Trying to Save a Marriage

chuckman23

Member
I'm Chuck.  I have looked at some form of porn since I was very young. From finding my dad's magazines up to getting it on the internet.  I am 50 and though I have acknowleged before that I have an issue with porn I never knew it was such a big issue until I started reading Your Brain on Porn recently.  The book is at the same time informative and scary, as it seems to tell my story. 
My wife and I almost seperated recently and we are working hard to get back to a good place.  She says she hasn't loved me for a couple of years and our sex life became terrible. I have to agree that while I felt like I was being a good partner and blamed other things for my inability to perform properly I am realizing that it was all about the porn.  It caused me to seek out validation in my career, to push to be the "rock star" to compensate for my feelings of being so inadequate.  It caused me to become arrogant, controlling, and at times uncaring about my wife. I couldn't perform because I needed a bigger high other than just vanilla sex, I felt I might be bi or maybe gay because of what turned me on. I pushed my wife to try different kinks because I thought that is what our sex life needed.  She like a good wife went a long with it but truth be told now she isn't into those kinks and in reality neither am I.  I thought that her being a "hot wife" would be awesome, I thought that her cuckolding me would be great based upon my porn fantasies. The reality is that I would go insane if this happened in real life. 

I am just starting my journey with giving up porn. It's been 7 days so far. 
 
M

mf1438

Guest
Your Brain on Porn scared me too. I spent some time with SAA and used the 3 circle tool to define the ins and outs of my recovery. I also went through counseling. Porn is not the problem, in and of itself. It's the self destructive behaviors that come from watching porn. I'm oversimplifying it because it is a complex problem to resolve. My only point is to work all angles. Don't just think everything will be fixed by stopping porn. You should look at everything all together. A little external stimulation is not all bad. It's when it's taken to the excess that it causes a problem, especially if it spirals downward into unwanted, self destructive behavior. You're lucky to have a wife who is willing to go through this with you. Be blessed!
 

bob

Respected Member
Chuck,

Just want you to know that you are not alone in this struggle. Many of us have had similar experiences. It was only after RN and YBOP that we realize the insidious nature of this problem. It warps, twists, and challenges our very being. The good news is that success is possible. Stick with this and you can control this addiction. Realize that it is a process and that you will not always have good days. You may slip but if you do, you must realize that this is an opportunity for you to learn about your problem.

From a brother who has had similar experiences.

Peace

 

chuckman23

Member
Thanks Bob & MF.  MF I am not familiar with the 3 circle tool.  I am working with a therapist for my issues too, I know that it's more than porn, there is some PTSD in there as well.  Thanks for the info and encouragement.
 

chuckman23

Member
13 Days so far and I am still struggling.  Still sleeping in separate rooms, wife says she is learning to love me again. She is completely aware of my issues and that I am working hard on this one.  I yearn very hard to be with her in the same bed and certainly to show her I am still able to make passionate love to her. I don't think that will happen soon and I worry that the more I go with out anything the harder and harder this will get. Ideally I'd replace one with the other but that will take a good bit of time as well. 

Advice?  Similar stories?
 

DavS

Active Member
  What you are going through is familiar to so many of us, myself included. Ask yourself who you are and what you really want, porn addiction or a real life. Bring your wife into everything about this. You are so lucky she's still there on any level. Recovery (rebooting) is about one thing, commitment. It's a long road, but so worth it. Please read my journal, Turtle Journal; you may find a lot to think about and try in your reboot. Start with NO INTERNET PORN.
  There is a way out of your hell. I know because I was there, and with the support of my wife and Internet resources, we found our way out of it. I spell it out step by step in my journal. Good luck, tell yourself: I'm done with porn forever.
 

chuckman23

Member
Thanks Turtle I will check it out.  One thing I just realized today after reading a post in the partners area is that what I have done isn't only my problem. I can't expect my spouse to be immediately proud of me because to many women this is much like a physical affair.  It would be like saying Honey, I haven't talked to the girl I cheated with in over 2 weeks aren't you proud of me!"  That is an issue that will require work that I wasn't aware of.
 

DavS

Active Member
  Absolutely right. My wife feels that way, but decided to continue trying to work through it with me.
  It's been about three months, and we're in a much better place now, especially sexually. Even as a teenager I was not this virile. For me, a big part of the addiction was orgasiming every day. (Now I'm trying to limit myself to one every ten days.) It might sound weird, but a lot of what we have been told about sex in our culture is bullshit.
 

chuckman23

Member
16 days for me and I've taken a couple of big steps the past 2 nights.  I apologized to my wife for talking her into many things she didn't want to try.  Then tonight I deleted several online "photo" accounts, plus destroyed my porno stash on my computer.  Tomorrow evening I will search for my DVDs and destroy them while my wife watches. 
 

bob

Respected Member
Chuck,

You can be proud of the steps you have taken to remove that shit from your life. It is a difficult process. I remember when I wanted to just keep a little bit of the trash I had collected over the years. It is best to eliminated it completely.

Hope it goes well for you and your wife.

Peace
 

chuckman23

Member
20 days in. Have had some great conversations with the wife. My actions not just porn but what I honestly think was driven by my addiction and trying to compensate for it have hurt her deeply and I have asked her forgiveness for many actions. She said it will take time.  Had an anxitety attack Tues nite Wed morning, a huge hard one with lots of tears and shaking. She held me through it and I made it out the other side, though she considered calling 911 a couple times.  Tonight I started into one but got an ativan into me in time to keep it a bit more low key. 
Plan to find my CDs this weekend so her and I can destroy them together!  Still struggling but I am determined that I will make it through.  I am really getting back on my Christian path with this so I am sure that part of the anxiety is a flat out attack to make me turn back! 
 

bob

Respected Member
Chuck,

I am so proud of you.

The panic attack must have been scary but how cool is it that your wife was there and able to supply comfort. You can hold onto that one. She sounds like a keeper.

Peace
 

chuckman23

Member
My weekend was productive and I am still going strong.  I am 29 days into this journey. Yesterday I had a temptation, ran an errand to go to a butcher shop, was by myself. As I am passing by I realize there is an adult book store w/ booths. I'd gone there in the past to watch porn and for anonymous sex.  Wow, I could just.....  NO WAY!!!  Not doing it. Went to the butcher, took a different route home and boom it was done.

The past week has sucked, I think its a combination of quitting porn as well as dealing with other emotional issues in my life (I lost my mom suddenly when I was 16). but anxiety is kicking my ass.  Have had several anxiety attacks, most at home, one at work. Each time between medicine, essential oils, and my awesome wife I got through them. 

This is really a tough road for me, also my wife is going through her own emotional crisis during this, she hit her rock bottom over a month ago and tried to take her own life. So she is fixing herself emotionally and mentally so isn't ready for any kind of physical relationship. She has however helped me through my attacks though it is hard because she is very empathetic to others and tends to take on their feelings as well. 
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
chuckman23 said:
This is really a tough road for me, also my wife is going through her own emotional crisis during this, she hit her rock bottom over a month ago and tried to take her own life. So she is fixing herself emotionally and mentally so isn't ready for any kind of physical relationship.
Man, that is very scary stuff. I really think you need to put all your energies into your wife's well-being if she has made an attempt on her own life. I hope she is getting some external support too? If not, she really should. You can't expect to be her sole support - especially if you have caused her a lot of the pain that led to the attempt. You need to keep in mind that your panic attacks are frightening for her too - and getting you through them is costing her energy and resources which she may not have. I think this is a time to put her first and yourself second, and don't even mention sex before she does.

I know this post might be confronting and possibly rude from your perspective, but I would hate to think she makes another attempt and you are not aware of what a knife edge this can be. When it's life and death, porn and sex come second. You've got to get her through this safely above all else.
 

chuckman23

Member
Yes part of her issue was me but a big part is that she is dealing with a lot of death in her family lately. I am working with her and she has been seeing a therapist and a doc since before she attempted.  I am more concerned about her than about any type of sex and that and even sleeping in the same bed is completely at her pace. I am not pushing any of that at all.  I am just letting it happen as she feels ready for it and supporting her anyway I can.  If it takes until next year for her to be comfortable for sex then so be it. That just means it will be that much better!  She honestly needs to learn to love herself before she can start loving me again. If she choses not to love me anymore than so be it.  It won't be fun but I'll learn to adjust and move on.
 

uncreatedlight

Active Member
chuckman23 said:
If she choses not to love me anymore than so be it.  It won't be fun but I'll learn to adjust and move on.

Praying for you.  I know how that feels.  Let go and let God.  At least for me, it is really terrifying to do that, but there is peace in it.

I pushed pretty hard on the cuckoldry and bdsm fronts too.  I'm not sure how you know what is part of your innate nature and what has been nurtured by cultural influences like porn, etc.  I suppose with more time clean under my belt I will have more discernment.

Keep praying and doing the work. 
 

chuckman23

Member
Thanks Uncreated yes I am praying hard and have given it all over to God as that's the only way I will get through this and the only way I have gotten this far.  30 days clean today! 
 
Chuckman! my thoughts are will you and your wife.  I really hope she can find some peace in her life and get better fast.  Dealing with loss is so hard!  Hang in there man! 
 
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