Fapping, pliz go ->

I'm a 38-year-old guy who has struggled enormously with porn addiction since i was 21 (yes i'm talking back to the days of dial-up 28.8k ahem).

I have tried repeatedly to give it up but have always come undone around day 40.  The main downfall is the social aspect. While i can control the urges, to a relative extent, i have no social outlet in which to release them. i.e. no ladies to chat up. Not because i am a weirdo, but more because of my job (remotely-based behind a computer so lots of isolation) and my newness to the area i have moved to; a non-English speaking island with different cultural values.

Earlier this year, i met this 26-year old who i hit it off with and who fell in love. I'm not sure why, but i just didn't feel it in return. During sex, i couldn't cum despite her having an amazing body, and that really frightened me. I suddenly started to have real performance anxiety which really affected my libido. Anyway, i eventually ruined everything and ended up alone again. I, in part, blame my porn addiction for this. The intense shame and humiliation i felt really opened up my eyes as to how far i had fallen and how much of my life i had wasted.

Then, last week, i was badly rejected by a 36-year-old crush i've had for the past 18 months. For that, i blame my sloppy game but also my porn addiction. Why the porn addiction? Because for all the days spent fapping and fantasizing about her, i avoided going out and meeting other girls.

Yadayadayada i am tired of this nonsense and want it over with for good. I want to realize my full potential and go out and enjoy my life. I'm a positive, outgoing guy who is motivated and has most of his shit together (well except this aspect of my life) and who has no issues talking to people and making friends. I miss that side of me and i miss being in control of my life.

36-year-old crush also mocked me for wanting to find a good wife and start a family. While I want to prove her wrong, i know that shouldn't be my key motivation.

No Fap/No Porn for me started on August 9 so i am technically now on Day 10.

As part of my journey, i am using the following distractions:
- I train in gym and have been doing so for the past 10 years. However, while strong, my diet has been sloppy so i am now leaning down - adios man boobs. Aim is to lose 10kgs or 22lbs over the course of the next 60 days.
- As a Catholic, i have tried to pray more and meditate more and try to find meaning in this suffering of mine.
- Reconnect with old friends; take up new hobbies like dancing (I am a very awkward dancer and have never liked it, but hey, what better way to meet some ladies).
- Immunize myself against the gut-wrenching blow that rejection is by going out more with said friends and ultimately, getting rejected. I want to become a kamikaze bomber of rejection i guess :p
- Chat to more men and women in a casual environment. At my gym, try be more friendly and outgoing but not invasive with people.

I'll keep a daily log of my goings-on in the hopes i can make it through Day 90 and see all of these goals met.
 

Pdub

Member
Over the years I have had numerous sexual encounters where I've not been able to cum.  I lost a girlfriend because of this who ended up cheating on me, then kicking me out of the shared apartment we had.  Years later I had sex with another woman twice and both times could not cum.  She turned and spread this to all my roommates at the time.  It does feel pretty terrible for a while, but in time you get over it.  The problem with all these encounters was I never put 2+2 together to realize that pornography was causing my inability to orgasm to a real woman.  When you finally realize this and how you've been warped by using pornography it is a real eye opener.

One thought for your isolation behind a computer - can you not work out of a coffee shop or something one day a week? Being in public helps me a lot with urges and feeling lonely, which is one of my triggers.
 
Pdub said:
Over the years I have had numerous sexual encounters where I've not been able to cum.  I lost a girlfriend because of this who ended up cheating on me, then kicking me out of the shared apartment we had.  Years later I had sex with another woman twice and both times could not cum.  She turned and spread this to all my roommates at the time.  It does feel pretty terrible for a while, but in time you get over it.  The problem with all these encounters was I never put 2+2 together to realize that pornography was causing my inability to orgasm to a real woman.  When you finally realize this and how you've been warped by using pornography it is a real eye opener.

One thought for your isolation behind a computer - can you not work out of a coffee shop or something one day a week? Being in public helps me a lot with urges and feeling lonely, which is one of my triggers.

Hey Pdub,

The coffee shop idea is a good one. I'll try give it a bash later this week in the coffee shop in the mall near my place. Next week, i have to go away for work and will be in a social setting so should be a lot easier to achieve nofap.

Given what you said, now that i think of it, my first girlfriend also dumped me because i couldn't cum. This was at age 23 when i was using porn quite a bit. You know, the more i think of it, better i didn't find someone longterm because i would not have been able to cum with any of them either. I would then have gone through more emotional chaos dealing with the ensuing breakups.

Oi vey man, the regret and sadness i now feel. All those wasted years having sex with my hand..

Help me please guys, i need to make it through this BS once and for all.
 

mattdes

Member
Some of that is like reading something that came out of my own mouth. A lot of these stories are so similar to my own. I guess that's why this forum is so good. When you feel like a freak and an alien and then suddenly realize fuck I'm not alone at all. This is something that is getting more and more common and there is a cure and a fix. That feeling is great.
 
mattdes said:
Some of that is like reading something that came out of my own mouth. A lot of these stories are so similar to my own. I guess that's why this forum is so good. When you feel like a freak and an alien and then suddenly realize fuck I'm not alone at all. This is something that is getting more and more common and there is a cure and a fix. That feeling is great.

True man. Given the stigma about talking about this in public, its good to know you aren't alone and can find support from others stuck in the same rut.
 
Day 10 Review

- Generally a very shitty day; i felt very depressed and even hopeless for most of the day. The rejection really is playing on my mind, more so than ever before. I woke up this morning after 2 hours of sleep soaked with sweat and with a racing heart. All these images of this girl flashing through my head and a sense of despair. I guess the lack of dopamine coupled with the sense of humiliation = massive emotional shitstorm.
- Anyway, despite running on a lack of sleep, i went to gym but only did some treadmill work. Tomorrow, i'll resume weight-training. In the gym, i made it a point of talking to at least one girl there, in this case, the receptionist. Even though it was over a very banal issue ("Hey can you tell me if you know someone who does translations around here?") i still broke the ice with a girl i have seen here for the past two years but who i have never chatted to. So, +1, only 90 billion left to go.
- Called up a buddy i last spoke to a year ago and agreed to go meet him on Thursday for a chat and a drink. Granted, the guy sometimes depresses the hell out of me with his life stories, but i have to take what i can and he's a good dude at heart (at least i think so).
- Opened up to my mom about feeling absolutely shit. This may not seem like a big deal, but for our relationship, it is. I was always closer to my Pa when he was alive so talking to Mum about my crappy lovelife is also a big step. Did not talk about NoFap (who really wants to tell their Mom they're addicted to fucking themselves ;P)
- Around 1900L i felt absolutely shit so instead of going to watch TV, i.e. a solitary activity, i decided to go downstairs to chat with my neighbours who are pretty chill people. I was/am a very judgemental dickhole and have often dismissed them but hearing about how their lives are and their problems helped put mine into perspective.
- Chill neighbours gave me some valium to help me sleep. Not really big on these mood drugs, but i really need a solid nights rest at this point.
 

ImInControl

Active Member
Hey TUF,
welcome to reboot nation. Look forward to following your journey. I can relate to a lot of the things you write...
I am your age as well.. and the first 2 months was really hard (urges, depression, sloth etc). just a bomb of emotions - but today is my 4th month... still with some small bumps along the way but improved incredibly much compared to before. - you can do it too.

wish you all the best)
 
zazen said:
Hey TUF,
welcome to reboot nation. Look forward to following your journey. I can relate to a lot of the things you write...
I am your age as well.. and the first 2 months was really hard (urges, depression, sloth etc). just a bomb of emotions - but today is my 4th month... still with some small bumps along the way but improved incredibly much compared to before. - you can do it too.

wish you all the best)

Thanks for the kind words Zazen man! keep the struggle going!
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Maybe consider changing your screen name. It may have started out as a self-deprecation, but if you want to move your headspace towards your ultimate goal, I don't think this is a good name to carry or be associated with. Just a small thing maybe, but change is made up of many small things.... Best wishes, M.
 

NewStart04

Member
The Unhappy Fapper

The Unhappy Fapper said:
36-year-old crush also mocked me for wanting to find a good wife and start a family.

I know you mentioned that you want to habituate yourself to the fallout resulting from rejection, and I think that is one admirable goal for making yourself stronger. I just wanted to let you know though that it was really disrespectful and inconsiderate of her to say that to you. I hope you didn't take it to heart, and, in addition to recovering on this journey, I hope that you are indeed able to find a nice partner and start a family with them. Not sure if you have any lingering feelings from this experience, but I hope this comment makes you feel a little better if you do.

The Unhappy Fapper said:
Generally a very shitty day; i felt very depressed and even hopeless for most of the day. The rejection really is playing on my mind, more so than ever before. I woke up this morning after 2 hours of sleep soaked with sweat and with a racing heart. All these images of this girl flashing through my head and a sense of despair. I guess the lack of dopamine coupled with the sense of humiliation = massive emotional shitstorm.

Sorry to hear that you had to suffer so much. I hope that you can look back on this day of suffering as a source of strength. You've proved you can make it through intense distress with this, which means you can do it the next time it happens, and then the next. Let's push past this addiction together.

Hope you are feeling better now.
 
malando said:
Maybe consider changing your screen name. It may have started out as a self-deprecation, but if you want to move your headspace towards your ultimate goal, I don't think this is a good name to carry or be associated with. Just a small thing maybe, but change is made up of many small things.... Best wishes, M.

Sure thing. Can you kindly change it to Captain Amazing please?

NewStart04 said:
The Unhappy Fapper

The Unhappy Fapper said:
36-year-old crush also mocked me for wanting to find a good wife and start a family.

I know you mentioned that you want to habituate yourself to the fallout resulting from rejection, and I think that is one admirable goal for making yourself stronger. I just wanted to let you know though that it was really disrespectful and inconsiderate of her to say that to you. I hope you didn't take it to heart, and, in addition to recovering on this journey, I hope that you are indeed able to find a nice partner and start a family with them. Not sure if you have any lingering feelings from this experience, but I hope this comment makes you feel a little better if you do.


The Unhappy Fapper said:
Generally a very shitty day; i felt very depressed and even hopeless for most of the day. The rejection really is playing on my mind, more so than ever before. I woke up this morning after 2 hours of sleep soaked with sweat and with a racing heart. All these images of this girl flashing through my head and a sense of despair. I guess the lack of dopamine coupled with the sense of humiliation = massive emotional shitstorm.

Sorry to hear that you had to suffer so much. I hope that you can look back on this day of suffering as a source of strength. You've proved you can make it through intense distress with this, which means you can do it the next time it happens, and then the next. Let's push past this addiction together.

Hope you are feeling better now.

Thanks for the kind words NewStart and yes, lets make it out of this crap together man :)
 
Day 11 Review

A better day, especially after i had a decent 5 hours of sleep last night. Waking up always sucks balls though because then i suddenly realize its back to this BS and then i feel depressed. Overall, i felt this sense of yearning to go out and meet people but underneath it all was a whole lot of agony and fear.

Today, i went to gym and there i chatted to the receptionist again who actually went out of her way to help me find some details on a contact. Bless her, she seems like a nice girl whom i should not have judged beforehand. Also in gym, made a lady giggle by paying her a compliment and attempted to bro-down with my longtime gym nemesis. Actually is a down-to-earth guy who enjoys training as well, who would have guessed? :p

Spent the evening with my downstairs neighbours who told me all about their belief systems which was quite an 'interesting' experience (reincarnation/psychics/UFOs etc) to say the least. But at least it took me out of my apartment and the depressing loneliness i feel in here.

My thoughts still centre on the 36-year-old chick, my lousy date last week, and how i could have done things differently. But maybe the silver lining to this whole stupid thing is that the rejection has given me renewed impetus to get clean and to get refocussed on what really matters in life. I honestly have no wanting to back to porn now. Yes, there are urges when i'm alone at my desk, but at least psychologically i am in the right frame of mind to make sure i can try and make this my decisive push towards a final lasting victory.
 

malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
The Unhappy Fapper said:
malando said:
Maybe consider changing your screen name. It may have started out as a self-deprecation, but if you want to move your headspace towards your ultimate goal, I don't think this is a good name to carry or be associated with. Just a small thing maybe, but change is made up of many small things.... Best wishes, M.

Sure thing. Can you kindly change it to Captain Amazing please?
Was just trying to offer some advice to help you. I'll leave you to it.
 
OK thanks, Malando; will do.

Day 12 review - 3/10

This was a very bad day.

I felt very depressed. Real feelings of worthlessness and regret about everything in my life and my choices. I went to gym just to be around people, anyone in the hopes i could chat to them.

Reading other people's reboot accounts where they kick this stupid habit, improve themselves, but still find no woman or partner really shook me. Intense feelings of doubt as a result.

I wept this afternoon. But i didn't give in. Fuck you i won't let you win, not again.

To get out of my pity party, i called a buddy up and went to meet him for a drink. Basically told him everything that happened over the past 12 months - is a sympathetic guy but not the best when it comes to being a rejection kamikaze. Also, i didn't feel emotionally strong enough to go through with it. But, he did point me in the direction of learning dancing i.e. Salsa and bachata dancing. Granted, that isn't my cup of tea but i guess i'll have to do it to meet more girls.

Tomorrow night is yoga.
 

mattdes

Member
The Unhappy Fapper said:
OK thanks, Malando; will do.

Day 12 review - 3/10

This was a very bad day.

I felt very depressed. Real feelings of worthlessness and regret about everything in my life and my choices. I went to gym just to be around people, anyone in the hopes i could chat to them.

Reading other people's reboot accounts where they kick this stupid habit, improve themselves, but still find no woman or partner really shook me. Intense feelings of doubt as a result.

I wept this afternoon. But i didn't give in. Fuck you i won't let you win, not again.

To get out of my pity party, i called a buddy up and went to meet him for a drink. Basically told him everything that happened over the past 12 months - is a sympathetic guy but not the best when it comes to being a rejection kamikaze. Also, i didn't feel emotionally strong enough to go through with it. But, he did point me in the direction of learning dancing i.e. Salsa and bachata dancing. Granted, that isn't my cup of tea but i guess i'll have to do it to meet more girls.

Tomorrow night is yoga.

Ah ha!!!! That's exactly what I'm about to do. Cuban Salsa and yoga! Great idea man. Just stay active. Do new things. Bad habits out and good habits in. It sounds like a great plan and oh yeah fuck you to the urges!!!! You are better than them!
 
mattdes said:
The Unhappy Fapper said:
OK thanks, Malando; will do.

Day 12 review - 3/10

This was a very bad day.

I felt very depressed. Real feelings of worthlessness and regret about everything in my life and my choices. I went to gym just to be around people, anyone in the hopes i could chat to them.

Reading other people's reboot accounts where they kick this stupid habit, improve themselves, but still find no woman or partner really shook me. Intense feelings of doubt as a result.

I wept this afternoon. But i didn't give in. Fuck you i won't let you win, not again.

To get out of my pity party, i called a buddy up and went to meet him for a drink. Basically told him everything that happened over the past 12 months - is a sympathetic guy but not the best when it comes to being a rejection kamikaze. Also, i didn't feel emotionally strong enough to go through with it. But, he did point me in the direction of learning dancing i.e. Salsa and bachata dancing. Granted, that isn't my cup of tea but i guess i'll have to do it to meet more girls.

Tomorrow night is yoga.

Ah ha!!!! That's exactly what I'm about to do. Cuban Salsa and yoga! Great idea man. Just stay active. Do new things. Bad habits out and good habits in. It sounds like a great plan and oh yeah fuck you to the urges!!!! You are better than them!

Thanks for the kind words Matt, they are much-appreciated man :)

Just an update for y'all since last week. Day 16 and going strong despite many difficulties.

Went to yoga last week but wasn't able to talk to anyone there which was depressing. Efforts to make small talk were rebuffed by all - eh, can't win 'em all i guess.

Anyway, am now out of the country on business and although it feels good to be out my depressing apartment, i still feel like shit when i'm alone. When i'm with others, this side of me comes out that is full of energy, positivity and dynamism but when i'm alone, this overwhelming sense of emptiness, sadness and despair washes over me. It's as though i use the social interactions as a way to expunge all the negativity and pain that builds up inside me.

Yesterday, i spent the day out with one of my employees and his wife. I sat there the whole time looking at the way she looked at her husband and he at her and thought, that is what i want (not her, the connection and bond between them). The regret of having wasted so many opportunities..

While these last few days have been particularly painful, i haven't had to use valium to sleep since Saturday (touch wood). I have had inner peace but still wake up with anxiety and depression each morning.

I ask St Jude for extra help each day as i really feel at the end of my rope some days.
 

mattdes

Member
The Unhappy Fapper said:
mattdes said:
The Unhappy Fapper said:
OK thanks, Malando; will do.

Day 12 review - 3/10

This was a very bad day.

I felt very depressed. Real feelings of worthlessness and regret about everything in my life and my choices. I went to gym just to be around people, anyone in the hopes i could chat to them.

Reading other people's reboot accounts where they kick this stupid habit, improve themselves, but still find no woman or partner really shook me. Intense feelings of doubt as a result.

I wept this afternoon. But i didn't give in. Fuck you i won't let you win, not again.

To get out of my pity party, i called a buddy up and went to meet him for a drink. Basically told him everything that happened over the past 12 months - is a sympathetic guy but not the best when it comes to being a rejection kamikaze. Also, i didn't feel emotionally strong enough to go through with it. But, he did point me in the direction of learning dancing i.e. Salsa and bachata dancing. Granted, that isn't my cup of tea but i guess i'll have to do it to meet more girls.

Tomorrow night is yoga.

Ah ha!!!! That's exactly what I'm about to do. Cuban Salsa and yoga! Great idea man. Just stay active. Do new things. Bad habits out and good habits in. It sounds like a great plan and oh yeah fuck you to the urges!!!! You are better than them!

Thanks for the kind words Matt, they are much-appreciated man :)

Just an update for y'all since last week. Day 16 and going strong despite many difficulties.

Went to yoga last week but wasn't able to talk to anyone there which was depressing. Efforts to make small talk were rebuffed by all - eh, can't win 'em all i guess.

Anyway, am now out of the country on business and although it feels good to be out my depressing apartment, i still feel like shit when i'm alone. When i'm with others, this side of me comes out that is full of energy, positivity and dynamism but when i'm alone, this overwhelming sense of emptiness, sadness and despair washes over me. It's as though i use the social interactions as a way to expunge all the negativity and pain that builds up inside me.

Yesterday, i spent the day out with one of my employees and his wife. I sat there the whole time looking at the way she looked at her husband and he at her and thought, that is what i want (not her, the connection and bond between them). The regret of having wasted so many opportunities..

While these last few days have been particularly painful, i haven't had to use valium to sleep since Saturday (touch wood). I have had inner peace but still wake up with anxiety and depression each morning.

I ask St Jude for extra help each day as i really feel at the end of my rope some days.


All of those feelings are perfectly natural pal. You are healing . It might not feel like it at times but you are healing! Big thumbs up. Just the way you noticed the way the couple were looking at each other. That's normal to want that and to feel depressed because of missed opportunities. I get that too. We are human. We have a problem that we are going to fix. Imagine what it's going to feel like when you are in his position and cured and a woman is looking at you like that. It's going to happen. There is no "if". Stick to the plan and you'll be there. It's a domino effect. You won't have to try to engage in small talk soon . Stay active and you will be approached. People will be trying to engage you. You are doing great. Keep up the good work. Two thumbs up!
 
mattdes said:
All of those feelings are perfectly natural pal. You are healing . It might not feel like it at times but you are healing! Big thumbs up. Just the way you noticed the way the couple were looking at each other. That's normal to want that and to feel depressed because of missed opportunities. I get that too. We are human. We have a problem that we are going to fix. Imagine what it's going to feel like when you are in his position and cured and a woman is looking at you like that. It's going to happen. There is no "if". Stick to the plan and you'll be there. It's a domino effect. You won't have to try to engage in small talk soon . Stay active and you will be approached. People will be trying to engage you. You are doing great. Keep up the good work. Two thumbs up!

Thanks for the encouraging words Matt! its always nice to feel there is someone rooting for you on this long journey! You are right, i will focus on the longterm positive and suffer through this hopefully shortterm hell to get there.

Day 17 - 5/10

Today was a good day.

Initially, i expected to have the usual shitty, depressing day but it changed unexpectedly when i arrived at the office. There, i was the first in and was making coffee, minding my business, when this stunning Lithuanian girl came in and sat down at the communal lounge. I figured, what the hell, let me try talk to her. Asked her where the cups were kept and it basically flowed from there. Made a few jokes that made her laugh - fuck it was a great feeling to feel again. In the past, i would have scurried off to my office but i made progress with her. Didn't get any numbers but just being able to talk to her after the above-mentioned 36-year-old blew me off made me realize i wasn't completely worthless. Score one for the Fapper  8)

Later struck up conversations with other people at the water cooler, joked with them as well. Feltgoodman.jpg Got some dude's contact details for LinkedIn - granted its a dude and not a chick - but nevertheless, its still a good step in the right direction i.e. increased sociability.

Rest of the day with my team was very good. Felt so happy to be with my guys - cracked jokes, turned an otherwise boring presentation into a less boring one; i felt on top of my game again. Had dinner with my boss who flew in this evening and got on really well with him. No anxiety and lots of confidence.

Then i came home to this Airbnb apartment and the sadness washed over me again. Emptiness and despair. Eh, i guess you can't have it all. Still, today was progress.

A quick note on more sociability. Yesterday evening after work, i was feeling pretty shitty and coming back to my place made me feel even worse. So, i decided to go to this park where they have  outdoor workout equipment - dip bars, chin up bars etc. On the way there, i had the sudden compulsion to stop and chat to a couple of Orthodox Jewish guys who were just standing there.

I would never have done this in the past. I simply walked up to them and said "So you guys are orthodox Jews huh? Cool!" Granted they were taken aback at some guy suddenly accosting them (in retrospect it was a very odd thing to do and i would have reacted the same). I chatted to them for 5 minutes, asked them about where they were from and tried to make chit chat. It was awkward but hell, it felt invigorating not feeling shy.

Then, after doing a quick workout in the park, i was sitting there and heard an Italian family chatting near me. So i went over to them and introduced myself in Italian and asked if they'd chat with me to practice my Italian skills. Again, another awkward interaction, but it was fun to feel so invigorated.

In the park, i noticed there was a strip club adjacent. I can't lie, it did really appeal to me to go in for a lap dance and something more - ahem -  in the past i would have caved in but this time round, i would have felt too ashamed to feel any sense of enjoyment at all.

In terms of urges to take a quick glance at porn and fap, they are there - in the afternoons, alot, but as i am in the office, i can resist better - not sure how i will fair when I get back home this coming week. Will keep on my guard.
 

mattdes

Member
This is all sounds very positive pal!! I'm delighted for you. No reason you can't do that every day . Keep going strong!
 
mattdes said:
This is all sounds very positive pal!! I'm delighted for you. No reason you can't do that every day . Keep going strong!

Thanks for the encouragement Matt! Will keep soldiering on even though these changes in hormones and emotional highs/lows really take it out of you.

Day 18 - 6/10

It was a decent day despite waking up with a pounding heart following a dream where the 36-year-old basically laughed at me. I felt very depressed getting out of bed although, for some odd reason, i did so with a semi chub. No real sexual feeling given how crappy i felt, however.

Anyway, the morning, like that previous, started with me being the first in the office. Lo and behold, i bumped into another stunning Lithuanian girl in the corridor. We chatted and had an amazing rapport - my game was fire i tell you. It was so nice to talk to a hot girl with brains (she's an architect) and with a good sense of humour. But, i didn't ask her for any contact details given i didn't want to look like a weirdo in front of my colleagues. Man, i hope i see her again before i go.

Rest of the day with my team (a sausage fest) was good as usual. Very outgoing and positive with all my guys. We all went out for dinner this evening but seeing my guys with their girlfriends and wives again made me feel crap inside. In fact, walking around town and seeing all these couples together and happy really sucked. Anyway, it is more motivation to rid myself of porn and make this thing happen for me.

Came home feeling lonely but not utterly shit. I found my thoughts drifting towards porn this afternoon, but was able to nip in the bud.

Emotionally, i still feel very fragile - prone to depression and despair in situations where i don't feel comfortable. Feel very much more self-conscious now though i don't know if that is part of withdrawal or the lingering effects of my rejection (basically was told i'm not her type because i don't look like a bisexual Russian model lol). But, you know, maybe that rejection was a blessing in disguise as i currently have zero interest in looking at any ladies' Facebooks or Instagram accounts (a trigger for PMO for me in the past).
 
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