AGSTX
Member
Hi all, I'm new and figured I'd start off with a post telling others about my PA. I'm in a long-term relationship and we're engaged, but my PA is ruining our romantic life and hurting her emotionally. I'd do anything to overcome my addiction and have a normal sex life with the person I love more than anything else in the world. I'm currently seeing a counselor, but that isn't really doing much, so here I am hoping I can get help from peers going through the same struggle.
I guess it goes back to a young age, starting in my early teens when I found porn and learned how to masturbate. In those days it was Playboy and Penthouse Forum, typical kind of stuff for a teenager to think was hardcore taboo pornography. When I turned 18 I started hitting the porn shops and learned what hardcore porn really was. I had three different rental accounts across town and I'd surf the rental tapes for as much as an hour trying to select something just right. You know how it goes, look at the cover until you see something hard enough to make you want to rent it, then keep looking for something else that might be even better. I'd return a tape and rent another just about every time. This went on for about 5 years until I had a fast enough internet connection to discover internet porn. That really opened up a whole new world and again reset my marker for what hardcore really was.
I was always awkward with others having clinical depression and anxiety since the age of 11. I never had a relationship during school years, I never could even talk to a female until I was 19, and that was someone I met over the internet. I lost my virginity at 19, but couldn't orgasm with my partner no matter what. In the 19 years since my first sexual encounter I've only had an orgasm without porn twice. Twice. Once after having sex for well over an hour and the other with the my fiance using a fake vagina on me. Until my fiance and I started being intimate and she allowed me to look at porn on my phone, that one time in 2011 during sex was the singular orgasm I have had with a partner even though I have had several sexual partners in that time. My fiance let me look at porn on my phone so that I could orgasm, but when she figured out that I couldn't finish without it, she realized I had a problem and it hurt her to think that she wasn't giving me the orgasm, it was the porn.
I really did something stupid and incredibly hurtful a few weeks ago. My counselor suggested I take some sexy photos of her and replace porn with those photos. Well, she reluctantly agreed. That same evening I asked her if I could look at the photos I took on my phone while we were being intimate. She agreed and I did just that, but I was still yearning for the visual stimulation of explicit porn, so I opened Twitter and searched for porn on there while going back and forth between her photos and the porn. I did this twice without her knowing and she thought that I was using her photos exclusively to get off, and I let her think that. She caught me the third time. She could see a moving video when I only took stills of her. She questioned me and I denied it, even asking her if she was "really that insecure." After about 10 minutes I came clean and she was devastated. I felt so ashamed, so selfish, so stupid.
This addiction to porn has nearly ended our relationship several times and I don't want to lose the love of my life. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I don't want her thinking she isn't attractive, that she's not enough for me. I just want a normal sex life free of a dependence on porn.
If you've read all of this, I thank you. I feel like I need to come clean to the whole world because it's always been such a deep, dark secret that I told nobody about until sharing this with my fiance.
I guess it goes back to a young age, starting in my early teens when I found porn and learned how to masturbate. In those days it was Playboy and Penthouse Forum, typical kind of stuff for a teenager to think was hardcore taboo pornography. When I turned 18 I started hitting the porn shops and learned what hardcore porn really was. I had three different rental accounts across town and I'd surf the rental tapes for as much as an hour trying to select something just right. You know how it goes, look at the cover until you see something hard enough to make you want to rent it, then keep looking for something else that might be even better. I'd return a tape and rent another just about every time. This went on for about 5 years until I had a fast enough internet connection to discover internet porn. That really opened up a whole new world and again reset my marker for what hardcore really was.
I was always awkward with others having clinical depression and anxiety since the age of 11. I never had a relationship during school years, I never could even talk to a female until I was 19, and that was someone I met over the internet. I lost my virginity at 19, but couldn't orgasm with my partner no matter what. In the 19 years since my first sexual encounter I've only had an orgasm without porn twice. Twice. Once after having sex for well over an hour and the other with the my fiance using a fake vagina on me. Until my fiance and I started being intimate and she allowed me to look at porn on my phone, that one time in 2011 during sex was the singular orgasm I have had with a partner even though I have had several sexual partners in that time. My fiance let me look at porn on my phone so that I could orgasm, but when she figured out that I couldn't finish without it, she realized I had a problem and it hurt her to think that she wasn't giving me the orgasm, it was the porn.
I really did something stupid and incredibly hurtful a few weeks ago. My counselor suggested I take some sexy photos of her and replace porn with those photos. Well, she reluctantly agreed. That same evening I asked her if I could look at the photos I took on my phone while we were being intimate. She agreed and I did just that, but I was still yearning for the visual stimulation of explicit porn, so I opened Twitter and searched for porn on there while going back and forth between her photos and the porn. I did this twice without her knowing and she thought that I was using her photos exclusively to get off, and I let her think that. She caught me the third time. She could see a moving video when I only took stills of her. She questioned me and I denied it, even asking her if she was "really that insecure." After about 10 minutes I came clean and she was devastated. I felt so ashamed, so selfish, so stupid.
This addiction to porn has nearly ended our relationship several times and I don't want to lose the love of my life. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I don't want her thinking she isn't attractive, that she's not enough for me. I just want a normal sex life free of a dependence on porn.
If you've read all of this, I thank you. I feel like I need to come clean to the whole world because it's always been such a deep, dark secret that I told nobody about until sharing this with my fiance.