Renovating my brain...

Day 0.  Caught using.  Third time.  Lucky I am not sleeping in my car.  She asks to talk and I can't talk, don't know what to say.  I am ashamed and feeling low and now can't sleep. 

My work is on a computer.  This will be hard.  Hard to be on a  computer, and hard when she sees me using it. 

Read a few other intros.  I see myself in them.  Started masturbating to anything in the non-digital days.  High speed internet just made it too easy.  Online gaming merged with porn to lead me into chat rooms and webcams. 

Today I hope to communicate with my wife more.  And to seek out professional help.  Going to talk to my doctor and also go through workplace employee assistance. 

Also renovating my home with the wife.  New floors.  This renovation of my mind after 33 years seems like a bigger job than these backbreaking hardwood floors. 

Reading here...and elsewhere makes me realize just how bad my compulsion is.  Spent the day trying to take care of my health various ways.  Visited my family doctor for direction.  He admitted he had never seen this and that medically they didn't view it as anything they could treat.  His solution was reverse the issue and have sex with my wife instead.  And then he prescribed viagra.  Had to keep after him to explain just how long and just how bad it was.  He referred me for psychotherapy.  At this point I am going to go with that too, I need to learn things about myself, and my wife wants to see me doing something rather than to just say I will stop. 

Researched a nearby psychologist who specialized in sexual addictions and compulsions and internet addition.  Booked for first session on Wed afternoon.  Came on here to write some because I am feeling super anxious and low...and I could feel the compulsion lurking too. 

Going to head to physio for some pain therapy now.  Trying not to think about it. 

Good luck with the session. Hope your person is good and understands sex/porn compulsion issues. If it doesn?t feel right looks k for someone else. I think that is really important. And I would make
Sure to do the following:

Read as much as you can about this I?m RN as well as YBOP.
Journal about it on you ?page? on RN
Write on others journals.

Your thoughts and ideas will help others.

Peace

Thanks Bob. 

I already bought a book too actually and managed a few chapters.  I am trying to keep offline as much as possible actually except for work and my news reading. 

Day two is easier so far since work has been super busy. 

Been thinking about raising the subject of no sex or no orgasms next.  Maybe I will wait after my therapy session though. 

Day 3.  So the subject of sex came up naturally last night when she started asking questions.  She was asking what I read on the forum, asking what I thought about joining a sex addiction group and more.  I used this opportunity to bring up the no orgasm idea.  She didn't understand it, she didn't understand the compulsion or even the sheer magnitude of the issue I felt.  We did discuss my previous relationships and if PA affected them too.  I feel it did really.  Especially now after reading and learning.  Then the discussion went to her asking me about the time we watched porn together and then had sex and if it excited me and more.  This made me uncomfortable and I had to tell her to stop this line of questioning and that I didn't want any porn and didn't want to even talk and think about it.  I think me shutting down this conversation hurt her a bit and she was upset shortly after.  I realize that I was unaffectionate right after the porn discussion because i didn't want to get into a situation where she wanted sex.  This made things in her head worse too. 

Have to work at home today.  Alone.  In order to go to my therapy and one other appointment.  Tomorrow I work from home too.  Home alone was porn time before.  I am planning to work a lot, and if i get distracted thoughts I am planning to do a few things.  1.  Bike ride.  2.  Communicate with my wife.  3.  Read my PA book.  4. Goto the gym. 

Gym has been neglected lately with all the work on the floors.  I really should force myself...and probably get her back into that too. 

A good place for you and she to start is markchamberlainphd.blogspot.com. It has a wealth of information for both the addict and the partner.  There is also a podcast at the top of the partner section here at Reboot that is excellent.  Also Mark Chamberlain's book Love You Hate the Porn is a valuable resource.  These will give her answers and help her.

Good for you for stopping PMO!

4th day.  Had my first therapy session yesterday.  It was good so far.  He asked questions that made me think he understood the issue already without me having to prompt or even give much information to lead him to those issues.  It was more of a discovery and me learning what his approach would be.  In fact I felt he was asking questions to determine if I actually had a porn addiction issue and to what extreme it was. 

I got to ask some questions at the end about things that I wondered about...read about...or even wanted to do myself but wasn't sure if that was the right approach. 

Should you go cold turkey or now.  He doesn't prescribe either way but wants the person to choose.  So I told him how I wanted to approach it which is cold turkey and removing almost all social media and computer use as I can, and that I wasn't going to abstain from normal sex with my wife. 

I asked him if there was a faster, slower, easier and more successful way to go about things.  His answer was a reasonable one that most addictions can be tackled multiple ways and the speed of which you get to a maintenance mode is directly proportional to the discomfort of the approach or even withdrawal symptoms.  I personally am more comfortable going cold turkey.

The wife was suggesting I go to an SAA meeting.  The therapist suggested to wait before going to one of those because I could be triggered by things that people talk about in those meetings if they are sharing relapses or failures.  He says they are definitely worthwhile later.  He had the same concerns about a forums such as this and just asked that I be careful of any online use for the time being and encouraged the journal effort here though. 

So here I am...another work from home day and it seems to be easier although I have kept myself VERY busy. 

Be strong man. I had a similar arc. Wife caught me. Begrudgingly went to therapy for a few sessions, but he wasn?t the right guy.
There?s differing opinions on no reboot, 30/60/90 days etc. we opted for the 30 day, but didn?t make it all the way, and we were cool with it. I feel like it was almost like punishing my wife for my addictions.
I gave up social media, because I?d perv out on it. And let her put covenant eyes (a monitored browser that she gets reports on) on my phone. I had a hard time filling my idle time, so I started learning Spanish and Italian on Duolingo.
Stay busy!
I?m here if you need

Ironic...I just installed Duolingo myself. That is one thing I am doing to use my time better.

For what it is worth, here are my two cents.

• Obtain from anything that gives an artificial dump of dopamine.
• Continue with the therapy. Sounds like this individual is a good fit.
• I agree to resist the SAA sessions, at least at this time. See how you do for a while.
• Keep talking with your wife. Be as honest as you can without "extra" details that provide imagery that is hard to forget.
• If you feel comfortable, introduce your wife to the partners section. This may help her learn what challenges you face with this process
• Make love to your wife to keep connecting with a real person.
• I would disagree with your therapist regarding this website. At least a first, RN helped me tremendously without acting as a trigger.
• Remember, this is not a linear process. There may/will be setbacks. Acknowledge what caused the event, learn from it, and move on; without shame. Shame is the enemy of the recovery process.

Good luck. We are all here for you.

Peace

Thanks Bob.  I was quiet there for awhile having gone completely offline.  Finished the master bedroom ceiling...floors...walk in closet floors...and the hallway too.  Will put up new baseboards and leave the painting of those to my wife.  (I hate painting) 

This week is going to be another busy week like that too.  Wife is changing jobs and is off starting Wed in between gigs.  So Wed to Fri I am going to try to work from home and help her finish the master bedroom so we can move back into it. 

It's the neverending flooring job I swear...will feel good to actually completely finish a room this week. 

The one big thing that happened this week is I got referred to a mens health doctor for low testosterone.  Results came back last week and my family Doc referred me.  So now I am waiting to see how that goes.  Obviously that could affect my libido and other things as well also. 

Right now I am well...done with working for the day...and the wife is studying for an exam.  So I am on my own.  I would play on the computer usually but I have been trying to stay off it lately like I said.  So now I am wondering what to do with myself.  Boredom...the enemy of the brain and idle hands make the devils work right? 

Of course I made a LIST of things I want to do...

Design my next bbq cooking table.
Do the brakes on my bike. 

And of course there is always work...but today is a holiday so that sort of shouldnt be encouraged right? 

Anyway thanks for the note and I will check in again soon.