Hi, I just joined last night after spending about a week browsing the forums and articles. Certainly a very supportive bunch of guys. As it said in the overview, I'm starting a journal and this is my first official post in it.
I'm in my low 40's and have been dealing with moderate to severe ED since a teen. I constantly obsess how my life would be different without it. I'll actually find a quiet spot at home and sit there like a zombie trying to vividly imagine my actual life without dealing with it. Would I have married the same woman? Would a have gotten a divorce like we did? Would I be further in my career? Would I have even chosen the same career? I think you get it as there are literally unlimited things to think about and I'll obviously never know the true answers, which is why it is a vicious circle of thoughts - and also a big part of my OCD.
I remember all the way back to around my junior high years. I started seeing other kids penises at overnight camp and I immediately got concerned how mine was smaller than most. I was never able to let go of it and still can't to this day. However, when my penis has "felt normal" (no tingling, uncomfortable in my pants, sensitive in a good way to touch/thoughts, filled with blood and feeling more spongy, I'm much happier. 99% of the time my penis is shriveled, lifeless and has that tingly feeling. It's not painful, more of a constant reminder that something is wrong down there. When I squeeze it with my fingers. I can feel right through to what I assume is my urethra - as if there is no blood flow in there.
So back to being a kid...at around pre-teen years, a friend and me both had massive sex drives which we knew was totally normal at that age. So we would get Playboys and porn VHS tapes. But sometimes when at each other's houses, we both would be so horny that instead of going home to maaturbate, we just went in to his bedroom, locked the door and masturbated - never touching each other or having any sort of interest in that at all. We both couldn't get enough of naked women, porn videos etc and we were so horny that I think we simply didn't care if that meant masturbating in front of each other. I did at the time (as mentioned above) worry still that my penis was smaller than a lot of other kids my age. But the horniness simply overtook it and I still had rock hard erections.
When I had an opportunity to date girls or hook up with them going in to high school, I avoided it like the plague. I tried my best to fit in with my friends but I was terrified of what girls would think about my flaccid penis and worse - if I did not get erect. I still continued to masturbate and one time even pulled too hard one time. It felt like a ligament or tendon at the top and inside of my leg, where the leg meets the base of the penis was hurt - like a pulled muscle. The pain had me hobbling for a day or two but it then went away. However, I never stopped worrying about it and to this day have concern. That said, I had multiple Doppler and other tests done and my urologist said its all fine. Additionally, I have certainly had erections since then, so I'm assuming if it was a physical problem, my penis would never get erect.
So I went on and avoided women, starting seeing a therapist, then urologists. While still a teen I remember that I lost my morning erections and even started having problems getting hard on my own. I was terrified and started with a therapist and more urology tests, but I received the usual, "it's all in you head." I thought there had to be something going on. So fast forward to today after spending most of my life suffering from some form of ED, I am divorced with kids and my ED is worse than ever. I have used the tri-mix and also papaverine injections but they are concerning because they give me an erections that usually lasts many hours 6+ and so that is yet another thing to worry about - did those prolonged erections damage my penis? I still can get an erection (though not as full and hard as I'd like, so I assume they did not.
So my penis has been in this perpetual state of being shriveled and somewhat lifeless for many years. Though I did manage to have sex with my ex and continued to PMO all the way up until I found this site. Now, as I am on about day 8 of no PMO, last night I woke up really horny and with a semi erection. That rarely ever happens to me and certainly no morning wood. This morning, my penis is back to being lifeless and tingly and shriveled. But I've seen and felt it when it was "normal" and it is much more full and comfortable feeling. I am really hoping that staying away from all poem and masturbation will make a difference. I'm hoping that while I did not masturbate to internet porn, the fact that I went crazy masturbating to magazines and VHS videos is what initially caused my ED as a teen. And that it simply continued right through to today. I'm hoping that staying away from it all will give me the reboot needed to rewirenmy brain. If you are still reading this, thanks for your support and feel free to ask any questions. I hope to be able to support others while on this unknown road ahead too!
I'm in my low 40's and have been dealing with moderate to severe ED since a teen. I constantly obsess how my life would be different without it. I'll actually find a quiet spot at home and sit there like a zombie trying to vividly imagine my actual life without dealing with it. Would I have married the same woman? Would a have gotten a divorce like we did? Would I be further in my career? Would I have even chosen the same career? I think you get it as there are literally unlimited things to think about and I'll obviously never know the true answers, which is why it is a vicious circle of thoughts - and also a big part of my OCD.
I remember all the way back to around my junior high years. I started seeing other kids penises at overnight camp and I immediately got concerned how mine was smaller than most. I was never able to let go of it and still can't to this day. However, when my penis has "felt normal" (no tingling, uncomfortable in my pants, sensitive in a good way to touch/thoughts, filled with blood and feeling more spongy, I'm much happier. 99% of the time my penis is shriveled, lifeless and has that tingly feeling. It's not painful, more of a constant reminder that something is wrong down there. When I squeeze it with my fingers. I can feel right through to what I assume is my urethra - as if there is no blood flow in there.
So back to being a kid...at around pre-teen years, a friend and me both had massive sex drives which we knew was totally normal at that age. So we would get Playboys and porn VHS tapes. But sometimes when at each other's houses, we both would be so horny that instead of going home to maaturbate, we just went in to his bedroom, locked the door and masturbated - never touching each other or having any sort of interest in that at all. We both couldn't get enough of naked women, porn videos etc and we were so horny that I think we simply didn't care if that meant masturbating in front of each other. I did at the time (as mentioned above) worry still that my penis was smaller than a lot of other kids my age. But the horniness simply overtook it and I still had rock hard erections.
When I had an opportunity to date girls or hook up with them going in to high school, I avoided it like the plague. I tried my best to fit in with my friends but I was terrified of what girls would think about my flaccid penis and worse - if I did not get erect. I still continued to masturbate and one time even pulled too hard one time. It felt like a ligament or tendon at the top and inside of my leg, where the leg meets the base of the penis was hurt - like a pulled muscle. The pain had me hobbling for a day or two but it then went away. However, I never stopped worrying about it and to this day have concern. That said, I had multiple Doppler and other tests done and my urologist said its all fine. Additionally, I have certainly had erections since then, so I'm assuming if it was a physical problem, my penis would never get erect.
So I went on and avoided women, starting seeing a therapist, then urologists. While still a teen I remember that I lost my morning erections and even started having problems getting hard on my own. I was terrified and started with a therapist and more urology tests, but I received the usual, "it's all in you head." I thought there had to be something going on. So fast forward to today after spending most of my life suffering from some form of ED, I am divorced with kids and my ED is worse than ever. I have used the tri-mix and also papaverine injections but they are concerning because they give me an erections that usually lasts many hours 6+ and so that is yet another thing to worry about - did those prolonged erections damage my penis? I still can get an erection (though not as full and hard as I'd like, so I assume they did not.
So my penis has been in this perpetual state of being shriveled and somewhat lifeless for many years. Though I did manage to have sex with my ex and continued to PMO all the way up until I found this site. Now, as I am on about day 8 of no PMO, last night I woke up really horny and with a semi erection. That rarely ever happens to me and certainly no morning wood. This morning, my penis is back to being lifeless and tingly and shriveled. But I've seen and felt it when it was "normal" and it is much more full and comfortable feeling. I am really hoping that staying away from all poem and masturbation will make a difference. I'm hoping that while I did not masturbate to internet porn, the fact that I went crazy masturbating to magazines and VHS videos is what initially caused my ED as a teen. And that it simply continued right through to today. I'm hoping that staying away from it all will give me the reboot needed to rewirenmy brain. If you are still reading this, thanks for your support and feel free to ask any questions. I hope to be able to support others while on this unknown road ahead too!