The long and winding road - 27yo british guy

Dear Rebooters,

I first made the decision to quit with a heart-felt, signed, letter to myself, written after seeing the TED talk with Ran Gavrielli. Seeing this sparked a wide search for the effects of porn, I knew it wasnt doing me any good and suspected that it was the source of my ED problems which have gone up and down over the years - no pun intended. In the letter I wrote each of these down and tried to make them sink in. I remember this being initially effective, but that was winter 2014, I think, and this Journal entry is perhaps the second letter. Nearly 2 years on I havent quite managed to quit it!

What struck me in his talk was the idea that you were imitating the porn actors in your actual sex life - essentially you were having lessons in intimacy from the kind of individuals who would have sex for a living, and from the moments when actors weren't having sex in porn, it was pretty clear that these guys were on the whole morons - obviously I mostly fast forward to the action, but do you know what I mean??? The relationship I was having at the time was going pretty well sexually in some senses - I was getting it up! which was by no means a foregone conclusion with previous partners, to be precise the person prior things had been distinctly up and down - however, despite good erections, our love making had this weird dynamic of cruelty about it, and I think that was the first time I really made a meaningful connection between the porn and my attitude to women sexually.

Its only in my self-education in this new found determination to reboot, that I have discovered the science about reward circuits and dopamine. These discoveries seem to have put it beyond doubt in my mind, that I REALLY need to get out of it!

When I think about it, I have been using internet pornography for as long as I have been active sexually. Mercifully perhaps, it wasnt until I was 18 or 19 that we got high speed internet. And I didnt watch hardcore porn until I was a bit older - intially I was into 'non nude' stuff, and I remember waiting ages for video clips to download via dial up just to see girls in their underwear. In fact I think it was only after that I had my own sexual expereiences that I began to seek out hardcore porn. But man hasent technology accelerated! I have never considered myself 'addicted' until I was using it via my phone i think, then it became, for a period, something I would do almost every night before going to sleep. That said I dont have a super addictive personality - i've smoked socially since I was 15 but do (genuinely) go months without smoking. Reflecting on that, I now realise that it was only after I made the initial decision to quit and put blockers on my laptop browser that I switched to using my phone - I have to periodically wipe the phone due to lack of memory so self-imposed blocks on key porn sites are ineffective!

So basically my use escalated and my tastes got more fetishy once I tried to quit 2 years ago.

I think what may have brought this recent desire to quit is that there is a new woman in my life. The first time we slept together, I came pretty quickly and then couldn't get hard again. I have just ended a long distance relationship that I have been involved with for about 4 years now (overlapping previous partners above) and this new woman knows all about her and they have met. When we slept together this time, we talked after and she was telling me about a series of guys she had seen through the dating app tinder 'who had been into porn'. I could tell she was a little upset that I didnt seem to be more into her, and I just felt really awful that the reason I wasnt able to satisfy her was this pointless viewing of the sexual techniques of the depraved who actually make the porn in the first place...That obviously another major factor that you are supporting this industry which enslaves real women to that treatment!...and so who is more depraved??!

Anyway, thankyou for reading this if you got this far!

Lastly I wanted to share my experience of searching for a certain porn stars name just yesterday - my heart was really racing just looking at a few images of her. I didnt relapse, but did see her naked/in panties. I then didnt feel quite normal for an hour after and couldnt concrentrate on my work - a similar feeling actually if you promise yourself a cigarette that never materialises. I was tempted to do it again today as a test and the same thing happened, only less intense, but no relapse.

I am some 2 weeks in and I have masterbated once though not to porn. And I didnt really start on any day so today is the official begginging! I am trying to make up my mind if I wont masterbate at all. I think thats the best thing to do - I want to experience a wet dream, I cant ever rembember it happening before! There is also the possibility of sleeping with this new partner again soon, and I didn't want to be totally desperate because I havent masterbated for weeks and weeks...so I guess I might offer myself a warm up before our next date.

The bottom line is that I have suffered from mild depression for a while I think, I do have loner tendancies, and I have struggled to enter meaningful relationships aside from the long distance one I mention here, I think that porn use may be underpinning alot of this and I am determined now to quit.

Thank you very much for reading and any comments would be very much appreciated.

Best wishes

and stay on the right path!

So yesterday, the day after I wrote this, I woke up with MW and feeling seriously horny, I got over this, but later that day having a pretty clear shedule, I gave in to MO, so I guess my count needs to be restarted!

But, in this session I only thought of my new partner and tried to really imagine the two of us as we have been the two times we have spent the night together, and not some porn-induced fantasy. Is this perhaps a neutral in terms of the reboot process? That had broken about a week of abstinence and I was really feeling a rising libido at the time. I actually felt more at peace afterward, as if I had satisfied myself sexually - or in my definition of sex as it has become a solitary fantasy!

I liked the thought in another blog that rather than 'focusing on removing the old, we must build the new', so in that spirit, when I get a craving, I have made the decision to channel this energy to actually seek out companionship with women, and friends too I suppose! It is such a crazy thought that your whole way of perceiving women in your life and perhaps other attitudes to has been conditioned by Porn use! Fuck that its time to move on!

peace out and stay on the path!

Oh yeah, I'm also wondering if touching yourself too much in a casual and non-sexual sense could be contributing to my ED, in that it desensitises me???

Okay so a relapse, and the trigger was...Kim Kardashian! she's in the news right now as she was robbed at gunpoint - clearly that must have turned me on, which isnt a good sign  :-[ I read this and saw a photo of her as I was going to sleep last night, I had had a few drinks admittedly, and MOed, fantasising pornographically. Today I was working from home and in the midst of a slow afternoon of progress - I had'nt left the house all day - she popped into my head again...the internet was out, but no trouble, I went for my phone...

It was an intense experience, just looking at non-nude pics of her and others, I got hard crazily quickly, which literally felt like rolling back the years to how it used to work when I was younger - though I cant remember if this was with porn or just imagination or even with girls, but the feeling was familiar and nice! My thought process at this point was pretty flabby as I was literally flat-lining with my work. Having something good lined up to listen to might be a good way of avoiding an idle mind.

I remember justifying this as if I was rebeling and treating myself to something that was forbidden, this it was in a way cool to transgress the norms and okay. But as we all know on here, its not okay. I think I need to watch one of those motivational videos again for more inspiration.

Another lapse, the worst yet it must be said, I got as far as gifs, rather than full-on videos, but hey, its all just substitues, right? So no more excuses. Its time to refresh the promise

The thing I have noticed is that once you break the pledge not to mo/masterbate to porn, it becomes so much easier to do it again, like you forget all the sincerity with which I made the commitment to stop, that you had got to a point where you had internalised all the reasons, that its likely to be the root of some of my depressive tendancies, its like this commitment dosent disappear with time, but that when your break the pledge a piece of your resolve dies - you take a big step back!

Its time to take control! I had some good news today with work, so I am hoping that will lead me to more resolve in this oh so important task.

So counting it out to solidfy my target 90 days from now! 7 october -> Jan 4th!! fuck a wank free 2016, thats the deal now and I am totally going for it!

So that was just 2 days later and still no MO. Feels like longer than that, but also not getting real cravings and firm in my resolve to not look at porn because I really really want to repair my brain. Its like its so easy to forget this intense and uncomfortable fact - even, that you dont want to have that at the front of your mind beacuse it sucks! - "i've screwed up my brain, my relationship to women which is having x, y, z and q impacts in my life, all so I can see pictures of tits and weird abusive sex scenes" you want and need (to rewire) to get that away from your head, but if you lose sight of it altogether then you might relapse.

So how can we look at that differential better? So that we can keep it in our minds but be content to have it there?

very firmly: 'The Trade off is not worth it', 'virtual sex does not pay'

Has anyone seen the film 40 days and 40 nights? Thats all about abstaining. He gets off so easy...

One challenge right now, is my mind often drifting to thoughts of sex and sleeping with my ex-girlfriend. This mainly comes first thing in the morning, today, as I woke up with a hang-over and MW. When I imagine us having sex I always go to the same images which I think are mostly filtered through porn.

I obviously need some new images which are from life! Yet in the short-term, I am trying to keep my mind sex-free - is this what I should be doing? im not sure about this strategy, even though I am committed to it now! its like: im a 27 yo british guy I should be allowed to think about sex. Correction, I should be having sex with real women, and porn and its fantasies is preventing me from chasing real women. We have to work these arguments out! So yeah, no thought of sex till christmas.

I've read all your posts man and I feel you. How long have you been aware?

The desire to stay true to our nature, to our loved ones, only to get fooled by our minds cravings.
Have you seen the movie "Thanks for sharing"? Its a great motivational boost that helps me bounce back into a neutral mindset.
Stay strong and hold tight brother, the battle of our life has begun.

Now, if anytime in life, is the time for some war chants.

Thanks Anonp! appreciate your support hugely, and I'm going to check out your journal. I just wanted to share this thought quickly:

'The Myth of Blueballs'. Its hitting me now after 4 days no MO. I remember a friend at uni once telling me about blueballs for the first time, this was age 22 (so 5 years ago) recounting a story of when he had slept with a girl, but that she had refused to do anything with him. The next day he woke up in 'agony'. Presumably once she had left he sorted the situation out himself...

First thing: If we want to make that 90 day rewiring target, we have to challenge the idea that a real man MOs every day because he is producing so much semen thats the only option! We've got to say instead that a real man goes out to find a partner, rather than pleasuring himself (in desperation).

Second: the pain of blueballs isnt so serious. I think my friend was exaggerating, as men are wont to do during a spout of locker room banter, the real story here was that he had failed to charm this partner of his and that he was covering up. Lets look on it as a mild heaviness remind you to ask a girl out.

Im developign the thought that your sexuality is like a force which pervades all aspects of life - sexual, after all is actually about being close to someone - friendship is its diluted form, collaborating, in relationships of all kinds is bound to increase, if dont keep focusing this wider idea of sexuality through your finger and thumb, computer screen etc you get the picture!

I totally get what you're saying.
I've found that it's just as much a spiritual journey through self-development, as it is the fight in reclaiming the right to own our sexuality (which basically is the same).

Haha I've had some minor blueballs from not PMO'ing, and some major blueballs from not beeing able to "perform".
The major ones was more like a kick in the nuts spread out over 2 hours

Anonp, feeling the idea of the right to your own sexuality. We have given it up by becoming addicted to porn, for most of our cases, this was the result of being able to access this material at an age when we had no idea what we were doing or the effect that it would have. We know that society is still waking up to the effects and were not blaming anyone...but we have to reclaim it now...by enduring blueballs for 90 days, christ!

Last night almost asleep I was thinking about a girl, a friend, I had met up with earlier in the evening, got kind of hard but avoided MO, narrowly, I'm glad I resisted the urge.

5. < this is day five speaking and it is feeling good comrades >

Keep going pal. I'm a 28 yo british guy who discovered I had this problem 2 years ago. So in that sense at least we are similar.
Never give up and we shall do this.

Peteybob good to hear from you, and thanks for you support. Which is your journal? it would be interesting to check it out.

Its kind of a side reference, but see the following on beating addiction to your phone. So here they are getting concerned about people getting tethered to the rush of endorphines availible through those little red likes that facebook gives you (or those sweet blue ticks that come from Whatsapp) then consider the rush you are going to get off of porn, how much are you going to magnify that concern?
http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/11/the-binge-breaker/501122/

Hey rightpathmypath, you can view my journal here.
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=9730.0

We will do this.

7. two weeks after I started this journal, I am feeling so good about having taken this decision, and that it is getting easier and that P influence is receding. I have a date on saturday which is exciting. Staying strong is so much easier with this community and I want to thank everyone that has responded so far and please do send your thoughts even if you are just passing through.

good luck to all

Good luck on the date today my friend. Smile! And shit will work out

9. So last night she and I went back to her house and spent the night together. I had the best erection I've had in years! Putting on a condom was anxiety-free. I didnt last as long as I might have, but who cares. Still wondering whether its okay to MO before a date, but on reflection not going to, I think that is more in the head and that we are still getting used to each other.

I also MOed this morning but I'm not going to count that against me since my mind was very much with the real woman I have spent the night with.

21. I feel well, on the whole very well, despite having employment issues and an uncertain future, I feel a wellness that I think is coming partly from abstinence. That said, I MOed this morning,  which is reminding me to come back to the blog, its been over 10 days! I really feel that PMO is beyond me now, but I am also sure that it is a slippery slope. This morning I had intense MW and hardly had a choice in the matter...Thats a bad excuse, but as an isolated incident I think its okay, and to me dosent count as a relapse. It will not go the other way now and that a promise! bring on 90 days!!