Holding Myself Accountable, Going On Hardmode Reboot

Day 1

Hey all, starting my new hard mode reboot today. I'm a 23 year old male. I'm using this thread as a way to hold myself accountable and share my experience. Went on 90 day nofap streak that ended  late January when I MO'ed to fantasy and erotica, which sent me into another flatline. Started seeing a girl shortly thereafter. The sex with her just did not feel right. Took me forever to get an erection, and when I did, it did not feel very pleasurable. On the other hand (lol), I just did a PIED test and found that my fantasies and self masturbation turned me on to a much greater extent (did not O). Really scared, but I'm determined to fix this problem.

On a side note, a question to experienced rebooters who might have a similar experience. I did not have sex until I was 21. How likely is it that I'll be able to function normally seeing as I did not have sex in teenage years and instead used porn? Please send any information if you have any, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Glad to have found this forum.

Be happy and very grateful that you found out about your problem this early. Unfortunately, I didn't find out the reason for my ED until after I was 28yo (I'm 31 yo now...).

About the last question: Be patient with yourself. First you have to worry about rebooting, that's the only thing that should concern you as of now. Rewiring (as it is called) as in having sex again should be a concern of your future. Again, be patient with yourself. Don't expect to jump in bed with a girl (or a guy for that matter) and be a sex god right away. Spend as much time with women, smell them, touch them, laugh with them, bond with them in general. Get intimate with them without focussing on penetrative sex at first. Take small steps from there and everything should return back to normal eventually.

You got this!

Thanks for sharing your insight Pete. Yeah I am trying to relax and be patient. I just get scared sometimes when I realize I'm in a huge flat-line and have so long to go to recover. Glad to hear from you.

Additional Backstory

Hey all, posting at the end of day 1. Will only be posting once a day after this, just need some initial posts to get mentally adjusted to my situation as well as follow the "Before you post" rules that I missed last night.

I'm a 23 year old male taking another huge step in rebooting. I've been attempting to quit PMO since 19 and have been successfully going longer and longer periods of time without porn. Last time I looked was in October.

Thankfully, I did lose my v-card 21 near going on 22. It was difficult losing my v-card with my ex at first. Took us several attempts on the first try, but after that, we had less problems with sex as time went on. However, with study abroad approaching at the time I was with her, I broke up due to fear of getting her pregnant before departure (she was not on birth control). The break up impacted me hard as I did not have any partner on weekends after work in the summer and would drink a lot/use porn sometimes although not as much as when I was severely addicted. I was so stupid, I tricked myself somehow into thinking using porn sparingly was ok. I was also deathly afraid of casual sex as I did not want any surprises before my departure, did not have sex the entire summer which probably slowed down my rewiring process.

Just recently, I completed a 90 day reboot while studying abroad. I was feeling like I could handle masturbation again, and some of my sensitivity had been regained. At the time, I was having a tough time getting girls due to lack of confidence and game. I decided masturbating to fantasy and some literary erotica would be fine  and serve as occasional release while I built up my dating skills. Boy was I wrong. Had the chaser effect and binged on fantasy mostly with one erotic story, and I am now in a huge flatline. It sucks to say, but I am the porn equivalent of an alcoholic. Cannot even MO for the rest of my life, I'll always need to have a girl in my life, but this is a reality I'm fine with. Much better than being a limp dick masturbator.

End of Day 1

Started off as a "meh" day and slowly got better. Had 40% morning wood, not completely flaccid but nothing to brag about either. Spent first half of day obsessing over PIED, but thankfully I slowly relaxed. Went to class and had a good time studying music production techniques as well as making jokes with friends. Been listening to some positive music while walking around campus/town as well, which helps.

Today got a text from a girl I had sex with this past weekend after a date at a bar. She says she wants to see me again this weekend. Shock to me as it took forever for me to get an erection, but I must've done something right when I did. However, the sex wasn't that pleasurable for me. I'm hoping it was the drinks we had combined with first time exposure to sex after nearly a year of not having it that caused the inability to climax/delayed erection time. With my history though I can never be too sure PIED didn't play a role as well, however. Not feeling much of a libido at the moment, but I'm not stressed at not getting an erection anyways when I see her. I don't give a fuck if anyone finds out I have erection problems anymore. I have to recover in any way I can. Been getting out of my apartment more, started a running group and volunteered first to present in class. I'm just going to generally be me and do stuff that takes my mind off PIED and develops my skills. Going to hook up with girls whether I go limp or hard, I need to live my life as a normal guy and not let my problems become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Can't live a hermit life hiding my issues anymore. I'd like to see any haters be able to pull through half the shit I've experienced.

Thanks for reading my post, and I hope you're having a good day. Feel free to reach out to me or reply with advice/general comments. Talking to the people on this forum has greatly improved my morale.

all_in_now said:

Cannot even MO for the rest of my life, I'll always need to have a girl in my life, but this is a reality I'm fine with. Much better than being a limp dick masturbator.

Click to expand...

I just wanna really quickly comment on this. I think, your statement and mindset is entirely wrong. You don't need a girl all the time in your life and most likely this standard you are setting is highly unrealistic and probably not achievable. And if you think of girls as in bodies to ejaculate in, that is very unhealthy. Also, you don't need to release. Some will never learn this because they fail to go a certain amount of days. But once you hit 30 days no PMO or more, you will learn and experience that you don't need to O in a certain frequence. People have gone years without releasing by direct stimulation. Please, think about it. Because, I'm sure, it'll come back and bite you in the ass otherwise...

Oh alright! Yeah you're right Pete. I hadn't thought about it this way. These are definitely some flawed thinking patterns ingrained in my brain after years of watching porn. Damn, didn't even realize how wrong I was. Your comment is definitely a learning experience, thanks for pointing this out. I will incorporate this feedback into my reboot.

I'm glad, I could be of some help. I'm rooting for you and I'm excited to follow your progress!

Today , Well from tomorrow i am going to stay accountable by commenting here , I am a 24 male and have spent a reasonable amount of money on sex, I want to stop IT NOW. I actually do, I will stop masturbation and PORN altogether , because those two eventually leads to something worse. SO today I am committing to this publicly here. PLEASE Support me through my journey and I am glad that you are holding yourself accountable here

nikkovage said:

Today , Well from tomorrow i am going to stay accountable by commenting here , I am a 24 male and have spent a reasonable amount of money on sex, I want to stop IT NOW. I actually do, I will stop masturbation and PORN altogether , because those two eventually leads to something worse. SO today I am committing to this publicly here. PLEASE Support me through my journey and I am glad that you are holding yourself accountable here

Click to expand...

Great stuff nikkovage! I will definitely support you on this journey. Sending you positive vibes and wish you great success

Also thanks again Pete. I'm always glad to see your enthusiasm and support on this forum.

Day 2

Woke up feeling relatively normal for the first time since Monday. Last three days were truly hell, I just felt so broken and isolated. However, now I'm piecing this recovery plan together and have adjusted better.

My morning wood was at about 20% this morning. Not too reassuring. However, did get some precum when I thought about the girl I was with this past weekend. Still not feeling much of a libido though (2/10).

I've been wondering about diet plans that could help me on my journey. Are there any diets, foods or supplements you guys would recommend?

Another quick tip: Try not to stress too much about morning wood and libido, especially in the beginning of the reboot. When I started my reboot in January, I instantly hit a flatline for 26 days. Completely dead dick for a month. The flatline ended with a bang (wet dream) and since then everything is back to normal, it feels. So try to relax as much as possible and focus only on staying clean and having healthy habits that keep you occupied.

Wishing you all the best!

Yeah I'm going to relax and put this problem at the back of my head. Wish you the best as well!

Day 3

Today woke up and got a really good workout in. Also went out to eat with a friend, played pool and we had a really good convo that made me forget all about my current dilemma. Also, made a major decision in choosing the classes I want to be in, which has further solidified my plans for these next couple months. All in all, I've got a solid plan now and I'm sticking to it.

Cleaned my pad as tomorrow I'm going on another date with the girl from last weekend. Strangely only slightly concerned at all about whether or not I will perform. I just want to have a good time and rewire with a real woman. I think last weekend really shocked me as I had been denying that I still had a problem, and when reality knocked (in this case, a limp willy that only rallied to action at the last minute), my body shocked me into making the strongest changes I've made to date in dealing with this problem. 

I wonder what I'll be saying in this journal later on this week. Hopefully it's something optimistic. If not though, no worries, I will continue to fight this affliction and inspire others to do the same. The story continues to unfold...

Good stuff! I always get so excited when guys with PIED go on dates with the prospect of having sex. It wants me make to go there myself and I'm terrified of sex. Really hoping everything goes well and if not that you have a good experience at least. Enjoy

Hey Pete, thanks for the encouragement. Yeah I used to be really scared, but I realize that giving into the fear only makes me more depressed. I want to live life to the fullest. I'm more scared of staying in my apartment alone and not progressing than potentially failing. The risk makes me feel alive.

Like Ricky Bobby's dad said in Talladega Nights, "You gotta learn to drive with the fear." XD hahaha

all_in_now said:

Day 3

Today woke up and got a really good workout in. Also went out to eat with a friend, played pool and we had a really good convo that made me forget all about my current dilemma. Also, made a major decision in choosing the classes I want to be in, which has further solidified my plans for these next couple months. All in all, I've got a solid plan now and I'm sticking to it.

Cleaned my pad as tomorrow I'm going on another date with the girl from last weekend. Strangely only slightly concerned at all about whether or not I will perform. I just want to have a good time and rewire with a real woman. I think last weekend really shocked me as I had been denying that I still had a problem, and when reality knocked (in this case, a limp willy that only rallied to action at the last minute), my body shocked me into making the strongest changes I've made to date in dealing with this problem. 

I wonder what I'll be saying in this journal later on this week. Hopefully it's something optimistic. If not though, no worries, I will continue to fight this affliction and inspire others to do the same. The story continues to unfold...

Click to expand...

Next week is going to be great!

Thanks bro!

Yes no worries, today is my third day- feeling confident that I can keep up - I felt one part of my brain trying to relapse but its now gone, I am here with a larger force to go against this disastrous habit ! I wish all the best to everyone and anyone who is on the same situation as we are!

Day 4

Did a really good workout again in the morning and then went on the date. It kind of seems like she lost interest as she didn't want to come home with me after the date. However, it could also be that she was telling the truth about being busy with her project. Either way, I'll reach out to her one more time and if it's a wrap then it's a wrap. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Went out last night to a bar with some friends. It went FUBAR. Turns out one of my best friends is actually a huge prick. Not going to be hanging out with him anymore  as I need all the positive energy I can get to deal with my condition.

Keeping my head up though the sea is rocky.

Day 5

Pretty chill day. Cleaned up my pad some more, played guitar and watched some shows.

I'm still in a very severe flatline. My brain is really trying to trick me into using the usual fantasy/instagram pics it needs to get a kick. However, I am not falling into the temptation as I'm willing to put in the time necessary to get out of the flatline. Still educating myself on the nature of the flatline in order to understand and beat it once and for all.

Can't lie, this flatline is making me feel pretty shit. I see all these attractive women and want to experience sex again, but I know I still need a long time to re sensitize. Sucks it had to happen on my year abroad. Damn itttt.