more important.

Thanks for your post Holy Cabbage of does sound like you are making progress and dedicated. You're sorry things true as I am a similar age and the freak reality of how much time and energy p stalls is frightening.

For me, and hopefully got too, it's about making this a necessity to recover.

Best. 

Well, I got an erection today, unbidden, without thinking about anything sexy.  Didn't last very long, though.  Not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.  Still no PMO.

I've been trying to avoid sexy thoughts, which is proving to be very difficult.

Went for a walk yesterday to try clear my head.  Instead I started thinking about all of this, and it made me angry.  Angry at myself, and angry at the industry.  Got home and found some pictures I had forgotten I had.  I deleted them immediately.

Woke up this morning with a craving for the first time in a while.  It wasn't easy to fight, but I managed.

Great that you defeated those urges this morning!  If being angry at yourself and the industry helps you to quit, then use it.  However, don't beat yourself up too much about the past.  It's what you are doing now which is the most important.  Writing on here, trying to quit porn, to better yourself, is a great and noble endeavour.  Keep it up and be happy with yourself Cheers and goodnight, CL.

I just wanted to thank everybody for their replies.

Today marks my 2 month anniversary of starting this fight, and 2 weeks of hardmode.  It's definitely not easy, but the reward is worth it.

I've done some comparing between how I am now, and how I was then, and can safely say that I'm more confident, less tired all the time, I'm less depressed, and have more energy.

I no longer drag myself out of bed in the morning and drag myself to work.

I've been noticing women a lot more.  I no longer feel the resentment I have in the past, and I think I may look to start dating soon.

It's always going to be a difficult fight. but porn no longer controls me.  I control porn.

These past couple days have been very difficult.  Had my wisdom teeth pulled out, so I'm forced to take time off work.  Can't do much.  It sucks.

I've grown to hate sitting in front of my computer.  I'd rather work than be at home.

I've been feeling quite depressed these past few days.  All I wanted to do was PMO and forget about life.  My brain's been trying to trick me, bombarding me with images and thoughts that I'd rather not have in my head.

Almost MOed a couple times.  Stopping myself was a difficult challenge.

I got morning wood for the first time in ages!  That was exciting for me.  Cravings and urges came and went.  I spent a lot of time on youtube watching videos by Gabe and Noah Church.  Very interesting and informative stuff.

People have noticed I've changed, as well.  Especially at work.  A lot more energy, and a lot more confidence.  I went to the grocery store yesterday and had women smile at me.  Before, I just ignored it.  This time I smiled back.

I've been eating better, too.  Teaching myself how to cook easy things that aren't terrible for a person.  Buying bananas or apples instead of a bag of chips.  Stuff like that.

But the biggest thing I've noticed, is I can look in the mirror without hating myself.  Without seeing myself as worthless and hopeless.  That hasn't happened in years.  Sure, depression will always be there, it never completely goes away, but with all these changes, it's fading away into the back of my brain.

I've felt no desire to play video games lately.  I don't know why.  Video games and porn have been the one constant in my life throughout my teenage years and my 20's.  Now I have no desire for either of those things.  I still play, but instead of playing from when I get home from work to when I go to bed, I play for maybe 45 minutes then lose interest.  I haven't even played any at all in the past 3 days.

There's still a lot of work to do, but as of now, I feel better than I've felt in over a decade.

Well, another week has gone by.  Found myself looking at sexy pictures the other day (no nudes, just swimsuits), but stopped myself before it progressed beyond that.  These past couple weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster.  One day I'd be happy, confident, and full of energy, the next it would all be gone.

My body's been wanting things.  Either porn or sex, I don't know.  All I know is I refused to indulge in either of those things.  I've spent a lot of time with my guitar this past week.  I find it helps a lot.  Been learning Fade to Black, by Metallica.  Mostly because it descxribes rather accurately how I felt when I was watching porn.

I started thinking of why I started porn in the first place.  There are a number of reasons, but I think the biggest one is loneliness.  I was never popular with the girls in high school.  I had maybe 2 friends that I hung out with, both guys, both related to me.  Then I graduated and found myself alone even more.  Strange, considering I have a rather large family.  Then I moved away, and it just kept getting worse from there.  I've had various online relationships.  Nothing ever came of them.  Just made things worse, really.  Did lots of cam stuff with those girls, which just added fuel to the fire.

Now I find myself at 33, no friends, completely alone in a city that I've been living in for the past 12 years.  I'm still lousy with women, and with people in general, so I have no idea why I'm actually doing this.  Even if I do get cured, my chances of getting laid are slim to none, unless I pay for it.  But, I'm going to keep going, one week at a time.  Who knows?  Maybe eventually a woman will come along who can tolerate being around me.

I'm trying to stay hopeful, but sometimes it's so difficult.  Sometimes I just want to find comfort in pixels on a screen.  But I know that will only make matters worse.

I'm glad I found this place.  I don't know who reads this, or who really cares, but it helps being able to put my thoughts out there.  My family's not exactly supportive when it comes to this kind of stuff, and I don't really have anybody to talk to.  I was thinking therapy, but that gets expensive.  Plus I find it easier to type things out than to say things out loud.

I did a lot of thinking while laying awake in bed last night.  I tend to do that a lot.  My thoughts drifted to a girl I used to know.  A girl I probably could have had, but never pursued in that way.  I don't know why.  We got along really well, had great chemistry, and she showed interest more than once.  But I never asked her out.  We worked together and went out for lunch on more than one occasion, but that's it.  Then she started dating some other guy.  I was insanely jealous but I said nothing.  I fell for her pretty hard, but said nothing.  Fast forward 3 years to last August.  Every year I text her happy birthday.  Last August she invited me to her birthday party for the first time ever.  So I went, hoping I could get her alone so I could talk to her.  It never happened.  She called me babe, but I don't think she meant anything by it.  I met her SO.  Super nice guy.  I met her kid that she had with him.  Being there made me realize a lot of things that I missed because I was too preoccupied.  Preoccupied with porn, preoccupied with thinking women want nothing to do with me.  I haven't talked to her since, despite her saying she'll keep in touch.

A few years before that there was another girl.  My sister's roommate.  We got along really well.  She told me she loved me once.  I had no idea how to respond.  People don't say that to me, ever.  So I didn't really say anything.  I bid her goodnight and went home.  She's married now, lives in Texas, and has twins.

That could have been me.  I spent years telling myself I didn't want to get married or have kids.  I spent years asking myself "Why go after real women if I could just watch porn instead?  It's much cheaper and no drama."  And so, I spent years avoiding real relationships.  Every relationship I've had was online, most of them with women I haven't met.  We'd do the phone thing, do the cam thing, exchange pictures, and I kept telling myself that was enough.

I don't really know why I typed all that.  I guess the point is porn broke my brain, and I want it back.

I'm about 5 weeks with no PMO.  I tend to play with my penis a lot.  It's never with the intent to MO, but when I'm online or something, one hand will always make its way down there.  So I decided to kill this habit as well.  It's difficult, but I've gone almost a week now with only touching when necessary.

I've been wanting to go out to where people are, but I don't know where to start.  I don't like bars, and I'm too old for clubs, but I'm tired of sitting here by myself all the time, with a cat as my only friend. 

This post was a little longer than I intended.  My thoughts tend to wander a lot.  I'm trying very hard to stay positive, despite my brain telling me I need porn.  I don't need porn.  I'm starting to want human contact more and more.

I spent a little bit of time on plenty of fish yesterday, despite people saying dating sites are not a good idea.  I didn't do it just to look at pictures.  I did it because online dating is what I know, so it's what I'm comfortable with.  There was no relapse.  In fact, there wasn't much of anything.  I spent more time reading profiles than looking at pictures.

Well, today marks my 5 week anniversary.  No P, no M, and no O.  I'm feeling better than I have over the past week.  Woke up this morning with a bit of a stiffy.  Nothing too significant.  No wet dreams either.

Oh well. 

I can get hard to touch alone, without fantasy or sexy thoughts sometimes, especially in the morning, but most of the time there's nothing.  I've been wanting to O, especially these past couple days.  It gets really bad on weekends when I'm not working, but I won't let myself, no matter how uncomfortable it gets.  I keep telling myself, the next time I O, I want it to be with a partner.  We'll see if it happens.

I was entertaining the thought of going to a massage parlor this weekend.  I know everybody here will say it's not a good idea, so I'm going to resist the temptation.  At least for now.  I'm finding this rather difficult to do on my own, but I'm determined to see it through.

5 weeks down, 8 to go.

Holycabage,

I've read your posts and relate to a lot of what you've written, despite being at different stages in life. A lot of what you have experienced is something which I too had experienced in the past.

Firstly, congrats on 5 weeks! I am up to 2.5 weeks (the longest I've been in a while) so if you keep ahead of me than well done (and keep going!). Trust me, I know how easy it is to have that one moment - sometimes expected, other times out of the blue - when you suddenly think screw it and go back on yourself. I have lived that way for years without exaggeration. Excuses crop in all the time. As does triggers, etc. For me, and probably like most people, it's simply the need to escape from reality. I don't want to go into the need for sexual release right now, but I am talking managing emotions.

It sounds like - and this is no criticism, but simply an observation - that perhaps you tell yourself a lot of 'what ifs'; without meaning to be frank, if life isn't working out that way you once hoped, do something about it. And having proven to yourself (and everyone reading your posts) that you can go 5 weeks without the need for porn, etc, suggests that you certainly can go another 5 weeks without it. And in the meantime, build yourself up starting with your thoughts.

For me this is crucial: Being careful about the thoughts you let into your head and quickly pushing away any thoughts that are critical or negative. Be kind to yourself. Focus on what you do like about yourself, because I bet there are plenty of good things about you. Once you do this, we can start to be aware of our emotions and start to carefully manage them. Again, I am talking from my own experience, but we are all human and I strongly believe that most people here share many things in common. Such as having allowed negative thoughts to impact us and create a story (specific to each individual). For me, I kept unknowingly told myself that I am not capable enough and this one message spiraled into multiple negative messages - hence my 'need' to keep reaching out for porn, which WAS my crutch until very recently.

Sorry this was quite long, only wanted to share some experiences having read several of your posts. Hope there's even one thing that can help you. As cliche as this is, do stay strong. For yourself. For your true self. 

Thank you for your reply.  I can relate very closely to your post, especially this paragraph:

32 said:

For me this is crucial: Being careful about the thoughts you let into your head and quickly pushing away any thoughts that are critical or negative. Be kind to yourself. Focus on what you do like about yourself, because I bet there are plenty of good things about you. Once you do this, we can start to be aware of our emotions and start to carefully manage them. Again, I am talking from my own experience, but we are all human and I strongly believe that most people here share many things in common. Such as having allowed negative thoughts to impact us and create a story (specific to each individual). For me, I kept unknowingly told myself that I am not capable enough and this one message spiraled into multiple negative messages - hence my 'need' to keep reaching out for porn, which WAS my crutch until very recently.

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I spent over half my life letting negative thoughts into my brain, letting them fester there to the point of near-suicide.  Not a day went by where I haven't felt useless.  So I did what you and many others here have done.  Reached out for porn, and, like you, that was my crutch.  Even after I stopped it took a while for me to start telling myself all those things weren't true.  Now I look in the mirror and see somebody that I don't hate.

I'm trying to be strong, and some days I can do it.  Other days I just want to break down.

But, all I can do is keep going.  I'm nearly half way to 90 days.  That's my main focus right now.

Again I totally relate to that and am going through a similar process. Today I feel scared, but hopefully. This is progress in itself. Speak soon

Well, the weekend is here again.  Weekends are hardest for me because I typically spend them by myself.  At work, I can focus on doing my job, but at home I don't have that luxury.  I've never been good at making friends or being around people.  The fact that I spent most of my life staring at a screen doesn't help.

As far as the urge to PMO goes, it has been absent for a while.  My brain still tells me it wouldn't hurt to peek, but I've had no problem telling it no.  Got morning wood a couple times this week, as well as a half-erection randomly in the shower.  That was a surprise, especially since I didn't touch myself and wasn't thinking of anything.  I've also noticed an increase in sensitivity down there, which is a pleasant surprise.

My mood's been generally pretty good.  There are some days where I feel confident enough to talk to women, and there are days when that confidence is gone.  I've never been great at it anyway.

Oh well.  I'm going to get breakfast and see where the day takes me.

Well, week 7 is almost upon me.  I count each week as a small victory.  Bouts of depression and irritability still hit me from time to time, but they're becoming easier to manage.  I've had absolutely no urge to PMO.

I got morning wood yesterday, and then again today.  This morning it went away and came back a couple times.  I can feel my libido returning, as well.  This morning it was back with a vengeance.  It really sucks laying there alone, desperately wanting to do something but knowing that if you do, it'll ruin everything.  I allowed a little bit of fantasy into my head, which didn't help matters any.  It wasn't porn-related, but had to do with a girl I once knew.  A missed opportunity because I was so wrapped up in porn and self-loathing.  She's married with kids now, and I can't help but think that could have been me.

I was tempted this morning to go to my favorite massage parlor, but a little part of my brain told me that probably wasn't the best idea.  This is a lot harder than it was when I first started, especially since my libido's returning.  I must stay vigilant.

Onward to week 8.

In a couple of days I'll be at 8 weeks without porn or masturbation.  I did, however, lose control of myself and indulged in some (paid) sex.  The bad news is it was paid sex.  The good news is, things seemed to be working as they should, although they were off to a rather slow start, but a rather quick finish.  I have, however, noticed no changes since that encounter.  I've been getting morning wood pretty consistently all week, although throughout the day there isn't much activity down there.

I no longer have any interest or desire to watch porn.  I find the whole concept silly.  Pictures don't interest me either.  I'd much rather see the waitress I had in person today, than a picture of some random porn star.  Plus, she smelled really nice.

I know I still have a long way to go, but the progress I'm seeing is well worth it.  When I started this thing, I wanted to set a goal:  Have an active sex life by the end of 2018.  It's not really a goal anymore, but now it doesn't seem out of my reach like it would have 2 short months ago.