Turtle Journal

  I've decided to start my own journal. I don't want to post stuff on someone else's thread that should be here. I apologize if my posts in other places were a distraction. I started off just wanting to reach out, so I went to topics that were the most active.
  I'm on day six of my reboot. I thought I was experiencing flatline because I have low libido, but I haven't really tried to MO, so I was surprised when my wife and I tried karezza. I was very alive, and libido immediately returned. I am committed to my reboot, and I need to heal my brain, so no orgasm until I feel done with reboot.
  In my next few posts I'll copy comments I made elsewhere that belong here.
 

Hi turtle, glad to see you have a journal page. Feel free to keep sharing your thoughts on my own thread and I am sure others welcome your input, too. We can all learn from each other, for sure. I am glad to hear that karezza worked for you and your wife. I haven't tried it yet, myself but am inspired by your post. Can I ask, what resource did you use to guide you? A website, or book?

  Thanks for the support.
  Reuniting.info has information on karezza.

From May 2

I'm 63 and I've suffered with internet porn almost since it began in the '90s. I've quit and relapsed several times. I want to reclaim the sexual self I had before internet porn addicted me. My plan is to build on my commitment to be done with it, go through reboot for as long as it takes, and organize my life to support that commitment.

  May 3

I am only on my third day. Already I'm worried about flatline, and my own capacity for denial and rationalization. Porn seems like an escape, but it feeds on you. I know that I've used it to escape feelings of stress, guilt and negative feelings about myself, exactly like an addict using to escape the plight caused by his addiction. All the while denial and rationalization, to protect the addiction, facilitate the downward spiral.

Turtle said:

  May 3

I am only on my third day. Already I'm worried about flatline, and my own capacity for denial and rationalization. Porn seems like an escape, but it feeds on you. I know that I've used it to escape feelings of stress, guilt and negative feelings about myself, exactly like an addict using to escape the plight caused by his addiction. All the while denial and rationalization, to protect the addiction, facilitate the downward spiral.

Click to expand...

As you pointed out, "Porn/PMO" can be used as the drug of choice for what ails you.  Essentially it brings you up when your feeling down, it just doesn't last and excessive misuse leads to all kinds of problems, like ED amongst many others.  The mind games we play on ourselves are real and many, many times I've given in to them and had to begin again.  Your on the right track, try not to worry, flatlines happen, but this to shall pass.  You will be uncomfortable for a while, this is not negotiable, exercise helps, being active too, just know the temptations and rationalizations will come and be prepared on how you will deal with them.  Its cliche' but, "Those who fail to plan, are essentially planning to fail".  Be on your guard, don't wait to be a victim, prepare your defenses so you too can withstand those fiery arrows flung in your direction.

  You are so right, thanks! We'll get through this together.
  Day 4, flatline starting, but it's ok with me right now. I guess it's good my brain is starting to heal.
  It's great to communicate in a space where the truth is accepted: Internet porn is not ok because everyone is doing it, if you act like an addict, feel like an addict, and it's wrecking your life - you are an addict. The fact that it's horribly prevalent changes nothing. My marriage has been so damaged by this, and that's the worst part.
  All I can do is take it one day at a time, and keep reaffirming my commitment. I have to be honest with myself first. It's so easy for my addiction to take over my thought process! That's why I've always failed in the past. I want my innocent self back.

  I wonder if other men have this experience? I start with good motivation, and make promises to my partner and myself. Somewhere down the road I have some very hard experience, and get really stressed. I don't feel good about my self. I feel guilty, and have trouble having an orgasm the old fashioned way. Then my commitment, my values, my promises somehow get talked down by my addiction. " Just this one time and I'll be able to sleep. I can handle it, not let it get out of control. Everybody does it. It'll be good to clear out my prostate. I don't want to get prostate cancer!"
  I feel like it's almost schizophrenic. A part of me has no respect for my values, or my commitments. How can I win against the hijacking of my thought process? My hope now is that the rebooting will give my respectable self an advantage against this hijacking addiction.

Hi!
Thanks for chairing and thanks for your supporting posts!
Tom

  Having a rough day. Only a week into my reboot, and it's more complicated than I thought. A very stressful day is not helping. My commitment is very strong, so still no porn or orgasm. It's been 40 years since I've gone this long without an orgasm. (Physical symptoms are annoying but manageable.) Back then I was depressed, and practicing a spiritual penance. Now I'm so disgusted with myself, and my addiction, I'll try anything. I do feel a desire to escape my stress and blues, so I'm having a beer and typing, instead of feeding the old addiction.
 

Turtle said:

  Having a rough day. Only a week into my reboot, and it's more complicated than I thought. A very stressful day is not helping. My commitment is very strong, so still no porn or orgasm. It's been 40 years since I've gone this long without an orgasm. (Physical symptoms are annoying but manageable.) Back then I was depressed, and practicing a spiritual penance. Now I'm so disgusted with myself, and my addiction, I'll try anything. I do feel a desire to escape my stress and blues, so I'm having a beer and typing, instead of feeding the old addiction.

Click to expand...

I feel you, stress, boredom and depression were always my main triggers.  A good thing to keep in mind that i learned the hard way is, try not to beat yourself up too much, it is what it is, we are here now, we don't get a do over.  Beating ourselves up can lead to a negative self image that isn't constructive.  Porn/PMO was yesterday, today we are new men and building a new tomorrow.  Not trying to pick, but just a word of advice, alcohol can be a trigger too as it is a depressant, just be mindful about it and you should be cool.  Hope I don't come off as a know it all or something, I've just been through it and have found all the potholes the new guys might miss.  Later.

  No you're not coming across as a know it all. It's clearly "been there, done that".
  Actually I'm worried about the alcohol, and trying to drink less.
  Yesterday was a killer. All the s**t is hitting the fan at the same time. Extended family in hospital dying, family at home fighting, shouting, crying, (me trying to stay out of it) the whole nine yards! I can't believe I got through the night without MO, but I did. I don't know if the vodka helped or not. I have a slight hangover now.
  It's my commitment that's keeping me on recovery road. I'm doing this for my sanity, and my soul. This time I fully understand that this addiction has a hidden power, capable of subverting my heartfelt thoughts and feelings. We all have neurotic stuff, but this addiction combines with my weaknesses. That's how I end up violating my own promises and values.
  It's only been 8 days!

Be aware, 10-14 days is a common stumble zone.  Next stop is around 21.  There are scientific biological reasons for this but I can't remember right off the specifics.  Sorry about the family issues, we just got through my wife being out of work with surgery for 6 weeks, but we're still kicking.

  Better today, still some family stress. I find myself wanting an orgasm to feel normal, clear the fog from my brain.
  My case is different from many users. I'm 63, so much of my adult life there was no internet. I was starting to get ED and DO, but I thought I'll just quit for a while. Surprise, I didn't, wouldn't, couldn't. If you think " I'll stop or cut back" , but you don't, guess what, you're addicted.
  So I can get great erections after 8 days, but I really have to break my addiction, so my reboot continues. I watched Gabe's reboot basics video again. No artificial stimulation is the bottom line, but I'm avoiding all orgasm unless it happens with my wife. That's how I want to wire my brain. I need a new normal, without porn in my life.
  I plan to work on my escapism. I've always loved TV, movies, books, audio stories, you name a form of escapism and I probably like it. I'm just lucky I never got hooked on opioids. I could work out more, and go back to some of the hobbies that I've quit over the years.

Did you ever check out William's thread, "And so gentlemen now we begin"?  It in the addiction section, but it was a game changer for me.  All your ideas sound good.  We live in an age of distraction, products designed with the "intent" to make users addicted:  Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Porn, Cigarettes and on and on.  Moral and ethical behavior at the corporate and governmental levels is all but non-existent.  We are surrounded and inundated by things intent on taking hold of us, but we have the power to say, "no" but very often it means going counter to new social norms.  Stick with it, the rewards are many, I pity the younger generation raised in this environment.  I count myself blessed to remember a time before computers dominated our lives and stole away with peoples jobs.  Our culture is at a treacherous time and things need to change and I'm not talking about being some ill informed SJW, we need to wake up and take back our country, our society.  We've been in a documented decline since shorty after prayer was removed from public schools in the early 60's.  I believe those events are related and lay at the root of all our societal woes. 

Enough soap box, good night Turltle.

  Extended family member passed this morning. The tragedy is, this caused a falling out in my family. I have to assume that's not permanent.
  Anyway, stress is not letting up right now. On day nine of my reboot I'm wanting to rethink the idea of no orgasms. (Surprise surprise) I have the valid idea that if its with my wife, the rewiring is good. The problem is how will I know about when the reboot is over? Without O I'll get symptoms, morning wood etc, to signal reboot is ending.
  I can't believe I've come this far without my balls exploding, or my brain turning to mush.

  Copy from PF 56, Making Recovery My #1 Priority (Thank You)

Addiction is not a hole in the ground?there is no physical effort required to get out.
It's easy to get out of the porn trap?you just have to make a different choice.
Have no doubts about the choice you're making and be certain that you will succeed.
Remember, porn does nothing substantial for you whatsoever.
There is nothing to wait for. The moment you stop indulging in porn is the moment you become free.
There's no such thing as "just a look." If you take a look, you'll most likely take another look which will lead to masturbation and you'll be right back in the porn trap.
Rejoice at ridding yourself of your mortal enemy.

  Still have family stress, but less. I see what Cage means about 10 to 14 days, sometimes I really want an orgasim, but I'm determined to wait at least two weeks. Then maybe I'll have one with my wife. She has been very supportive, of the reboot. We are still doing karezza, and it's great. Still I get heavy guilt feelings about the years of porn use. In some odd way that undercuts my commitment? I don't really know how that works. Maybe " I'm such a worthless f**k, it doesn't matter what I do, so what does it matter if I use porn"? Like doing what makes me feel worthless will help? Anyway, I just feel like having an orgasm, not using porn.
  I've quit a few times before, but it's always creeped back into my life. Maybe it'll  be different this time because I've finally accepted that I'll always be a porn addict, even if I can quit for 10 years! I have to accept this, if I want to stop forever. Because some part of me will always be vulnerable to the addiction, I can never let my guard down.

  Day 13, and I'm thinking of going the 90 days that many recommend.
  I'm not feeling much erotic energy, but I can't say it's flatline because I'm a little depressed for other reasons. Overall I'm better than yesterday. My commitment is still strong, I am done with porn forever, and it feels good to say that. I think the reboot is helping, because I'm getting more disgusted with the idea of using porn. I'm getting more clear on who is the addict in me, vs who I am - the self I was for about half my life before Internet porn existed. This will help me identify thoughts that come from the addiction, so I can nip them in the bud. I see this process as strengthening my real self, and weakening/shrinking the addict.
  I'm lucky I had many adult years before the Internet.

  Day 15, easy to remember, same as the date. It gets easier and harder in waves. I notice that I want an orgasm at times when I habitually had them, early in the morning for example. It certainly helps to keep busy. I've yet to start increasing exercise, though I intend to. More yoga would be good. (The yogi pic is not me of course)
  My wife an I have been enjoying karezza. It's great, but important for me to avoid getting too excited. I'm determined to reboot my brain, so no orgasim at this early stage. I do miss having them, but its not as impossible as I thought it would be.
  I'd like feedback from anyone trying a path through reboot similar to mine.
 

Sounds like you're doing pretty well - from my experience 1. keeping your mind & hands busy is important, and 2. working out why you wanted to watch porn in the past can be helpful.

Karzam