Can't believe I'm 40

BKM

Active Member
I'm 40. I was forty yesterday so I thought I best make a new journal as I am now so old. I'm also in the 30 39 section if anyone wants to read my crazy path of recovery.
In my time though my recovery I have discovered a few things about myself. I have an obsessive nature and at some point in my past, around 14 or 15, I started to obsess about sex, I had it at the top of my list. Due to my huge amount of self esteem and self image issues I thought sex and even love would never happen for me. So this obsession with the physical act of sex turned into an obsession and an addiction to pornography. This followed my life even though I found love and marriage. It was hard to realise and accept this was an addiction, after reading a lot and having an amazingly caring and loving wife to help me through this I now understand a lot more about myself. I am currently in 12 step SA program which is fantastic, he God aspect of the program is difficult for me as an agnostic. But there are other programs that are out there with no religious aspect which I will be looking into. But for now I'm just trying to continue to stay sober and improve my myself.
 

Strike a true path

Active Member
Welcome to the 40 and up section, young man!
Yes, it also took me a while to realise and take in the fact that I was addicted. (actually I would say that I AM addicted, but choose to recover and not to use) 
Sounds like you have lots of insight into your porn use over the years. And its great to hear that you have the support of your partner in your struggle -it must make a huge positive difference.
Good luck with your continuing reboot -I look forward to reading your posts
-Strike
 

BKM

Active Member
Hi strike, thanks for the welcome. I don't know if I have much insight but I am gaining some.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Welcome to the oldies but goodies section.  You might want to put a link in for your old journal.  Happy Birthday!  Late.
 

Firstbigstep

Active Member
Hi Mayer,

Welcome to the grey and grizzled carriage! I can scarcely remember 40!

We've chatted before and your wife has offered some great insights into the whole porn dependence and rebooting process.

Just thought I'd say hi and can you budge up a bit - I'm getting back on board the reboot express (though it feels like the slow train at times!)

 

BKM

Active Member
Hi FBS, there's plenty of room on this train. Now I have my eyes open I think nearly every guy I meet needs to be in SA or some such recovery. I also think with the ease of porn access nowadays this addiction is only going to become more prevalent. I fear for my kids especially the expectation that will be placed on my daughter. We home school so thankfully we can teach them about all of this and control any exposure to them. Hopefully they can learn from my mistakes.
 

BKM

Active Member
So we have discovered a great app called Wunderlist, it is simple and great keeping me organised. I put my recovery stuff on there, this way I remember to do everything each day. Some things take a bit or courage, I have always found it awkward talking to my sponsor about my sexual addiction, I was just getting ok with it with my last sponsor but now he has relapsed (he's an alcoholic) and gone off the reservation. So I am only on my second phone call with my new sponsor and it feels all awkward again. Because neither of them are sex addicts they sound pretty awkward themselves on the phone, sometimes they don't know what to say. Often I get an alcohol analogy which is awesome really, after all addiction is addiction. And the AA literature is pretty awesome compared to SA. Things will get easier pretty soon, I am speaking with him everyday
 

BKM

Active Member
I was getting a bit stuck with twelve step and the religious aspect of it. I think the people there are awesome, but looking deeper at it with my wife it seems like it is not really that good after all. You do get a good feel good factor after a meeting, and there is a good community there too. But it is also disturbing that you have to admit to being powerless to the addiction, which is frankly not true, there are tools we can use to keep ourselves sober. We don't need to give everything up to a God. There is a lot of reliance in the program of a god, or higher power, it seems like this used to remove guilt and responsibility for your actions. I am agnostic so this part of the program has always bothered me, I guess I was waiting for some sort of spiritual awakening. Also nobody is a trained therapist there, so advice may not always be good advice. At the AA group I went to there was a lot of sobriety there, lots of experience and stories of how they have stayed sober over the years. This part was great, there was a lot of insight to gain from these people. There may have been 30 or 40 people at this meeting each week, SA on the other hand was a lot smaller maybe only 6 people on a good day, they were all Christian and only one had any sort of sobriety. All the others relapsed almost daily and I sit there and listen to their tails of woe and depression and how they failed themselves and I think do I need to know this?, is this helping me?, it's like they were using it as confession to absolve their sins so they could act out next time guilt free.  Some had been there for years and still not really sober. You run these sort of thoughts through your mind at the meetings but there is also the thought that the programme has worked for so many people so it must be good. I'm in the group that it hasn't really worked for so it's time to move on.
      There is a programme called smart recovery which is very popular, based on science and fact and proven methods, and backed by professionals. These all suit me down to the ground, there is a programme that I am joining by Stanton Peele, this is based on the smart recovery programme. I have started reading his book too called Recovery! Some of his stuff is based on Buddhist teachings too which I have leaning towards. A programme in which we overcome addiction through understanding it, applying practical exercises, something which I wasn't getting through SA.
 

TrueMe

Member
Hi Mayer, read some of your posts and can relate to much of your experiences. Just wanted to say I've recently started Stanton Peele's Recovery! book too and will be working through it as part of my recovery. The focus on mindfulness, meditation, personal values and life management skills resonates strongly so far. Hope you find it as helpful and give me a shout if you ever want to compare notes going through it. All the best. TrueMe
 

Coffeenut

Member
Totally understand your cynicism re the religious part
I myself am an atheist.

My book suggestion for you and your wife is ' love you, hate the porn'. We are finding it very useful.

Read your back story and it is similar to mine.

I too have an obsessive personality which can be very useful, I have a successful business. It can also be a curse, hence why we are here.

Good luck in your journey brother!
 

BKM

Active Member
Thank you both for your replies. We too have love you hate the porn which is a really helpful, I just signed up to Stanton peele today so I will keep you posted on how it goes.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Thanks for sharing brother. I've enjoyed your recent posts and engaging writing style so please keep coming back. I'm new to your thread so I went back and read your first few posts as I wanted some context. What you shared here struck me:

"But it is also disturbing that you have to admit to being powerless to the addiction, which is frankly not true, there are tools we can use to keep ourselves sober."

I too have addictions to sex, porn, and masturbation. What you've shared here is something every single addict believes. It's the belief that we somehow have control over our addictions when in fact our addictions are controlling us. If I may paraphrase how I lied to myself for decades, it went something like this: "I'm not a porn addict because I'll quit Monday...next week...the first of the month...I only look at still naked pictures...only PMO Mondays...bullsh*t bullsh*t bullsh*t." I am part of a 12-step group for porn addiction called www.pornaddictsanonymous.org or PAA.

When I first joined PAA, I too struggled with the religious aspect of the program. And why? While I told myself it was because of my agnosticism, lack of faith, etc. that was all bullsh*t. It was nothing more than the equivalent of fat me refusing to go to the gym because it was raining. So what's my point? I initially rejected my 12-step program because my inner addict felt threatened and wanted to keep abusing porn, masturbation, and sex.

Eventually it dawned on me: higher power, God, etc. are simply words. I'm not a believer but I had to learn a valuable lesson. And that lesson is: in order to truly overcome any addiction, I first had to overcome my addictive thinking. And that thinking sounds a lot like, "I'm in control. I really don't have an addiction. Everyone else in this program is too religious, too old, too fat, and they're always relapsing. I'm not them." I eventually understood that for me, my higher power meant ending the false pretense of being in control of my addictions and truly becoming part of a healing community.

So what's my point? If you don't have the right sponsor nor right program, try another sponsor, another meeting, but please keep trying. If I were your sponsor, and I admit that I'm not my friend, I'd tell you that your resistance to these programs and your need for control might be your inner addict fighting to keep you trapped in your addictions under the false pretense of control. End of rant!

I hope that doesn't sting too much my friend. If I've offended you, I apologize. If you disagree, feel free to share why here. We're all friends and we all want the same thing: happiness and freedom from our addictions. Love Lyon. 
 

BKM

Active Member
I'm not offended, everyone has a right to there own opinions. I have been in recovery for over a year and sober for as long. Surely the beginning was abstinence in the form of white knuckling but after a while I learnt to accept I was an addict. You can read the rest of my crazy journal here....
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=11471.0
I was in SA and AA for 6 months, and they treat the condition like it is a disease, that only God can cure. To me, an agnostic, I have come believe any benefits that come from praying are not coming from an external source but coming from within, a sort of soul searching. I think the main benefit from 12 step is the fourth step, the part that makes us look at all our defects and fears, doing this allows us to look into our deep problems and ask why. If we can understand these then we can understand why we became addicted in the first place. And understanding why is what we need to start and maintain sobriety. For me the religious undertones were too great, at times during my stint in SA I did think I could accept a higher power, I meditated on it a couple of times, but I have never been able to believe in things that I don't understand. That's just me I guess. I have met people in SA and AA that are atheist but have still managed to find a higher power, and it has helped them. I can't do it.
I used to state my powerlessness to lust at every SA meeting, it is a requirement really to be in the meeting. I understand the uncontrollable factor of it, I really do, that is the addiction, that is why we are what we are. But powerless means to me that we can't do anything about it, but there is heaps we can do, I don't want to admit powerlessness, I want power over it. And to have that power is to learn how to recover and stay sober, I am doing that through Stanton peele at them moment, maybe this programme isn't for me either but it is based on what I believe which is fact and science so for me right now it is the right path.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Thank you for replying Mayer. Please keep us updated regarding your progress. Good luck and much love my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

BKM

Active Member
So the smart recovery website is really hard to navigate, they have blogs and journals and I don't know the difference. And it is really hard to find your own journal to add a post to it. One day I will work it out. I have completed my questionnaire on Stanton peele and I am awaiting feedback. They have provided me with a coach to guide me through my recovery. They are fully qualified therapists, currently I don't feel like I am doing enough on this programme, I have entered it into Wunderlist to up my work output. So now every other day I will do some recovery work.
 

TrueMe

Member
Hey Mayer, I found their website similarly frustrating so ended up just working through the book. Hope the programme and coaching work for you though (pretty sure you can get a refund within the first month if not). Either way there's a lot of life rebuilding ahead so sounds like a good plan to commit to it on a regular basis.
 

lyon03

Respected Member
Thank you for sharing Mayer. Please keep us posted about the new program. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
 

BKM

Active Member
So it appears I make no progress no matter what program I do. I triggered my wife last night with another lie from the old me. So out come the justifications and minimisations. This seems to be my instinct reaction to confrontation. I don't know how I can change this, it's like automatic for me, it seems like it is going to be harder changing this than recovering from my addiction. Empathy doesn't come naturally to me either, I have had moments of empathy, and I think I have got better at it over the last year but still I would prefer that as an instinct rather than justification.
      I am completely honest now, porn was my only secret, I had to lie to keep feeding it. I had to lie even when discovered to try in vain to keep hold of it. These lies keep coming back I can't remember them anymore until they come up in conversation, it doesn't bode well for our relationship.
      My wife is really hurting right now, and my skills are lacking. I will keep on reading and taking everything I can in for the better. The new program I am on is helping in some areas, it has changed now from me being completely powerless with SA to having the power within me to overcome this addiction from within. Something I can understand. Also the notion that addiction is a disease is out the window, more people relapse with these ideas as they can use the powerlessness and disease model as excuses. The program also says that the reward pathway mechanism in the brain is not correct either, reading the book it seems like they are non committal either way. I'm not sure if the reward pathway system is proven fact of not. This could be why they seem open about it, if it gets proven then they will accept it as it is a science based program.
      I have had feedback off my online counsellor with the LifeProcess program, it was quite positive, lots of questions. I'm not sure whether they are supposed to make me think or whether I am supposed to answer them all. I have sent her my full disclosure to give her some background information although some of it she won't understand without knowing my family history. Wunderlist is still helping a lot. I seem to be able to keep on top of most things, posting on here is on my list.
 
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