I was uncovered by a loved one recently, that revealed that I watch porn and had hidden twitter pages with porn all over it. I was scared, ashamed and terrified by it. I lied about it claiming that it wasn't me and I didn't know where it came from. That night I went to bed and slept for about an hour or so until I started to feel anxious and even more terrified. I spent the night trying to figure out if I could lie my way out of this mess. The longer I laid there the more and more that I knew I had to tell the truth, and that I didn't want to lie about it anymore. So the next day I confessed that it was indeed all mine and that I was a coward and lied about it the night before.
Wanting to be better
- Thread starter EKoty
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stepbystep
Active Member
Hi Buckeye, congrats on posting and starting a journal! There are a lot of resources in these forums but also check out the yourbrainonporn website for very useful information. I know exactly how embarrassing and tough it is to be discovered by a loved one. I also has that experience but it happened in my teenage years when my parents found out about my porn use. It was devastating but I recovered from those feeling soon after. Maybe you can look at it positively that this allowed you to look deeper and realize that you want to stop. This allowed you to post here and start your journey. I want to hear more about your story on porn use over time and whether you've tried to stop before. Good luck on this journey - you are on the right path.
beautywaytraveler
Member
Hello BuckeyeGuy,
The fact that you reacted like you did is proof that you watching P is not right, and you are aware of it. You stepped up and told the truth. This is a great foundation. It will be very good not to lie to yourself during the reboot.
I wish you the best!
The fact that you reacted like you did is proof that you watching P is not right, and you are aware of it. You stepped up and told the truth. This is a great foundation. It will be very good not to lie to yourself during the reboot.
I wish you the best!
The last time I watched porn was Oct 23 of this year. I have been surprised at the lack of desire to really watch porn. I have moments where I think about watching but I feel like doing the research and talking about it, keep bringing it up. It is weird, its like now that the truth is out there my desire to watch it has been diminished. I feel that the more I looked at porn the more ashamed of it, and the content that I watched, made me drive it deep down inside rather than deal with it. It feels like the more I speak about it with my loved one that the pressure has been taken off. I know I am far from over dealing with this, I just hope that I can take it one day at a time.
benb
Member
Hello Buck,
You've just started the journey on a very strong note: you've stopped lying to yourself and to your loved ones. From now on, you can build on this foundation to stay truthful in your battle against PMO. A lot of P addicts shared their story on this forum, but also the tools they are using on a daily basis to fight their addiction. Read others story and get familiar with what you can do to battle the urges that will come.
I would like to learn more about your background. Would you be so kind to share with us what is your history and profile as a P addict? For my part, I found that this first step was really helpful to better understand my situation. And do use any form of languages you deem necessary for the matter.
Safe journey bro!
You've just started the journey on a very strong note: you've stopped lying to yourself and to your loved ones. From now on, you can build on this foundation to stay truthful in your battle against PMO. A lot of P addicts shared their story on this forum, but also the tools they are using on a daily basis to fight their addiction. Read others story and get familiar with what you can do to battle the urges that will come.
I would like to learn more about your background. Would you be so kind to share with us what is your history and profile as a P addict? For my part, I found that this first step was really helpful to better understand my situation. And do use any form of languages you deem necessary for the matter.
Safe journey bro!
It has been 11 days, or 264 hours, 15,840 minutes or 950,400 seconds since the last time I watched porn. I have to say that I feel lighter now. My loved one has been so kind to me during all of this and I don't know how I am so lucky for that. Having this out in the open has been good for me. I hope that anyone else that is wondering if they should reveal this to others would do so. I hope that they support you through it and help you out. I have had friends that have admitted publicly that they have issues with P, I don't think I am ready for everyone in a room to know, but I know that I need to get over myself and not worry so much about what others think. I am sure that, that is part of what drove me to hide my addiction to begin with. It is what made me go to P that doesn't match my actual desires in life. I felt that the more taboo it was the more exciting it was. Well here is to 1 more day, 24 more hours, 1,440 more minutes and 86,400 more seconds all of them 1 at a time!
Day 17 here and I am proud to say my loved one is starting to hold my hand again. This is a big thing for us, as we are almost always touching. It has been harder to not touch than to not watch P. I hope I am beginning this journey on the right steps, so that I don't just wait until things seem better just to go back to P. I am trying to stay busy just so I don't have the down time to want to look at P. Here is to another day!
Day 21, I spent some time yesterday with someone I hope will be an accountability partner during this time for me. We have discussed a few books we will start to read together and discuss. I feel proud that I spoke to someone else about myself and P. It wasn't quite as hard as I thought it would be, turns out he himself has dealt with P in his past. So luckily we will have some common ground to build from. He has been very open so far, I am eager to see where things go in that direction. I had a small argument with my loved one the other night and I felt that desire to want to go to P instead of working on myself. Luckily this time I was able to stave off the craving and not give in, but it surprised me how quickly I wanted to revert back to old habits. Here is to one more day!
Having a good day today, just busy at work like normal. Had a few compliments from customers so that helped relax me. Most importantly my loved one is still here and is willing to stand by me as I earn back trust. I know it will frustrate me at time when my loved one doesn't always trust what I am saying is the truth. I know I have to be overly patient and not react like I would normally. I caused this rift and now I have to slowly fill it back in so we can stand together. I have to show my loved one that I am committed to this.
It is day 27 now, and still going strong. Had some tough times this week arguing with my loved one over what was little things masking the larger problem. The larger problem being that my loved one wasn't sure I wanted change. So little things caught fire from that issue and made us both frustrated with everything. A few touchy conversations and just saying that I don't want to go back to P seems to have lowered the flames a little. I know that the journey is just beginning, but I hope to earn back the trust I once had. This time it will be true and not just a lie.
Had a good weekend relaxing with my loved one, it was nice to have a former sense of who we used to be. We laid on the couch and took a nap in the middle of the day, just what we needed. She has been very supportive during this journey, I am very lucky to have someone care so much to stay and give me extra reasons for wanting to be better. We will be separated from family this holiday which will be a little tough on both of us, but it will also allow us to not share everything with family. I hope that all of you have a great Thanksgiving and that you take a moment even if it is private to be thankful for being here as well.
It's day 34 and I am not sure if it is getting easier or it is just the same and I'm making the decision to not give in like I used to. Does it feel lighter to you? How do you know when things are getting better? Does it ever really get "better" or is it just a matter of not giving in when? Will I always think about P or will there be days that I don't, that become weeks that become months? These are some of the questions that have been on my mind lately. I hope that things continue to move in the direction that they are and I hope that some day it gets better!
Day 46, it seems like things feel same as any other day. There are still pulls and temptations to look at p or want to. I feel stagnant in that I wish that the temptations or pulls would be less at this point. Will this pull always be here? How do I move to true freedom? If only there was some answer, even if it wasn't as easy as I would like, I just want to know that it is going some where. My frustrations bother me some times, and my frustration make me want to view p. It is like this cycle where I don't view p and then I get frustrated that I still some times want to and then the frustration exacerbate my desire. I feel like I am fighting harder now than I was earlier on. What other changes do I need to make? Well here is to pushing on and through that frustration and hoping to find a brighter day.
It has been 52 days, it is crazy to say that. And yet there are still plenty of trials, I know tomorrow will be tough as I will be alone for most of the day because of the lockdown. I already had thoughts of saying well what would one look hurt, I know I need to stay strong and if it gets worse I will have to reach out to my accountability partner for advice. One of the few things I know is that deep down I don't want to watch p. I have to just make it through the day as a way of showing me I can do it. Just one hour at a time. I hope you all have a great holiday!
It has been a tough few days trying to stay away from P. My thoughts have been all over the place between not going to P and running after P. I have been playing scenarios through my head that never happened in person like I was in P. My fantasy takes over some times and I find myself rock hard and unable to fall asleep right away but I just try to give those thoughts over to someone else and hope that I can find my way through the forest. It seems so long as my hands are busy with something else I can keep them from being busy with wanting to find my own pleasure. I really want to be able to push through to the New Year and feel like I am starting from a firm foundation and not tripping myself over the line. I know I am far from finished with this, but I just really want to be able to make it through this month, it is just a few days I tell myself.
recovery000
Member
Hey BuckeyeGuy,
I hear you man. These struggles can be very strong. 54+ days is great progress and shows that it is possible to say no to P. In general, saying no to pleasures that do not lead to a greater good, is a sign of maturity and real masculinity. In our current world, it is hard to shape up oneself in that direction, because there is little need to do so. It just comes up to our inner desire (and call) to be better men. Becoming better not for one's sake, but for others. The world need real masculine men that are able to say no to ourselves in order to say yes to a greater good. Stay strong, hold on to a firm motivation, and merry Christmas.
I hear you man. These struggles can be very strong. 54+ days is great progress and shows that it is possible to say no to P. In general, saying no to pleasures that do not lead to a greater good, is a sign of maturity and real masculinity. In our current world, it is hard to shape up oneself in that direction, because there is little need to do so. It just comes up to our inner desire (and call) to be better men. Becoming better not for one's sake, but for others. The world need real masculine men that are able to say no to ourselves in order to say yes to a greater good. Stay strong, hold on to a firm motivation, and merry Christmas.
Thanks Recovery000, those words of encouragement are needed and received. It has been a tough few days, I almost slipped into some old habits over the weekend, that could have lead into something bad, but I was able to stop myself with the help of some blocking software to keep it from being bad. It was like once I realised that the software would flag something to my accountability partner, I froze and shut it all down. I just have been worried about sending a card to my father who I haven't spoken to in more than 7 years. I just need to give that worry over to someone stronger than I am and trust in that power.