Hard Mode Journal/Intro

Hi everyone, it takes a lot of courage to join this community and share experiences, so everyone should be proud of themselves for that. It's encouraging to see a forum of support for this type of addiction. I will try to track my progress and share my experience so it may help others.

My turn around was inspired by therapy. I practiced mindfulness to examine my behaviors and found that daily P usage was consuming my lifestyle and damaging my mental and physical health. PMO was just "something I did every day" and one alarm was feeling emotionally empty and physically uncomfortable after PMO. The other factors - thinking about all the time PMO has taken from me, how it mutated my sexual interests, disrupted my own ability to interpret/share my emotions which caused relationships to fail. I felt and still feel disgusted with myself, but I know I am not that person anymore. Our mistakes do not define who we are.

Progress Status: 10+ year P user, almost 30 day hard mode checkpoint
Current physical struggles: terrible insomnia (exhausted), headaches, no appetite
Current mental strugglesdue to insomnia) severe depression, anxiety, self-doubt, self-loathing. I can't recall exact checkpoints along the way because of insomnia, so that is something for me to explore. From what I've read on the forum it seems that insomnia is a common experience along the way, which is helpful to know, especially when every other night is sleepless. I am not tempted to give in to PMO as a remedy for insomnia. I'm telling myself that this is a challenge on the road to recovery. This entry is the best I can do under the circumstances.

Any feedback is welcome. Believe in yourself and believe in therapy. We are not alone in this. thank you.

Some Strategies:
- no alcohol or recreational drugs
- no social media apps or dating apps
- no fast food
- no screen time after 9pm

+ meditate every morning and walk outside
+ eat healthy
+ make time for silence (unplug)
+ read for fun
+ read about acceptance and commitment therapy
+ talk and spend time with friends and family
+ THERAPY

As a partner of someone who has recently entered recovery-I find myself scanning these forums for positive progress or success stories....a lot.
I really admire your approach. Its self directed and mindful. Both extremely important.
Looking forward to following your story!!

Hey PowerUp,

Welcome to the forum. Glad to see that you've taken a major step towards beating your addiction.
You've already taken some great steps and decisions in cutting things from, and adding things to your life.

I hope to read more of you on here to see your progress. Tip; also read other peoples threads to learn that you're not alone and to get some tips and tricks.


Good luck and stay safe

Thank you Shade and Peaceful Healing.

Update: end of streak ("Dry July").

Hi everyone, I'm checking in today because my streak has ended. I gave in to PMO after 36 days. I'm going to share what happened and how I will move forward.

36 Days! My longest streak ever is a major accomplishment for me. Although I "gave in" today, I'm proud of myself for the discipline, focus and awareness that I've demonstrated over the past month. I never told myself that I would quit masturbation or give up porn forever. My goal was to push myself as far as I could go without PMO consuming my time and lifestyle.

How it happened:
Over the past few days I noticed increased cravings for PMO. Last night I fed the craving by taking a few minutes to look at porn, which of course lead to edging. I did this for a few minutes and then caught myself. I then closed all tabs and switched over to Fight the New Drug to read some success stories about giving up porn. However, I gave in to the craving again this morning with more porn and edging for a few minutes. I caught myself again and closed up all tabs so I could start my day. After my morning walk and meditation I jumped in the shower and that's where edging got the best of me, using my imagination.

Seeing porn again made me realize a few things:
1. This [tube] is a playground for the imagination - Literally anything and everything you can think up is searchable and that search is truly endless because of the amount of content.
2. The imagination is never satisfied - Porn is a drug for the brain.
3. Corrupted fantasies - Your idea of what you like is quickly manipulated by watching other people perform. You watch these performers do and say things that distort your personal ideas and values about intimacy. You can only go further down the tube to more twisted content.

These ideas above are my own and they help "wake me up" when I'm feeling tempted.

Positives:
+ I learned that edging and even a little glance at porn is enough to end a streak.
+ I used my imagination instead of porn to complete the act. This is the ideal scenario.
+ If I PMO even once a month that is a lot of progress.
+ I lasted over 30 days without PMO!

Negatives:
- Vulnerable to negative thoughts/feelings
- Slight sense of disappointment, but not nearly as devastating as frequent PMO remorse

Going forward:
I've learned a lot about myself over the past 30 days. I've reflected upon my thoughts/feelings/attitudes/behaviors and struggled with unbearable shame and disgust, insomnia, and feeling like I betrayed myself for years by using PMO to avoid experiences/responsibilities/emotions. This is growth and this is personal development. Old habits die hard. Changing your perspective and creating distance between your present self and that addicted person you once were can be incredibly difficult tasks. Going forward I want to be more conscious of my PMO habits that I know can lead to a setback. Resetting the clock has its advantages too! It allows us to become more mindful as we track our progress. We can steer ourselves away from known triggers and stimuli. We can manage our time to be more productive. We can make a plan.

You've heard it before and it's always worth repeating - don't kick yourself while you're down. You are here reading this because you have an internal struggle that has caused suffering. If you punish yourself with negative thoughts you will defeat yourself. Counteract negativity with actionable plans, interacting with friends, talking with a therapist, and using motivational content.

This is day 0 and it's a new beginning. I hope you feel powered up too!

Learn about your triggers:

For me, stimulating content can trigger my brain to crave old habits with PMO. Despite removing apps or avoiding websites, it's impossible to shield myself from visual stimuli and thoughts. This week the trigger was a flirtatious text that I received from a former partner. When I read the text I remembered the intimacy I shared with that person. I followed these memories and found myself viewing porn images and edging for maybe 20 minutes. I noticed what I was doing and thought about my inner conflict:

1. "I just wanted to see a few pics and enjoy some stimulating thoughts, images and sensations. I didn't actually want to finish."
I'm all too familiar with this type of addictive mindset that wants "just a little bit more" until it's too late - meaning that I finish accidentally or by compulsion. Then I'm left with guilt and shame and self-loathing. This compulsive behavior wants to satisfy my urge to PMO. Noticing the urge is an important checkpoint so that you can understand it and replace it with healthy behavior.

2. "This is a bad habit that is stealing time from me and damaging my mental health and relationships."
I have to continuously remind myself of these consequences to deter me from PMO. I've suffered a lot from this addiction and I've relapsed before. I've been working so hard on self-improvement techniques and lifestyle changes. My hard work is more important than my bad habit. My hard work is healthy and empowering. Tell yourself whatever you need to in order to feel motivated and adopt healthy behavior. I was able to stop the habit so I could meditate and start my day.

These moments of weakness are natural when breaking an addiction. Notice them, observe them and track them if it helps you reflect. Redirect them into healthy behavior like meditating, walking outside and keeping a journal.

End of Streak: 7 days.

Reset. Today is day 0. Over the past few days of edging and peeking I increased the urge to PMO. The urge stayed present for so long because I fed it with stimulating thoughts and visual content. I often "buy into" the idea that the urge will not go away once I've restarted the habits of edging and peeking, and that the only way to calm my thoughts is to finish. I make myself believe that it will be impossible for me to concentrate or interact with women when the urge is not satisfied. So, my approach starting today is to go for a clean streak - no peeking or edging. When I do decide to masturbate again, I want to be using my imagination only for content.

How did I feel during PMO?
I felt torn between satisfying the urge and thinking about my streak and the post PMO remorse. I noticed each habit as it happened - bringing my phone into the bathroom before my shower and using it to view porn. I recognized the patterns of behavior and asked myself if I was ok with giving into bad habits and accepting the psychological consequences. I decided that I would finish and record my experience here to learn from it. I made a deal with myself that I would not allow remorse to cause suffering after PMO. Instead, I am transforming those thoughts of doubt and shame into actionable plans - writing here to reflect and make a plan.

How do I feel now?
I feel slightly disappointed that I gave into my urges after 1 week. I fed those urges with porn, so I really set myself up for failure and psychological pain. Identifying my triggers and risk behavior help me to become more aware of the downward spiral. When I notice an urge, my mind tells me that refusing to masturbate is unhealthy that I'll feel better if I do it. I do not have to buy into this thought. When I notice the urges as thoughts I want to be able to notice them without feeding them. This will take practice. Over time, the urges will decrease in frequency and strength as I distance myself from pornographic material. I noticed this during my longest streak.

What's the plan?
Noticing urges as thoughts. Refusing to buy into those thoughts. Turn those urges into healthy actions like writing it down here. Sharing a small victory like overcoming the urge is helpful for my own confidence and this community.
No peeking or edging. At all. Remembering that my longest streak (and shortest streak) can be attributed to resisting them and that my streaks ended because of them.
Celebrate small victories.