My New Plan For Change

I have been struggling to overcome my addiction to porn for about 6 years now. I've had several streaks since 2013 and have never been able to quit for good. I'm trying to change that now. I want to go all out on ending this problem forever.

Here's what I'm doing:

• I have a strong filter installed on my laptop and phone.
• On top of that strong filter, I have another filter called Pluckeye that removes all images and videos by default unless you whitelist specific sites.
• By default, my Internet is turned off. During the day, Pluckeye is set up to only allow Internet access after wait 15 minutes. During night, the delay is 1 hour.
• When I am at home, I am using an app on my phone called Offtime that blocks all apps except the important ones I need. If I am tempted to circumvent Offtime and access porn, I have another app that blocks my entire phone for an hour.
• I am working on my meditation habit and developing mindfulness to help myself cope with urges.
• Once I have strong mindfulness habits, I plan to resume a good workout routine.
• I'm setting goals to go back to college and work on computer programming. I have a project I'm working on too, and am planning to one day become a software developer.
• Lastly, I am looking into finding a recovery group again, finding an accountability partner, and maybe finding a coach or counselor. I am not going back to Sex Addicts Anonymous though because I find the religious nature of that program objectionable, and to those who say the program "is spiritual, but not religious", I don't buy that statement for one minute.

Welcome and all the best for your journey! 

Savagesauce said:

I have been struggling to overcome my addiction to porn for about 6 years now. I've had several streaks since 2013 and have never been able to quit for good. I'm trying to change that now. I want to go all out on ending this problem forever.

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Same here, also struggling since more than half a decade now. Good to see more people who don't just give up, but keep fighting!

Savagesauce said:

• I have a strong filter installed on my laptop and phone.
• On top of that strong filter, I have another filter called Pluckeye that removes all images and videos by default unless you whitelist specific sites.
• By default, my Internet is turned off. During the day, Pluckeye is set up to only allow Interbnet access after wait 15 minutes. During night, the delay is 1 hour.
• When I am at home, I am using an app on my phone called Offtime that blocks all apps except the important ones I need. If I am tempted to circumvent Offtime and access porn, I have another app that blocks my entire phone for an hour.

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As you want to work in programming you seem to know about computers and phones - are those blockers reliable or did you just start using them? Whatever I used on my phone I got around too easy at some point and relapsed.

You know, honestly, blockers aren't very reliable. It may actually be foolish to depend on them if I am so tech-savvy.

Day 1

I haven't check in here in a while. I am pornfree today, but am struggling with compulsive MO still. I find it very hard to quit. I am afraid that if I give up MO I will get strong cravings and go back to a full-blown porn relapse. However, thinking that way isn't helpful. I need to see porn use not as some sort of thing I will "slip into", and as a voluntary choice. I choose not to look at porn because I know life is better without it.

Whenever I flirt with MO, it only makes me want PMO more. For a long time, I thought that the little release valves (M without O, checking out girls in a gross way, etc.) were harmless and maybe even helpful because they weren't PMO. But that was wrong. All those little things just triggered the dopamine in my brain and made me want PMO even more. One of the most helpful things for me has been catching all the little habits that I just overlooked before but that have been keeping me addicted. It makes sense to think that MO will keep you safer from PMO, but in my experience that's just not true. Good to be aware of it.

Life is better without it, and it definitely has to be a deliberate choice. Of course, our brains are used to "slipping into" PMO sort of by default, so it's good to set up some protections for ourselves. Blockers won't help us if we're really determined, but I see mine as an added layer of protection against accidental exposure to things that might trigger me.

Keep up the good work!

Welcome, good luck, and take exceptional care of yourself

I've been trying (and failing) to abstain from porn for about 2 years now, but everything clicked after reading Gary Wilson's book "Your Brain On Porn". Highly recommend it. Knowledge is an essential resource in dealing with addiction.

Another thing I find to be useful is to be disgusted with porn scenarios. Most porn fetishes tend to be woman-degrading, while some are downright violations to human rights. In order to be sex-positive (that is, vanilla consensual sex-positive) it's safer to stay away from porn world.

Day 2

I was getting ready today for a short backpacking trip, and as I was packing my backpack broke. I'm a little shook up by this. I'm trying to keep a cool head and re-plan my trip, delaying it to tomorrow. I am a little tempted to feel sorry for myself and go on a porn binge right now, even though it won't solve my problems at all. A binge would just be a pointless distraction.

I'm taking a break right now and am just trying to calm down. I get upset easily when my plans fail.

BlueHeronFan said:

Whenever I flirt with MO, it only makes me want PMO more. For a long time, I thought that the little release valves (M without O, checking out girls in a gross way, etc.) were harmless and maybe even helpful because they weren't PMO. But that was wrong. All those little things just triggered the dopamine in my brain and made me want PMO even more. One of the most helpful things for me has been catching all the little habits that I just overlooked before but that have been keeping me addicted. It makes sense to think that MO will keep you safer from PMO, but in my experience that's just not true. Good to be aware of it.

Life is better without it, and it definitely has to be a deliberate choice. Of course, our brains are used to "slipping into" PMO sort of by default, so it's good to set up some protections for ourselves. Blockers won't help us if we're really determined, but I see mine as an added layer of protection against accidental exposure to things that might trigger me.

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Bingo. Exactly what's on my mind.

There comes a time when you say: "Okay, no more PMO. That's it!" But the brain loves pleasure. It is constructed that way and a lot of times this is harmful for us. So when you tell your brain that you are not going to give it PMO anymore, it says, in "its" mind (it's actually funny to write it this way but I can't otherwise): "Oh, so you don't want to give me PMO anymore? Fine but do you think you will get away? I have my tricks." And it starts its tricks. One of them is making you search for "harmless" stuff like photos or M without O to fantasies. It's like "microdosing". "Give me something, no matter how small! But, you don't know that the first glass will make you want the whole bottle!" If you are actually following a recovery plan, you should identify this trick. Then you will see that those "harmless" things are not harmless at all. They always push you back to what the brain loves the most: The fucking PMO, the crack pipe.

In the same category is masturbation. P addicts ask about masturbation all the time. "Is it all right to masturbate?" For most people it isn't because it makes them go back to PMO. Imagine this: We've been flooding our dopamine receptors for years. We've been to extremes, pushing our stimulation to the limit with P. Right now, we are not "normal" people. It's like drinking beer hopping we will not go back to vodka. We need time to heal that part, and after this we could masturbate, maybe.

This is just my opinion.

Savagesauce said:

Day 2

I was getting ready today for a short backpacking trip, and as I was packing my backpack broke. I'm a little shook up by this. I'm trying to keep a cool head and re-plan my trip, delaying it to tomorrow. I am a little tempted to feel sorry for myself and go on a porn binge right now, even though it won't solve my problems at all. A binge would just be a pointless distraction.

I'm taking a break right now and am just trying to calm down. I get upset easily when my plans fail.

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You know, man, I've been realizing in the last few days just how much the little disappointments get to me. You're right that a binge would be a pointless distraction, but I also know the feeling. "Well if X isn't working out, then why not just go back to porn?"

Addiction is a coping mechanism, a way of dealing with stress and negative emotions. Finding better ways to deal with those emotions is key. Definitely take some time to calm down and take care of yourself without resorting to porn.

Another Day 2 Update

Instead of relapsing, I took today as an opportunity to repair my backpack and learn how to sew. It's back in working order, and I'm ready to hit the trail tomorrow!

Day 3

I woke up with some strong urges to MO. I know that to act on these urges could lead back to full-blown PMO, so I am trying to resist them. I am feeling uncomfortable right now. I don't know what to do yet about feeling uncomfortably aroused.

Hey, congrats on learning to sew! That's awesome.

I don't know that I have a great answer about how to deal with feeling aroused. I think on some level you just have to acknowledge it but focus on doing other things. Sometimes meditating or exercising help me deal with the strong urges, but sometimes I just have to work through them. I think that's the hardest part, dealing with those strong physical feelings of arousal. But it's helpful to know that they are just feelings, they can't hurt you or force you to do anything you don't want to do. And they quiet down eventually. They aren't strong forever, so you just need to take care of yourself and get through them.

Day 0

After getting back home from my backpacking trip, I go and look at porn. That was so dumb. It didn't give me what I wanted. I don't know why I keep doing this. I'm going to start again with no PMO.

Savagesauce said:

Day 0

After getting back home from my backpacking trip, I go and look at porn. That was so dumb. It didn't give me what I wanted. I don't know why I keep doing this. I'm going to start again with no PMO.

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PMO is two things: Pleasure and self-medication/cope/escapism. That's why we keep doing this until we find a way to give up the pleasure and we find a way to deal with our problems without it.

Day 0

I PMO'd again. Why can't I stop?

BlueHeronFan said:

Hey, congrats on learning to sew! That's awesome.

I don't know that I have a great answer about how to deal with feeling aroused. I think on some level you just have to acknowledge it but focus on doing other things. Sometimes meditating or exercising help me deal with the strong urges, but sometimes I just have to work through them. I think that's the hardest part, dealing with those strong physical feelings of arousal. But it's helpful to know that they are just feelings, they can't hurt you or force you to do anything you don't want to do. And they quiet down eventually. They aren't strong forever, so you just need to take care of yourself and get through them.

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I know exactly what you mean, bro. There are so many things you can do in a day to deal with urges. You stay busy but sometimes you have to rest too. Sometimes it's 2 A.M and you have urges. Sometimes you just have to push through them as you don't really have an alternative. I haven't been doing a good job at this because my relapses always started with urges.

Savagesauce said:

Day 0

I PMO'd again. Why can't I stop?

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Sorry man!

If you're anything like me, it's hard to stop because there's a part of you that doesn't want to stop. PMO is fun and it feels good, why would you give that up? Obviously because it's ruining your life (but it feels so good!) Our brains are relentless.

There are two things about recovery that I've been thinking about lately. One is that I've only recently started to realize that there is a difference between wanting to quit and deciding to quit. I have wanted to quit for something like 10 years (or maybe more), but I only really decided to quit this year. By that I mean that I have only really started to hold myself accountable and to commit to weeding out all the little habits and attitudes that contribute to my addiction. It isn't just about not watching porn and not masturbating. It's about giving up the little things that give me that dopamine hit, the things that "feel good."

The other thing, is that recovery doesn't mean just waking up one day and not wanting PMO. I don't know if that will ever happen (or at least not happen very quick). I've been going for almost 4 months without PMO, but I still have moments throughout the day where I want it. The point isn't to quit wanting it. For me at least, the point is to choose not to PMO even though I want to.

But it's also true that it's taken me over 10 years to get to this point. Even when we're doing everything right, it still takes time to heal our broken brain chemistry. It's important to stick with and keep trying even when we keep relapsing. Over time, we'll get better and better at dealing with urges and triggers.

Day 1

No PMO today. I'm reworking my plan for getting clean and staying that way. I have my Internet access turned off by default again, and I am seeking professional help. I plan to find an accountability partner as well. To deal with strong urges to MO when I wake up in the morning, which can lead back to a relapse with PMO, I have decided to sleep on the floor and wear my daytime clothes. I noticed that my brain is wired to associate my normal bedtime and wake routines with MO and PMO, so avoiding those situations will trigger me less. I don't know if I'm taking this too far, but benefits of making these sacrifices seems to outweigh the costs. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Savagesauce said:

Day 1

To deal with strong urges to MO when I wake up in the morning, which can lead back to a relapse with PMO, I have decided to sleep on the floor and wear my daytime clothes. I noticed that my brain is wired to associate my normal bedtime and wake routines with MO and PMO, so avoiding those situations will trigger me less. I don't know if I'm taking this too far, but benefits of making these sacrifices seems to outweigh the costs. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

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I can definitely agree with the change in environment. I've experienced the environment as a trigger. I would be outside with no urges only to return to my bedroom and start having hard urges for PMO, because that was the place where I always did it. Gabe Deem has also said he changed his environment, moving the furniture around, moving the computer to a different place and stuff like that. It might help.

Savagesauce said:

I have been struggling to overcome my addiction to porn for about 6 years now. I've had several streaks since 2013 and have never been able to quit for good. I'm trying to change that now. I want to go all out on ending this problem forever.

Here's what I'm doing:

• I have a strong filter installed on my laptop and phone.
• On top of that strong filter, I have another filter called Pluckeye that removes all images and videos by default unless you whitelist specific sites.
• By default, my Internet is turned off. During the day, Pluckeye is set up to only allow Interbnet access after wait 15 minutes. During night, the delay is 1 hour.
• When I am at home, I am using an app on my phone called Offtime that blocks all apps except the important ones I need. If I am tempted to circumvent Offtime and access porn, I have another app that blocks my entire phone for an hour.
• I am working on my meditation habit and developing mindfulness to help myself cope with urges.
• Once I have strong mindfulness habits, I plan to resume a good workout routine.
• I'm setting goals to go back to college and work on computer programming. I have a project I'm working on too, and am planning to one day become a software developer.
• Lastly, I am looking into finding a recovery group again, finding an accountability partner, and maybe finding a coach or counselor. I am not going back to Sex Addicts Anonymous though because I find the religious nature of that program objectionable, and to those who say the program "is spiritual, but not religious", I don't buy that statement for one minute.

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Hey Savage,

Just came across your journal and I've gotta say, your opening post is inspiring as hell!

I was clean for 9 months when in 2014 when I was 21-22, and the exact way I did it was by developing a strong meditation/mindfulness habit. I was also working out, but that was secondary to whenever I got an urge, just closing my laptop and sitting. Just sitting. Not pushing the mind, not pulling the mind. I was also posting in a recovery forum much like this one regularly. Writing things down and being greeted by nothing but love and support from a community that understands was reinvigorating and really made me realise I was not alone in this.

After meditating so regularly, I started to realise how busy the mind can be with all these thoughts of porn that feel like they are impossible to kick. I'd have good days and bad days, but meditation isn't about whether it was 'good' or 'bad'. It's not about judging, rather, the opposite.

It's been 5 years since my clean streak, I'm now lucky enough to be married to the love of my life, and now I need to get back into the habit, too of abstaining from the moreish crack-pipe of porn. For me, my main trigger has been boredom, and the isolation of moving countries numerous times and having to start everything from scratch.

I hope to support you in whatever way I can. I'll try and check in regularly. I hope in the meantime you're doing well.

Peace and Love, brother,

- Adventurer