Hell's cowboy - riding the bucking bronco into sexual freedom

Okay, okay, okay. I'm here, y'all.

Porn user since age 11, PMO mostly before bed ~4-5/week ages 13-25. Whenever life got tough, I sunk into a pornhole.

Thanksgiving 2016 my sister blew my mind by playing beautiful piano and telling me discipline is possible. The next day I decided to pick up my guitar again, cold-turkey the porn and do a reboot, and spent 3 months learning the HARD WAY like the rest of y'all just how deeply my brain had been depending on those dopamine hits for its normal functioning and emotional regulation. I remember every day was an INCREDIBLE struggle, I felt INUNDATED with sexual imagery in my imagination and TORTURED by my porn cravings. But I somehow fucking did it.

Over Spring 2017 I slowly began reacquainting with self-pleasure practices and getting interested in spiritual sexual practices like nonejaculation, tantra and sexual qi gong, and my sex/love life opened up quite nicely with resonant connections. I began a wonderful relationship with N Summer 2017. By January 2018, however, my sex life started hitting some stalls in the relationship, and I was really struggling at work, and I didn't have the energy or will to maintain life-giving disciplines anymore, and I re-opened my relationship with PMO. In some ways this was helpful as it gave me an opportunity to work with the massive amounts of shame I had built up around porn use and which overclouded all of my sexual desire.

Over the year January 2018-January 2019 I made big, slow strides in moving through sexual shame to own my desires and boundaries more openly and clearly, and this eventually culminated in my ending the relationship over Spring 2019 with my wonderful partner N, after I finally, begrudgingly came to terms that I didn't feel strong sexual chemistry with N and after a few months of therapy to discover we really did have incompatible desires & interests (most importantly around nonmonogamy).

Ending the relationship with N has given me a new lease on life and my sexuality, and it has become instantly clear that I want to really own and love and celebrate my sexual desire and move into exciting sexual connections with this newfound clarity about what turns me on. I feel actually a massive, almost scary SURGE of ENERGY around this, and I intuitively stopped PMO because it felt clear the sexual energy could be used to transform my life and cultivate sexually resonant connections.....or I could waste it all in a fantasy world and stay stuck.

I didn't realize what a big deal it is to feel so resolved to let my sexual energy fuel my life and transform my relationship to women, but as the weeks have gone by I am dealing with WILD and REALLY CHALLENGING emotional effects that reminded me - oh my god, I'm rebooting again! I've felt this before! I feel STUPIDLY HORNY all day every day, and when I'm not busy with activity I feel like I'm going to EXPLODE with the need for sexual connection. I have a really strong meditation practice and it's helping me recognize that these feelings are just mental illusions and I don't need to do escape them (with PMO), but they are still overwhelming.

I've made a lot of plans over May to be in spiritual/sexual environments or (re)connecting with women where there's mutual attraction, and I'm truly so excited about what's to come, because I feel so strongly right now that I can be clear about experimenting with what I want, what I like and don't like, and finding connection that feels really good and like what I really want. And that's what this is all about, right?? Having a sexually fulfilling life??!

The last few days I've really felt like I'm going to explode, and I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, and it is SO SO HELPFUL to remember that THIS IS NORMAL and WE ARE ALL GOING THROUGH THIS TOGETHER. The powerful energy of discipline and resolve is spilling over into other parts of my life (I am experimenting with intermittent fasting again) but I want to remember that this is primarily about resetting my sexual circuitry so that I can live my sexuality in real life. If I want this, there is nothing that can get in my way!

I'm setting 4/18/19 as my clock start date, which is exactly a year since I last bothered trying to keep a clock.

THANK YOU FELLOW WARRIORS
KADESH zelbriel

First journal entry post I want to do some reflections on starting to use Tinder, as it's clearly making this more difficult and I want to reflect on what's going on there.

Once my relationship with N ended, I felt URGENCY around wanting to sexually connect with someone, anyone, the ol "rebound." Now I feel pretty confident overall in my desirability and attractiveness and capacity to connect with people in my social circles, but I don't feel the patience for that - I feel this crazy urgency and I'm so horny!

It's been instantly clear that these feelings are more about my internal process than anything "real," so I've been meditating on the feelings a lot and, for the time being, letting them guide me and seeing what happens.

Tinder has a reputation as a quick hook-up app, so what happens as I swipe is every time I see cleavage I get a small dopamine hit, even more powerful than porn because there's a sense that the beautiful tit might be on its way to my mouth any moment. When I match with someone, there's another strong hit. The trouble is, this stuff is hitting my PMO circuitry and my need to get off goes through the ROOF. A few minutes on Tinder leaves me feeling completely frustrated, but I keep going back because it might get me laid. I'm thinking about putting Tinder on hold, at least for a few weeks or until I've broken the sexual ice in some other setting in my life, so that it doesn't keep upping the ante on my sexual frustration in this really challenging beginning moment.

On the positive side, it gives me a platform to experiment with articulating and owning my desires, and a chance to "put myself out there" in a way that lets me work through some of my shame and hiding issues as they are coming up. I'm also noticing it's bringing up all of these lifelong feelings about being sexually inadequate, undesirable, having no game, etc. It feels so important to work through some of these stories! "Did I say the wrong thing?" "Am I supposed to be more flirtatious?" "Am I a total dork?" "Am I a creep?" "Am I supposed to play it more cool?" Again, I feel confidence that I have "game" in social settings where I feel comfortable, so it's feeling productive to actually get to encounter my own insecurities and push my edges.

Here's my profile, just to share and celebrate it, even though I feel sort of insecure and dorky about it, I also think it's fucking sexy and brave and cool as fuck! I'm thinking, I don't need to play the "ironic hipster" game or act like I'm looking for something I'm not, if someone's into me for me that's great and if not who cares?

"woo-enthusiast seeking to share sexual energy while grounded int he earth - if the chemistry's right! (also seeking buddies in meditation, ritual, prayer, and walkies). about the sex though - pleasure, desire, breath, consent, fun! emotional safety, and an awake relationship to mutually supportive boundaries at whatever level of connection. nonmonogamous ~ embodied ~ playful

i find it hard to sess chemistry thru a screen, maybe let's have some tea or a walk about the neighborhood, mm?"

One more post about discipline spillovers and around diet in particular. It feels really connected, somehow.

Rebooting & abstaining from PMO is a massively empowering experience for me around discipline and self control, and gives me a sense that anything is possible. This is actually a lot of power and can be tricky to use responsibly.

In Spring 2017 after my first PMO, I used this newfound discipline to really deepen my commitment to my meditation practice, ramping up to 45 minutes every day. I also started to explore more intention around how and when I ate what kinds of food.

I know our society has a lot of really neurotic relationships to food and diet, and this can easily grow into an unhealthy obsession that is one of the most prevalent and least understood mental disorders. I have seen the energy around food control ramp up in myself and realize that I am no exception to this tendency. I will share some story now, because it's important for me to be self-reflective and honest about this for myself in order to keep myself in check and make sure I'm not getting distracted with neurotic fuckery.

In late Spring 2017 I went on a meditation retreat and came out of it with what's called "yogi fever," a common experience similar to what I describe getting from Rebooting of total empowerment around self control and discipline and a tendency to get very carried away with really weird, random things. I was living with a total daoist wacko who had a really, really strange relationship to food and it was a perfect storm and I hopped on his train and rode it deep into cuckoo town. We were eating a keto diet centered around RAW MEAT AND EGGS. It honestly made me feel like shit (keto fever), but I wanted the results promised on the internet and I was riding the ongoing empowerment high of self discipline, which all sounds pretty unhealthy now that I articulate it.

It turns out fresh, high quality meat doesn't always give you food poisoning. There's a whole movement, and this housemate claimed to eat mostly raw meat, sometimes even slightly spoiled meat, for a decade without ever getting food poisoning. There is a whole deep theory about how cooking makes animal fat and protein really unhealthy for the body, but raw grass-fed meat is actually completely different metabolically and blah blah blah. I was hooked for about a month until I got food poisoning from raw hamburger meat and shit my brains out for four days and all my friends laughed at the banal predictability of it and I wondered if I was going to die for being an idiot and resolved to try not to do stupid things anymore.

Well, these last few weeks as the discipline & empowerment train has gotten rolling again, I started getting interested in controlling my diet more. Started with eating more vegetables, great that's good, feeling great, feeling good, then I started clocking in some light 10/14 intermittent fasting protocols, okay sure, keep the energy moving. Well my thoughts started tending toward that keto lifestyle and even thinking about dabbling in a little bit of raw meat again. Why? I honestly don't really know, but I think it's my tendency toward yogi mind, I can really get carried away. So tonight I bought and cut up a brisket and threw it in the dehydrator to make jerky, but I also seared the edges of a steak-sized chunk and chopped it up, seared it, and ate it mostly raw. It felt edgy but okay because it was seared & not hamburger, but now I'm realizing this is more about an unhealthy relationship to pushing my edges of self-control than it is about nourishing my body with wholesome nutrition. I'm going to nip this in the bud.

I'm up in the middle of the night panicking a bit, wondering if I'm going to get sick again and have to confess my stupidity to my friends and family, and I'll be sure to tell y'all as well. At least in my panic I feel some clarity that I DONT WANT TO EAT RAW MEAT, that's NOT my path to sexual freedom, and I want to get some support from friends and/or my therapist to keep me balanced around my eating behavior right now because it feels a little out of hand and potentially dangerous.

Self control and discipline are so powerful, and I can get carried away with them! I'm sure I'll have more to write about this as I learn more, and if I die of food poisoning at least y'all can know what happened.

Day 18. Okay, I didn't die, I didn't even get sick! I was SUPER anxious though, a helpful red flag about getting carried away with the self-discipline, I've relaxed quite a bit around food and austerity.

The emotions keep evolving. Last week I went to some dance parties and had some validating sexy dancing with strangers, which felt like a huge release even though it was so simple. I suppose the feeling of sexual inadequacy can just build and build at times, and sometimes just a little validation goes a long way. I've been thinking a lot about dating, approaching women, and all the weird hangups around masculinity and being too sexual or not sexy enough, yet trying to remember this is just a process and it doesn't really help to stress about it, connections always come back on their own timeline, more so if I'm relaxed in myself and enjoying my life.

Over the weekend I did some journaling about all of the most sexually gratifying and all of the most romantically gratifying connections I've ever had, in a venn diagram. When I looked at it like that, it was a pretty short and simple list, and it felt like something really important that I'd never really thought about. I actually included 2 or 3 of the most compelling porn I've come back to over and over on my sexual list, which felt like a huge insight - part of the reason I am so compelled by some pornography is because it speaks to my desire in a really powerful way that is actually really wonderful to recognize and experience. It also feels like it takes some of the power away from the porn when I pay more attention to my desire, and can think about what it would look like to go for that desire in real life.

My feelings about my breakup have been evolving too. More of the blame and defensiveness is starting to wash out as I recognize just how tremendously difficult it is, in the long term of my life, to figure out what I want and how to get it. I don't think my partner N did anything wrong and neither did I really, except that I didn't have clarity about what I wanted, and I sort of refused to look at the ways she wasn't meeting my desires because it was painful to see. I am developing more resolve and clarity to move forward with my life in a way where I get increasingly clear on what I want and what feels good to me romantically and sexually and don't settle for less than that. I'm feeling grief and loneliness here, and it's pretty hard to hold, especially because I'm so used to sharing with my best friend and partner. Big hole where she has been. Hopefully I can call and lean on some friends soon.

I'm somewhat questioning the PMO 90-day reboot container I set 4/18-7/18, which will end after I've entered a 1-month meditation retreat so effectively carry into early August. It feels like it is increasing the tension and stress of being alone and feeling sexually frustrated. I feel resolved so far to continue with it, however, for the following reasons: 1) the self-reflection I am experiencing when trying to work with the feelings of sexual frustration is feeling really interesting and generative and helpful. 2) using porn and fantasizing can suck up all my sexual energy so none of it goes into transforming my life to meet my desires IRL, and I really don't want to stay stuck with my sexuality, I want to move forward, and a bit of extra friction feels helpful for that. 3) as I desensitize to porn and fantasy, I become more sensitive to the few sexual images that do enter my consciousness, and I can see them more clearly for the effect they have on me, and that clarity is actually really helpful, for example in elucidating the venn diagram I describe above. 4) a big part of the stress i feel is actually an emotional process around my breakup, and porn is a way of dissociating from those feelings and not thinking about them. it feels helpful to have one escape-route cut off so i actually have to experience those feelings a little more.

Because life is feeling pretty hard right now, I am wanting to remember to be more kind to myself, do things that make me feel good, be gentle, etc. This feels somewhat out the window right now and I want to bring it back. I want to remember I'm doing this not to be harsh, self-disciplined, controlling, or "fix" myself, but because I am devoted to living a fully embodied sexual life and I am in love with my own sexuality and I want myself to feel sexually full and flourishing and whole and thriving. Part of this reorientation means I want to actually try and pleasure myself a little more often, still without using any fantasy, including some ejaculation (maybe once a week), to keep the energy moving, to feed myself sexually, to reduce the sense that this is about a harsh austerity, and to continue to decouple the idea that the only sexual experience I can have by myself must be completely wrapped up in highly stimulating imagery.

Day 21. Got flashed with some porny popups and wow, lightbulbs went off across my dopamine circuits. Amazing. Yeah, truly, porn has been one of the great pleasures of my life, weird to say but it feels that way. It is a pretty immense renunciation, which just gets a lot easier when you're not thinking about it, but to consider it can be tough. There's a lot of built up unconscious frustration too, of settling for less than exemplary sexual connection in my life, and the way porn has been sort of a pressure-release valve. Yes, a pressure-release valve, but perhaps too much of one, because it has enabled me to never deeply consider what I wanted sexually IRL.

I've been feeling more surrounded by friends and my social life is picking up, and some nascent flirtations getting off the ground, which feels good, and my tendency is to follow the flirtations wherever they crop up, but...this time, I want to be more intentional about tracking where I'm really sexually interested. That's the transformation this reboot is offering me, this discernment.

Big boobs. It feels vulnerable and even immature to say it, but that's sexual shame and repression in action. I'm really turned on by large boobs. Not huge, just ample. I can actually remember my mom shaming me when I was 11 or 12, just starting to think and talk about attraction, out of nowhere she wagged her finger at me and said something like "Many men date women just because they have big boobs, never do that!" Her own insecurities or whatever, and it looks like I've carried that shit around unconsciously ever since. Jesus. In all these years I've only ever hooked up with two busty ladies, almost all of my sexual connections have had somewhat small boobs. Some of my most sexually exciting connections have had small boobs, and yet...there's this part of my desire I've barely gotten to enjoy. Except in porn. There's where porn has all this power over me, because it's the only place I let myself really go for what I want. Let's change that.

ayyyyy, day 31. i feel incredible. i had a truly a m a z i n g date and it really hit the fucking spot. PMO is totally irrelevant for now, not even a question. still tracking how it all unfolds. stay steady brothers

day 33. date #2 tonight. stoked, but also exhausted from my mind that has been stressing out about it. i don't even know if i like the person or our desires and whatever are compatible? but i really, really enjoyed the sex we had. i mean the reality is i don't really know what i want, besides good sex, but a relationship would make the sex less fun and exciting for me, so i'm trying to maintain some distance or something, i'm not sure. we'll see what happens tonight.

last night i went to a gathering of guys talking about porn and it was hilarious and really insightful and interesting and fun. everyone had different experiences, some were trying to quit porn but not everyone, and i learned a ton just from talking about it all from a lot of different perspectives. i would highly recommend making a little gathering for guys you know to process it all together!

i also talked to this guy on a prospective coaching call last night and he blew my mind by showing me how much shame and tension i have around my desire. my homework from him is to practice saying "i want" all the time to get in touch with my desire. he also told me to read this book and so far it is hitting really close to home.

day 36. fucking exhausted. feeling haunted by the sense of loneliness or inadequacy or frustration around sex and connection more generally. i've been cultivating this sense of wanting to go for what i really want and actually saying no to whats "available" if it's not that. i left my relationship for that, i'm trying that with this new person instead of just trying to say yes to whatever she wants and needs. in this moment i feel a little whiplash, like what if i ask for what i want and i end up with nothing? isn't saying yes to what's available better than nothing? i feel like a loser, like i'm dreaming too big for my little self and the universe is going to confirm my inadequacy by not giving it to me.

i went to a "play party" last night, which was interesting but mostly a bust. definitely way more guys than women, and because the sexuality is escalated, women were way more guarded than in other social settings, so it was really hard to connect with new women. i talked to plenty of guys, which was fine lol.

i know porn is a way to give up and numb out with fake gratification. not yet. i might be a loser but at least for now im going to really fucking feel it.

ah, i think i also want to note that i've been noticing an increasing sensitivity to openings in connection with women. like, the little spider sense in my brain that says someone is interested in me has been way more sensitive. i'm noticing it pinging mostly with women i'm not necessarily attracted to, but i've been testing my intuition and doing little escalations in connection or touch or whatever. it feels really empowering. i think it would feel pretty good to have more "gray area" connections where there could be more flirtation, touch, cuddling with women in my life without it necessarily escalating into sexual connection. part of that means practicing having boundaries, saying no, or de-escalating connection when i want to. this is really difficult for me and something i have very little practice with. expect stories of me struggling with this soon.

on the other side of that, i was noticing on the 2nd hookup night with this person that the feeling of just totally sexually going for it isn't necessarily the best feeling thing either, even if i'm really attracted to them. it's nice to have some tension build, some dynamic. i think my favorite moments were the few minutes between just catching up and making out, where we were just inching closer and touching a little bit and it was flirtatious and tantalizing. i honestly got a little bored, believe it or not, by the next morning of that endless making out bump and grind. curious, curious...

How are things back at the ranch?  Still in the saddle with both barrels blazing?

Thanks for checking in, jixu!! no one else has replied yet and things were feeling lonely.

well, it's day 49. still in the saddle, yeah.

all the energy, sexual and otherwise, has totally dropped off. i feel pretty exhausted and haven't really felt horny in at least a week, maybe 2.

it took a third hookup with this beautiful lady for me to finally tell her "no" when she asked to hangout again. i probably would have enjoyed it, but i just didn't feel that interested. we processed it together, she took it well and there could be more there at some point, we'll see. i feel so free - i've never really said "no" to a beautiful lady interested in me. it's funny to think about that as an important part of all of this, but it feels really important. low sexual energy isn't a problem if i don't feel obligated to anyone else's sexual needs.

i'm sort of enjoying the lull, i just really exhausted myself going full steam every day for the first month of this thing.

i've still got the spidey sense going of other people's interest/attraction to me, but it's gotten a lot quieter with my sexual energy low. even when i notice it, it's not pinging any interest in my own body, no energy there.

You sure have one buoyant journal title and cryptic username.

That was some interesting pondering you did in your last post.  Maybe you are starting to view women differently, maybe you are realizing that the endless quest to take the next hot chick to the rack doesn't really satisfy the way it used to.  Maybe the concept of companionship is emerging.  Of course, maybe I'm full of baloney.

Anyway, good job on being in the saddle for 50 days-awesome buckeroo !! 

day 57. energy still low, but did feel a little bit horny a few times this week. played with myself (nonejaculatory, no fantasy or images) and it brought some of the energy back and i also realized a few things:

part of why the energy is low is because i've got some subtle unconscious self-doubt feelings swirling around. i've been wanting to feel spiritually connected to a romantic partner for a long time, and i have this little story that i'm not good enough or worthy or whatever for that to happen. as a result i've low-key avoided attractive women who have seemed spiritually resonant to me. that sense of self-doubt is a moodkill, whereas confidence is a turn on for yourself as well as other people. i've chosen to be more reclusive for many years because of these feelings, and it's always felt so painful, and i've never really known what to do about it. for some reason it just makes me feel like shit about myself.

i'm gonna try to put the best of my wisdom forward here. i'm going to play with myself more to keep the sexual energy active (still nonejaculatory and no fantasies or images). i'm going to do more spiritual stuff (prayer mostly) just by myself so i don't feel like i'm depending on someone else for that. i'm going to take real steps toward spiritually connecting with friends in general, and also connecting with spiritually resonant women, without letting my sense of inadequacy get in the way.

i want hot, prayerful sex.

ride on y'all, yee haw

day 60. quick success report. after a few weeks of not seeing each other or texting much, i took A out for a full moon walk after dark. i asked her questions about spirituality and prayer and it felt good. not the juiciest ever, i didn't feel totally authentic, but in the right direction. we rolled around and made out in this open beautiful grassy field under the full moon and it was beautiful and hot and dare i say a little prayerful. i dropped her off at home and didn't accept her invitation to come in. at this point i am enjoying leaving some hunger in the tank and getting a full night's rest and feeling some boundary from a person. all in all, this whole thing is going surprisingly and marvelously well.

out after dark
old mysteries nameless
we made wordless use of our mouths
in the grasses, full as the moon

day 67.

okay, stuff with A is great. we're communicating well about boundaries, only seeing each other once every 2 weeks or so, the sex is still amazing, we're talking about god, we're writing each other poems. it's edgy for both of us but she says she feels like feeling my desire in the context of my boundary is healing, while i feel like getting to feel my boundary in the context of my desire is healing. dream come true, really.

i feel miserable though (go figure) because tensions at work are way high. i have defensiveness issues at work, at every job i've ever had, and my coworkers are tired of them. for some reason if i might be wrong about something, or not know something, or have made a mistake, i instantly go on the offensive & deflect blame. i always have an excuse, or it's someone else's fault, or everyone's ideas are crap. i sound like an idiot and piss everyone off and end up feeling like shit myself.

when i feel like shit about myself, i feel 100 miles from anything vaguely (sexually) attractive, or empowered, or fulfilled. i feel like crap about my life during these times. forget sexual fulfillment, forget my dreams, why not crawl in a hole and watch porn and fuck off everyone?

until now i've felt like i've known what to do and how to do it, and it was just hard work. now i feel in over my head. so, here's where the real work begins, i guess. fuck.

Hey Kadesh,

Firstly, massive congratulations on reaching 67 days! Sounds like you were feeling a little down in the dumps yesterday. I hope that today is better and that you didn't actually go through with your thoughts and relapse. You're doing SO well!

I read through your journal with great interest. It really does seem like a different person writing from the first post through to the last. I feel like I can see your perspectives changing as you recover and grow.

You mentioned something in your first post that I'd like you to expand on. You said that this was about living a sexually fulfilling life. Do you still believe this?

I would argue that, no, actually, it's about living a fulfilling life, period. There are many ways to live a fulfilling life. Some of these ways involve sexual fulfilment, others don't. There is no right or wrong, it's just whatever floats your boat.

It seems that you may put a little too much pressure on yourself to find those sexual connections. You talk about your occasional feelings of having no 'game'. Mate, the most important thing in the world is to find and live your truth. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I would argue that to have your desires fulfilled is far from the be-all and end-all of life. You, my friend, are much greater than that, because you are of a consciousness that is deeper and higher than all of this. Fulfil your desires, but don't get lost in them. Don't identify with them. They will not fulfil your soul, even if sexuality can and does play a fine and important a role in our spirituality. The fundamental issue is to find peace with yourself. You mention you pray. What do you pray for? Do you pray for material goals like sex or a relationship? What is it you really want? What is driving your desire? Do you have a desire to find freedom from the mind and its incessant thinking, and the delusions it creates? Go deep. How deep can you go? When you meditate, can you get to a point where you are still enough to observe the mind? If so, are you just the mind? Are you just the person thinking, or can that also be seen? Ponder this.

A lot of questions for you, and I hope it doesn't feel I'm imposing on you. That's really not my intention. When I met my wife, the love of my life, I wasn't looking for it. I was simply surrendered to the universe, or divine will, or whatever you want to call it. I said to the universe 'you know, I really don't need anything at all to be happy, I have air in my lungs, a healthy body, enough food, a warm, dry place to sleep, and I am here, present, in this moment', and I really meant it. Drop these projections of what a happy life looks like. They are constantly changing anyway and let's face it, we don't always know what we really want.

For me, what helps me is the knowledge that I exist, and it is all I know and all I ever really will know. Everything else - sexual pleasure, desire, thoughts, feelings, etc. are fleeting. At all times there is this underlying sense 'I am' or 'I exist'. We create an identity when you say 'I am *insert name*, and then we create a story based around that, which we believe is a fundamental self, the 'person'. But this 'person' can also be observed. By whom is it observed? When we numb ourselves to porn or indeed with any kind of behavioural/substance abuse we lose connection with this innate sense within ourselves. That sense 'I am' requires nothing from you. You don't need to try and become it. You just need to be. You are already perfect and whole. The goal, if there is one, is to realise it beyond a mere intellectual conviction - to feel it with your entire being, in every moment. It's a process, but a most beautiful one.

Full power and love to you, brother! Let me know your thoughts.

- Adventurer

Thanks for that post. I'm gonna keep coming back to it. For now...

Day 73. I continue to feel somewhat miserable. I feel swamped with the feeling of being a loser, totally unlikeable, totally alone. I know this is BS because every few hours a good friend makes contact and I feel better briefly. Or - I was having unbelievably hot sex the other day with A, just truly incredible, some of the hottest sex of my life. And my brain had this TWISTED incel monologue going: "This is as good as it looks, but it's not for you! She's so beautiful, and you're unworthy of her, and she knows it." WTF brain we're literally having sex?

I think it was somewhat about "detoxing" from bad boundaries in past intimacies, and my emotional body reacting against the new, bigger boundaries I've been trying to hold in this connection. I feel confused about how to reach across them and feel genuinely connected! More to unpack. But also...I reviewed this post from somewhere else in the forum and I'll take it as a contributing factor. Ride on motherfuckers, yee haw.
----

Here comes the "but".  Last, withdrawals.  Withdrawals suck. We don't talk enough about them here. They are why we fail. They are our brain's dopamine drenched chemical reward center begging us, threatening us, punishing us, pleading with us, rationalizing with us why we need to PMO. Withdrawals are painful, they are physical, mental, and emotional pain. They are the jitters, the shakes, the sweats, odd pains in odd places, the brain fog we feel when quitting, and our brain's way of telling us all that unpleasantness can go away with just a little harmless fix. When going through withdrawal I felt I had a sinus infection and my teeth actually hurt. I did not have a sinus infection and my teeth were fine, but my brain, at some level, had to make me feel bad to try and make me feel good through a porn induced dopamine release. The good thing is, if you are having withdrawals, it means your brain's dopamine levels are on their way back to normal. Once you get back to normal those things stop, but you can't get back to normal until your brain re-balances, and that takes...let's just round up to 90 days. You will probably see significant lessening at about 35-40 days, but even after that, you will experience them.  Newbies must be told this will not be easy, it will be hard, and they have to expect this pain, endure it, embrace it and even want it to accomplish our task, getting dopamine production back to normal.  If you are addicted you WILL feel this pain.  You must accept that, and you must embrace it, and you must prepare for it, and on a certain level you have to WANT it.  It will not kill you, you will not die, but on a certain level you will feel like it.  You know that euphoria that porn abuse gave you at its height?  Think of withdrawals as that, but negative times two.  No one gets out easy, so, if you are not willing to get out hard, you are not willing to get out. 

Click to expand...

day 75. feeling okay but not great.

still feeling quite lonely. finally feeling the grief of my breakup with N. there's something precious in the loneliness and grief - all my friendships, come and gone, seem so precious to me now. i never want to take a moment of connection or a friend for granted again.

bosses threatened to fire me if i don't get my shit together, but it honestly felt like i already worked through some of my challenges before they said that, so i feel like it's gonna work out okay.

i'm thinking really ambitious and big picture about my life, my career. what do i really want to do with my life? this feels at times really inspiring and empowering, and then totally terrifying and despair-inducing too. thinking: masters in buddhist studies, rabbinical school, somatic counseling degree, or ordain as a theravada monk.

i can see how the fear and despair make me turn to porn. "if i'm gonna be a loser in this life, if things don't work out for me, if i don't get what i want, fuck, why not take what i can get?" Because I'm so scared, and there's so much comfort in giving up, I don't even try!

Looking honestly at my ambitions and desires is terrifying because I might not achieve them. But if I don't look, I 100% DEFINITELY won't achieve them.

Well, fuck that!

Day 81

This is it y'all. I head into 25 days of silent meditation tomorrow. I made it.

I want to thank you all for this community and being in it together. I am sure I couldn't have done it without this forum.

I learned a lot, I feel transformed in a few different ways. Like many others, I feel a new sense of empowerment in the whole of my life - around dating, sex, my emotional struggles, my work life, social life, and the broad vision of my career and life.

There's still so much to learn and some big big challenges ahead, but here's a bit of good news just to round things out for now:

Since feeling lonely, I have treasured each of my friendships so much, and that feels so good and right.

A and I shared that we have crushes on each other the other night after a good romp. It was really sweet, and so healing for me to discover that I can keep some good boundaries up and still really connect with someone. We're both curious and open without a strong agenda for where this goes next.

I also feel so ready to tackle my defensiveness patterns at work and learn to up my game around being a great person to work with and feeling confident in what I have to offer.

I'll see y'all on the other side. Yipakayay motherfuckers,
Kadesh Zelbriel

Hell yeah man!!! Congrats!!!

Out of interest, what kind of meditation retreat you going on? You'll have made it to over 100 days when you get back, but beware of the urges that come when you come back from travelling/being out of your normal routine. Even at 100 days, your brain might tell you that it's okay just 'this once'. Of course, it may not.

I wish you a beautiful, enlightening retreat, and I hope you find what your looking for through deep insights.

May you be happy,
May you be free from suffering,
May you achieve equanimity, free from hatred and attachment.