We can do it if we don't give up

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Icandoit

Guest
Hello, everyone! I chose the username "Icandoit" because I can do this and all of us can if we don't give up.

I've decided to start my journal in the "30-39" section because I will be 30 in 6 months and I would have to change the section anyway. I hope there is no problem with this.

My story is not very different. I watched P for the first time when I was 13 but things got bad when I got Internet at 16. Everything went downhill after that. I can't exactly explain why but I didn't escalate to crazy things that other people talk about. I've been watching the same videos over and over again for years and I should be tired of them, however, when strong urges hit me, they become so appealing again. I would find a new favorite video and add it to the collection. The lack of escalation doesn't prevent a man from becoming a P addict, though. I can't stop despise the problems that I experience nowadays because of this. I haven't escalated in genres but I did escalate in PMO-ing myself to exhaustion. I do it as many times as I can, until I drain myself completely.

Because, when I relapse, I rarely don't binge. I feel so low in dopamine that I keep trying to elevate myself, further drowning myself. There is also this "chaser effect", this craving for more that comes after the first PMO that drives me crazy and pushes me to do it "one last time". And with each PMO, I feel worse and I try to "medicate it" with more PMO. I see how this works but I can't stop it.

After a binge, I feel so "low" that nothing pleases me. I enter a flatline period that can last many days and I feel uninterested in everything. I have low motivation, lack of energy, low mental tolerance for things and I don't enjoy anything. Some days ago I tried to listen to an album and I jumped from song to song because they didn't make me feel anything. It takes about 3 weeks for my dopamine to become sensitive again to simple things but I haven't been able to reach 3 weeks in a while. I feel that P fucked up my brain seriously. After a binge, I am not interested in work either and I have attention span problems. I can't concentrate to study anything for work and my brain works so slow that I can barely find words to speak.

 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Icandoit!

Welcome to the forum. You've taken a very imporant step towards beating this addiction. Acknowledging to yourself that you are addicted is an important step, so great job!


The things you describe resonate with me a lot and i'm sure the other guys as well. You end up in a cycle of reward seeking, chasing something you will never find.  You've already figured out one danger zone/trigger when you PMO, but do you also know what exactly your triggers are?

what also can help is to change the room/situation in which you usually PMO. Place the computer / laptop somewhere else. If you change that environment your brain will not assosiate it with PMO.

Anyway,

I hope to see you post more in this thread so that we can follow your journey and support you. I saw that you already started to support other guys, Thanks for that! It's much appreciated.

 
I

Icandoit

Guest
@ShadeTrenecin thanks for the comment. I know I got caught in this circle of seeking a high reward that doesn't give me anything. And because of this, other things that I should enjoy pale in comparison and I am not interested in them when I don't abstain from PMO. I know what my triggers are but for some reason I haven't been able to break the cycle of relapsing on my free days. Maybe I should do what you said and rearrange the environment. The addicted brain definitely associates usual PMO places with the urge to do it. Thanks for support.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Icandoit (or YouCanDoIt from my perspective ;) )

It sucks that you had a relapse, but it's not a problem. Its part of this long journey ahead of you and sometimes you tend to hit a few bumps.
Can you recall what made you relapse? Are you able to identify the triggers, your mood, the situation?
Asking and aswerering these questions are paramount to finding out how your addiction is rooted in your brain and how it is activated.


For now, keep you chin up man, nothing is lost. You are still on the path to a porn free life..


Stay strong, i'm rooting for you!
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
ShadeTrenicin said:
Hey Icandoit (or YouCanDoIt from my perspective ;) )

It sucks that you had a relapse, but it's not a problem. Its part of this long journey ahead of you and sometimes you tend to hit a few bumps.
Can you recall what made you relapse? Are you able to identify the triggers, your mood, the situation?
Asking and aswerering these questions are paramount to finding out how your addiction is rooted in your brain and how it is activated.


For now, keep you chin up man, nothing is lost. You are still on the path to a porn free life..


Stay strong, i'm rooting for you!

Thanks. Yes, I know my P behavior.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
Day 1

I fucked up my brain again with 2 binges 2 days in a row and the symptoms are here: Elevated anxiety, low energy and lack of interest in everything. I fucking hate when I lose streaks like that.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
Day 2

It takes a lot until I start feeling better. Right now I feel low in dopamine, anxious, low in energy and uninterested in anything. Tomorrow at work it will be a fucking shit day.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
Day 3

Shit, man, I'm almost 30 and I haven't really accomplished anything. I have a coworker who is only 2 years older than me but he has 2 kids, 2 cars and his own place. I look at myself and I don't even have a driving license. I wasted my 20s with PMO, Internet and gaming. But how the fuck do you want to do anything after PMO binges? I never have the drive to do anything anyway.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
Day 4

I've been thinking about my life, man. I'm getting "too old for this shit". I am not 20 anymore. This addiction has been dragging me down too much and I can't waste years anymore. I need to accomplish things otherwise I will only look like a bitter old kid. I need to do things about my hobbies, about my social life, about relationships, I need to get a driving license and a car. The future that I want to build is not possible binging PMO. Past wasted years have shown me this.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Youcandoit,

That sucks man, but its not the end of the world. Do you know what lead to this relapse, and what the triggers are?

Good luck on getting back on the horse!
 
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Icandoit

Guest
Day 2

Everything moves so slow, man, when I reset myself to the beginning.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
Day 4

I am fucking stressed and my mental tolerance is low. I feel overwhelmed by all the bullshit.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
Day 5

Rumination is gonna kill me. I ruminate too much and I don't seem to be able to stop. Maybe it's because of the addiction, I'm not sure yet. One thing I know: I have to quit and then see which was me and which was the addiction.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
I relapsed. Forget it. I don't know what the fuck to do anymore.
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
Day -1

It's not even "Day 0", I am below that. I engage in self-destructive behavior too much. 2 days of binges in a row and getting drunk. When the fuck am I going to treat myself better. My mind is a fucking mess.
 
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