Porn, Performance Anxiety and Me

rseid3

New Member
Hi,

This is my first post to any forum of this kind but I wanted to give vent to my situation and hope to find some common ground here.  Basically, I struggle with sexual performance anxiety that has seemingly gotten worse since college, and I think Porn plays a big part in that, as well as other less visual sex media (magazines, music, movies) that can influence how I feel things "should be".  I've realized the ridiculous accessibility and habitual usage of porn has conditioned my sexual impulses to fire on overdrive and lead to much dissatisfaction if I dont get off. 

My story:

26 y/o, male.  My early sexual history has been pretty normal I'd say...started masturbating at about 12, first saw porn at about 14-15, became healthily interested in girls around this time too, lost virginity at about 16, and became regularly sexual in college at 18 y/o.

I had largely great first sexual partners/experiences in college, and my attitude on sex was pretty relaxed and in fact I often surprised myself with quality performances and laid back attitude.  I was playful and pretty confident, and I was forward with my desires although not desperate at all.  I would still have tinges of performance anxiety if it was a new girl or an overromanticized situation, but most of the time I performed to a level that satisfied me and my partner.

As college ended, and the fruit became less often and less ripe, I increasingly used porn to satisfy myself.  I often would see my PMO sessions as "tests" of my libido and would do multiple sessions a day to "train" myself for when I got back with a girl.  I also used MO as a reward for when I finished a task or at the end of a day of work.  So I began to follow my every little impulse to PMO and would be having a sandwich and then ZAP, lets go to the computer and rub one out, I mean why not??  I didnt realize i was getting addicted to it and couldnt go a day without it.  It was making me happy but dependent.

I think becuz of this constant sexual-mindedness, I began to really start developing performance anxiety too.  I would have a good PMO session, but then be hit with anxiety of .." i could do that with a girl?"  I was (and still am) incredibly fearful of not lasting long enough and giving a good performance.  When I got with a girl, I would have expectations of myself performing like the pornstars I saw, or worry if i could last as long as i did while Masturbating on my own.  I started to really grade myself from a Porn standard, and i would worry about my performance in the moment and lose my cool.  One slip of the mind is all it took.  Seeing blown opportunites (no pun intended) started to get me down, but I kept watching porn and using it to "train" myself to get erections and last long. 


Recently I lived with my girlfriend who is from overseas, and this is where my PMO addiction started to really cause big problems.  The main thing was that, for the 4 months before we lived together, i was on a daily MO routine, again "training" myself to have sex all the time with her and please her.  All my years of compulsive PMO made me expect that she would have the same routine of sexual desire.  When we got together at last, my sex drive was in 5th gear, always always wanting it.  She wanted it too, just not as much, and I got depressed everytime my impulse wasn't able to get fulfilled.  I would even get mad sometimes and just drift away from her, feeling hurt that she didnt give me what I wanted.  TO make matters worse, The performance anxiety kicked in pretty soon too because after multiple "missed" shots, and when finally she did feel like it, I felt like I had to giver her some Peter North dick so she would want me again.  I feared if i didnt perform, our sex would be painfully infrequent. Of course this pressure caused me to perform badly, and it became a negative feedback loop fueld by compulsive desires and then PA-ridden sex, if it even happened.  Our sex became awkward, forced, and not very playful at all.  We talked about it and how i want it so much that it adds pressure, but talking didnt change the thoughts and dynamics.

So, she left bak home and ive started a reboot.  Im about 2 months no P, but have MOd a few times.  Kicking Porn has not been that difficult, but whats really hard is to try and reduce the frequency and strength of sexual impulses.  I will get a thought and feel like I want to touch myself daily, wake my penis up and just show him attention.  But I know this is my addiction talking, wanting to be fed with a short high.  I need my happiness to be less governed by these impulses or else I am just an addict, never free.  Also after the problematic situation with the GF, I really don't want that to happen again with other girls, that sex has overblown expectations, is pressurized and "needy".  Bad sex, Not FUN!  I also think the ravenous sex impulses bring up the PA, so im hoping that quieting those will help quiet the PA too, cuz that shit sucks.  I get scared thinking about sex with girls because I'm so hung up on performing!  Im hoping the reboot will help me have a more balanced attitude, however long that may take....

Anyways, anyone else who has similar stories, thoughts, insights, experiences...I would love to get feedback and feel less alone with these issues.  Thanks Reboot Nation!




 
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