Deciding to finally take action - My story

Before I begin, I must admit that I knew my frequency of watching porn was going to lead to something terrible.  It wasn't until I couldn't keep an erection and close the deal for maybe the 4th or 5th time with a woman that I decided enough was enough. 

I started watching porn at age 15 and have been hooked ever since.  But recently (in the last 2/3 years), I found myself spending hours on end daily just searching for the right video to masturbate to. I would do it twice a day and sometimes was even the first thing I checked every morning before Facebook or the news.  I would stay up until 3/4am in the mornings and be dead tired for work the next day just for the pleasures.  Simply put, it was eating away at my life.  I couldn't find any interest in human interaction anymore (and I'm not only talking about sexual contact).  Honestly I couldn't last 30 seconds in a conversation with a woman without portraying her in a hot porn video I watched the night before.  The sad part was that I really enjoyed thinking about them this way, especially coworkers.  I loved to think that "okay I will get this report to you as soon as possible, but I know later tonight someone is going to **** you doggystyle and j*zz on your face so joke's on you!".  It is terrible because I 100% thought I supported feminism and empowering women with my actions, but my dark fantasies /porn tendencies are the exact opposite.  I really had no excitement in life anymore besides porn... I started drifting at work to the point where I am not being productive at all.  And I only go out to meet women in the hopes that I can recreate those scenes I've seen so many times before in porn.  Dating has become so stale for me that I only tolerate the dinner and 'getting to know you' part just so we can get to the physical part.  And even if/when that happens, I can't keep an erection long enough to have sex.

About a year ago I met and went out with this incredible woman.  I am pretty sure I loved her, but I lost her because I couldn't 'rise to the occasion' in bed.  It wasn't just that - it was because I was too embarrassed to tell her about my problem.  I kept blaming it on whiskey dick, or being nervous, but after a few more times she knew that was bullshit.  I still regret it so much that I couldn't open up to her and face my problems sooner. I recently checked her FB page and saw some pictures of her and her new bf spending Christmas together.  It makes me sad, but I'm trying to use this example for whenever I am about to have a relapse...

Earlier this year I decided to take Viagra and eventually lost my virginity to some random girl I went on 2 dates with (I'm 26).  I don't even talk to her anymore and she had no idea that was my first time.  Now, I have this thinking that I am only able to have sex when I bring the blue pill around.  It is not a good feeling at all.


So here I am. I finally decided to google the problem I suspected I had and I am so glad I found such a supportive network of people with success stories.  I guess I just need somewhere to leave my thoughts and hopefully progress since I don't really have anyone to talk to about this sensitive subject...

It's only been three days since I haven't jerked off and I feel really good that this is a first step in a long journey that would make my life so much better.

Happy new years everyone and will check back in later!

Well, I made it to day 7 and then relapsed hard... I was doing so well, was about to go to bed early before work today but then my urges just overtook me and I PMO'd once.  Back to square one now.

Well, time to come clean.  My obsession with the type of porn I am addicted to is very very embarrassing.  I've been fascinated by upskirt porn for a few years now and I am a part of another forum that is dedicated to 'creepshots'.  What's more?  A lot of the shooters operate near my office and one night, I stumbled upon my coworker who was featured in one of these videos.  I knew it was so wrong but I got the biggest erection in my life when I got to see what was under that short skirt of hers....

I have never done anything stupid like that myself.  I doubt that this fetish will lead to anything incriminating or disastrous on my part, but I am very worried.  I already deleted all the videos I have and have requested to cancel my subscription to this terrible site (paid).  To be honest I felt great after my 7 days no PMO, but in the back of my mind I was really looking forward to that eventual relapse that I would excuse myself to have and catch up on all the videos that I've missed over the week.

It's really hard for me guys, but I'm going to try much harder at containing my urges :/

I guess it's back to day 1 now...

Hello Supernova123

I am so glad to meet you because I am also addicted to upskirt porn. I have made videos myself for myself (never shared anywhere).

That is a hard trigger to eliminate. But I just watched a video of Noah B. E. Church in youtube and he gives some tips to deal with triggers. The best ways, he says, is to have a plan when you are triggered. My plan, I think and will work on it, will be justo to go away and do something else, but I mean, almost literally RUN AWAY from that girl. This on filming.

On watching, I am still thinking what would be a good plan to run away from porn.

What is your plan? Could you think of something to occupy your time with, and in case of a trigger, what could you do to avoid it?

Well, here I am over a year later and pretty mad at the past year as gone.  I caved back to my old ways with watching porn again and the effects hit me really hard.  Zombied at work, in social situations, and in general life.  I met a great girl and we dated for the better part of last year.  Was able to have regular sex with her, but I found I wasn't getting much out of it - I was constantly trying to visualize fucked up scenes I have watched instead of being in the moment.  She said she loved me a few times, but I couldn't bring myself to saying it back.  Eventually, she got the impression that I just wasn't into her and she broke it off.  I was devastated because she truly was an amazing girl and I lost out on my potential soulmate because I didn't open up due to porn.

Going to seriously try this once again.  Day 7 of no PMO and I feel great about it.  Had so many urges to relapse this week but I kept thinking of what it did driving the potential love of my life away? Going to take it day by day but it's going to end now!!

Welcome back! Maybe things didn't work out last year, but that doesn't mean you can't have more success this time around. I've been away from this forum for a week, but I know that I do better when I'm here regularly. Hopefully, you'll find the same sort of strength and support: we're here for you!

Thanks for the reply man!  Yeah, definitely going to try being on here more often; it helps a lot.  Currently on Day 9 and am very proud.  Had some really strong urges, especially when I download a random document (I think one of my triggers is browsing around in the downloads) folder, but I managed to step away from my computer and read.  I find that reading about neuroscience and your brain helps.  The more educated I become about this addiction, the more able I will be at handling it.  Started reading this book "Your Brain on Porn" and it just gives me so much hope that I can get through this.

One problem I'm experiencing right now even though it's just been 9 days without PMO, is that I get these massive erections in the middle of the night.  They actually wake me up at 3am, and I have the strongest urge to just unleash all of it.  Does this happen to anyone else?  Also is it a bad thing to MO just to get rid of the excess sperm? (without porn obviously)

Regardless, I actually feel much more clear in the way I think and generally happier and full of hope.  I'm not sure if it's a placebo effect, but the hope really makes me happy and if this is what it's like after 9 days, I'm going to definitely try going all the way

Day 10:

I have had some urges but the benefits I see are amazing.  Went for drinks with a coworker today after work and was able to hold the conversation pretty well with a clear head.  Usually I have clouded memory so I wouldn't pay attention to what he says or just forget about what he said a few minutes ago, but this time I was actually able to hold a decent conversation.  Also the bartender was smoking hot and had enormous tits, but when I interacted with her I truly didn't notice any of that, just wanted to order my drinks.  I only noticed when my coworker talked about it!  First step in less objectification of women, ftw!!

So I've been on and off of streaks since my last post here (averaging a week), before relapsing over and over.  However I'm currently on my longest streak yet at 17 days!  I feel it gets much easier at the 1.5 week mark so I need to stay strong and keep at it.  I've been reading a lot about neuroplasticity of the brain and what porn does to it.  I think one of the greatest quotes I've read was something a long the lines of "Whenever I have an urge, I don't think about noFap as something that I would have to do to have a brighter future, but rather that I'd be giving up my bright future if I give into this urge right now."

I've also made drastic changes to my life in the past month - I found a new job in a field I have passion in and am moving to a completely new city after having lived in my current one for over 5 years.  I think taking healthy calculated risks is a good thing and I'm not so sure I would have had the guts to do this if it weren't for this no PMO lifestyle as it trains my brain to delay rewards.

Hoping to post again when I hit the 30 day mark!

22 days.

Had to fight off some rather strong urges last week but am proud that I did and am keeping my longest streak ever going. It is seriously tough now because summer is coming and all the girls around me are wearing more and more revealing clothing which I found to be a trigger (ridiculous, I know).  I am thinking about working on my daygame (going up and talking to these cute girls) as I see those that trigger me on the street.  Maybe that way I rewire my brain more quickly to be rewarded with human interactions (even if it means rejection) VS running home and fapping.

Has anybody tried this to fight triggers?

25 Days.

I find it's getting harder now with stronger and stronger urges.  I find myself at times replaying porn scenes in my head from memory and having that spark anxiety and dopamine release.  I've been having some dreams lately about relapsing and feeling guilty.  Also some dreams about my ex and having her tell me everything that went wrong in the relationship.

Going to keep at it, but I'm surprised at how big the urges are coming now I honestly hope I don't relapse -_-

25 days is a great accomplishment.  Stay strong-no peeking!  Keep up the good work

Day 26

I find it's getting harder and harder as I approach the 30 day mark... My mood has been really low today and everything seemed to annoy me like crazy.  Went to the gym and that calmed me down for a bit.  Also I always feel exhausted nowadays...

Hoping this is just a temporary phase

Day 27

My mind has been wandering all over the place over the last 24 hours.  Tried keeping myself busy, but kept thinking about porn and specific fetishes and I had very very big erectionos.  It's weird because I'm expecting a flatline to come soon, but so far it seems like my brain is trying to trick me into thinking how good a PMO would feel right about now since I've gone this long.

I've also recently had some big steps and success in my life (relocated, new job, seeing results from going to the gym) and I'm starting more and more to justify a relapse since I've come so far.

Going to try and suppress the continuous urges...

Hey, I can relate to your experience. Congrats on the progress, that's really great. Days like this are tough, but if you can get through the tough days with out self destructing then that is surely a positive. All the best, try 3 deep breaths and just feeling the urge for a few minutes, then three more deep breaths. This really helps me.

Day 28: No P
Day 1: No MO

So shortly after my last post at 27 days no PMO, I couldn't take it and had to get some excess fluids out.  My brain kept wanting to trick me and relapse hard on PMO, but I decided to try and MO without Porn and it was surprisingly easy.  I'm not quite sure if this is progress since I've never attempted it before (always thought it would be boring), but it was so easy to O even with nothing in my mind.

I was actually so much more productive for the next 24 hours as I didn't have as bad an urge to PMO, however I just took a nap and had extremely vivid dreams of relapsing hard to PMO again, even consciously knowing it was a bad decision, but the fact that I MO'd last night justified this horrendous relapse.  This was all in the nap dream.  Then towards the end of the dream I'd click on the title of a video descriptive of an extreme fetish I have, but then it would buffer forever and then I woke up.  I immediately rushed to my computer, opened it up and ALMOST relapsed on P.  But then I stepped back and medidated for a bit, and then came to my senses.

I thought that MO without P would be a good thing, but this was one of the hardest urges I've had to overcome in the past 28 days... I think I better stick to no PMO entirely for the next little while...

So while I am going to reset the counter of no PMO, I will still keep track of the no P days too as I think that's quite an accomplishment

Day 29 No P
Day 2 No MO

Even though the 2 days No MO makes me a bit sad, I'm feeling much better and still have all my goals and motivation in sight.  I feel like this is a sustainable way for change.  I still have some urges but they are subsiding greatly.  I will never watch porn again and I will resist from MO as well.  2 days of noFap is obviously very little so hopefully in a weeks time I will be at Day 36 no P, Day 9 no MO!

Day 35 No P
Day 7 No MO

Today after work I suddenly had this HUGE urge to watch P.  Not even to MO from it as I wasn't even horny, but was just craving some serious stimulation since my brain has been deprived of it for 35 days.  I think it's now realizing how boring and dull "normal life" is, but this is the natural reboot/rewiring that I need to get back to as close as normal as possible.
Up until now I always had some "memory" of favorite P scenes that I could replay in my head and get some sort of dopamine rush from anxiety.  Now I find those memories getting blurrier and blurrier so I hope that's the beginning of the healing process.

Well, I've been pretty pissed at myself lately... Since my last post I have been on/off PMO with longest streaks lasting only 5 days.  Recently it's been daily and I really don't know what happened.. It's like my self control and discipline have gone out the window.  I think it all started after my first 30 day no PMO and moving to a new city.. I felt so proud of myself and felt strong urges so I decided what was the harm in MO without P?  That snowballed into me rationalizing that adding a little P back into it would not be a big issue.

I've got to start small and work towards the end goal again.. I find myself drifting and lagging behind in my (new) job, and it's been less than 1 month!  I am going to make it a priority to post on here every night before bed and make sure I'm thinking everything through thoroughly... Here's to another successful (and hopefully permanent run)

Day 1 no PMO:
Going to do some work today so that I can report back to my boss tomorrow.  Had some extremely vivid dreams last night, but more about the negative effects of porn.  In the dreams I tried to have S with both of my exes, but having PIED.  I then told them about my addiction to PMO and they both broke up with me because of it.  This didn't happen in real life as I haven't told anybody about this, but I woke up in a panic and that's what forced me to write on this forum again... Quite shocking, but a much needed wake up call

Day 5 no PMO

I felt great this week.  Not going to lie some nights I had trouble falling asleep and I've had some vivid dreams.  But when I'm at work I just am at 150% of what I usually am with PMO.  I've started a budget and have started reading more.  I'm ultimately disappointed because I would have been approaching 60 days no PMO had I not slipped up at the 30 day mark, but when I look back at how I was last year I am 300% better off.  I am now going weeks in between PMO.  Before this year it would literally be 3x a day.


Going to keep at it and continue strong!

Day 8 no PMO

Feeling pretty great.  had a strong urge after a vivid dream last night but I found that once the urge passes and you have a great day filled with hope, it gets much better.  Here's to another longggg run!