Rebooting for Life

Hi guys,

My name's Ben, 34 years old from Canada. I've been with my wife for over ten years now and have a 3 years old daughter.

I began watching porn around the age of 14 or 15, but can't remember precisely. I have been struggling with PMO addiction for about 15 years now. During the last two years, I read a lot of books on the matter (e.g., Church, 2014; Fradd, 2017; Maltz & Maltz, 2008; Skinner, 2005; Wilson, 2014) and it made me realize that what I was struggling with was real. When I started my first reboot, I was able to achieve a ten-month streak. But I have relapse two or three times since then. Now working remotely from home (COVID-19 pandemic), I have found that it is really harder to achieve no PMO just by myself.

In short, I am trying to combine as much different methods as I can to stop my porn addiction. My recent participation on this forum is another solution I found to continue my no PMO journey. Here is my current motivation to fight and achieve my battle against PMO:

1. PMO impairs my day-to-day productivity;
2. I don't want to feel the resentment and pain of starting all over again from day 1;
3. Habituation to PMO seems to lead up to the development of extreme and deviant tastes, which I found really disturbing;
4. PMO drastically limits my capacity to enjoy the little things in life;
5. Porn ideals do not exist in real life;
6. Don't want to spend overly long period of time on porn again.

If anyone want to discuss, I am open to chat with you guys

P.s. I will try to update you on my journey around one to two times a week.

Best regards,

Ben

Hi Ben!
All of those motivators are spot on mate!
Its really terrifying when you list it all down and see just what normal everyday things have been raped away from us due to this addiction.
But on the positive side you have now found the cure! A lot of guys dont even KNOW about it and go through their lives like a pig rolling in shit.
Also the fact that you have a young daughter, what  little girl wants a porn feind for a father?!
Stick around here and get your questions asked and have a browse of the forums, Im positive you will get the help you need

Hi, Ben.

Listing a list of benefits is helpful. But how does the benefit of increased productivity compare with the benefit of you being a better father to your daughter? Or instead of better should I say, your authentic self. Becoming your real authentic self and not this hybrid between real authentic self and the Porn overlays?

Wish you all the best on your journey.

EW

Thanks guy for your replies!

Indeed, becoming a better father should be number one on my short list. Thanks for pointing it out to me!

Hello benb,

Welcome to the forums. You are capable of great change. You have made a huge step in the right direction asking for help, and opening yourself up to discussion about your addiction. The only way is forward. The path is not smooth and it is often times not visible, but it is there. You will need time to be able to feel the joys of the little things in life. If it doesn't come about immediately, that's okay. The path is not always visible.

I wish you and your family continued growth!

Today, I noticed that my motivation seems deeply ingrained in the continuous flow of my thoughts. For instance, when I focus on a task that engages me (e.g., working outside, training, reading a book on a topic that I like, etc.),  it fosters in me positive and sane thoughts, instead of the bullshit I am usually telling myself when I am surfing on the web searching for my next porn fix. Maybe I do have to focus more on my thoughts and how to distract myself, well, at least for the first few days..

Day 2: Yesterday, I had a lot of porn-related thoughts and fantasy that crossed my mind. In the past, I noticed that the first few days are harder to get through. These days, my thinking is mostly dominated by porn and it seems that my brain is trying to recreate plotlines that I am craving for. Also, I have weird kind of thoughts that do not conform with my normal sex life, but rather are distorted for the most part and make me feel guilty or anxious. Does this kind of thinking has impacted some of you in the past?

It takes a lot of power to bring a raging train to a halt. We stop fueling the engines but the train's momentum keeps it going. That momentum is our thoughts. The thoughts are common to all P addicts in recovery. What is not common is how we react to them. Many people have many different ways of handling them. Find what feels right, and stop that train!

I wish you continued growth.

Ben B. said:

Day 2: Yesterday, I had a lot of porn-related thoughts and fantasy that crossed my mind. In the past, I noticed that the first few days are harder to get through. These days, my thinking is mostly dominated by porn and it seems that my brain is trying to recreate plotlines that I am craving for. Also, I have weird kind of thoughts that do not conform with my normal sex life, but rather are distorted for the most part and make me feel guilty or anxious. Does this kind of thinking has impacted some of you in the past?

Click to expand...

I did not feel guilty or anxious because of sexual fantasies. But I think you are probably not alone with such feelings.

Be aware that every fantasy is OK. Also to act it out when both persons are okay with it and when it is legal.

Thanks for the comments. Everyday, it makes me grow a little bit more

I understand that to fantasize about sex is okay, even perfectly fine. I think my fantasies respect what I like and do not like (even though, it's been a while since I haven't experienced fantasies that could be purely the product of my imagination, and not some by-product of 10 to 15 years of P consumption).

Nevertheless, I want to go over P in order to be able to manage those urges and not be a slave to them (you konw, having to fap every time they arise). I read a couple of books about automatic thinking and, in my case (and probably the case of many who've been consuming P for several years), this is a effect of pronography the reboot will help me overcome.

By the way, like the analogy with the "raging train" and the ever-constant flow of thoughts crossing the mind.

Day 4-5: As far as I'm concerned, the fifth day-period is when my mind is slowly getting back to "regular porn addict-mode". My mind craves for a relapse and tries to trivialize things. Sentences like these cross my mind over and over again, and I have identified them as my dominant trigger for relapse:

"At 34 years old, it is ridiculous that you try to stop viewing porn. You are in your prime. Why waste such a good time?"
"Everybody does it. It is perfectly normal and most sexologists and sex therapists are saying it is a totally natural practice"
"My girlfriend and I do not have the same libidinal level. Therefore, I can achieve satisfying sexuality by bingeing in P from time to time"
"My fetishes are nothing out of the ordinary, and do not hurt anybody. In other words, the're harmless"
"I had a good day's work. It is time to reward myself" OR "I had the worst day ever. P will soothe the pain"

Hi Ben,
Yeah those thoughts that have crossed your mind is your addiction trying to trick you into feeding it. those silly reasonings and lame assurances that you tell yoursefl, its really quite scary. But just ignore them and do what you know is right!

These are exactly the kind of thoughts and beliefs in my mind that go through my head multiple times during the day. And yes, I also get P cravings during the day and my brain creating plot lines. What I just realized is this may never actually go away completely, although the thought pattern will get weaker and weaker and occur fewer and fewer times with increased time away from it. I?ve come to accept that as an addict and that helps me manage it better. Just a few minutes ago, I felt the urges to search P, but I came here instead and got strength from your journal.

I agree with you stepbystep. This will probably never go away. But learning to deal with it makes it easier on a daily basis.

For me, the cravings are ponctual and do not arise on a regular basis. It is like being surprised by something. I think it would be correct on my part to label them as automatic thoughts. Just yesterday, I was in my car going to the grocery store and saw a beautiful young woman doing her afternoon run. Just this simple fact plunged me in a cascade of P thoughts. But I got away from this track by rationalizing and working hard on my interior dialogue: "This is my addiction speaking. I can be happy without it and live a fulfilling life by fighting my urges. Porn scenarios are fictitious and imaginary". It was quite tough for me to do so, but it is doable. 

Day 8: My thoughts are somewhat clearer. I am a little less harassed by occasional urges to indulge in PMO. Nevertheless, yesterday, I had a couple of moments where I had to fight hard to stay on the right track. This week, my sleep was horrible. I think it was in part due to the fact that I used to PMO before going to bed. This was acting like "sleeping pills" for me. Now that I have stop PMO and masturbation all together, I am little bit more stressed before night time. Along with other stressful agents in my life these days (i.e., lot of work, deadlines to meet, sleeping on the couch from time to time, waking up in the middle of the night to look after my daughter), not taking my "sleep aid" has given me severe back pain.

Does someone ever heard of psychosomatic symptoms associated with stopping PMO?

Thanks for your support guys, beginning to see the light at the end of that dark tunnel (again)! 

Day 11: The urges are much more sparse than they used to be at the beginning of the reboot. Interestingly, I find it easier to stay in my office alone during the day, in comparison with going out doing my errands. One reason maybe because going out exposes me to a lot of beautiful women everywhere and this surely means that I am far from totally cured. I do feel quite vulnerable to a relapse still. But I think, every day that passes makes it easier.

Day 13: I have downloaded a monitoring app called "Iron will". This is supposed to help me be grateful to myself and keep up with the progress. These last couple of days, I did some research to try and identify other methods that I could coupled with the tools I currently use, in order to maximize my probabilities of not relapsing. Other than using monitoring apps, keeping a journal, using a porn-blocker on my laptop, and reading posts on the forum, does anybody has other suggestions of methods that I could use on a day-to-day basis to fight urges and overcome PMO?

Thanks for your help.

BennyB. said:

Day 13: I have downloaded a monitoring app called "Iron will". This is supposed to help me be grateful to myself and keep up with the progress. These last couple of days, I did some research to try and identify other methods that I could coupled with the tools I currently use, in order to maximize my probabilities of not relapsing. Other than using monitoring apps, keeping a journal, using a porn-blocker on my laptop, and reading posts on the forum, does anybody has other suggestions of methods that I could use on a day-to-day basis to fight urges and overcome PMO?

Thanks for your help.

Click to expand...

That's great you're using helpful apps! I will also check out iron will. One thing that helps me is going to online slaa meetings. It's a chat meeting but since it is live with people sharing, it makes it more powerful and a good reminder for me. Of course, it's not for everyone because of the religious view of the 12 steps. While I'm not really religious, it still helps me as a support group. Something to consider if you're open to that .

Thank you stepbystep for your input. Today, my mood is at an all-time low, so I am open to anything. Online chat SLAA meetings seem a good idea and I will try it next week.

Day 15: Today, I have experienced my biggest trigger to date. Being at the lowest point in my mood, because of the strict confinement rules here in Quebec (Canada), I have serious urges. Dialogues that goes through my mind looks like this: "You did 15 days and your are more depressed then when you were consuming P. Why continue such a pain in the ass reboot?" This kind of thoughts drives me in thinking about lot of stuff that was (and still is, I assume) arousing me (all kind of fetishes that I developed throughout the years). This afternoon, it was like a train at full speed. I was all over the place. I had several moments where I was literaly in the "red" zone, like a few mouse clicks away from relapse.

Anyway, wanted to share this with you guys.

Hi Ben,

Hang in there! It's part of the process feeling low. That's one of the withdrawal symptoms. Our beliefs can be a big problem as I can say for myself. I'm going through the exact same triggering thoughts today as well. My mind is saying "porn is normal and normal people do it." But the truth is it is a completely an illusion. Relapsing is going to make us feel terrible: more low than we are now. Maybe this is a good time to read out your motivations and the things you are grateful for. I'm going to do that now on my journal.

But the truth is it is a completely an illusion.

Click to expand...

Beautifully said Stepbystep.

BennyB. If it will get overwhelming, I think a MO without P is a better option than viewing P and then PMOing. But hoping you can get trough the weekend without P and MO.

Keep it up.
EW