Speaking from my own experience, forgiveness is a process which happens gradually over time, and not so much an event. It?s certainly not a one time thing.
I could forgive the acting out behaviours relatively easily once I understood what porn addiction is ? that it became a compulsion to feed the reward centre in the brain ? and that it stemmed from an inability to deal with difficult feelings and life events.
It took longer to forgive the deception and the lying, because that?s the part that hurts more than the behaviour itself, but eventually I understood that deception and addiction are inextricably interwoven, so that was probably the next stage of forgiveness. It happened slowly. It wasn?t as if I came to a decision to forgive, it was more the realisation that it wasn?t an issue for me any more.
I don?t think forgiveness can be forced, and nor should it be seen as a duty or an obligation, or even a ?goal?. It?s OK to forgive some things but not others, and I it?s OK to defer forgiveness until you feel safe to do so. Some partners can?t move into the forgiving stages until they know that the acting out has stopped and/or their spouse is owning the consequences of their past behaviours.
There?s also the issue of forgiving yourself, because sometimes we can beat ourselves up over what we did, or didn?t do or where we went wrong, etc. I was (and still am) prepared to acknowledge my own role, not so much in my husband?s porn addiction, but for not acting in the best interests of the relationship during his addiction. I knew, I tried, I gave up, I gave in ? and I feel bad about that because I knew that his interest in was not quite healthy, let?s say, and I did say that he had to quit or we?d need to seek professional help. But instead I left him to it and I didn?t do anything. I need to forgive myself for not putting my money where my mouth is.
The hardest part of the forgiveness process is forgiving the unknown behaviours that may have occurred in past. This is a very tricky one because it?s a very conceptual version of forgiveness. Within recovery circles, we know that full disclosure is rare, even where there is no intention or conscious attempt to deceive. Some undisclosed behaviours may be relatively trivial or even forgotten because they are trivial. Sometimes there?s ?more of the same? that hasn?t been disclosed, perhaps because the memories are vague or perhaps the addict hasn?t quite acknowledged it in his own mind. In any case, these types of non-disclosure would not make any material difference to the relationship or the recovery process. In my mind, those ?unknowns? are forgiven.
If there are any more serious ?unknowns? I also have had to go through a process of forgiveness, of how I might forgive should I unexpectedly discover something that was not disclosed when I gave my husband the opportunity to do so? I?ve thought about this and I have put in place a sort of a contingency plan for the forgiveness process. I?m talking about behaviours that MAY have happened in the past, so in that respect I have already accepted that whatever happened in the past can?t be undone. I may know everything. I may not know everything. But I can still be forgiving of what I DON?T know.
For me, I think forgiveness is peace of mind and living a life with meaning and fulfilment. I think it?s a state of mind.