Today

Today I'm fighting my PA. I've come close to viewing p online, but somehow managed not to. But I hate this struggle. I know why it's so harmful and destructive and simply do not want to look at anything inappropriate.

For the rest of this afternoon, I am simply not allowed to type anything into google that might result in browsing or looking at stuff.

Instead, I will go for a walk, have a cold shower, or meditate for 10 minutes. That's my plan for today.

It's been a shit few days, keep edging and ended up looking at stuff for 15 minutes. Thankfully I pulled myself away but feeling the negative effects. It's really ruining my brain I can feel how sensitive it is to seeing p and now left with anxiety, guilt and the empty sickening feeling.

It's hard to believe that it's possible to have  life outside of this nemesis. It's not a world I even know, how sad. But yet I'm desperate for that freedom and am aware of it's responsibilities. But it's what I want - and need.

It's indirectly harming marriage. My wife doesn't know as it will ruin her and break our marriage apart. It's also affecting my mental health and at times, physically too. I feel trapped in my own shadow, the demons forever after me. will this ever end? If so, how?

I've read several posts on this website which have made an impact, but whilst I try and digest other people's suggestions and experiences, I find myself sinking again. It's like my brain is afraid of the change and when it comes to resisting I hear the word 'No' in my head but still act out. It's totally fucked but I need to take control of my life.

Just figuring out how best to do that.

I feel you brother.  What worked for me was anger.  Once I truly understood what porn is and exactly what it is doing to my brain (like from the science point of view), I got really mad.  I got angry at porn, at the porn actors, at the producers, and at the government for making it impossible for me to truly shut it off from my home and my phone.  The anger provided me with the necessary energy and determination to push through the [truly unpleasant] withdrawal phase of recovery.

I don't know if you're experiencing any PIED symptoms, but one of the things I found useful was to reflect on the choice I was making; that I could either be a hero or a zero in bed.  Porn = limp dick in bed, no porn = effortless hard-on in bed.  I could only have it one way or another.  But one of the problems with this addiction is that when I was in it, the long-term benefit of being clean seemed sort of theoretical compared to the immediate reward porn offered, so at times it was hard to make that choice. 

You have the right idea, you just need to make the "no" in your head louder...a LOT louder.  So loud that you can't hear anything else for about 3 months.  Dedicate yourself to your recovery.  As William says (look up his posts - they're great), you need to be all about recovery for a while - make it your life purpose for the first few months.  If you're ready to quit and never go back, to make your recovery a priority, to amp up the volume on your inner "no", then you can get free of these chains for good.

Maybe visualize yourself in a chain gang (think Cool Hand Luke) and say to your pecker: "What we've got here is a failure to communicate"

Keep going.  We are with you to support you.  Sounds like you are already in sync to do alternate activity.
This is all part of the detox, withdrawl process.  It makes me more sympathetic to those who detox from drugs or alcohol.  I see us all as being in the same boat.  There is a life of freedom to be had and we are going to get it.  As the slogan is "One day at a time." We can experience blessing even while we are going through some of the change and misery.

I'm finding it incredibly hard at the moment to stay happy and upbeat as I'm going through a roller coaster of highs and lows with withdrawal feelings. Shit I am hating this. I keep edging in one way or another and can't seem to be disciplined despite all good intentions. Feeling down but want to try and turn it around. Such an enormous task and the thought of one day at a time (which usually i accept) makes me feel like shit right now.

You need to do more than just not look at porn and you need to think about this as a life change rather than a 3-month hiatus. Take stock of your life and think about what are the things that drive you to porn in the first place. Start working on those things. Also, you need to look at this as a serious addiction. Just like any other addiction, there are ways to beat it but secrecy is never one of them. Porn feeds on secrecy, it build shame which is isolating, which just perpetuates the entire cycle. I would encourage you, in addition to this forum, join some sort of group whether a 12 step or something else. Find a way to connect with other addicts. It is very rare to see an addict successfully overcome a serious addiction all alone.

As a partner, I would also encourage you to be honest with your wife. That is your decision and you have to right to do whatever you like but most of the partners would agree that the lying is the worst part. The sooner you come to her and tell her you are hurting the better. Way better than her finding out on her own. She can add to your recovery in so many ways and you can begin to heal a marriage that is probably more broken than you realize. It is hard, and I imagine super scary but worth it. Most women feel hurt, lots of it, but if the partner is coming to them then they usually don't leave. I sure wish my husband had come to me. That is what partners are, right?

Whatever you choose, I wish you the very best! Keep focused.