This is day 0 (again). But I am as committed as I ever was.
I'm a 31 years old male, that watches (watched!!!!) porn almost daily since 13 years old.
I know I have a compulsive addiction to internet since yearly ages. I used to spend hours and hours playing games. It was not uncommon to spend 12h, 14h, 16h, even 18h playing in a row in a weekday.
I have a non-meritocrat luck. I am healthy, not A good looking guy, but a fairly C+, that can communicate well and have always been labeled as smart. I have a strong career and after my 21 years old, could frequently get some ok-looking girls.
However, I suffer deeply inside my head. I think about my addictions every day, and I bring myself down constantly. After being promoted almost every year in my career, I got fired, for the first time, last month. I have so little energy, so little desire to accomplish anything, no goals in life a t all.
THE GOOD STEPS:
I tried to stop gaming many times. More than I can count. Than, when I finished college and could not get a job after over 30 interviews (and like I said, was supposed to be smart and have communication skills), I realised that I was not even getting to know the companies and preparing myself for interviews, because I was too busy playing Dota.
Then I made the strongest commitment in my life until this day: I would play my last game of Dota in December 31th of 2014.
I did that, and I'm clean until this day. I spent the new years eve on the shower, while all my friends were in parties, and my mom understood nothing why I would not even spend with friends or family. This was a very important passage ritual, where I was giving up my favorite party that only happens once a year, to get, literally, clean. It did work!
I still have a problem with other games. But the worst is gone. So I know that it is possible!
I'm almost a regular controlled guy in this matter. Still, my number 1 goal for this semesters is spend less than one hour on gaming, per day. Every day that I fail (one until now), I have to donate 25 bucks to the political party that I hate most.
THE HARD STEP:
Now is porn time. I also tried to stop more times that I can count. I downloaded softwares, I made promises, even bets, I tried a lot. I made it for some weeks some times, and even started to get random bonners (it gave me so much joy!!), but I always felt into the brain trap over and over again. I just failed too many times. We cannot underestimate this brain power. It is so strong.
I have a real girlfriend now, for the first time since 20 years old. And we barely have sex. Less than once a month. I can only do it with the help of medication (she doesn't know that). I feel so much worst because of her. She deserves better. I almost ended a relationship that is the best thing I got, just because I cannot satisfy her. I feel no grin for sex anymore, and also none for life.
So it led me to this topic, and I always knew that porn was an important issue. Now, after studying and reading so much, I realised that porn is THE issue. For me at least.
So this is the first time that I am admitting to myself. I am a porn addict. And this post, is the first public declaration of my condition, and desire to stop. I failed over 30 times, but I had succeed once. And this is the time again.
I just made a commitment taking the bath. Using this powerful ritual again. And making it stronger writing about it, getting it out for the first time. I had never talked about it with anyone. But now it is out there. And I am starting the walk:
I will not watch any porn for the rest of the year.
This is just day 0. Let's make it happen!
I'm a 31 years old male, that watches (watched!!!!) porn almost daily since 13 years old.
I know I have a compulsive addiction to internet since yearly ages. I used to spend hours and hours playing games. It was not uncommon to spend 12h, 14h, 16h, even 18h playing in a row in a weekday.
I have a non-meritocrat luck. I am healthy, not A good looking guy, but a fairly C+, that can communicate well and have always been labeled as smart. I have a strong career and after my 21 years old, could frequently get some ok-looking girls.
However, I suffer deeply inside my head. I think about my addictions every day, and I bring myself down constantly. After being promoted almost every year in my career, I got fired, for the first time, last month. I have so little energy, so little desire to accomplish anything, no goals in life a t all.
THE GOOD STEPS:
I tried to stop gaming many times. More than I can count. Than, when I finished college and could not get a job after over 30 interviews (and like I said, was supposed to be smart and have communication skills), I realised that I was not even getting to know the companies and preparing myself for interviews, because I was too busy playing Dota.
Then I made the strongest commitment in my life until this day: I would play my last game of Dota in December 31th of 2014.
I did that, and I'm clean until this day. I spent the new years eve on the shower, while all my friends were in parties, and my mom understood nothing why I would not even spend with friends or family. This was a very important passage ritual, where I was giving up my favorite party that only happens once a year, to get, literally, clean. It did work!
I still have a problem with other games. But the worst is gone. So I know that it is possible!
I'm almost a regular controlled guy in this matter. Still, my number 1 goal for this semesters is spend less than one hour on gaming, per day. Every day that I fail (one until now), I have to donate 25 bucks to the political party that I hate most.
THE HARD STEP:
Now is porn time. I also tried to stop more times that I can count. I downloaded softwares, I made promises, even bets, I tried a lot. I made it for some weeks some times, and even started to get random bonners (it gave me so much joy!!), but I always felt into the brain trap over and over again. I just failed too many times. We cannot underestimate this brain power. It is so strong.
I have a real girlfriend now, for the first time since 20 years old. And we barely have sex. Less than once a month. I can only do it with the help of medication (she doesn't know that). I feel so much worst because of her. She deserves better. I almost ended a relationship that is the best thing I got, just because I cannot satisfy her. I feel no grin for sex anymore, and also none for life.
So it led me to this topic, and I always knew that porn was an important issue. Now, after studying and reading so much, I realised that porn is THE issue. For me at least.
So this is the first time that I am admitting to myself. I am a porn addict. And this post, is the first public declaration of my condition, and desire to stop. I failed over 30 times, but I had succeed once. And this is the time again.
I just made a commitment taking the bath. Using this powerful ritual again. And making it stronger writing about it, getting it out for the first time. I had never talked about it with anyone. But now it is out there. And I am starting the walk:
I will not watch any porn for the rest of the year.
This is just day 0. Let's make it happen!
