This is my first post after years of struggling to make real progress with my PA. More importantly, I must commit to using this platform at least several times a week to express and keep myself in check.
I've hit a bit of a personal crisis: I'm 32 yo, married with no kids and having work problems. That's not the crisis though, it's that 16 years of PA is causing me to have e.d. and the anxiety that it brings is unimaginable. I am scared that having this sort of problem in the bedroom will cause tension between my wife and I, and to be frank, I'm doing my best to make up for being a lousy husband since we married a couple of years ago. PA has ruined me, in terms of self esteem/confidence etc. Barely a week passes without using it, and as much as I'm aware of my thoughts/feelings and despite having read up on learning about PA, I haven't been responding to that awareness as needed. i.e. use of porn instead of a healthier replacement action. The result, like so many of us, is a whirlwind of negative emotions and thoughts that spiral out of control until it feels like I have a mental health problem (which I guess PA is!) and then that leads into greater anxiety.
Getting to the point, I feel the need to express how I'm feeling right now:
-Anxious about e.d.
-Guilt and shame for living a lie.
-Regret. Massive regret for giving in so easily to using porn instead of managing emotions
-Fear over the future. Will my marriage breakdown b/c of this? Will we be able to try having children in the coming months? Will I be able to turn things around so that I can transform my work problems so that I can actually earn a respectable wage and provide for my family?
Those a few things. I would like to elaborate on future posts. Ultimately, I know that I have been holding myself back for half of my adult life to the point that I feel like a lost soul. A broken man. A fake.
And that is not how I want to carry on living.
I've hit a bit of a personal crisis: I'm 32 yo, married with no kids and having work problems. That's not the crisis though, it's that 16 years of PA is causing me to have e.d. and the anxiety that it brings is unimaginable. I am scared that having this sort of problem in the bedroom will cause tension between my wife and I, and to be frank, I'm doing my best to make up for being a lousy husband since we married a couple of years ago. PA has ruined me, in terms of self esteem/confidence etc. Barely a week passes without using it, and as much as I'm aware of my thoughts/feelings and despite having read up on learning about PA, I haven't been responding to that awareness as needed. i.e. use of porn instead of a healthier replacement action. The result, like so many of us, is a whirlwind of negative emotions and thoughts that spiral out of control until it feels like I have a mental health problem (which I guess PA is!) and then that leads into greater anxiety.
Getting to the point, I feel the need to express how I'm feeling right now:
-Anxious about e.d.
-Guilt and shame for living a lie.
-Regret. Massive regret for giving in so easily to using porn instead of managing emotions
-Fear over the future. Will my marriage breakdown b/c of this? Will we be able to try having children in the coming months? Will I be able to turn things around so that I can transform my work problems so that I can actually earn a respectable wage and provide for my family?
Those a few things. I would like to elaborate on future posts. Ultimately, I know that I have been holding myself back for half of my adult life to the point that I feel like a lost soul. A broken man. A fake.
And that is not how I want to carry on living.