F4Add

Hello everybody.
I've been reading some posts for a while, but now I've decided to join.
I had a relapse 4 and 5 days ago but before that, let me tell you how it started.

I started masturbating when I was young, I don't exactly remember my age, but I think I was like 8 or 9 years old. Then I found some pictures from commercials which I carefully cut out from the magazines and kept someplace secret and used those as fapping material. Then, when I was something like 16 years old, I went internet speed. Now I'm 24.

Even though I'm not satisfied and not completely free yet, I'd say I have made a big step into it.
The rebooting started years ago: I soon understood, felt deeply in my heart that fapping was not normal and not good for me. After fapping I would became nervous and rude to my family and to people near me.

The main triggers for me are: stress, fatigue, dissatisfaction with my life.
Right now I see it as a loop, i.e. you are dissatisfied, frustrated and look at porn, than you are even more dissatisfied and go back to porn, getting worse and worse and repeat. I think, and I've seen that the earlier I see it as a loop, I take awareness that I need to get out of it, take some time thinking about it, regaining my motivation and eventually I get out of it.
During the last years, when I relapsed, I went back to it for months, maybe a year; now I've understood this(loop model) and I think it helped me a lot; the ratio between the days I fapped in a year and the days of the year would be quite low compared to the 3 times per day I was used to; I think it would be no more than 30 days per year divided into 3 strikes(I took note every time about what I looked and what day was, but I lost the file and I just realized it!) This is a big step for me but I still need to walk my way out of it.
The next step I think it is to eradicate the unconscious thought out of my mind that porn is still an option. NO!! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION ANYMORE! This is for the times I'm too stressed to say no and the old habits get in the way and I need new, stronger and better habits.

The reason I'm doing this, is because it's not good for me, because it's a waste of time and so on.
We all know there are infinite reasons for stopping, but I think that everybody should think of his/her own. Personally, I have a long list written in paper with all the reasons why it's not worth looking at porn. As I mentioned, I reckon it's not good for me and in my life I want to strive to be better, to be the best version of my self. Here comes my username, and the topic's title, F4Add, fight for a different day, meaning better and I also like the acronym because is Add, I want to add better things in my life, to be able to add happiness to my life every day.

I've also experienced porn induced ED in the past,for example I didn't have morning woods which now I have and it's great.
Regarding the material, during the years I went from more extreme videos to some lighter pictures and youtube videos.

This has been my journey until now, I hope you'll be part of it in the future, and I'll be in yours (since we are here) for better results and great time sharing our stories.
We are a whole and as such a problem in one area of our lives will have effects on all the other areas, so I'll keep fighting until I'll be the winner. F4Add

So, comment, or write me and if you have any questions I'll be willing to answer you.

Thank you for reading.  8)

These were not my first 10 days. Last time I relapsed after 92 days.

What I did and what I learned during these 10 days.

-I read Wilson's "Your brain on porn" which was very helpuf and made me understand better my situation. It helped me to understand that the road to recovery and freedom is still very far away.

-I realized I have porn induced fetishes, which need time to disappear and are the ones that still bond me to porn. Even though porn videos are not tempting anymore I still fantasize about some of them looking at youtube or mainly hundreds of escort profiles.

-I realized I'm not turned on just by seeing a girl; in particular Wilson writes "Once upon a time, man could trust their penises to tell them everything thay needed to know about their sexual tastes or orientation. That was before the internet." 

-I realized the effects porn has on my brain. These also apply to other aspects of my life. Food for example. For example if yesterday I ate ice cream, for the chaser effect, today I'd still want to eat an ice cream. This has already happened twice and I just said: I ate ice cream yesterday. This is just my brain wanting it(high sugar). Wilson writes also that "urges die down eventually, usually within a quarter of an hour."


My plans for the future.

-Reduce internet usage

-Read and comment other people's journals

-Write periodical posts

-extinction training (Pavlov's dog)I did this, but I will be doing this only when I'm sure not to fall back)

-I made a plan like this:when___occurs(trigger), I will___(new routine), because it gives me___(the reward) (This is also suggested in Gary's book



We are what we repeatedly do. Aristotele
Not doing something is still doing something.

Hi guys, so my journey until now is 45 days long. I wanted to write an update earlier than this one, but I wasn't home.

I came to feel that I have a deeper desire for relationship and friendship. Lately I have missed some good opportunities and some good time with friends. Pornography is a vicious cycle and you start to isolate yourself. I believe I'm a rather lone person in the sense that I like taking some time for myself, but I need to balance, to find an equilibrium between relationship and time for myself. 

One important thing is that pornography leaves wounds and not all of them are fast to heal. Some take time. And I just need to accept this as a fact. Reading Your brain on porn really helped me. After reading it I had some thoughts and beavihours that now I could link to my pornography addiction.

In general I look for a better awareness in my life. This is a deep deep desire in my heart. Probably because it's the opposity that you do while watching pornography. If you try to be aware of your life, your moments, your friends, your food, your time running in the sunset, your time at work/study, you try to discover the full potential of that moment, to understand what Grace is for you to be there. When you look at porn you scroll between thousands of women without ever looking deeply to them.
If you watch this video it will help to understand the gift of yourself
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YADa7UBnEtQ

So in general I became more aware of
equilibrium
awareness
wounds that need time

Hi guys.
The last 10 days were very tough. I'm having stronger and stronger cravings and a bit of anxiety which is not normal for me. But I guess they're withdrawal symptoms. I've gone easy for 2 months, but now it's really tough. It's strange but I guess this is my brain trying to tell me: please go back to porn. I'm doing everything I can to resist.
I think this happened also the last times I relapsed, not really going beyond my "confort zone" or without breaking the wind and keep going.

Keep pushing man!

@willtochange
Thanks man!

Day 71
I think I might be experiencing what most guys experience during the early stages. Today is better than yesterday and better than the last 10 days, but I woke up with no morning wood
One interesting fact it's that I think I suffer from a lack of concentration, but after quitting there was no difference. But I think yesterday night I was more concentrated during my activities, so I'm thinking that for me the brain changes are just starting. Who knows, I'll be posting updates, hoping my concentration will be increasing.

Day 73.

Sexual tastes. I knew that porn had something to do with my tastes of girls I liked and dated and everything, but now it's getting clearer and clearer.
I now look for different "things" in a possible partner. I'm dating, so I'm figuring out this right now, though I don't know yet what I'd like.

For sure I keep thinking about her, being a good mom. Will she be a good mom?

Months ago, a friend told me: "you really look for strange girls. I'm not going to introduce you to her when you come visit my village". Sure I did. And yes, porn had a lot to do with this. Now it's better but there's still a long way to go.

80 Days
I'm very proud of my 80 days. I'm starting to see very small behaviour attitude. One week ago I felt very frustrated and the thought of whatching porn didn't occur. I think this is great. Sometimes I still feel the urge though.
Energy is better and it's better my attitude, which is not anymore
I have a problem-porn-maybe find a solution;
now it's more problem-find a fucking solution,
even though there's still a long way to go.

Nice job man, great job on reaching 80 days!

willtochange said:

Nice job man, great job on reaching 80 days!

Click to expand...

Thanks!!
Hey keep fighting!!

Thank you, Bro!

Yesterday(day 86) I masturbated after what I think to be at least 75 days.
It was good, and I mean really good. I can see the difference. I woke up with a really strong urge. There was a girl I saw the day before and I thought of doing "normal things" with her.
Than I masturbated again and I could see how I was coming closer to porn fantasies. And I can see how masturbation is just an egotistycal act. But the senstation etc. was different I could see the results of no PMO. I'll keep fighting, reading and posting.

I felt being close to relapse, I have been studying a lot, and due to my broken leg I cannot do sport or something, so I'm taking some days of to stay light from study and try to find my balance againg. Need to have mental energy, on fighting this thing and on studying as well.

About studying I saw a lower concentration after masturbating, ever the day after.
So, I'm here and I don't want to relapse, but I wanna keep fighting

Great job on keeping on track and noticing the differences and what you can look forward to.

So it's been 90 days. I think it's great. As I wrote last days I thought to be close to a relapse and I took some time off, to get mental energy again and relax and do better. I wanna get this straight. It's like priority number one. So 90 days are already a lot, but considering my reactions in stressful moments I guess I still need to get cured and to say that porn it's out of my life forever.

I was reading willtochange journal and read about flatline and that got me thinking. Considering my previous attempt to stop my addiction and other streak periods of no PMO I didn't get a flat-flatline, but now I don't feel that my morning wood are strong-strong as have had at the beginning, so this might be like a lighter flatline.

Anyway I am happy of my progress. And I'll be trying to improve my life.

Get better, and better and better.
It's the best way to live the best live ever. 

The last 30 days have been the toughest of my 96 days. I'm realizing there are thought holding me back, making me stand on the verge of relapse. I need to take some time to think about it, about all the reasons I should not fantasize about it and it's the same about masturbation. Today I masturbated again, I think for the 5 or 6th time during my 96 days, 4 of which are on the last 10 15 days. It's something that I need to give up too, hold me back and doesn't allow me to be happy and to prepar me to love a woman as I am called to. And I think I'll start a counter for that.
I think I have not set a time for myself, and for my relationship with God. So I'll be doing this, making a victory plan for this war.

Up the game

Setting up a tracker for MO would be a good idea, keep on going man.

 
I've set a tracker for M, both O/without O. I know I would end up O.
Why this?
This is holding me back into my rebooting and I know I'm doing something selfish. At the end, nothing remains. Makes my concentration go down, as well as my "presence" when I'm around other people, my confidence as well.

Attitude change: during the past months, even before my last relapse I noticed how I find interesting reading the same book again. I think the last time I read a book spontaneously twice it was before porn, so I guess the brain is rewiring well.  8)
The same goes for other things. Looking for a deeper knowledge or relationship.

Anyway day 99, I'm proud 8)