libero.ego
New Member
Hello friends,
This is not the first time i start a journal or a reboot, in fact it all began in 2012! But let us go with order. I should warn that this text contains triggers for some people, so be careful in reading. [Please, if the text is too explicit let me know, i will change it]
I am 29 and, for most of my life, i have been a porn addict. Even before i could actually ejaculate, i was masturbating myself, but not in the conventional way. I was already a feticist, trying to get images from magazines showing girls legs in high heels. Then, i would hurt myself, using toothpicks and elastic bands mostly, and masturbating during the reception of pain. I felt that this was somehow wrong, which is why i always hid this to everyone, sneaking away, hiding the best pictures i had from everybody.
Things escalated once i got internet access. I rarely watched actual porn, mostly it was fully or almost fully clothed women, in high heels and showing their legs. As i masturbated i was also punishing myself, getting more and more disgusting as the years passed. I drank my own piss, burned myself with fire, made myself bleed, and all this while looking at strip tease videos, never very explicit. Thinking back, it excited me the mystery of what was hidden behind those tight clothes. I do not know why, but a girl in high heels makes me hornier than a naked one, and it has always been like so.
This was bad enough, but i had yet to discover the world of femdom, in which these fetishes are exploited and accompanied by the instructions of the domme. When i found out about this porn genre, i was 17. Of course i jumped into it like bees on honey. Masturbating every time i could, going lower and lower in the humiliating tasks that were shouted at me. I would spend hours searching for the most humiliating clips, preparing my session like a ritual. I had to be naked, sitting on the floor, get as much humiliation and pain i could, and only when i couldn't take it anymore cum. The best days of my life were when my parents were away. So i could extend these sessions entire afternoons and into the night.
I felt alienated, like this was my bane, my curse, like i was a pervert and i would never be capable of having a normal life. I was also a late virgin, and the few experiences i had with girls ended up in failure. Of course i had PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction), given the amount of porn i was consuming. The night i was supposed to lose my virginity (age 21) i had watched humiliation porn the whole day, hearing over and over that i was not good enough, that women did not want me, etc. My dick was completely dead, nothing to do. But still it did not occur to me that it could have been the porn. So much i was blind, i though that the girl i was with simply was not hot enough for me. What an idiot!
The year after, however, i had my first real girlfriend. She was cute, i liked her, so the excuse was gone! And guess what? Still completely dead dick. Through intense stimulation i was able to get semi erect while she masturbated me, and cum like that, as i was masturbating her. This went on for a while, never i could attempt penetration, but somehow i was content. Yes, content of using porn and having a girlfriend that i cannot fuck!
It was then that i discovered yourbrainonporn.com. It came as a divine revelation, it explained why i was not able to get erect. Of course the first thing i did was to stop with porn. I was still together with that girl, so i thought it is just a matter of time, i reboot, then i can finally lose my virginity. But alas femdom addiction is vicious, and it does not work like that.
To understand, you have to appreciate what my addiction is based upon: humiliation and pain. I get excited by mean girls literally calling me a loser, a porn addict, a chronic masturbator. The closer to reality these insults are, the more powerful the effect. So, when i first tried to quit porn, i only lasted two weeks. Then i relapsed, again and again. And then things got much worse: i broke up with my girlfriend, without ever being able to have sex, and the addiction acquired a new tool. I could be humiliated for being a virgin, having erectile dysfunction and for being unable to stop porn! Just the fact that i was addicted became an exploitable element by the dommes i was following.
I was getting turned on by the fact of being an addict, and the inability of staying away from porn became a new fetish. I would purposely get hypnotized, being called weak and inferior, and it was so powerful, because it became real. I believed those words, believed i was an inferior male and i would jerk off compulsively upon hearing that. The reboot did not go very far back then, i gave it a few tries, but always ended up relapsing. Eventually i gave up, and accepted my condition. I was hoping, deep down, that some day this would come to an end, cursing myself, cursing this addiction, but never doing anything to change it.
I moved to a new city and, from outside, my life seemed perfect: I had very good grades, had friends, did a lot of sport, traveled to all corners of Europe. I got another girlfriend, in 2015, and this time i did thing right. I stopped porn for a few weeks, stalling things in bed with this new girl until finally i lost my virginity. We started having sex somewhat regularly, but it was not feeling all that great. Now i know that the reason was simply that i did not reboot fully, but at the time I did not know better, and frustration started building up. Eventually, i relapsed again. I got some pills online (some natural thing called libido forte, which does not require prescriptions), and manage for a while to have both porn and a girlfriend. How stupid can a man be?
Things got worse again, when my girlfriend, which was in town for erasmus, left the city. We tried long distance for a while, but obviously it did not work. It did not help at all that i was still using porn all the time, and the willingness to make it work, from both parts, was not strong enough.
I started to work, as a researcher at university. I met many girls, and dating them and making out was not a problem for me. I think i am attractive, and my personality seems to be liked by women. So I started dismissing the problem of pornography, telling myself ''it is a phase, when it will be passed I can get all the women i want!'' But a phase that had been lasting for more than 10 years!
Plus i had my pills, which had proven effective, and so i was not so worried about PIED anymore. But still, for 3 years i did not have sex at all. I had a few one night stands, but still could not have sex either because of PIED, or she had her period or i was scared of PIED and called things off. I still repeated myself ''it's a phase'' and got even further down the rabbit hole.
A new fetish appeared, that of financial domination. I would pay ridiculously overpriced videos to get insulted, tortured, denied. And i wanted to pay more, all the time. I would be commanded to do so, hypnotized, brainwashed. Willingly. All in order to pay more. I even bought one chastity device, which i would wear to prevent myself from even getting hard, so i could get hornier and be more willing to spend! And i did spend a lot. All to get only insults and torture.
When you get into a routine like this, it is very hard to get out. And in my case this is not all: on top of all i described, i got addicted to marijuana. So every weekend i would get high, spend hours buying those clips, hours getting denied and hypnotized and only then i would be allowed (by the dominatrix) to masturbate.
This was my routine: work, get high, buy clips, masturbate, repeat. On a cycle, a terrible cycle that was only getting worse: fetishes escalated once more, i started using tools for anal penetration, just to comply with what the dominatrix was saying. I got less friends, i was going out less, sport became a burden, i stopped doing many of my hobbies. I started feeling like my life was over. I started accepting the cycle, accepting that there was no way out, and that it was not so bad after all. Consuming 1 gram of weed a day, spending 500 dollars a month in clips, getting less ambitious, more and more introvert and with more and more social anxiety. I was wasting my life, and my talents, into addictions.
I still managed to complete a PhD, and at least on the work side maintain a sort of vision for the future. But i was, ultimately, deeply unhappy.
But this all changed last March: i met a girl, a hot, amazing girl, with whom i have a lot in common. We started dating, and since then, i stopped with porn.
At first, when we tried sex, my pills worked, i got semi erect and managed to stuff it into a condom and start penetration. I felt nothing, though, and had to put a lot
of effort in staying erect and cumming. Then, even with the pill, i had PIED, except it was not really PIED, i was flatlining!!!
I remember reading about it, and how this is the first step of recovery. I was actually happy, never in the past 10 years i had been able to reach the flatline (for me it seems to occur around the third - forth week of no porn), and decided my girlfriend deserved an explanation. I did not want to risk our relationship getting ruined because of lack of communication, so i explained the whole thing. I told her i was a porn addict, even though i lied on the genre, and told her i stopped and needed to reboot. She was so sweet, accepting it, and accepting to help. We fooled around in the meantime, i got partially erect why allowed her to jerk me off, but mostly tried to give her pleasure with my fingers and mouth.
Then, one day, almost magically, the erection was there, rock solid, and I had sex. It felt like something i never felt before, much better than porn ever did, and the orgasms have only kept becoming better since. Sex became regular, and it is now truly intense and a wonderful experience, also thanks to being communicative, and asking things to each other. I am happy, for the first time in a while, of my situation. Then, you might think, why bother writing a journal here?
Well, there are things that i still have not achieved, and i realized i cannot do that on my own.
Ok, this is already a super long post, so i will cut it here. I thank anybody that took the time to read this!
This is not the first time i start a journal or a reboot, in fact it all began in 2012! But let us go with order. I should warn that this text contains triggers for some people, so be careful in reading. [Please, if the text is too explicit let me know, i will change it]
I am 29 and, for most of my life, i have been a porn addict. Even before i could actually ejaculate, i was masturbating myself, but not in the conventional way. I was already a feticist, trying to get images from magazines showing girls legs in high heels. Then, i would hurt myself, using toothpicks and elastic bands mostly, and masturbating during the reception of pain. I felt that this was somehow wrong, which is why i always hid this to everyone, sneaking away, hiding the best pictures i had from everybody.
Things escalated once i got internet access. I rarely watched actual porn, mostly it was fully or almost fully clothed women, in high heels and showing their legs. As i masturbated i was also punishing myself, getting more and more disgusting as the years passed. I drank my own piss, burned myself with fire, made myself bleed, and all this while looking at strip tease videos, never very explicit. Thinking back, it excited me the mystery of what was hidden behind those tight clothes. I do not know why, but a girl in high heels makes me hornier than a naked one, and it has always been like so.
This was bad enough, but i had yet to discover the world of femdom, in which these fetishes are exploited and accompanied by the instructions of the domme. When i found out about this porn genre, i was 17. Of course i jumped into it like bees on honey. Masturbating every time i could, going lower and lower in the humiliating tasks that were shouted at me. I would spend hours searching for the most humiliating clips, preparing my session like a ritual. I had to be naked, sitting on the floor, get as much humiliation and pain i could, and only when i couldn't take it anymore cum. The best days of my life were when my parents were away. So i could extend these sessions entire afternoons and into the night.
I felt alienated, like this was my bane, my curse, like i was a pervert and i would never be capable of having a normal life. I was also a late virgin, and the few experiences i had with girls ended up in failure. Of course i had PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction), given the amount of porn i was consuming. The night i was supposed to lose my virginity (age 21) i had watched humiliation porn the whole day, hearing over and over that i was not good enough, that women did not want me, etc. My dick was completely dead, nothing to do. But still it did not occur to me that it could have been the porn. So much i was blind, i though that the girl i was with simply was not hot enough for me. What an idiot!
The year after, however, i had my first real girlfriend. She was cute, i liked her, so the excuse was gone! And guess what? Still completely dead dick. Through intense stimulation i was able to get semi erect while she masturbated me, and cum like that, as i was masturbating her. This went on for a while, never i could attempt penetration, but somehow i was content. Yes, content of using porn and having a girlfriend that i cannot fuck!
It was then that i discovered yourbrainonporn.com. It came as a divine revelation, it explained why i was not able to get erect. Of course the first thing i did was to stop with porn. I was still together with that girl, so i thought it is just a matter of time, i reboot, then i can finally lose my virginity. But alas femdom addiction is vicious, and it does not work like that.
To understand, you have to appreciate what my addiction is based upon: humiliation and pain. I get excited by mean girls literally calling me a loser, a porn addict, a chronic masturbator. The closer to reality these insults are, the more powerful the effect. So, when i first tried to quit porn, i only lasted two weeks. Then i relapsed, again and again. And then things got much worse: i broke up with my girlfriend, without ever being able to have sex, and the addiction acquired a new tool. I could be humiliated for being a virgin, having erectile dysfunction and for being unable to stop porn! Just the fact that i was addicted became an exploitable element by the dommes i was following.
I was getting turned on by the fact of being an addict, and the inability of staying away from porn became a new fetish. I would purposely get hypnotized, being called weak and inferior, and it was so powerful, because it became real. I believed those words, believed i was an inferior male and i would jerk off compulsively upon hearing that. The reboot did not go very far back then, i gave it a few tries, but always ended up relapsing. Eventually i gave up, and accepted my condition. I was hoping, deep down, that some day this would come to an end, cursing myself, cursing this addiction, but never doing anything to change it.
I moved to a new city and, from outside, my life seemed perfect: I had very good grades, had friends, did a lot of sport, traveled to all corners of Europe. I got another girlfriend, in 2015, and this time i did thing right. I stopped porn for a few weeks, stalling things in bed with this new girl until finally i lost my virginity. We started having sex somewhat regularly, but it was not feeling all that great. Now i know that the reason was simply that i did not reboot fully, but at the time I did not know better, and frustration started building up. Eventually, i relapsed again. I got some pills online (some natural thing called libido forte, which does not require prescriptions), and manage for a while to have both porn and a girlfriend. How stupid can a man be?
Things got worse again, when my girlfriend, which was in town for erasmus, left the city. We tried long distance for a while, but obviously it did not work. It did not help at all that i was still using porn all the time, and the willingness to make it work, from both parts, was not strong enough.
I started to work, as a researcher at university. I met many girls, and dating them and making out was not a problem for me. I think i am attractive, and my personality seems to be liked by women. So I started dismissing the problem of pornography, telling myself ''it is a phase, when it will be passed I can get all the women i want!'' But a phase that had been lasting for more than 10 years!
Plus i had my pills, which had proven effective, and so i was not so worried about PIED anymore. But still, for 3 years i did not have sex at all. I had a few one night stands, but still could not have sex either because of PIED, or she had her period or i was scared of PIED and called things off. I still repeated myself ''it's a phase'' and got even further down the rabbit hole.
A new fetish appeared, that of financial domination. I would pay ridiculously overpriced videos to get insulted, tortured, denied. And i wanted to pay more, all the time. I would be commanded to do so, hypnotized, brainwashed. Willingly. All in order to pay more. I even bought one chastity device, which i would wear to prevent myself from even getting hard, so i could get hornier and be more willing to spend! And i did spend a lot. All to get only insults and torture.
When you get into a routine like this, it is very hard to get out. And in my case this is not all: on top of all i described, i got addicted to marijuana. So every weekend i would get high, spend hours buying those clips, hours getting denied and hypnotized and only then i would be allowed (by the dominatrix) to masturbate.
This was my routine: work, get high, buy clips, masturbate, repeat. On a cycle, a terrible cycle that was only getting worse: fetishes escalated once more, i started using tools for anal penetration, just to comply with what the dominatrix was saying. I got less friends, i was going out less, sport became a burden, i stopped doing many of my hobbies. I started feeling like my life was over. I started accepting the cycle, accepting that there was no way out, and that it was not so bad after all. Consuming 1 gram of weed a day, spending 500 dollars a month in clips, getting less ambitious, more and more introvert and with more and more social anxiety. I was wasting my life, and my talents, into addictions.
I still managed to complete a PhD, and at least on the work side maintain a sort of vision for the future. But i was, ultimately, deeply unhappy.
But this all changed last March: i met a girl, a hot, amazing girl, with whom i have a lot in common. We started dating, and since then, i stopped with porn.
At first, when we tried sex, my pills worked, i got semi erect and managed to stuff it into a condom and start penetration. I felt nothing, though, and had to put a lot
of effort in staying erect and cumming. Then, even with the pill, i had PIED, except it was not really PIED, i was flatlining!!!
I remember reading about it, and how this is the first step of recovery. I was actually happy, never in the past 10 years i had been able to reach the flatline (for me it seems to occur around the third - forth week of no porn), and decided my girlfriend deserved an explanation. I did not want to risk our relationship getting ruined because of lack of communication, so i explained the whole thing. I told her i was a porn addict, even though i lied on the genre, and told her i stopped and needed to reboot. She was so sweet, accepting it, and accepting to help. We fooled around in the meantime, i got partially erect why allowed her to jerk me off, but mostly tried to give her pleasure with my fingers and mouth.
Then, one day, almost magically, the erection was there, rock solid, and I had sex. It felt like something i never felt before, much better than porn ever did, and the orgasms have only kept becoming better since. Sex became regular, and it is now truly intense and a wonderful experience, also thanks to being communicative, and asking things to each other. I am happy, for the first time in a while, of my situation. Then, you might think, why bother writing a journal here?
Well, there are things that i still have not achieved, and i realized i cannot do that on my own.
- I still use pills to have sex. I am sure they are not really needed, since with them i basically stay erect from when i see her to when i cum, but i am insecure and have not yet managed to find the courage to abandon them.
- I still check regularly porn websites. While i have managed to stop myself every time except one, the risk of a relapse is always there on my neck, and checking porn, no matter for how little time, is like walking on eggs: sooner or later one will break. I do not want to lose all the work achieved so far, I do not want to lose my girlfriend because of porn, I have already wasted enough time with it.
- I still smoke almost a gram of weed a day. I know this is not a forum about these addictions, but i believe that in my case the two addictions are interlinked, and I need to stop with weed
as well as with porn to consider myself healed. On top of that i am a heavy cigarettes smoker, which is starting to impact my health.
Ok, this is already a super long post, so i will cut it here. I thank anybody that took the time to read this!