no sex, no touching....nothing

9 months into a new relationship with a guy who's history of strip clubs, hookers, porn, bar chicks etc. all physical contact has stopped.  WTF??  He says he's stopped his porn use with a fleshlight and other male toys....had a half a gallon of personal lubricant.  He has outright refused to touch me. No kissing, nothing.  I can sleep next to him naked and try to initiate sex but nothing.  He won't even look at me.  But continues to insist I'm talking to other men, sneaking off with guys etc.  He thinks every guy wants to screw me.  I feel he's playing porn scenarios over in his head.  He has repeated called me a slut and whore because I didn't answer my phone when he called etc.  I think he's useless and has had such a history of using women that he doesn't appreciate a good one.  All he knows is women for use.  He thinks porn is fine and was using it every other day for over 20 years.  I feel he's still using porn or he would want to have sex with me.  He claims he has no libido since stopping steroid's but he's had no problem in the past when I was new to him.  We started off having sex 4-5 times a day and he was all over me.  When the relationship was about 5-6 months old everything stopped. He said he's not masturbating and was sick of my complaining.  The only thing I complained about was lack of sex and his loss of interest in me.  A guy that said sex & violence were his 2 favorite things now has no interest in sex but keeps me on the phone for hours afraid that Im having sex with someone else.  I feel this is porn related, his behavior is bizarre.  I feel like I'm dating my dad.  What is going on with this guy?  Has anyone else had this reaction from their significant other?
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
As a man, i am disgusted at his behaviour. I think you should get out of this situation in the quickest and safest way possible. He is not in this for the same reasons you are and he is not going to change in this current dynamic. Girafpt hope would be for you to call an end to this and tell him why you are leaving. That might be his wake up call. It doesn't help you save the relationship, but you will save yourself.

I think you are dealing with a pathological liar and possibly a narcissist.. He wants you to respect his manufactured image, but he's hiding his real nature. Honestly, 5 months is not that long, you can walk away from this without too much damage. But if you stay with him for another year or two, or more, it will cost you dearly - and not just in time. Your well-being is at stake here - you must protect that. If your gut is telling you that you can't trust him, you aren't getting intimacy or trust from him, you need to listen to that voice and cut your losses.

May I ask - what is keeping you there?
 

UsualMood

Member
Well he should open up to you if he has a problem.. If its because of being off roid cycle that could have affected his libido energy and psychology in general but since you know it, why not talk to you about it ?

So guessing it is not that , if he does not open up to you then it really is a red flag. 5 months is not so long but definately enough to deserve an explanation of this huge mood swing.
 
Malando, it's been over 9 months.  He now just keeps me on the phone while playing video games from 6 or 8 pm till midnight or later every night. Every morning he calls me on his way to work. He's only 15 minutes away but wont come see me.  I feel like some sort of security blanket.  I don't want to be with him anymore.  I should probably block him and move on with my life. Im sad that he will end up doing all of this to another woman.  He thinks he should have the right to look at porn and other naked women but not touch me and anywhere I go I should dress like a nun or I'm a slut that wants the attention of men.  I guess I keep hoping for the guy I met that was so into me and wanted to hug and kiss me constantly.  What is this I'm dealing with?  I'm waiting for "that guy" to come back.  Maybe it was all an act?  He still tells me he loves me and claims he's not watching porn, but wouldn't he want to be with me if that was the case?  He initially told me I was the girl of his dreams.....I haven't changed but he says "we're just not good for each other, all we do is fight"  but he wont let me go. I've never known a dude with such sick views of women.  I don't believe there is hope for him.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
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brokensoul said:
Malando, it's been over 9 months.  He now just keeps me on the phone while playing video games from 6 or 8 pm till midnight or later every night. Every morning he calls me on his way to work. He's only 15 minutes away but wont come see me.  I feel like some sort of security blanket.  I don't want to be with him anymore.  I should probably block him and move on with my life. Im sad that he will end up doing all of this to another woman.  He thinks he should have the right to look at porn and other naked women but not touch me and anywhere I go I should dress like a nun or I'm a slut that wants the attention of men.  I guess I keep hoping for the guy I met that was so into me and wanted to hug and kiss me constantly.  What is this I'm dealing with?  I'm waiting for "that guy" to come back.  Maybe it was all an act?  He still tells me he loves me and claims he's not watching porn, but wouldn't he want to be with me if that was the case?  He initially told me I was the girl of his dreams.....I haven't changed but he says "we're just not good for each other, all we do is fight"  but he wont let me go. I've never known a dude with such sick views of women.  I don't believe there is hope for him.
That is very sad, and I really feel for you. It's clear that this situation is doing you a lot of damage - your confidence and security are taking a big blow by being in this relationship. I think you need to prioritise your well-being and get out now before this relationship completely sinks you. His world is geared towards the next new exciting thing - that's the reality of a porn addict with this level of hedonism. It's not that you are not exciting, it's his brain saying "I want my next fix, I've already had you and I don't want any more". That "guy" is not coming back because it was not what you thought it was: his attention on you was fueled by his "next new thing" excitement - so he overexposed himself to get more out of the high. But emotionally, he did not commit to the relationship itself, mainly the sexual part, and the euphoria experience of everything that came with it. (we all do that to some extent, but most of us still want to keep the relationship going after the initial excitement has faded a little). I think his addict brain has cut off to you as a sexual prospect now. I think he is keeping you around as a security blanket and to receive the other favours you give to him. (Do you find yourself doing a lot of things for him? Like bringing/cooking him food, letting him rant about things, running errands for him?) He's having his cake and eating it too. It really is a shocking mentality to bring to a relationship and I fear this is causing you enormous damage. I urge you to find your strength and get out now. You will find somebody better than this (You could probably hurl a rock into a crowd and hit somebody better than this). This is no way for you to live. You sound like you have a lot to offer somebody who is normal and appreciative of a proper woman. Leave this guy to his sick fantasy life.
 

Emerald Blue

Well-Known Member
I don't want to be with him anymore.  I should probably block him and move on with my life. Im sad that he will end up doing all of this to another woman. 

I don?t think this situation is doing you any good, is it? You know him better than you did 9 months ago. Don?t expect him to change. He won?t. Whatever feelings you have for him, they are only about an illusion. He?s not who you thought he was. Ultimately it?s your decision to make but why choose him if he treats you so badly?

As for other women, you can?t save them. You have no control over him or his future conquests. People have to learn the hard way. As you have done. You don?t have to stick around with a guy who mistreats you. You have the choice.
 

bob

Respected Member
I agree with Emerald and malando. I would run, not walk away from this guy. With his interest in violence I would be particularly concerned. Break all contact as soon as you can. And don't believe a word he is saying.

...walks like a duck, talks like a duck... its a duck.

My thoughts are with you because this has to be a difficult situation. I would also talk with someone and let them know what is going on. You may need support as you try to break ties with this guy.

Peace
 
It has boiled down to him calling me on his way to work, at lunch and on his way home.  He basically isolates himself in his room in a big house.  Just him & his video games.  I found male sex toys in his room and a half a gallon of personal lubricant.  He was extremely defensive about it all and claimed most guys have personal sex toys.  I've never seen them in my life.  Is this common with porn addicts?  His routine was pmo first thing in the morning and before bed.  He still makes every scenario into a porn scenario.  If he hears someone in the background it's supposedly someone I'm hiding or am going to "fuck".  I have not been with any other man.  Yes he's completely turned around from best sex ever for the first 3 months to zero sex.  No kissing, nothing....just constant accusations that I have all these men I'm "hooking up with".  Who thinks like that?  I'm assuming it's the 20 years of pmo.  He is totally engrossed in his entertainment like he becomes part of what he's engaged in.  Such as his video games....like he's living them.  I'm assuming the same with porn.  I have totally cut all physical contact with him.  He continues to insist he's quit porn but showing pretty much all signs of the addiction.
 

UsualMood

Member
Why would you waste your energy on that guy ? Do you have any obligations with him like marriage kids or anything? This "relationship" is clearly a problem to you is it not ? And on top of that you waste your energy on someone who doesnt want to help himself and he is toxic to you as well.

What prevents you of letting go of that problem and replace it with someone who truly makes you happy ?
 

bob

Respected Member
Please find someone to talk to about this. You are too close to the relationship to see what is happening. A therapist should be able to help you sort this out.

I will say it agan

bob said:
would run, not walk away from this guy. With his interest in violence I would be particularly concerned. Break all contact as soon as you can. And don't believe a word he is saying.

He is dangerous and you may be in danger in the future. We only have words here. We can't hug you and tell you how important and special you area as a person. Please realize that the individuals writing here have seen people like this before.

You are special and too important to get caught up with this guy!

Peace
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi brokensoul

I've just replied to your other thread. I hadn't read this one so my advice is slightly different. From what you've written your partner appears to have other issues in addition to porn addiction.

Your relationship appears to be abusive nobody should stick around in such a relationship. He says sex and violence are his two favourite things. I suggest you read that last sentence again.

It's not important if the sex was good at first. I would give serious consideration to getting out of this relationship. I think you're just wasting your time. Find yourself a partner who gives you the respect you feel you deserve.
 
The support and insight has been tremendous, thank you very much.  Yes, I need to move on this is extremely unhealthy and I'm sure I'm not the only girl he's destroyed.  He also has a criminal record for domestic violence and assault.  I don't think he will pursue me in any way he's done with me as he said, "I got my dick wet already".  This is pretty much how he talks about women in general.  His behavior has just gotten more bizarre.  I personally have never experienced anything like this.  I'm sure in time he will destroy himself. 
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
That language is that of a narcissist.  Get a restraining order against him and leave, now. 

Rich
 
He actually prides himself as a narcissist and said any woman should be grateful if he wanted to date her.  He sits in his room all day on his days off, only leaving to eat.  I've never met a guy that uses sex toys and owns half a gallon of personal lubricant.  He's denied his porn addiction but it's more than apparent from what I know and his confessed history.  He refers to women as whores, sluts and says they ask to be raped and tortured.  But by the looks of his personal belongings it's all about women. Movies, stickers, fb pages he follows, porn magazines, movies.  He couldn't have his kink without women but yet he hates them...why?  He has every physical, &: emotional side effect of porn addiction that I've read about.  He is the poster child and remains in hiding lashing out with threats to kill people and cause harm.  I am finally done and over him.  I don't understand how I have tolerated someone who's treated me like this.  I don't know how or why his claws were so deep.  He hasn't even touched me since May.  Not even a kiss.  But has continued to try and dictate my life, calling me a whore and slut constantly just because another man looks at me.  He is a very sick human being.
 

bob

Respected Member
Well I?m glad your done with him. You deserve better. Just make sure you don?t have an contact with him. Block his calls. Don?t answer them. You are officially through. No more contact of any kind. That is important for your safety.

We send you our strength.

Peace
 
brokensoul said:
He actually prides himself as a narcissist and said any woman should be grateful if he wanted to date her.  He sits in his room all day on his days off, only leaving to eat.  I've never met a guy that uses sex toys and owns half a gallon of personal lubricant.  He's denied his porn addiction but it's more than apparent from what I know and his confessed history.  He refers to women as whores, sluts and says they ask to be raped and tortured.  But by the looks of his personal belongings it's all about women. Movies, stickers, fb pages he follows, porn magazines, movies.  He couldn't have his kink without women but yet he hates them...why?  He has every physical, &: emotional side effect of porn addiction that I've read about.  He is the poster child and remains in hiding lashing out with threats to kill people and cause harm.  I am finally done and over him.  I don't understand how I have tolerated someone who's treated me like this.  I don't know how or why his claws were so deep.  He hasn't even touched me since May.  Not even a kiss.  But has continued to try and dictate my life, calling me a whore and slut constantly just because another man looks at me.  He is a very sick human being.

Hello,

I would consider looking into the term "codependency". It is very common for people with patterns of codependency to partner up with narcissists and addicts and stay in those relationships longer than they should.

I have been reading about codependency and going to meetings to help me understand why it is that I stayed with someone with so many issues and how I have chosen actions that have not been in my own best interest.

Here is a link to patterns of behavior that co-dependents have:

http://coda.org/index.cfm/meeting-materials1/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

For me it has been a healing process to look into this stuff. I hope the best for you and that you see your worth and find someone who you can share yourself with who respects you. Also the most difficult challenge is learning how to truly respect ourselves.
 
I have never experienced such pain as I have with this relationship.  The mind games, the deception and for what?  So he could indulge in being a voyeur to the most intimate bond people are suppose to experience together.  Something I've been denied of from him for months.  He wants to view other naked women and consume their images life an indulgence but ignoring the woman that loves him.  To women this is the greatest mind fk there is.  I had to remove all my modeling pictures and training videos that I got paid for on line because he said it made me a whore that other men could masturbate to and yet he outright refused to touch me.  While all the while fking HIMSELF with sex toys immolating sex and watching porn.  WTF has this society come to?!!  I can't even sleep after all of this.  Is this what we have to choose from?  How do you weed out this sort from the dating pool while you're looking for a life partner?  So many suffering women starving to connect with the only man they love and desire while he chooses porn over real sex and any sort of natural connection.  I'm truly dying inside.  All cried out


s
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
My heart aches for you when I read that, Brokensoul. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. Your pain is so raw. I don't know what to say other than you need to take some time out for yourself and regain some sense of confidence and peace within yourself. Hopefully the pain will lift at some point and you will feel willing to trust somebody again. If and when that happens, don't be afraid to state openly to whomever you meet, exactly what you are looking for and what you are not looking for. If anybody doesn't pass the smell test, walk away. Any involvement with porn, walk away. You have to protect your heart and only entrust it to people who are 100% above board. If you get a hint of narcissistic traits, walk away. Do some research on narcissism - it can really help you to identify people with toxic traits that will consume your energy and confidence. I believe porn can bring out narcissistic aspects of a person personality too. I really hope you are able to heal from this.
 

aquarius25

Respected Member
I think the first thing you should do with any relationship is sort out what it is you are looking for, needing, and wanting from this. Get very clear about your expectations. Then see if it is aligning with this person. Sounds like it might not be. It also sounds like it probably won't in the future either. If that is the case then there is no future for you here. You should consider putting your time, attention and energy into someone who you do align with more. You are worthy of joy, happiness, and love. You have a lot to offer this world! Don't spend your valuable gifts and energy on a person who isn't appreciating them. You are worth more than that!
 
I finally got the courage to block him.  All contact has been solely on his terms.  He spends all day in his room, after work in his room.  A 3000 sq ft house and he locks himself in his dungeon watching cartoons so he says.  With his male sex toys & quart of personal lubricant.  He has NO life outside of that room.  I've never seen anything like it.  But he swears he's quit watching porn.  Still wont even kiss me.  I'm done with this fiasco.  I can't go on begging for a mans attention that has been nothing but abusive.  He has only himself to deal with now and I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.  I can't fix him and he's only playing sick mind games with me at this point.  It's time to put the pieces of what's left of me back together. 
 
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