Never Give Up (New Journal)

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Abe_13

Guest
This is my first post to this site.  I am a male in my late 40s, married with children.  I have used PMO for 35 years.  I first sought outside help about 20 years ago and have worked on and off to find a solution to my addiction since then.  I have learned a lot of tools and my use of PMO has decreased significantly, but I always seem to come back to it.  Long term sobriety is not something I have achieved,  Sometimes it can be weeks, sometimes many months, but the powerful need to use PMO always seems to be waiting in the back of my mind.  One scary thing is that when I slip, I tend to binge and feel awful.  I worry that one of these times I may not recover from a slip or a binge will do serious damage to me and my loved ones.  As many times as PMO has made me feel awful, my mind always seems to convince me that "his time will be different".

I think I am healthier than I was 20 years ago, I have more tools that I use, and age has taken some of the pure physical desire away.  But as I have found more tools, access to P has gotten so much easier and so integrated into my life (computers, smart phones, ipads, etc.)  The hardest tool for me to use has always been connecting with others about my problem, so I am moving toward connecting with a community by staring this journal.

My goal is to eliminate PMO from my life.  I am halfway through my life (if I am lucky) and I am tired of living under the dark, powerful control of this addiction.  I have a great life and have gained wisdom in many ways and yet I continue to make myself miserable with the false promises of PMO.  I want to have a healthy life structure and the abilities to cope with the ongoing call of  PMO.

My biggest sticking point is trying to do it alone.  When I have been honest about my problems and connected with other people are the times I have had the most successful sobriety.  I fight anxiety and depression, and continue to fall for the false promise that PMO will help, when it always eventually makes things worse.  My immediate sticking point, even as I write this, is that I am still not 100% committed to quitting.  I am afraid of the pain of withdrawal and fear I cannot survive or feel good without PMO (intellectually I know this is not the case, but this addiction is stronger than intellect).

There is more I could write, but I just want to post this before I change my mind.  Hopefully, I will continue checking in with my story and reading the comments and stories of others.
 
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Totte

Guest
Abe_13 said:
This is my first post to this site.  I am a male in my late 40s, married with children.  I have used PMO for 35 years.  I first sought outside help about 20 years ago and have worked on and off to find a solution to my addiction since then.  I have learned a lot of tools and my use of PMO has decreased significantly, but I always seem to come back to it.  Long term sobriety is not something I have achieved,  Sometimes it can be weeks, sometimes many months, but the powerful need to use PMO always seems to be waiting in the back of my mind.  One scary thing is that when I slip, I tend to binge and feel awful.  I worry that one of these times I may not recover from a slip or a binge will do serious damage to me and my loved ones.  As many times as PMO has made me feel awful, my mind always seems to convince me that "his time will be different".

I think I am healthier than I was 20 years ago, I have more tools that I use, and age has taken some of the pure physical desire away.  But as I have found more tools, access to P has gotten so much easier and so integrated into my life (computers, smart phones, ipads, etc.)  The hardest tool for me to use has always been connecting with others about my problem, so I am moving toward connecting with a community by staring this journal.

My goal is to eliminate PMO from my life.  I am halfway through my life (if I am lucky) and I am tired of living under the dark, powerful control of this addiction.  I have a great life and have gained wisdom in many ways and yet I continue to make myself miserable with the false promises of PMO.  I want to have a healthy life structure and the abilities to cope with the ongoing call of  PMO.

My biggest sticking point is trying to do it alone.  When I have been honest about my problems and connected with other people are the times I have had the most successful sobriety.  I fight anxiety and depression, and continue to fall for the false promise that PMO will help, when it always eventually makes things worse.  My immediate sticking point, even as I write this, is that I am still not 100% committed to quitting.  I am afraid of the pain of withdrawal and fear I cannot survive or feel good without PMO (intellectually I know this is not the case, but this addiction is stronger than intellect).

There is more I could write, but I just want to post this before I change my mind.  Hopefully, I will continue checking in with my story and reading the comments and stories of others.
Click to expand...

Hello !
Welcome to the site and to taking a firm hand on making a change.
Thank you for sharing your story!

T
 
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sheep22

Member
Your story sounds like mine to a point. I have had a pretty good life for the most part, but have always had this cloud of porn over me. I think of how life could have been so much better if not for porn. I know I can't go back but working on going forward. Started Halloween 2017 to cut out porn and have reduced it way down, will continue to fight it to where I will shut it out completely. When you fall down 7 times you get up 8 times. One more quote" A war is won on many battles, some you lose but the last one you win.
 
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Abe_13

Guest
Thank you for the replies to my initial posting.  The acknowledgement and feed back is really appreciated.  Reaching out (even in an anonymous forum) has always been hard for me.  I think the belief that I can do this all myself is a big part of what has kept porn in my life this long.

I am trying to commit to some sort of exercise every day.  I even never found a perfect cure, but generally when I exercise I am less likely to act out with PMO (and when I act out I am less likely to exercise).  I am trying to focus on positive actions I can take, not just on not acting out.  I have exercised 4 days in a row so far.

I am holding off on picking a date to start a streak of sobriety from PMO.  Partly because of a fear of a public commitment (and the possibility of public failure).  Also because I have found when I slip after a streak, I tend binge convincing myself that it is ok since the streak is over, and I can begin in the future.
 
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Abe_13

Guest
Day 5.  My next important step is to install blockers on my phone and on my home internet router.  This would help a lot as it creates a buffer from instantly accessing P.  I keep finding excuses not to do it.  I seems like I am always leaving a backdoor open to act out.

Job stress will be a trigger this week, as I am having some difficult conversations at work, and will probably have some conflict.

I have been exercising regularly which helps.  I am very grateful it is spring which makes it so much nicer and easier to get outside.
 
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Totte

Guest
Abe_13 said:
Day 5.  My next important step is to install blockers on my phone and on my home internet router.  This would help a lot as it creates a buffer from instantly accessing P.  I keep finding excuses not to do it.  I seems like I am always leaving a backdoor open to act out.

Job stress will be a trigger this week, as I am having some difficult conversations at work, and will probably have some conflict.

I have been exercising regularly which helps.  I am very grateful it is spring which makes it so much nicer and easier to get outside.
Click to expand...

Tell me more about blockers!
Where do I find them
 
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atpeace

Member
Hi Abe

Thanks for writing your journal, it helps me a lot to read them. It sounds like you are making progress. We have been living with this addiction for so long it will take some time to get over it. I'm glad you mentioned exercise, that sounds good. Also, you mentioned blockers for your computer. I have used that before, but I always just uninstall them in the end but, they may be a great tool for you. I find I have to catch myself and not let the feeling that leads to PMO take over. So it a blocker gives you that extra moment to catch yourself, to feel the urge without acting on it and then letting it pass, I would install them for sure!

I have not used anything on a router, however I have installed a host file on the computer to block URL's. It will block stuff like advertising and social media but has a decent list of porn sites. I can tell you from experience, it is not comprehensive but it could be a good start

https://github.com/StevenBlack/hosts

It is a little on the technical side, so if you are good with computers I would try it. You can also add your own sites you want to block. I would go with one of the commercial products if you are not technical.

wishing you the best
atpeace
 
DavS

DavS

Active Member
  Try the reboot. So what if you don't succeed at first, has anyone ever? You might have some clean days to be proud of. I'm on day four and have no libido right now, but the "flatline" is part of the healing process, and right now it's almost a relief to not be pushed by the sex drive.
  Never give up!
 
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Abe_13

Guest
Day 9 of reboot.  I feel some anxiety about posting here, but my experience tells me that is a positive thing.  Often when I find something that really helps me combat PMO addiction, the addictive part of my brain finds a way to undermine it.  I am taking a positive action every day to direct combat the addiction.  I like the Porn Free Radio podcast, but I have to be careful to actually take some action after listening to it, instead of just passively listening and thinking I will be cured.  I am journaling on some questions regarding my PMO history and triggers.  I see a counselor once a week, mostly dealing with issues of anxiety and depression (I know PMO makes my anxiety and depression worse).  And I am trying to read the posts and write some posts here.

Thanks for the replies to my last post, especially regarding blockers.  With an iPhone I use a combination of things.  There is restricted mode in safari, but it doesn't always do a good job with google image search.  So I add an extra blocker.  Many can be found on the App store.  I am currently using  Block.  Then there are specific sites that need to be blocked.  For me, youtube is always dangerous.  Then finally installing new apps has to be prevented or at least ones 17+ so additional web browsers cannot be installed.  This has mostly worked when I have done it in the past.  The blockers are aggravating because they will block extra PMO content and it makes the phone less entertaining to use (even for non-PMO), but the option of carrying instant porn access at all times via my phone has never worked for me.  The hardest part is that someone has to put in a restriction password that I do not know.  For me this means reaching out about my PMO addiction and being vulnerable.  It also means giving up control.  Neither are easy.

For my home wireless internet I am looking at solutions.  OpenDNS is pretty good, but I found ways around it in the past.  Once I commit to some sort of solution, I will try to post it here.
 
DavS

DavS

Active Member
Sorry I wasn't reading everything. Anyone know if it's possible to edit past posts?
 
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Abe_13

Guest
Today is day 29 for me.  If I can make it one more day i can reach the milestone of 30 days.  I have had some edging.  Feeling a bit depressed and then I tend to lay in bed and surf the web on my phone.  It is so easy to go down the wrong rabbit hole of links.  The positive is that these are all things I know I can work on.  Getting outside more in the warmer weather makes me feel less depressed and more energized so less likely to lie in bed.  I am still working on putting better restrictions on my phone.  I know what to do, but a strong part of me is afraid to close that access.

Work is a trigger (and has for a long time).  Its mostly a trigger because it makes me feel tired and anxious and unhappy and I want to use porn to escape those feelings.  But even when I have a work success, I have the thought that I must be doing well, so this is a good time to celebrate with porn.

Finding healthy ways to deal.  As I mentioned getting outside and getting some exercise helps.  Also trying not to isolate and stay around healthy people.  And of course occasionally posting here.  My posts have been infrequent, but I think it just takes time for me to trust and to acquire a new habit.  If I force something too hard, sometimes there is a push back to act out.

I am grateful for a beautiful late spring day today.  Sunny and mild all day with a family and a great dog to share it with.
 
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