What the hell is going on

Day 7

Seven days in, figure I should go ahead and start a journal to track my progress. I've got a physical one and a digital one, so that'll keep me in check twice. Woo!

So seven days in - I'm curious if I'm having any symptoms at all, or if the symptoms are so intense I'm hardly noticing them. Had a severe sexual dream the very first night, and had one of me watching porn the second night in. Fifth night in I had horrible insomnia, headaches (more than usual), and now tonight I'm feeling severe depression and low self-worth.

The last thing I want to do is throw a pity party for myself, but I need to express my thoughts for just a moment. I've always presented a happy exterior but hid away a miserable interior. It's all I've done my entire life - mask the problem until it seems to be gone. I'm 23, I'm gay, I'm addicted to porn and suffer from PIED. PMO almost daily before I quit. Now that I'm seven days in the urge to give up is arriving with my depressed state. I've suffered from severe depression before in my life and I'm currently on medication for it.

In addition to that, I'm dealing with hyperhidrosis relating to my anxiety. I sweat like all hell when doing any kind of physical exercise for just twenty minutes - maybe even fifteen. I'm not overweight by any means either. My sweat mostly comes from my armpits, and when it doesn't it's coming from my face, my head, the back of my neck, and now suddenly my palms are sweaty too. My hair is getting grey and silver hairs (at 23!) and I'm becoming anxious of some thinning around my temples and possible early balding signs. Jesus, what a mess.

Yet I've made the decision to quit pornography. I'm over and done with it. PMO as a whole. I just can't deal with it - the anxiety, the guilt, the foggy depressed feeling I'd get after watching it. Yet without it I feel so damn alone. I can't say if anyone else deals with this in this fashion. Porn filled a void for me. I've been single for years, my other relationships being in my high schools years and one insane one in college with a guy dealing with a barrage of mental issues. I'm alone. I'm lonely. I'm feeling so often that I'm alone, that no one will (or can) love me. What's the point in giving up PMO when everything else will be just as miserable?

BUT - is that just the withdrawing brain talking? Are these thoughts I'm feeling part of stepping out of all this nonsense? Can my life daresay improve?

Most of these issues (hyperhidrosis, depression, anxiety, etc.) started coming about at 14. I started watching porn at 12, experimented with it as early as 10. I didn't realize before finding this community what I've done to my own brain and how I've hurt my perception of the world.

I've got to keep going. This can only be temporary pain. I can love myself again. I can fall in love. I can find confidence, kick anxiety out, get back to my creative pursuits. I can I can I can I can I can.

Day 9

Hooooooooooooooly shit this is becoming something other worldly. My mood swings are beyond comprehension. Just yesterday I was doing incredible. I couldn't believe it. I was so social, I was looking people in the eye, I was growing relationships. It was one of the best days of work I've ever had - I stayed late to talk to a customer about writing and art and felt so invigorated.

Today seemed to be alright. Not as good, but not as bad. Then this guy came into the shop - a guy I (maybe) have been making eyes at at a few community events over the past few months. When he left I felt so god damn depressed and demoralized and ugly and horrid. I came home and laid in my bed for some time. Then tried to meditate and only got about eight minutes in. Tried to sleep off the pain of depression and it worked, a little. But I'm still feeling groggy and upset and wrote a pretty depressing journal entry in my physical one.

Come on kiddo, pull yourself together. The temptation was coming from everywhere last night and this morning. Yet I still don't feel like I'm struggling a whole lot to fight PMO - but I'm feeling withdrawals so dang painful I know something is going on in my brain. Mood swings, depression, headaches, insomnia, good LORD.

I'm also eating terribly. Carbs. But I went for a run this morning, which felt pretty incredible. Yet my food intake is really going to start hurting my progress, since I'm prone to emotional eating and I can easily put it in place of PMO.

I'm so scared. I'm horrified this is going to last forever. I don't know how to distract myself when I'm depressed. I'm not a religious person and can't even say if I believe in God, but I was so miserable I found myself sitting on the floor, my hands covering my face and praying to God to deliver me from this - to at least give me a break, or to even (!!) just let me die instead of deal with this life.

Pretty eventful afternoon.

Day 12

Curious things are curious.

As silly as it sounds, I don't feel like I'm withdrawing *properly*. Withdrawing from porn seems way to easy. By that I meant, the urge to watch pornography in and of itself doesn't seem to be there (xhamster, pornhub, etc.). The urge to MO was really difficult for a number of days, but it seems to have lessened and gone away completely at this point, unless something really stimulating through a screen comes up (flat lining? Is that right)?

Those withdrawal symptoms were rough, though. Insomnia hit hard the night before last. The PMO dreams seem to be coming and going on occasion now. No MW obviously. Been keeping myself really busy these past few days.

Upsides:
- I've been reading more and been able to focus on the page better over the past few days.
- I started playing piano again for the first time in weeks.
- Same with writing!
- I'm noticing a gentle (slooooow) decent of my social anxiety. I've been surprising myself at work with how I'm suddenly more social with customers, getting to know them and having actual conversations. It's really nice, I must say.
- I've gone running in the AM twice. Making it a goal to run three times a week now.
- I'll be adjusting my diet to cut carbs and protein to make up for the obscene levels I eat now. Focus more on natural fruits and vegetables and whatnot.
- I'm feeling like there's more time on my hands. Brain feeling a bit more clear these days too.

Day 14

Haven't had much of an urge to PMO, or MO in general. Felt a big uptick of anxiety yesterday and bit today, but it feels like it's softening a bit. Went running this morning, going dancing tonight. Hoping to feel a little better tonight, and even better tomorrow.

Exercise, writing, reading taking up most of my time right now.

Day 20

Been a bit underwhelming since my last update. Running every morning, still getting hit with bouts of anxiety and depression that come on rather suddenly and with ferocity. Still hoping the results are worth it, but it's nice to be focused on things that aren't PMO for a while. It's been surprisingly easy to avoid it - the first week was rough though, especially with wanting to MO.

Dreams are still coming and going of me failing all this, or watching porn. They're so vivid that I wake up thinking they really happened. Haha.

That's the addiction talking. I get those thoughts too and so do many others on here. Block them out. Porn free is the way to be.

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I agree! Thank you so much. Reading that really helped me find some peace of mind.

Dude the porn dreams are crazy! I don't think I've ever had such a captivating memorable dream in my entire life. I was about to reset my clock because I thought it actually happened.

Jack Can said:

Dude the porn dreams are crazy! I don't think I've ever had such a captivating memorable dream in my entire life. I was about to reset my clock because I thought it actually happened.

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I KNOW RIGHT. I can literally count the number of memorable dreams on eight fingers, and three of them have been porn dreams. Go figure.

It's sort of shocking how much the brain is trying to convince us PMO is the better path. Not only were the dreams vivid, they made me feel such pleasure and powerful orgasms that are NOTHING like reality gives us with PMO. How fucked up.

Day 22

Flat line sucks. Depression, lethargy, hopelessness, nothing *down there* at all unless I see something that triggers it on a screen. No urge to PMO much at all, but I know it's the brain telling me to give everything up and go back to PMO. Which I will NOT. That's the silver lining.

Feeling worried I'm replacing PMO with over eating though, to give a crummy dopamine rush. Gonna look into that.

Flatline sucks and I hateee it. I actually enjoyed checking girls out... That was fun for me to do and I feel like when I do it now I just don't have the same "Drive" behind it. Like I'm only going through the motions.

Day 28

About four weeks now. The past few days have been really, really good. Been writing every day and running three times a week, though I'm thinking of pushing it up to four and maybe doing home exercises on days I don't go out to the track. Having some buddies to push me there has really helped out.

I'm starting to get urges to be more social, to do more things like learning music. I've even started painting a little bit every few days. Feels like a very good use of my time. Been studying philosophy and taking my meditation more seriously.

Then again, I can't kid myself - the good feeling now isn't going to last forever. Some days this flat line is going to return with a vengeance, my brain so furious I've given it's near-only source of physical pleasure. My anxiety randomly spikes and other days it's non-existent. At work I'm having a great time with customers and other days I can't even look them in the eye. For so long I've been terrified of other people, and I didn't really put together how terrible it was. At least now it's been seen clearly.

I'm still worried I'm replacing my dopamine rush with other things - foods and games, primarily. Anyone out there have any advice on that?

Also - I'm reading books that are really helping my realize what this addiction has done to me. In a literal sense I've run away from every effort to put love on me, because I've never felt like enough. Never was I as beautiful as those in porn, and never did I feel like I could perform like them. Even love offered by my own family I ran away from (hundreds of miles) because I felt so on the edge of rejection. Yet love is the most pure thing the universe has to offer, and perhaps the easiest thing to offer - and yet I ran from it. I cannot keep doing that. I can't keep staying in places that are not helping me. No. I just can't. I haven't been focused on myself at all. I've been so, so damn lost.

Yet now, on a day so beautiful such as this one, anything seems possible.

ANightDude17 said:

Day 28

Then again, I can't kid myself - the good feeling now isn't going to last forever. Some days this flat line is going to return with a vengeance, my brain so furious I've given it's near-only source of physical pleasure. My anxiety randomly spikes and other days it's non-existent. At work I'm having a great time with customers and other days I can't even look them in the eye. For so long I've been terrified of other people, and I didn't really put together how terrible it was. At least now it's been seen clearly.

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I started doing self therapy I found on either another thread, or another site. http://www.selftherapy.org/listen.php The whole thing isn't very long, but I found it very helpful. It teaches you to just be with the feeling and accept it for what it is: a feeling, neither good nor bad. The change in my mood after adopting this thinking was like night and day. Instead of feeling a "miserable" feeling, I'm just feeling, something I haven't done in a long long time.

I've also had pretty much a never ending adrenaline rush for about 3-4 years now. I've realized it was the constant "down" state after a PMO high, a constant state of withdrawal. Anti-anxiety meds didn't do anything but I started taking a nootropic supplement called Tieneptine Sulfate which has been a miracle worker. No side effects, at least not with me. I will caution though, you have to take it in the recommended dose. But it seriously has been amazing at reducing the adrenaline. It's not gone, but it's maybe 25% of what it was.

ANightDude17 said:

I'm still worried I'm replacing my dopamine rush with other things - foods and games, primarily. Anyone out there have any advice on that?

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I've actually made the conscious not to replace it with other things. I'm trying not to change my routine at all and I think it's helped speed up the process. It's kind of hard because I have extra time on my hands (no puns intended) so really the only new thing I've picked up is going out more and reading more.

Keep at it though, I can't wait til I've got 4 weeks under my belt like you do. Let me know if you need an accountability partner, I still need one!

Day 35

I was so close to relapsing this morning it isn't even remotely humorous. I think I need to get the phone out of the bedroom, or get some sort of blocker. I ended up watching porn this morning. I didn't MO, but felt so close to doing so. Stunned how easy it was to fall back into that.

Anyone ever fall into watching P, without the MO? I'm pretty darn sure that's bad. I already feel so crappy this morning for doing it, and I'm hoping it doesn't count as a relapse.

Other than that, I'm not feeling any noticeable change in my life since quitting PMO. My mood is absolutely higher than it has been, the flat line period's worst parts seem over (god, I hope so). But I'm getting there, slowly but surely!

Yeap, you are not alone. The thing i am starting to do is meditation, because it helps alot, i already tried it once in a consistent basis and it did wonders to the brain. Now i am restarting again with meditation. It is preferable doing it everyday at the hour of the day, just that and the effects will be much stronger.

Dont stop, good luck pal

Day 0

I messed up. I messed up real bad. I made it between 80-100 days (I stopped counting at some point), figured I was safe and redownloaded Tinder. Thought I could play it safe on there and it just led to a total relapse when someone offered to sext. Fell apart.

So this led to an entire few months of relapsing, hence why I haven't been on here or updating this journal. All that progress gone, and suddenly coming in here and getting 80+ days is no longer a breeze. Just getting started again has proven to be the most difficult part. It is stunning.

When the urge comes, it is as if none of this exists and "oh, I'll try again tomorrow" keeps coming up in my mind as if to erase guilt. Getting started on a new round has proven to be insane.

You know what the craziest thing has been? I can see how the dopamine rush hurts everything else that I love - the things I used to cherish (and on occasion still do), so many of my life goals and ambitions are suddenly not as important. It's as if they don't matter at all, these passions that I used to consider a part of my identity.

I'm gonna try to update this journal daily now. Hopefully get some inspiration for another try at this.

Day 0

Relapsing relapsing relapsing. I don't want to be like this, to be tempted like this, to lose total control.

This seems impossible to beat. I was doing so well and yet I lost it all. Now I have no idea how this can get started again. I don't know how to do this.