My journal. I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.

Hello,

I'm P.  I am 42 years old and married with 3 beautiful children.

It is Saturday the 3rd March and I am sat at my parent?s house.

On Monday 19th February my world collapsed when I was on my way home from work and I had a call from my wife.  ?The police are here.  I?m scared.  What?s going on??

I knew what was going on.  My sex and porn addiction had gone too far and now the real world was going to find out about it.
My computers, hard drive, usb drives and mobile phone were seized. 

I was arrested for possessing illegal pornography, cautioned and interviewed at the police station.  I spent time in a police cell, trying to avoid descending into a panic attack.

The duty solicitor arrived and explained the situation to me.  On his advice I answered ?No comment? to all of the questions asked.  I was released under investigation and went home.  That was the last time I was home, other than for an hour during the day a couple of days later to collect some things.  My wife was devastated and appalled at what I had done and told me to leave.

Night #1 was too late to get a hotel and I slept in the car near my place of work.  That Tuesday was a blur, but I managed to book a hotel for the following 3 nights so I had somewhere to stay.  I had an email from my Sister late that night.  My wife had called her to say what had happened; she felt she had no one else to turn to.  She didn?t ? and still hasn?t ? told anyone from her family or friends.  My Sister said that I am her brother and that she loves me and would not abandon me. 

Last Saturday I travelled to my parent?s town. My Sister helped me go to them, tell them what I had done.  I could not look at anyone at all. I was so ashamed; I begged them no to abandon my wife and children and to help them all they could.  They said they loved me and would not abandon anyone.

I have spoken to a charity dedicated to stopping the illegality I committed. They have started me on a journey at really looking at myself; understanding the influences that caused me to do what I did.  Since speaking to them for a 2nd time I have started to think about the addictions and behaviours that I have had, probably since I was about 13 or 14 years old.

It has always been compulsive; page 3 cut-outs, soft magazines, hard magazines, vhs videos, taking photos of myself, looking at males as well as females, starting to cross dress, personal sex advert magazines.  The beginning of the internet didn?t help as I suddenly had access to more material than I ever could imagine from magazines.  Always seeking new sites, ways to bulk download, ways to start talking with other people, seeking the interaction through meeting other guys for sex, buying used underwear, buying bespoke porn pics and videos from those willing to do them, cross dressing, buying sex toys for masturbation, on to using escorts and finally, shamefully, crossing a line and looking at illegal things.

I am now not at the family home.  I am staying with parents and lodging at B&Bs.  I have crushed my wife, she hates me for what I have done.  She is now struggling with our 15 year old son and 14 month old twin girls.  She goes to work early and it was my job to look after them in the morning until school & nursery.  There is no one to help at the moment.

I feel sick.  Last week I seriously considered suicide.  It was horrible.  My brain would not stop.  I was thinking exactly how I would do it, how I would get financial affairs in order first, where I would do it, the letters I would write to my beautiful wife and children and what photographs of them I would surround myself with.

This low is horrible.  I am lucky; my Sister and parents have not abandoned me and my wife is still responding to emails and texts, even though they tell me of how she hates me, is betrayed, cannot cope and is terrified that Children?s Services will take away the children.

All of this has come about because I have never been able to say that I am addicted to porn and sex.  At the moment I have gone 12 days without looking at pornography.  I returned to some sites purely to delete my accounts and rid myself of that temptation.  I have contacted Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous; they have all invited me to meetings which I will go to.  I want to get rid of this evil shroud that coated me.  I want to see my children and to rebuild trust from my wife, parents and Sister.

I am ashamed, unhappy and scared.  I hope there is a future where I am able to deal with my addictions, help others before it is too late for them and one day, look my wife in the eyes again.  I love her so much.

P: You are obviously going through a major crisis, and I would advise your seeking professional help as you heal yourself and your relationships.  Love has the power to heal all things.  Don't forget to be compassionate to yourself; love starts there.

This sounds like a very difficult place to be. Nothing gets this bad overnight, just like nothing magically improves overnight either. Take it one day at a time. Hopefully you have hit your lowest low, so it's only uphill from here! There is always hope. Considering the severity of the situation I would encourage you, your wife, and your 15 yr old son to seek counseling and someone safe they can talk to and process with. This will be a long fight but it can be won. Your wife has complete reason to be upset but she is still talking and that is huge. Keep communicating. Read everything, there a ton of amazing books on porn and sex addiction. If you like I can message you a list. Also you should consider telling her wife about this site and the partners forum. It could be a place where she is able to seek support and know that she isn't alone. I am a partner, my husband hid his addiction to porn from me for over a decade. The ladies here have been a place where I can be honest, and know that I am not alone. That is so huge as she probably feels so overwhelmed and is scared. If there is ever anything I can do for you or your wife please feel free to reach out. I am so sorry to hear about all of this. Praying for you and your family!

Today is 14 days since I hit very bottom.  My brain decided to reward me by trying to throw fantasy images and scenarios at me.  It really shocked me; I was on a work telephone call, no triggers, nothing sexual happened, no attractive people had walked past, it just happened.  I was very shocked by this.  Having read some of the things e.g. on yourbrainonporn.com I was able to recognise that it wanted a dopamine hit but I refused to let the images into my thoughts.  I am happy about it but realise that this is going to be a very difficult and long road.

Children's services have also contacted me today and I am due to meet them tomorrow.  I hope it goes well.  I picked up a book ordered online - "The Porn Trap".  I'm only a couple of pages into it but the talk of 'shame', 'secrecy' and 'isolation' all ring true. 

My wife has not told our son about everything.  All he knows is that Dad's computers were hacked and I'm helping the police.  Has anyone any experience of telling older children about what's really happening?  My son is 15 and a half.

We had talked a little to our son but he is younger (10). I don't have experience with kids that are older but I think you should talk to your wife first to be sure you guys are on the same page. Also I would say maybe donn't give all the details and examples but be honest. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for. He probably knows more than you realize so I would shy away from trying to make it sound too elementary or talking down. I can't imagine how hard this must be. It is a heartbreaking situation. Praying for grace and peace for you and your family! Good job keeping on the reboot. Keep it up.

Day 16.  My first visit to SAA.  I think it is true that as soon as you can talk about this addiction, it loses it's grip.  That's not to say I will ever be cured; I will have to talk about it for a long long time, but every time you break through the silence, the shame, the isolation, you kill a little tiny bit the addiction's hold.
Truthfully, as others spoke, I wavered between hope, to terror and back again.  I have my motivation for getting through all of this, but I hope that motivation will remain a shining beacon for me to aim to.
I am missing my wife and children so much.  I am in a rented spare room.  All I have of them are a few photos I was able to pick up when I collected some clothes a couple of weeks ago.

Just wanted to check in with you. Hoping that life is moving in a positive direction. Praying for you and your family.

Your story is upsetting, I?m sad for you and your family. It?s toigh for your wife to go through this alone, I think you and her should seek professional counseling.  As much as she is hurt and mad at you there is still a part of her that loves you and in time I?m sure she will come back to you. Take things 1 day at a time.

I disagree the previous poster that you should be nursing any dreams of getting the family back together. If I am reading your words correctly, the material you were viewing is very serious, there is really only 1 or 2 types of material that results in police seizing computers or child services interviewing your family. It's a very serious situation you are in. The best thing you can do is focus on what led you down this path and to work on figuring yourself out. You may not be, by nature, that sort of person who is genuinely interested in the stuff you viewed. Porn is an escalation of material in the never-ending quest to feel aroused. You need to work out what was escalation, and what is innate within you. Only working with an experienced therapist can help you unravel this mess. Make sure you choose somebody who is very much across the issues of porn addiction and the thing we are trying not to mention in this thread.

I sincerely wish you luck in sorting yourself out. Your world must be in total chaos right now. You can claim some of your life back, but the healing and learning must now begin in earnest. The legal process will take its course but there's a lot you can do to show the court that you are remorseful and that you have insight into your behaviour. This isn't a normal case of doing a reboot, it's beyond that. This is emergency level "get yourself into therapy" territory. So get cracking! And good luck. Keeping coming back here for support. What you are going through is very socially isolating and you are going to need support to keep yourself out of harm's way.  Feel free to PM me if you need any support that can't be discussed in the open forum. I will be there for you while you sort out this mess.

Best wishes, M.

I agree with Malando.

This is a VERY serious situation you are in and you need professional help. Please get there ASAP. Not only does that show that you are serious about coming out of this pit, it might also help you save some face if you get into legal trouble and can also be helpful in making amends to your family.

You CAN overcome this though. I think you are already remorseful and probably realize that it's not in your true character to delve into this troubling stuff. However, recovery has to start on all fronts not just with your sole effort. So please seek help.

Thank you for your posts, I appreciate them. 

It is difficult dragging along at rock bottom.  My wife is horrified at what I did and the situation we are in; that I have put us in.

I have started to see a therapist.  She is good and I am very comfortable with her.  She is a specialist in sexual psychotherapy and of the topic that we're rightly not specifically mentioning.

I have told her things about myself that no one else has ever known.  That I have harboured for 30+ years.  Not illegal, just sexual thoughts; and it feels such a weight off my soul.

The legal system will take it's course.  In the mean time I am trying to focus on one day at a time.  some moments are good and more moments are bad, but to get to the end of each day not harbouring any fresh lies or fresh bouts of self loathing feels very nice, even if that serenity goes after a few moments and the depression returns.

As well as the therapist I have got in with Sex Addicts Anonymous who are good.  Also some self help from a particular foundation is good too.

My brain is really trying every trick it can.  It is flashing me with images and memories, it is trying to get me to letch anyone I walk past, it is trying to get my fingers over the mouse and onto the 'private browsing' browser.  When that's failing, it is taking me to the places that the porn and sex escalations were coping mechanisms for.  As I read more and more, I think I had the addictions or sexual compulsions for years and years, and my brain loved it when along came some very difficult things that I just didn't cope with at all.

Hell of a horrible mixture.

I took a call this afternoon from a SAA fellow.  It feels good to talk with someone who gets it.

I am worried for my wife though.  I don't know if she has reached out for any support.  I have mailed her some web sites, but she doesn't want to know what I have to say.  She is speaking to my parents and my Sister though, and she has said to them that she knows he needs to get some support, so that is the first step.  I hate that I have let her down so badly.  I hate that I gave myself loads of excuses and lied to myself that what I did wasn't really all that bad.

Thank you for letting me ramble on.  I'm trying not to make this all about me; for the sake of my family it is most definitely not just about me, but if I can ramble on about it, then I am not isolated, and this addiction of selfishness can go and do one.

P.

pdw123
this is all about you.
Until you sort out yourself, redirecting you attention elsewhere ( even towards your wife) is distraction.

Focus 100% on sorting yourself out
Do everything in your power to correct and improve yourself
at this moment they do not need your help
what everyone wants is for you to change, improve and get better

Show them you can by making the difficult choices
Show them you are diligent by announcing your actions and results
The only way to win their respect back is if you respect yourself first
and self respect is all about doing the hard and difficult stuff because they need to be done

So get to it
go for theraphy
write journals
volunteer at charity centers
help out everywhere you can
make positive action
repent

I know a guy who went through something like this quite a while ago.  I think the cops came and got his computer but I?m not sure.  For some reason he wasn?t prosecuted.  But he did lose his wife and kids, his job, and pretty much all his female friends. His male friends didn?t give a shit.
16 years later, about, he got a new wife and job, but never got back with his kids.  I met them once.  No loss in my opinion. 
Oh wait, he got caught surfing it at work. That?s why he lost his job.  But he?s a pretty happy guy now.

Well I am glad to hear that you are still at it. Sounds like you have hit bottom and started the first step to recovery. You are owning and taking responsibility of your actions and willing to accept their consequences. It all starts there, that is huge. Take each day as an opportunity to climb up! You don't know what tomorrow holds but today you can be a better man than yesterday! This road to recovery is a marathon not a sprint! Stay connected to a group, continue therapy and digging into your root causes, keep coming here and receive encouragement. You have no clue what the next 20 years holds. Focus on today. Work on being the person you want to be, the person your kids would be proud of. The past is the past. Learn from it, grow from it, but you can choose today if past experiences and behaviors will define your tomorrow. Yes there are consequences but you can be better and it sounds like you are wanting and ready to!
I will be praying for you, for your wife, and your family no matte the outcome! Pray that peace come and that each of you that are hurting receive love and comfort!

Feeling very nauseous.

Since my wife asked me a first direct question a few days ago about 'Had I done...", we had avoided me answering.  Me because I didn't know how to and her probably fearful for the answers.

It has come to a point now; she calmly said that she was going to send me a mail with a number of questions and wanted the answers to know what she was dealing with.

My entire being is urging me to lie, to cover it up, to try and save my marriage.

I'm not nauseous because of that, I'm nauseous because I have answered all of the questions honestly.  I've not sent it yet, I think there is more I need to say.  I was horrible.  I betrayed and lied and hurt this woman who did nothing but love me.

Straight from your computer to her email to her lawyers email.  Do not press send. You are in a different world now. Everything you write will go into your file somewhere and be used against you. 

Ok.  A slightly calmer day.

Good Friday bank holiday so I was able to turn the alarm off last night and have a lay in.  The same and usual morning 'heavy feeling', which I suppose I will have to get used to while all this is so raw.

Did a bit of tidying up and vacuuming which kept me busy.  A bit of shopping, got my Son a punch bag so he can hit and kick out his low feelings.  I hate I let him down so much but I am determined to show him that it is important to take responsibility for stupid decisions.

Bless the culture of free-refills.  Went to a Wetherspoons (bleurgh) and Ikea to while away a few hours for the price of a cuppa.  Free wifi and free refills.  I suppose they didn't really cater for me 
No response from my wife today having sent her answers to her questions yesterday.  I'm going to try not to read anything into that either way.

My brain is still trying to get me to relapse.  It's tried a load of visions and a load of memories.  Pleased with my reaction to seeing several attractive people when I was out today.  Only 6 weeks ago I would have been turning round, checking them out, leching, fantasising, taking photos on my phone.  It's all will power on the wave of shock and trauma, but I'm managing it.  I think that if I can last until I start getting tools and techniques from my therapist and through the 12 steps of SAA I might just do it.

I've bought my Son the punch bag as an Easter gift and the girls an easter cuddly toy each.  I've asked my wife if I can come and give them personally rather than just leave them at the house when they are out.  As I said, nothing yet though.

Did my first phone call to a SAA fellow today.  I've taken some calls before but never made one.  Thank you Paul, it helped.

My Sister has been asking more specific questions about the things I was arrested for.  I know she needs to ask for her, but it actually helps focus my mind too.  I think I need to make sure I don't just try and pretend it never happened.  I have talked all through it with my therapist; she is great.  It's tempting to just tell every bit of everything to everyone, but that's just too much.  People don't need to know what's in my head - just me and my therapist.

I told my solicitor what I have done; what I can remember doing.  Best I will get is a suspended sentence.  My head is already trying to think of what I say to my Son, how I can prepare him for the worst.  I'm amazed and happy at how much I have thought of him and how much I love him.  I hope I get to see him soon and hug him.

Made it through another day and off to bed shortly.

Thank you all for letting me yak, it helps.

You are doing great. Hang in there and hopefully you get to see your kids this weekend

I think it is really awesome how aware you are of your thoughts and emotions. I would urge you to consider ordering some book and doing some reading as well. My husband didn't escalate quite as far, although I am sure if given more time he would have, but he did do a lot of the same things you describe. He said by having a book to read helped him with any idle time. He would put a cover on it so when he was in starbucks people would see the title "love you, hate porn", lol! He also kept a small journal. He he still takes a book and a journal everywhere with him. He writes his thoughts and reads anytime he has 5 extra min and especially when in public. I have noticed when he feel like he might be tempted to check out and objectify other women that is when he starts to read. It is a small activity to shift his focus and attention. It is subtle so nobody notices and he can reset his mind on to what he is working towards instead of getting pulled down the rabbit hole of objectification that ends up making him feel full of urges for porn. Just thought that might help.

On the wife front, give her time. You really don't know what will happen all you can do is focus on today and do your best. She probably doesn't even know what she wants. Her mind is spinning probably. It really feels like a roller coaster. Be open, and honest. At this point you have nothing to loose, right? Communicate all of the important bits. If you want her to know that your are thinking of her, email her or send a text saying just that. Tell her you are thinking of the kids. Ask her want she needs and be available, even if it is just for her to get her frustration out, that is really therapeutic. Just keep reaching out! Above all else, no matter the future, communicate that you love her (and your kids) and that your are sorry. That really is all you can do, and it is the most important thing to do. So many men stop communicating because they don't know what to say  and the just want to "fix" it. The only way to fix anything is with love, honesty, and integrity. It won't happen over night but 10 years from now, no matter the outcome you will have more peace when you are walking as a man with quality character. If feels good to tell people because the weight of the lie is finally gone, just imagine when you are living a life where there is not shame and lies at all!

I will continue to pray for you and your family! If you ever want a list of book message me! I am happy to reccomend a bunch!

Hello aquarius25,

Thank you so much for your message.  It is so useful to hear from the point of view of somebody that has been on the receiving end.  Sorry, that sounded very blunt, but I hope you get what I mean.  Of course, I would be the most happiest if my wife were to stay with me, but hearing your words gives me a bit more calmness and serenity and thoughts of just being the best person I can be from here on.  And if that means we have a future together then great, but if not, she will see me being a good person and a good Daddy.

I feel a bit stupid reading you say to just email or text if I am thinking about her and the kids; just to say anything instead of nothing.  I know how powerful that can be.  We went through the trauma in 2014 of our beautiful baby daughter dying.  She was still born.  Losing your child is the worst nightmare come true that any parent can ever have.  She is no excuse for my behaviour, but I mention her because at the time so many friends didn't talk to us because they didn't know what to say.  Before we could blink it was weeks or months later and we had drifted apart from some friends because they didn't know what to say.  So, I can see and know the immense power of saying "Thinking of you, nothing else to say right now, love you".

I like your tip of having a book with me.  I will do that.  I was in a McD's earlier today getting a quick drink.  It was busy and my brain made me notice a girl of about 18 or 19 wearing tight trousers.  My dopamine deprived brain was screaming at my conscious to look, to objectify and go straight to 'fantasise central'.  Of course, just a few weeks ago that's exactly what I would have done.  I managed to make myself move so people were stood between us, blocking my view, but it would be a lot easier just to pull out a small book to read or have a small notepad to write the thought down so it was out of my brain.

I have got some books to read, but would welcome knowing your (and your husband's) recommendations
Thank you again so much for writing and responding to my posts, it is generous of you.