Hello to everybody.
This is my first post in this forum and I wanto to use it both for introducing myself and as the beginning of my journal.
I'm a 27-years old boy from Europe. I have recentlly completed all my studies and now I'm looking for job. I don't have a girlfriend (I'm going to deepen this subject) and I have some friends, although I am not satisfied from my social life.
I am addicted to porn!
Why? Because it's since november 2012 that I'm trying to stop the pmo habit, without acheiving the goal of making a full rebooting process. I'll explain better below how and when I started PMOing, how it affected me, how and when I discovered it is harmful and what I did to stop this habit.
1) How and when I started PMOing
My first contact with pornography was more or less 15 years ago, when I was 12 (in 2000). I found by accident a CD in the shelf. My dad must have put it there. I was curious and I played it. There was a 7-8 videos of an italian porn actress. Those videos hooked me immediantly. I masturbated in them several times per day.
After some monthes I found out peer to peer websites, from which I began to download new porn videos. I collected a lot of them and was renaming and storing those files.
I came to the age of 15 masturbating in porn 5 days per weeks, most of them more than once per day. In the weekends, or during holydays, sometimes I used to pmo 5 times in a day (my record, which I don't wanto to break), specially on Sundays.
At the age of 20 my dad gifted me an iPhone. PMOing using it turned out to be by far more confortable than a pc. After some time I found out an application which allowed me to download on it videos from porn tubesite. It became my new passion! I kept collecting porn videos I was downloading. I loved (and I still do, although I ma struggling for avoiding it) to browse the porn tube sites, to look for a porno video which turns me on, to ejaculated watching on a screen showing me those sexual contents.
Yeah, I loved all that process and it would have been great if I didn't find out what it was causing to me, to my brain and to my life.
2) How PMO affected me
I had more sympthoms I couldn't explain.
I had very low success with women, even thought I have always been an athletic and good looking guy. I was shy. I didn't have any motivation in getting one (why should I? I was accustomed to watch hotter girla in a screen and get satisfied by them!). I had a very low energy and women could feel that, so they avoided me.
I lost verginity at the age of 20 (it was in June 2008). And try to guess? I didn't cum. I couldn't ejaculated. I didn't know it at that time, but now I know that it was because a real woman couldn't turn me on since my brain was used to the superstimuli porn videos were giving me! The first time I ejaculated during sex was at the age of 22 (in febbruary 2010). It was with the girl who became my girlfriend for 2 years and half. Ti was the forth girl I had sex with. Before her I had sex several time with others, but I couldn't cum. So until the age of 22 I was unable to ejaculate by having sex with real women.
From the age of 22 on I had delajed ejaculation! Usually I could have sex for 1-2 hours without cumming. And if I masturbated - for example - the day before, sex wasn't neither that satisfying. I remember two episodes that now scares me. One time my ex girlfriend wanted me to do it quicklier, so I asked her to watch porn on my iPhone while having sex; I did it, and I cummed almost immediantly, turned up to it, rather than to her. Another time, with another girl we had sex from 9 to 12 am; I couldn't cum; then she want in the bathroom and I watched a porn video on my iPhone: in less than one minute I orgasmed! I definitly suffered delajed ejaculation!
I had low motivation in doing everything. I was easly giving up whatever I was doing. Even at school I was doing the minimal required, although I've always been good at it.
I had severe social anxiety. I didn't want to be outside alone. I was scared to go in places where people saw me alone. I didn't want people saw me. I feared to talk to some persons. All of these brought me to have a poor social life. I found out later that this was one of pmo habit's outcome.
I couldn't concentrate. When people arte talking to me I tend to think about other businesses. When I read something I was thinking about something else. I discovered later what was brain fog and that I was suffering it.
I was also looking for more weird or extreme porn, such as watching own wife having sex, public pickups, mothers and, finally, violence on women. It scared me that I came to be turned on something like that.
Luckly I've never had ED.
Just to sum up, and in case something else comes up in my mind, PMO caused to me:
- low success with women,
- inability to cum during sex until the age of 22,
- delajed ejaculation since I am 22,
- no motivation in anything and low energy,
- social anxiety,
- brain fog,
- more extreme and curious porno videos searching.
3) How and when I discovered PMO is harmful
In november 2012, my friend told me about nofap reddit. It is a community of people trying to recover from pmo addiction. I began to read topics of people telling about their stories and people who recovered. I cried on what I found out. I cried in getting aware that several problems in my life arise from pmo! I was shocked and I promised myself that I would have done something to help it.
4) What I do to stop PMOing
Since november 2012 I did a lot of things to break that cursed habit.
Firstly I read a lot of posts on nofap reddit. I tried to catch as much as possible from others' esperience, others' stories and others' reports.
I had some good streaks, but not more than 30-35 days without PMOing. Anyway, in most periods I was regularly PMOing.
In march 2014 I deleted all my stored porn videos. I deleted everything I collected in 13 years: something like 180 Gigabyte of porn videos!
Still in march 2014 I absteined from pmo (easy mode, since I had a girl I had sex with) for 113 days! In july I relapsed due to a porn scene in a random (not porno) video I was watching. Since than I was PMOing regularly watching porn tubesites.
Around febbruary-march 2015 I had behaviors and feelings that I didn't like. This time I knew that pmo was the cause, so I took some drastic decisions. I bought a 15 years old mobile phone on internet, a phone that couldn't go on internet and on which I couldn't fap; I was using the iPhone only to check stuff I could have checked only by there and anyway not more than 30 mins per day! Then I bought a book, "your brain on porn"; its author is the creator of the website with the same name. I read this book twice, so I got very educated about pornography addiction and demotivated for PMOing. I had also begun a journal, but I constantly wrote on it only for two monthes and half.
Thank to these precautions I had a 60 days streak in easy mode and 73 days streak in hard mode! The relapse to this last streak was painful, because I was sure I would never pmo again, and I did even though I was out and without a smartphone (in fact I ran back home and fapped on pc after years I was doing it only on the iPhone).
Since then (august 2015) I was fapping regularly again, with the excuse I had an exam that stressed me so much that I couldn't help it and I couldn't do anything because I would have lost too much precious time I needed for studying.
As I passed that exam, in november 2015 I resolved again that I will not fap anymore in my life. So I had a 28 days stral from the 2nd to the 29th of november. A week before relapsing, I got a new iPhone. From the 30th of november to the 6th of december I had another 7 days streak. And my last relapse was on su day, the 6th of december 2015 at 23:59. Monday the 7th of december 2015 is my day 1, and it must be the first of a nofap streak that will go on for the rest of my life!
I came to this website after watching Gabe's interview on the YouTube channel "rebootnation". I hope to find here resources which will help me to stop PMOing forever!
Today is sunday the 13th of december 2015. It's my 7th day without PMOing.
I am clean for 6 days. Today is day 7!
This is my first post in this forum and I wanto to use it both for introducing myself and as the beginning of my journal.
I'm a 27-years old boy from Europe. I have recentlly completed all my studies and now I'm looking for job. I don't have a girlfriend (I'm going to deepen this subject) and I have some friends, although I am not satisfied from my social life.
I am addicted to porn!
Why? Because it's since november 2012 that I'm trying to stop the pmo habit, without acheiving the goal of making a full rebooting process. I'll explain better below how and when I started PMOing, how it affected me, how and when I discovered it is harmful and what I did to stop this habit.
1) How and when I started PMOing
My first contact with pornography was more or less 15 years ago, when I was 12 (in 2000). I found by accident a CD in the shelf. My dad must have put it there. I was curious and I played it. There was a 7-8 videos of an italian porn actress. Those videos hooked me immediantly. I masturbated in them several times per day.
After some monthes I found out peer to peer websites, from which I began to download new porn videos. I collected a lot of them and was renaming and storing those files.
I came to the age of 15 masturbating in porn 5 days per weeks, most of them more than once per day. In the weekends, or during holydays, sometimes I used to pmo 5 times in a day (my record, which I don't wanto to break), specially on Sundays.
At the age of 20 my dad gifted me an iPhone. PMOing using it turned out to be by far more confortable than a pc. After some time I found out an application which allowed me to download on it videos from porn tubesite. It became my new passion! I kept collecting porn videos I was downloading. I loved (and I still do, although I ma struggling for avoiding it) to browse the porn tube sites, to look for a porno video which turns me on, to ejaculated watching on a screen showing me those sexual contents.
Yeah, I loved all that process and it would have been great if I didn't find out what it was causing to me, to my brain and to my life.
2) How PMO affected me
I had more sympthoms I couldn't explain.
I had very low success with women, even thought I have always been an athletic and good looking guy. I was shy. I didn't have any motivation in getting one (why should I? I was accustomed to watch hotter girla in a screen and get satisfied by them!). I had a very low energy and women could feel that, so they avoided me.
I lost verginity at the age of 20 (it was in June 2008). And try to guess? I didn't cum. I couldn't ejaculated. I didn't know it at that time, but now I know that it was because a real woman couldn't turn me on since my brain was used to the superstimuli porn videos were giving me! The first time I ejaculated during sex was at the age of 22 (in febbruary 2010). It was with the girl who became my girlfriend for 2 years and half. Ti was the forth girl I had sex with. Before her I had sex several time with others, but I couldn't cum. So until the age of 22 I was unable to ejaculate by having sex with real women.
From the age of 22 on I had delajed ejaculation! Usually I could have sex for 1-2 hours without cumming. And if I masturbated - for example - the day before, sex wasn't neither that satisfying. I remember two episodes that now scares me. One time my ex girlfriend wanted me to do it quicklier, so I asked her to watch porn on my iPhone while having sex; I did it, and I cummed almost immediantly, turned up to it, rather than to her. Another time, with another girl we had sex from 9 to 12 am; I couldn't cum; then she want in the bathroom and I watched a porn video on my iPhone: in less than one minute I orgasmed! I definitly suffered delajed ejaculation!
I had low motivation in doing everything. I was easly giving up whatever I was doing. Even at school I was doing the minimal required, although I've always been good at it.
I had severe social anxiety. I didn't want to be outside alone. I was scared to go in places where people saw me alone. I didn't want people saw me. I feared to talk to some persons. All of these brought me to have a poor social life. I found out later that this was one of pmo habit's outcome.
I couldn't concentrate. When people arte talking to me I tend to think about other businesses. When I read something I was thinking about something else. I discovered later what was brain fog and that I was suffering it.
I was also looking for more weird or extreme porn, such as watching own wife having sex, public pickups, mothers and, finally, violence on women. It scared me that I came to be turned on something like that.
Luckly I've never had ED.
Just to sum up, and in case something else comes up in my mind, PMO caused to me:
- low success with women,
- inability to cum during sex until the age of 22,
- delajed ejaculation since I am 22,
- no motivation in anything and low energy,
- social anxiety,
- brain fog,
- more extreme and curious porno videos searching.
3) How and when I discovered PMO is harmful
In november 2012, my friend told me about nofap reddit. It is a community of people trying to recover from pmo addiction. I began to read topics of people telling about their stories and people who recovered. I cried on what I found out. I cried in getting aware that several problems in my life arise from pmo! I was shocked and I promised myself that I would have done something to help it.
4) What I do to stop PMOing
Since november 2012 I did a lot of things to break that cursed habit.
Firstly I read a lot of posts on nofap reddit. I tried to catch as much as possible from others' esperience, others' stories and others' reports.
I had some good streaks, but not more than 30-35 days without PMOing. Anyway, in most periods I was regularly PMOing.
In march 2014 I deleted all my stored porn videos. I deleted everything I collected in 13 years: something like 180 Gigabyte of porn videos!
Still in march 2014 I absteined from pmo (easy mode, since I had a girl I had sex with) for 113 days! In july I relapsed due to a porn scene in a random (not porno) video I was watching. Since than I was PMOing regularly watching porn tubesites.
Around febbruary-march 2015 I had behaviors and feelings that I didn't like. This time I knew that pmo was the cause, so I took some drastic decisions. I bought a 15 years old mobile phone on internet, a phone that couldn't go on internet and on which I couldn't fap; I was using the iPhone only to check stuff I could have checked only by there and anyway not more than 30 mins per day! Then I bought a book, "your brain on porn"; its author is the creator of the website with the same name. I read this book twice, so I got very educated about pornography addiction and demotivated for PMOing. I had also begun a journal, but I constantly wrote on it only for two monthes and half.
Thank to these precautions I had a 60 days streak in easy mode and 73 days streak in hard mode! The relapse to this last streak was painful, because I was sure I would never pmo again, and I did even though I was out and without a smartphone (in fact I ran back home and fapped on pc after years I was doing it only on the iPhone).
Since then (august 2015) I was fapping regularly again, with the excuse I had an exam that stressed me so much that I couldn't help it and I couldn't do anything because I would have lost too much precious time I needed for studying.
As I passed that exam, in november 2015 I resolved again that I will not fap anymore in my life. So I had a 28 days stral from the 2nd to the 29th of november. A week before relapsing, I got a new iPhone. From the 30th of november to the 6th of december I had another 7 days streak. And my last relapse was on su day, the 6th of december 2015 at 23:59. Monday the 7th of december 2015 is my day 1, and it must be the first of a nofap streak that will go on for the rest of my life!
I came to this website after watching Gabe's interview on the YouTube channel "rebootnation". I hope to find here resources which will help me to stop PMOing forever!
Today is sunday the 13th of december 2015. It's my 7th day without PMOing.
I am clean for 6 days. Today is day 7!