A time for moving forward.

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NesFlash

Member
Hello all, and thanks for taking the time to tune in to my story :)

I'm a 27 year old guy, and I've grown addicted to porn from a very early age. Some friends of mine when I was kid discovered the power of Google and how it could request any random whim a 10 year old could have. One of those being, of course, "boobs". It's actually pretty innocent looking back. It wasn't rare to encounter said "boobs" in a crummy magazine in an odd yard sale somewhere in the middle of Virginia. But the internet being what it is, it didn't really stop there. After having typed another keyword relating to the same lexicon, I found what I was looking for : a woman posing naked on a rock. It shocked me, it felt wrong, it excited me, and I quickly closed the tab, but Pandora's box lay way open for my teenage years to claim this newfound place a hiding spot for whenever I'd feel down. A string of random things (that aren't really interesting to detail here) later and this belief was deeply embedded in me. It wasn't somewhere I belonged, but it was damn close.

It took me a while to realize I had a problem. Not until I was in my early twenties did I realise I'd been giving in to addictive behaviours, and pretty badly at that. I could PMO up to 5 times a day, and my average would be once or twice in the crux of my experience with porn. I did a handful of shameful things, just enough that it makes me cringe just thinking about it. I went to SLAA meetings for several months when I discovered they actually existed. It was a godsend, but I grew silently arrogant and decided it wasn't for me, that I'd successfully rebooted. And in a way, I had. I was on a 6 month leave from Porn, and it felt great. Since then I've relapsed and quit and relapsed and quit again, and I'm thinking of attending more SLAA meetings.

Now, my sex life is doing great ! I've never had the porn-world creep into the bedroom, and that is a blessing. But my love life is a mess. While I am learning the significance and the reality of true intimacy, I still overthink things and I get overly attached very quickly. My mental health is not always good, I can have positive days but when I'm down I am way down. I think I'm an ugly human being, that I won't achieve anything, no confidence, blablabla... It's a real downer, I won't lie. It's hell to go through, and it's the main reason I started this journal. I can talk about feeling down with my friends, but they won't ever know the root of why I feel this way. Just like in those SLAA meetings, I know there are kindred souls here who have and are going through similar experiences, and I'm looking forward to interacting with all of you here.

Thank you for helping me out in my healing, maybe I'll be able to help out in return.
Deeply grateful.
 
B

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Hey, man, good to read your story. I've had a similar trajectory (started early, late 20s now), and it's a tough thing. But I think this is a great step. Posting here and talking to the other guys has really helped me a lot. I'm still cautious about things every day, but I also feel like I'm doing better at fighting this thing than ever before.

Porn has a way of busting us down and making us feel like total garbage. I know some of those feelings that you talked about. But it's not real. It's just one of the ways it keeps us addicted.

Here's to better days and kicking this habit once and for all!
 
L

Lero

Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
Hey, man, good to read your story. I've had a similar trajectory (started early, late 20s now), and it's a tough thing. But I think this is a great step. Posting here and talking to the other guys has really helped me a lot. I'm still cautious about things every day, but I also feel like I'm doing better at fighting this thing than ever before.

Porn has a way of busting us down and making us feel like total garbage. I know some of those feelings that you talked about. But it's not real. It's just one of the ways it keeps us addicted.

Here's to better days and kicking this habit once and for all!
Click to expand...

Well said, man. I know how this feels. Sometimes I can't believe that it's been a few years and I still haven't quit this shit. However, the idea is not to waste the time. If we haven't let the time go to waste, even if it's been years, we have learned a lot by now. If now is when we start, the same mentality is applicable for the future. Learn from all the relapses and tough times. Eventually, after we figure out what exactly to do, we will finally do it but it's a process, a plan. Anxiety, being fed up with P or having problems because of P (like ED) could make us lose patience and develop this mentality like "I want to quit NOW! Fuck waiting! How long is this gonna take? It's been fucking years!" I know cause I felt like that a lot but it hasn't been helping me so I had to teach myself to have patience and trust the plan.
 
Fappy

Fappy

Respected Member
Thanks for your journal! A lot of us here have had similar experiences. Its just as you said, it takes time and determination. But it really does get easier as the days and weeks pile up and your dopamine levels return to something resembling human.
You know the phrases, Would you walk across hot coals for.... or, Would you climb to the top of a mountain if it meant....?
Well, think of the reboot as the hot coals youve got to walk over to get there. trust me, at the other side of it its totally worth it!
 
N

NesFlash

Member
Hey guys, thanks for all of your messages and support. It's just like Russel Brand says in his book Recovery, I'm just willing to unfuck myself out of this, basically ! And I realised that external help can and will definitely help, and this is one of my external helps, so thanks again for the welcome.

I almost relapsed earlier but was saved by the knowledge of you guys having my back.
Cheers !
 
N

NesFlash

Member
Welp, I guess it's time for a weekly update.
I'm starting to feel better and better by the day, I've made some real steps forward for my own well-being.
One of these significant steps has been asking for professional help. A good friend of mine suggested a couple or therapists in my area and I booked a meeting with two of them, to see which one would suit me better. Just that has had a positive impact, and has lead me to be more generous towards myself and my friends. Not a "dangerous" generous, as in one that would lead me back to a relapse, but just cutting myself some slack in general, and learning to be more giving to my friends. I bought birthday gifts for two friends and seeing their face light up as they opened them was a treat. It made me really happy.

I also discovered that I've been in a competition of some sorts with myself, trying to one-up myself whenever I could. Showing that I was better... than myself. It seems so weird and paradoxical but it rings very true. So learning this today has been a real breakthrough, and I hope it'll be something that opens it's wings even further over time.

Recovery is good, though hardships are still aplenty. I also went through a breakup after a short but intense phase with someone else. It's been hard, but it teaches me so much about myself and relationships, so I'm grateful. But hard as well, goddam. I may post more about this later, but for now I'll say that I'm still moving forward, a day at a time.
 
B

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
Sounds like great progress, glad to hear it!

Sorry to hear about the break up. I went through a messy kind of slow breakup recently, and it was really awful. Stay strong!

And I'm with you: it's been amazing how much I've learned about myself while working on my recovery. I never would have thought it would mean so much self-discovery, but it has really forced me to dig deep and learn a lot about me and my needs. It's awesome to hear that you're making similar discoveries. I think we can deal with our addictions much better when we understand what makes us tick.
 
N

NesFlash

Member
Thanks guys for the support!
Another week, another update.

I've just veered off on another almost-relapse, watched some porn pictures and managed to get out before anything physical happened. It sucks that it can still bring me under a spell, still to this day. It's rare, and for several months it's never lead to anything, but still. The feeling inside, the way it stays with me afterwards, that's very real and it makes me feel ugly.
I noticed a few things that make me come back to porn now and again, and I think making a list of those things will help me clear my head from what I just scrolled through and help me focus on getting back on track.

-First off, there's the sense of community. Something that had me gravitate and stay in porn-land was seeing people share the content they liked, comment, favorite, whatever... the community built around porn, sadly enough, duped me into thinking this was a welcome place to stay, we weren't doing anything wrong right? Just looking. Being young and impressionable I just thought that everything was indeed fine, "everybody does this, if it's available that means there's nothing wrong at all", was what I was telling myself. And you'll always find people ready to build an argument around why they're not in the wrong, or even sometimes defending certain extreme kinks or distorted views they can have of porn and the world... and that's why it's important for me to be here on this forum, to have another, stronger, sane environment.
-Secondly, I have plans for tonight and I want to do things in the meantime, but I procrastinate and don't do the very simple things I could've done hours ago and that just makes me feel aimless. Aimless is really the right word for this, I go online hopping from one page to another, from one mildly interesting youtube video to another, and the smallest detail somewhere can trigger me and have me off typing keywords I know I shouldn't be typing. I get into this headspace that I've known forever, since I was a teenager, where I'm locked in front of the computer and I'm trying to find a way out of this state and I don't do the simple thing that'll break the spell : log off. Close my laptop and walk away. It's a terrible thing to relinquish that power. The power of choice. When I was in the dark belly of my addiction I would go deeper down the rabbit hole because that's all I could do. I wanted out, somewhere deep inside I wanted out, and the only way out was through. So I used to crown hours of online procrastination with porn. PMO. And then I could get out. It was the least painful route that I knew.
But I hadn't broken the spell, now I was carrying it inside me, bound to relive the same thing again because of guilt, and fear.
Now I carry less of this, but some still remains.

One step at a time, one day at a time.
Thanks.
 
B

BlueHeronFan

Respected Member
A day at a time is all we can do, really.

I know the feeling of being on the computer and unable to log off. When porn gets you, it gets you and doesn't let go. It's good that you're catching yourself before things get too far. A big thing for me has been learning to recognize danger even earlier and catching myself sooner (like even when it's just thoughts). That way I run much less risk of losing control.

Keep going, keep learning, one day at a time!
 
L

Lero

Guest
BlueHeronFan said:
A day at a time is all we can do, really.

I know the feeling of being on the computer and unable to log off. When porn gets you, it gets you and doesn't let go. It's good that you're catching yourself before things get too far. A big thing for me has been learning to recognize danger even earlier and catching myself sooner (like even when it's just thoughts). That way I run much less risk of losing control.

Keep going, keep learning, one day at a time!
Click to expand...

I could definitely concur. The world of Internet is full of stimulants, carefully placed, that it creates a slope with snow. If you are not careful, one wrong step sends you rolling. One thumbnail, or one picture, and you start shaking with excitement that feels so pleasurable and you find yourself unable to close that and walk away. I guess we also need some practice when this happen. How could I "calm myself down" when that feeling starts? It happened. Accidentally or less accidentally, I look at something, I watched something. Now those urges start hard. What should I do? I think it's something important. Also, catching yourself earlier and leaving as soon as possible is very important too. If you keep looking at that, you set yourself for trouble. What I like to do is close it right away, get mad and say: "No, no, I'm done with you all, you won't catch me anymore, I'm no more your client. I'm out." Getting pissed off with all the P out there is a good place to start. It's like a good friend that you also have a toxic friendship with. At the end of the day, you have to abandon him cause he is more detrimental than useful to you, even though every week you have a good time drinking with him. Peace out. 
 
N

NesFlash

Member
Lero said:
BlueHeronFan said:
A day at a time is all we can do, really.

I know the feeling of being on the computer and unable to log off. When porn gets you, it gets you and doesn't let go. It's good that you're catching yourself before things get too far. A big thing for me has been learning to recognize danger even earlier and catching myself sooner (like even when it's just thoughts). That way I run much less risk of losing control.

Keep going, keep learning, one day at a time!
Click to expand...

I could definitely concur. The world of Internet is full of stimulants, carefully placed, that it creates a slope with snow. If you are not careful, one wrong step sends you rolling. One thumbnail, or one picture, and you start shaking with excitement that feels so pleasurable and you find yourself unable to close that and walk away. I guess we also need some practice when this happen. How could I "calm myself down" when that feeling starts? It happened. Accidentally or less accidentally, I look at something, I watched something. Now those urges start hard. What should I do? I think it's something important. Also, catching yourself earlier and leaving as soon as possible is very important too. If you keep looking at that, you set yourself for trouble. What I like to do is close it right away, get mad and say: "No, no, I'm done with you all, you won't catch me anymore, I'm no more your client. I'm out." Getting pissed off with all the P out there is a good place to start. It's like a good friend that you also have a toxic friendship with. At the end of the day, you have to abandon him cause he is more detrimental than useful to you, even though every week you have a good time drinking with him. Peace out.
Click to expand...

The toxic friendship image is on point, I have a hard time letting that "friend" go, since I've always gone back to P whenever I felt down. It's a hard mind pattern to break... thanks for your support.
 
L

LeanAndBop

Active Member
NesFlash said:
Hello all, and thanks for taking the time to tune in to my story :)

Hey,
Yeah there is comfort in sharing with people who are likely to understand. Thanks for sharing your story. You're reaching out for help and that's surely the first step.
All the best

I'm a 27 year old guy, and I've grown addicted to porn from a very early age. Some friends of mine when I was kid discovered the power of Google and how it could request any random whim a 10 year old could have. One of those being, of course, "boobs". It's actually pretty innocent looking back. It wasn't rare to encounter said "boobs" in a crummy magazine in an odd yard sale somewhere in the middle of Virginia. But the internet being what it is, it didn't really stop there. After having typed another keyword relating to the same lexicon, I found what I was looking for : a woman posing naked on a rock. It shocked me, it felt wrong, it excited me, and I quickly closed the tab, but Pandora's box lay way open for my teenage years to claim this newfound place a hiding spot for whenever I'd feel down. A string of random things (that aren't really interesting to detail here) later and this belief was deeply embedded in me. It wasn't somewhere I belonged, but it was damn close.

It took me a while to realize I had a problem. Not until I was in my early twenties did I realise I'd been giving in to addictive behaviours, and pretty badly at that. I could PMO up to 5 times a day, and my average would be once or twice in the crux of my experience with porn. I did a handful of shameful things, just enough that it makes me cringe just thinking about it. I went to SLAA meetings for several months when I discovered they actually existed. It was a godsend, but I grew silently arrogant and decided it wasn't for me, that I'd successfully rebooted. And in a way, I had. I was on a 6 month leave from Porn, and it felt great. Since then I've relapsed and quit and relapsed and quit again, and I'm thinking of attending more SLAA meetings.

Now, my sex life is doing great ! I've never had the porn-world creep into the bedroom, and that is a blessing. But my love life is a mess. While I am learning the significance and the reality of true intimacy, I still overthink things and I get overly attached very quickly. My mental health is not always good, I can have positive days but when I'm down I am way down. I think I'm an ugly human being, that I won't achieve anything, no confidence, blablabla... It's a real downer, I won't lie. It's hell to go through, and it's the main reason I started this journal. I can talk about feeling down with my friends, but they won't ever know the root of why I feel this way. Just like in those SLAA meetings, I know there are kindred souls here who have and are going through similar experiences, and I'm looking forward to interacting with all of you here.

Thank you for helping me out in my healing, maybe I'll be able to help out in return.
Deeply grateful.
Click to expand...
 
N

NesFlash

Member
Welp, another day, another dollar. I convinced myself to look at P yesterday, and I went on a big spree. Which ended in M but no O. I wouldn't let myself go as far as that, even though I understand why it's so hard to quit completely. I still like P. I like to look at it, I like how it makes me feel, though I end up hating all of that. During the night I had a wet dream and came, no doubt due to the P I watched before going to bed. This feels like a relapse though I stopped myself from going full PMO, consciously at least. It feels like I was beaten at my own cat and mouse game I've been playing now and again.

Let it be just a stepping stone for recovery...
 
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