My journey - Mental issues

Mike_1980

Member
Hi Guys,

So I'm starting on this journey to ban this porn addiction for good. I've tried multiple times in the past, but have never called it an addiction before or created a journal for it. I really hope this time it will be for the long run.

First of all, thanks for all the journals that I've read so far. They are an inspiration and I hope mine will be too for other people. Mostly because I experience downsides to this addiction that I've not read so clearly before and would like to point out.

Backstory
38 year old guy, been watching porn regularly since my early teens. Currently in a steady relationship, but experiencing mental downsides which I blame my consumption of porn for partially. I really regret watching so much porn in my formative years as it has formed me mentally all quirkly. Let me explain in the current symptoms.

Current symptoms
[list type=decimal]
[*]I feel like I have low self esteem and feel like girls are superior to me in a way. In fact almost everyone that feels ok with their own sexuality basically feels superior to me. A good example for instance is when my girlfriend mentions some earlier casual experience, I feel less and it makes me very insecure. I can rationalize it all I want, but it doesn't take away the insecurityor bad feeling it gives thinking about it. I don't have this when she talks about earlier experiences in a relationship. That doesn't bother me
[*]I really compare myself a lot with other people and not in a good way. This is connected to the previous point. But you can image that comparing subconciously with the enormous amount of porn I have consumed in my life does not give me a very good feeling about my own sexual confidence
[*]A lot of mood swings and borderline depressing thoughts mostly about my self or negative, angry feelings about my partner (feeling the victim, however unjustified)
[/list]

What do I hope to gain from quiting porn?
[list type=decimal]
[*]Accept, respect and appreciate my partner being a sexual being, with me and with people before me without feeling intimidated by that
[*]Accept, respect en appreciate myself being a sexual being and enjoying this without feeling ashamed, frustrated, angry or confused
[*]Feel better about myself as a person
[/list]

I realize this list of goals is huge and are not only connected to my porn consumption all these years, but I do think a lot is connected to it. I am just afraid that a lot of damage is done beyond repair, mostly during my formative years. But specifically for that reason I'm really curious and excited to go on this journey and ban porn for good!

I started on 29-10-2020 and here's to a porn-free future!

I'm very curious, does anybody else experience these mental downsides? If so, how are you coping? Would love to hear from you!
 

Sanders

Active Member
Welcome!

It seems quite common that porn consumption and self image are closely related. Of course some people are more confident than others but when adding porn whilst already not being super confident it can have very strong effects. I don't know what you were watching but in many cases porn is an environment with perfect looking people having an amazing experience. If you're constantly exposed to other people that look like that it will quite likely hurt your self esteem.

You write that everyone that feels ok with their sexuality seems superior to you, it looks like another connection to porn. This world of porn that is unreachable in a way, you can look at it but it's still not you doing the actions. For example in the case of man-woman porn you're watching another man doing everything, while you're in the backseat. That basically puts you in a lower position than the man and also won't be really helpful to self esteem. Also your own sexual confidence can suffer from that as you write. Another more succesful guy can have these women and gives them the time of their lives. Porn and sex are just such different concepts. For me personally it was an insane difference to have intimacy with my wife before and after she found out about my porn addiction. It felt so much better, more rewarding and in tune. Whereas before sex was some performance where I was under some pressure to follow a certain narrative provided by porn which was focussed on my pleasure. It should just be fun shared between consenting adults, without any pressure to do certain things other than enjoying each other.

Anyways, quiting porn won't magically solve all your problems. I don't know if you have any physical things like PIED or DE, because quiting porn definitely will help that. It'll help you to at least get more control over yourself and learn a bit more who you are. I hope you can find some new ways to look at yourself and work on your self esteem. Porn messes up a lot in our heads, now it's time to make some own choices for you :)

All the best of luck!
 

SebUK

Active Member
Some good advice above!

I also suffer from low self-esteem. I have been working on it for the last six months and it's slowly improving. I expect this improvement is helping me with my current 'clean streak' which is about 5 weeks now. You may want to read some books on self-esteem? The author I read is called Nathaniel Branden. He's great.
 

Mike_1980

Member
Hi Guys, thanks very much for your feedback and advice.

I do agree that porn addiction is not the root of the other issues, but it doesn't help either. I am on a mission to improve on these points and I guess part of the reboot process is also focussing on improving your life and rituals. I've been struggling with these mental things for a long time now, but co?ncidentally I found out yeterday evening it has an actual name and defintion of what I experience: retroactive jealousy.

There's quite some literature and guides for it, so I'll have a look into that and try to actively combine the two things. Wouldn't it be great to use that spare time from not watching porn into actively fix other problems?

Congrats on the 5 week streak Seb and thanks for the reading tip.
 
[list type=decimal]
[*]I feel like I have low self esteem and feel like girls are superior to me in a way. In fact almost everyone that feels ok with their own sexuality basically feels superior to me. A good example for instance is when my girlfriend mentions some earlier casual experience, I feel less and it makes me very insecure. I can rationalize it all I want, but it doesn't take away the insecurity or bad feeling it gives thinking about it. I don't have this when she talks about earlier experiences in a relationship. That doesn't bother me
[*]I really compare myself a lot with other people and not in a good way. This is connected to the previous point. But you can image that comparing subconsciously with the enormous amount of porn I have consumed in my life does not give me a very good feeling about my own sexual confidence
[*]A lot of mood swings and borderline depressing thoughts mostly about my self or negative, angry feelings about my partner (feeling the victim, however unjustified)
[/list]

I can be very reflective at times and often have issues with self-confidence, which have been exacerbated during lockdown. However, I have never thought all that much about superiority insomuch as something to reflect on or write about in my journal. Upon reading the above thoughts of yours, it did make me think about how I would often view others as superior to me in some way, and often not in a positive context such as someone I would look up to or aspire to be like. At no point would I ever think to approach a girl who I deemed superior to me ('superiority' based on no tangible evidence of superiority whatsoever). Thinking about my extremely limited romantic experiences, I have definitely viewed the girls I have been with as better or worse than me. In my day-to-day life I am highly non-judgemental and accepting of others but i was definitely judgemental in relation to intimate female relationships. Not once have I viewed the girl as my equal, I don't think.

And regarding mood swings, up until March I was in a place in my life (particularly from a workplace perspective) that I could be exactly who and what I wanted to be - i.e. just be me. When I was happy I was outwardly happy, when I was angry I vented my frustration and when I was sad I didn't pretend otherwise. It was wonderful to work somewhere and be with a great bunch of people where I didn't need to bottle up my emotions. These shows of emotions were not mood swings, they were just me reacting and behaving in the way someone should when they feel happy, sad, tired, angry, confused, frustrated etc.  Since lockdown though, I have been working from home the entire time, with a four month block of furlough leave wedged in the middle, and I've had a lot more time to spend with my thoughts. I don't have mood swings but saying that, my mood never really changes. I am generally positive and happy, although the lockdown is steadily taking its toll. However, one thing I would say is when left to my own devices, thoughts that I have are generally negative: I look at my friends' situations (all partnered up and living with their partners), I look at my singleton life and how it has no chance of altering for quite some time yet, if it ever will. And OH MY GOD do these negative thoughts intensify whenever I slip and PMO; sometimes it's a week before I start thinking positively again (both during the day and when in bed at night).

Anyway, I won't monopolise any more of your journal. And your comments about superiority / inferiority have certainly made me think and I'll definitely be writing a journal entry of my own on this.

Welcome! and all the best!
 

Mike_1980

Member
Hi Happydude,

Thanks for your thoughts and openess about the way you look to other people. I realise I'm a bit different wired than most other people. It's very recognizable that negative thinking do increase after PMO. I heard a podcast this week about the biological influence of orgasm by Marnia Robinson. Perhaps that would be something that would interest you. She also has a book out called 'Cupid's poisoned arrow'. I don't think as extreme as her, but she does have some interesting points she makes. Especially if you take the additional shame and guild trip into account after PMO.

I'll be reading your log!
 

Mike_1980

Member
So that was week 1, a very interesting week I must say.

First of all Right at the start I discovered that I am suffering from what is called "retroactive jealousy". I fucking love that I discovered that there is a term for it, with clear symptoms and that I'm not the only one out there. I have spend years thinking I was an idiot and blaiming myself and my porn use for being the way I am wired. Knowing that I'm not the only one and getting validated really helps me to structure my thoughts and classify my behaviour with a name and therefore make it easier to 'park my thoughts'.

I've tried to come up with a list of areas where I want to improve myself for the coming months. Not setting goals, but ambitions. Why not goals? Because I firmly believe expecting something leads to dissapointment when expectations are not met. When setting ambitions, every activity set towards this is profit.

So I have spent this week reading two books. One work related and one called 'becoming clitteral', a book about getting beter at sex. Seeing as sex is one of my insecurities, why not recognize this and get better at it. (spoiler alert: oh yes, the missus really noticed).

I had two hard moments this week of possible relaps, sitting alone at my computer (since it's also my hobby). It was very interesting to notice how my brain/body works. I did see some pictures and felt the urge to increase my search, finding new and additional things. It was very interesting to observe, almost mindful, what this does to you and how this works. I am happy with that distant observation, making sure to stop it in time without judgement.

Oh I also configured OpenDNS for my router. Really works well and also prevents stuff for my kids from all devices at once.

Hello week 2!
 

Mike_1980

Member
Taht was week 2. Quite a good one for most of the time. I picked up boxing as a new hobby and outlet for my energy and to challenge myself. I also downloaded headspace again. Something that I did a while ago and had lots of benefits from in the past.

There were some hards times this week with not feeling too well. A bit of low self esteem going hand in hand with some really good days too. Quite the rollercoaster.

I did look at porn one night without M. It was tough. I noticed some elevated heartbeats and excitement. I really should not have done that, but I try not to make it a too big deal in my head. I'm on the road to recovery and that road is paved with challenges. There's no benefit in being too hard on yourself when you've had a peak. Even though that makes it the second week that I'm not able to not completely not look at porn. So the challenge for this week is clear, but also hard: this week i'm way too often alone. Perhaps not being behind the computer in my spare time is the spartan way of doing it. Not being tempted by simply not being able to physically...
 
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