Back again

I've been in and out of this forum for two years, and haven't been here for a couple of months.  In that time I started therapy with a PsyD who specializes in compulsive behavior and porn addiction.  I want to reach real sobriety, not just abstinence, but I know that to be sober I have to reach abstinence.  For me this is more than just rebooting with the goal of solving ED problems.  I've had a problem with porn for over 50 years, and I just want it out of my life.

Right now I'm on a good, solid Day 7 of abstinence.  My therapist has given me a lot of insight into my internal struggles and has specifically given me a couple of good, useful tools for immediately dealing with the urges that hit me every 3 to 4 days.  I found a reply to my accountability request in my mailbox this morning, and hope that I will have a partner in this forum that I can communicate with regularly.

Finally, I've been talking with my wife about all of this.  We have some difficult times ahead of us in dealing with the deception I've dealt her and the fears it has caused her, but she told me she is with me in this and that she wants to work with me in making our relationship what it should be.

That's about all I could ask for. Today I will monitor my emotional state at least 3 times during the day to see if I have any vulnerabilities, I will review my core values and how I have tried to live them, and I will take preemptive steps to reduce vulnerability to urges I may experience. This will help me to remain abstinent today and help to strengthen my sober state.

A few minutes ago I had a strong urge to act out. I found out I would be alone in the house for several hours. I haven't had any urges at all for a full week, which is an improvement for me, and I tried a technique my therapist gave me, which worked very well. I just wanted to throw that out.  I'm feeling fine right now, and am leaving the house for a safer environment.

NoFear,

So good to have you back! Your challenges sound so familiar.

The positive step is that you are working forward and have a support network in place with your therapy and the support fro your wife. That is great!

We are behind you all the way!

Peace

Here I am on Day 9, and at this moment I feel strong.  Last night my wife and I had a long phone call which was very productive and supportive. She's out of town for another two weeks and we're just beginning to work on this together. I just told her recently what's going on, and we decided to use letters to communicate and then follow up with phone calls. That's really good for me, because it helps me articulate issues, details, and feelings more accurately when I can see them in writing. It's harder for me to be myself in print. Right now my wife is compartmentalizing her processing of our situation into her logical, intellectual side and doing research into open addiction specifically. (We both have a pretty good knowledge of drug and alcohol addiction through our previous relationships and study). That helps her to be supportive to me, and helps both of us in our commitment to get through this together. Anyway, I'm very grateful to have her for a partner, and telling you about her makes me want to protect and improve what we have even more.

You are lucky to have a partner that supports you.  It takes immense courage to be where you are.

For me, being alone is a trigger.  I don't know if your wife being away for two weeks will present any difficulties.  I find that getting out of the house and exercising can really help.

What is the technique your therapist recommended to you?

uncreatedlight said:

What is the technique your therapist recommended to you?

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My therapist told me to try this every time I sense the beginning of an urge: simply tighten each and every muscle I can as hard as I can, including holding my breath, and hold for 10 full seconds. It will supposedly somehow reset your system and help you to think more clearly long enough to see what's going on and take whatever steps you need to in order to get on track. All I know is that it seems to work for me! Today I'm on Day 10. For about 3 months I couldn't go more than 3-4 days without severe urges. I've been doing this and haven't had any urges progress beyond a fleeting thought.
Today I woke up feeling a little off balance, and I had a feeling it could be the prelude to an urge. Luckily I had plans with a friend to drive up to a state forest to spend the day hiking. It got me in contact with another person (helps me not be centered on me) and close to nature. Both helped me hold an attitude of gratitude. Plus, just before bed last night my wife and I spent some time on the phone working on "us" issues.
Another thing my therapist and I worked out is reducing the opportunity to act out. Anytime I'm alone with a computer I am  at risk. When my wife is in town, overnight is no problem, but when she's away, I'm very rigid about putting my electronics out in the car overnight. During the day my computer is in the car and I use it at the library or at Starbucks. It turns out I don't need to be on it nearly as much as I used to. Who knew?? Now my therapist is having me work on a "mission statement" on my recovery, which I will use as a mantra of sorts during my meditation sessions.  Finally, I promised my wife that there would be NO MORE slips that I don't tell her about immediately. Right now things are ok, and I'm happy with that.  That's all for now. Good luck, everyone.

Nice work.    I've been focusing on the RAIN technique: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/simple-and-powerful-tool-yale-professor-judson-brewer-recommends-skilfully-handling-our-urges  Instead of trying to fight urges, I am just aware of them and let them pass.

This reinforces the approach I've been reading about in some of Jiddu Krishnamurti's writings recently.

Spending as much time around other people as possible helps me too.  The state park sounds perfect.

I would recommend listening to the podcast at the top of the Partner section in the sticky area with your wife.  It is well worth the listen.  I would recommend reading Sue Johnson's book Hold Me Tight, 7 conversations.  Great book.  Helps communication!

Listen to Gracie. She is a wise woman.

8)

Thanks, Gracie,
I'll check it out.
Tom

I'm doing good today, but not so good last night. I worked on trying to let go of the feelings of disappointment, sadness, and lonliness I was experiencing, I used my squeezing technique, and wrote to my APs to put my struggle out there in the open, and I thought I'd make it ok, but I caved. I didn't get into my normal acting out routine, which I'm glad for, but I acted out nonetheless. I'm disappointed, and a part of me wanted to find a way to minimize it and not count it as a slip.  But if I can't be honest in an anonymous forum, how can I be honest with myself or with my wife? So, I'm back to Day 1.  At least I managed more than just 3-4 days before I weakened. 

I am emotionally immature.  Last night I was experiencing disappointment and lonliness, and was unable to reach my wife to talk. I'm pretty sure there wasn't any resentment about that, but sometimes I don't know when I'm fooling myself and when I'm not.  Anyway, I had a number of worthwhile options available to me, none of which would have given me the immediate dopamine relief that porn does, and I went for the porn instead.  And now I feel guilt and shame.  It used to be that I'd medicate the bad feelings from acting out with more porn, but that's not the case now.  I'm spending the day writing a little, doing some recreational reading, a little artwork, and writing here. Tonight when my wife and I talk I'll tell her about my episode.

I have a deep seated fear of abandonment because of a messed up family life growing up, and that has been a big part of why I haven't told my wife about my addiction problems this time around until a couple of months ago.  She's experiencing all the emotions and feelings that any wife would but she is also being incredibly supportive of me and making sure I know that she sees me as a worthy person.  So I owe her this honesty, as difficult as it will be for me to be a grown up and admit it to her.

This really sucks, but it's not as if I didn't think it would be this hard. I just have to get back on the horse and learn from my mistakes last night. I hope everyone's day is going ok.

"Never give up, which is the lesson I learned from boxing. As soon as you learn to never give up, you have to learn the power and wisdom of unconditional surrender, and that one doesn't cancel out the other; they just exist as contradictions." --Kris Kristofferson

Don't waste your time on guilt.  Just get get back on the horse and keep going.  You can do this!

uncreatedlight said:

Don't waste your time on guilt.  Just get get back on the horse and keep going.  You can do this!

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Wise words indeed.