Positive Self Talk

Hi everyone. This is my first post on any recovery forum.  I have been PMOing for around 35 years, give or take a few.  I have also been in and out of recovery (12 step) for porn addiction for around 19 or 20 years.  With poor results.  I think that my best run of "sobriety" was around three months of white knuckling.  This addiction has skillfully guided me into two divorces, a ruined military career, bankruptcy, foreclosure, car repossession, not to mention the isolation and lack of relationships.  I am laying this out here so that I don't kid myself any more.  I am currently in a relationship with the most wonderful woman.  This relationship is in a bad way due to my PMOing.  She did some research on porn addiction, and found "NoFap", "Reboot Nation", and "Your Brain On Porn".  After reading an article called "Unwiring & Rewiring Your Brain: Sensitization and Hypofrontality" on YBOP, I had scientific evidence of how truly insidious this addiction is.

I am currently reading the book "What To Say When You Talk To Yourself" by Shad Helmstetter.  He has written a number of books on positive self talk and how to "reprogram" your own brain to help you achieve whatever you want in life.  What I have read in this book so far has made a lot of sense to me. 

I am wondering if anyone here has heard of the author, the books, or even the concept of positive self talk?  If so, I would love to have a conversation/ share ideas/ share self talk scripts, etc.

Cheers

I would suggest that positive self-talk doesn't work.

Essentially, what we say conflicts with what we actually believe, which makes us feel guilt and shame, rather than those feelings associated to the self-talk instead.

What I believe is a more positive alternative is to take back control over your emotions, rather than finding indirect ways to influence them. What does this mean in practice? It means not taking your urges/emotions personally, almost as if you're comfortable with them.

Because guess what the alternative is? To react and feel further negative emotions, as well as pursue self-destructive behaviours as in this moment, we have now given power to these emotions by reacting to them.

Essentially, it comes down to meditation. It took me 5 years to figure that out. I'm now nearly 5 months clean and I feel on top of the world.

I am a professional classical musician, and my most important teacher emphasized how important it is to talk to ourselves thoughtfully, accurately, and with kindness. He was talking about instructing our bodies to perform the necessary movements to play our instruments, but it also applies to our inner conversation as well.

I would say he encouraged us students to talk to ourselves the way we would to a young child we love dearly.

One other thing I would mention, is how important it is to have time awake, WITHOUT WORDS IN OUR HEADS.

I am lucky, I have music. This is an almost-daily way I get to be in Alpha brain wave mode, without words in my head. This is when, paradoxically, I feel most sane, most wise, and most connected to the universe (there is no "I" when I am in this state).

Athletes must get this, as well as people who meditate. I learn a lot about this state, observing my cat. No words in her head, yet she is happy, loving, and as wise as any being that has ever lived.

Words are a trap. They are magic - they are just meaningless sounds and symbols, but we imbue them with meaning, and suddenly we believe the words in our heads, more than we believe what we see, hear or feel.

There are dangerous ways to get out of the isolation of language (the "I" is a particular trap), such as drugs, booze, sex and P.

Of course, language is an excellent tool. I just have to remind myself, that a shared glance, a holding of hands, or a smile, can convey more communication than 10,000 words.