I don't know how it never crossed my mind that the one could be related to the other. The porn, and the issues with performance. I thought I was just dealt a raw hand, a non functioning body. Sometimes I was fine, and sometimes... Impotence is a terrifying word. It's the thing that we are trained to despise. It's never a symptom, it's only a death sentence. Our fellow warriors look to us and laugh. "His sword has lost its edge", they say. I solved the problem by staying out of people's beds. That way, I was a man of mystery, and never a failure. But the hunger never left, and where one does not feed oneself, one turns to alternatives. The porn use got worse, and here I find myself. I met a beautiful, intelligent woman the other day. One that represents all the things I've always yearned for. But she's hungry too, and I know that the time will come soon when I will be unable to feed her. I know I need to change. I'm trying. But the worst part is this feeling that it's always too late to salvage the relationship of today. That I can only save myself tomorrow. And I've never believed in a future me-- I'm too pragmatic. I'm afraid. I'm petrified that I don't love myself enough to save myself, and that I will find myself abed with someone utterly worth caring for who will look up at me with terror in her eyes, and that quiet question "Don't you want me?". I don't know what I'll tell her.
~Thyme
~Thyme