humbled_eved
Member
Hi everyone! I'm 28 and I'm new to this site, but I am also a past member of the rebalanced site. You can find my "success story" here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=6895.msg108745#msg108745 . I am happy there is a new site with stricter and, IMO, more productive guidelines. Anyways, having been relieved from the severe pain I had experienced before I entered SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) and finding the wonderful site YBOP, I became increasingly complacent to the point where I once again fell into the "take-a-peek, feel guilty, 'repent,' repeat" phase. I once again tried to create my own program and got away from what had gotten me there. This continued for about 6 months before i finally ejaculated from just watching porn without touching myself. Then it has been a couple of months of "white-knuckling" followed by watching porn and masturbating a couple of times. I also went back to reading some incestual explicit erotica without ejaculating, but with very damaging mental and emotional results. In December I was also lured into a limo while black-out-drunk where the driver attempted to sexually assault me. This me a great deal of fear, brought up pat sexual traumas, and renewed my anxiety while attempting to engage in intercourse with my past SO. I have been going to therapy and have been in an on-going investigation to apprehend the individuals who did this. The result is my erection and confidence gradually decreased with anxiety, shame, low self-worth and self-doubt replacing them. Well it is all for the good, as I have decided to get back on the horse and re-commit myself to my SA program and the YBOP mentality, with my faith being the foundation to my day-to-day life. I will do my best to come on here and journal for my benefit (and anyone else who can perhaps get anything out of this)
11-Mar-2014
Today I have 15 days since I masturbated in my bed to a fantasy with a friend's sister that I am not really sexually attracted to. I have been working step 4 from my program. This means I am facing my fears, resentments, and past sexual experiences. This is scary, but I know it is helping me and will continue to help me for the rest of my life. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety for a while now. I forget how it feels to feel great and porn-free. A friend in my fellowship told me to how he can tell a big difference now from where I was before. He reflected something to me that I had told him when he first entered the program: "be like the New England Patriots. They never get too low when they lose and they never get too high when they win; they just stay even-keeled and do what needs to be done now."
Also, I am grateful for this new experience, because I know I'm exactly where I need to be. I know I'm definitely not starting from scratch, no matter how many times my addicted brain wants to tell me I am. I was lusting a lot yesterday as the build up in the morning has continued. I texted that girl that I fantasized about yesterday. We talked and she wants to meet up. I am scared, but more so I feel guilty. By looking at my past sexual experiences, I realized that I often engaged in sexual relationships that I am either not proud of or have had to keep a secret. This one now seems to be the same thing. Yet, my behaviors continue to show that knowing doesn't mean I'm going to act on what I know I should or shouldn't do. I feel bad sounding so negative, but I am just being honest and getting it out there.
I also feel like I entered a flat-line today. I knew it was coming and it had been going in that direction for a few days, but I was still resisting. Flat-lining is GOOD and part of the whole process, but I still didn't want to go through it. I feel anxious and my penis has that lifeless, cold feeling. After my 120 day reboot, I felt back to normal after only 40 days when I momentarily went "back out there." I am hopeful to my Higher Power that this one will be even shorter. Really, I should be taking it one day at a time and be happy and grateful for whatever comes my way. Also, today I was on IG and once again caught myself scrolling through the pics of a less than savory account. This is not conducive to my recovery, yet my hypofrontality keeps me taking me down that path. It usually tarts by "innocently" scrolling through my feed, until I see a triggering pic or comment. I then go through that person's profile which almost invariably leads to going farther in. Sometimes I look for a semi-provocative hashtag, which leads me to pictures with more explicit hashtags, which leads to over-stimulation, burn-out and guilt.
As I can see, my thoughts are all over the place. I know that all this too will improve as my brain is seeking equilibrium and my physiology is going through withdrawal symptoms I've already experienced and gotten through it in the past.
Here's to another day of sobriety. Thanks for letting me be honest and get everything out there.
Gratefully,
humbled_eved
11-Mar-2014
Today I have 15 days since I masturbated in my bed to a fantasy with a friend's sister that I am not really sexually attracted to. I have been working step 4 from my program. This means I am facing my fears, resentments, and past sexual experiences. This is scary, but I know it is helping me and will continue to help me for the rest of my life. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety for a while now. I forget how it feels to feel great and porn-free. A friend in my fellowship told me to how he can tell a big difference now from where I was before. He reflected something to me that I had told him when he first entered the program: "be like the New England Patriots. They never get too low when they lose and they never get too high when they win; they just stay even-keeled and do what needs to be done now."
Also, I am grateful for this new experience, because I know I'm exactly where I need to be. I know I'm definitely not starting from scratch, no matter how many times my addicted brain wants to tell me I am. I was lusting a lot yesterday as the build up in the morning has continued. I texted that girl that I fantasized about yesterday. We talked and she wants to meet up. I am scared, but more so I feel guilty. By looking at my past sexual experiences, I realized that I often engaged in sexual relationships that I am either not proud of or have had to keep a secret. This one now seems to be the same thing. Yet, my behaviors continue to show that knowing doesn't mean I'm going to act on what I know I should or shouldn't do. I feel bad sounding so negative, but I am just being honest and getting it out there.
I also feel like I entered a flat-line today. I knew it was coming and it had been going in that direction for a few days, but I was still resisting. Flat-lining is GOOD and part of the whole process, but I still didn't want to go through it. I feel anxious and my penis has that lifeless, cold feeling. After my 120 day reboot, I felt back to normal after only 40 days when I momentarily went "back out there." I am hopeful to my Higher Power that this one will be even shorter. Really, I should be taking it one day at a time and be happy and grateful for whatever comes my way. Also, today I was on IG and once again caught myself scrolling through the pics of a less than savory account. This is not conducive to my recovery, yet my hypofrontality keeps me taking me down that path. It usually tarts by "innocently" scrolling through my feed, until I see a triggering pic or comment. I then go through that person's profile which almost invariably leads to going farther in. Sometimes I look for a semi-provocative hashtag, which leads me to pictures with more explicit hashtags, which leads to over-stimulation, burn-out and guilt.
As I can see, my thoughts are all over the place. I know that all this too will improve as my brain is seeking equilibrium and my physiology is going through withdrawal symptoms I've already experienced and gotten through it in the past.
Here's to another day of sobriety. Thanks for letting me be honest and get everything out there.
Gratefully,
humbled_eved