I WILL DO THIS

Hey everyone,

My name is Kayden and I am 18 years old. I understand that this is the forum for 20-29 year olds but would really appreciate your additional support; also, many of the members of that forum do not have the same issues as me and don't seem the addiction as seriously. Anyways, this is going to be my journal to track my progress as well as add another aspect of accountability in my life (I am currently looking for an accountability partner as well).

My story:

I started watching porn when I was 12/13 years old I believe. I never felt super dependent on it, and would just PMO when I felt horny or was already erect. Around my freshman year, I started to masturbate extremely regularly and with more "prestigious" material. I would go on sites, which I will not mention to tempt anyone, that had all of the premium porn videos for free and began to fuel my addiction. Sophomore year, I had my first makeout and this was also the first time I sexually interacted with a girl. I was able to achieve an erection, at least to the best of my recollection, but we did not act on it. So, I think I still had sexual function. My junior year was really rough for me; I got caught up in completely unnecessary highschool drama and was left classified as an asshole and lost many of my friends. I felt really alone and began to watch porn more often. This past summer, I got into a friends with benefits with a girl. I don't know what I was thinking; I think I knew that I had PIED after my morning wood started to disappear but still decided to do this. Anyways, she confirmed my doubts. I had PIED, I couldn't get an erection during sexual intercourse, and at best, achieved a semi erection for 5ish minutes.

Immediately after, I decided to begin my reboot. I went through an on and off cycle for around three months, going around two weeks porn free and then relapsing. I also felt really alone; I didn't have any friends, my family was always preoccupied with something, and the girl who I had friends with benefits with, I started to develop strong feelings for, and then she left for college.

Regarding some of those other issues, I came to the conclusion that they weren't issues at all. I didn't have any friends because I got involved in drama that I shouldn't have gotten involved in, my fault. I began to fall in love with a girl who was going to eventually leave to college, when I should have been focusing on my college apps and building my life up instead.

My Reboot:

I hope my journey is somewhat clear. I suffer from PIED and am now aware of it. I have other "issues" which I have realized are not issues but learning points. So that leads to my reboot... What am I going to do?

For starters, I have adopted a mentality that states: I CAN DO THIS. I am a strong, and resilient man. I watched several youtube videos that preached that men who are able to control sexual habits, especially porn addiction, are STRONG, and I am certain that I am one of them. I will not succumb to my urges, but instead I will control them.

Second, I have adopted lifestyle changes to help me with my addiction. I am currently in the process of a 48 hour water fast. I am not certain if this will work, I will let you guys know once I have completed it, but it is supposed to help rewire the dopamine centers and gratification centers of your brain, the same ones that are fired during a reboot, helping addicts during a recovery process. But again, I am not an addict. I am a strong, and resilient man. Along with this, I have started to take cold showers to shock my body and build up self discipline: no sexual thoughts allowed! I have also taken on new hobbies: I used to play video games very regularly and also just wasted countless hours on youtube. Now, I read and am learning to play the guitar to really better myself and stay away from electronic devices.

Thirdly, I have started this: my accountability journal. I WILL post on this daily for I am a strong and resilient man. If anyone is interested in being an accountability partner, let me know, cause I am looking for one of those as well.

TLDR: I am in control of my reboot. I have changed my lifestyle and am doing what I can to be in the driving seat. I am a strong and resilient man that is not an addict, and simply needs to stop watching pornography.

October 22, Day #2.

I began my reboot yesterday, so today is technically day #2.

I AM A STRONG AND RESILIENT MAN. I AM NOT A PORN ADDICT. I CAN DO THIS. I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE. I need to keep reminding myself of this.

Today is the first day of my 48 hour water fast. I will try to drink at least 32 ounces of water every 5 hours. I also need to work on my college applications and my other hobbies. I have a lot of work to do and its not going to get done by itself.

To Do's:
- Work on college apps
- Play Guitar
- Find a book that you can read and comprehend, don't try to just pick up something for the sake of appearance. Actually read and cleanse your thoughts.
- Workout. HARD AND INTENSE. Don't bother if you are just going to waste your time. GIVE IT YOUR ALL!

Don'ts:
- Don't watch porn
- Don't think about B (this is the nickname I will be giving the girl that I started to fall in love with for anonymity reasons)

Hey brother, keep going, dont fantasize, dont edge, dont let yourself near any temptation.

It is good that you discovered this early, i wish someone would tell me this when i was young.

I have read that the younger u quit, the faster your recovery will be, because you are less fked in the mind than you will be in your 20s. You are doing your future self a great favour, keep going

October 23, Day #3

I decided against doing a waterfast; I'm still in varsity swim so going to workout and practice without the energy is brutal. I will maybe try to do one over a specific weekend to build up my self discipline. I started gaming again and stayed up till 2 playing teamfight tactics. I like to play games but I shouldn't let them make me lose sleep. I AM STRONG AND I CAN DO THIS. I will keep telling myself this until I fulfill my vow to abstain from pornography.

TO DO'S:
1. Stay focused during school and do your homework early so you don't feel stressed over the weekend.
2. Upload your orchestra piece.
3. Workout and don't take a nap!

DONTS: 1. Don't think of pornogrpahy/watch it 2. Don't think about B.

Hey Anu, welcome to the forum and good luck on your journey!  You will certainly learn and grow in substantial ways you can't imagine yet and that should be a very exciting prospect.  Starting at 18 is so much better than in the 20's, I would love to have gotten those 5 years free of porn, but alas, I never knew until now.

I have a few points of advice for you if you're interested.  First of all, don't hold yourself accountable to an unreasonable standard.  What I mean by this is having thoughts about porn is going to happen, you've conditioned your brain for years.  But don't entertain them, fantasize, or act on them.  That is when you become culpable. 

I also will say that another member of this forum (whose name I am forgetting) has shared a very helpful method of handling urges which I strongly recommend.  In general, fighting urges will only make them worse.  It builds the urge up to be something so huge that it can't be fought.  The only way to win sometimes is to not fight.  It's called urge surfing and it goes like this. 

1. recognize the urge
2. allow the urge to be.
3. investigate why the urge is there.
4. realize the urge is temporary.
5. recall the feelings of emptiness after PMO.
6. resort to an emergency activity.

In general, keep in mind no matter what that you have free will, and to mind the gap between thoughts and action.  You can always choose what to do, regardless of how you feel in the moment. 

Lastly, pay attention to your triggers and when you are vulnerable.  Situations like being home alone, being drunk or high, or watching sexual media (even non-porn) can be triggering to a lot of people.  There may likely be other triggers as well.  I have found personally that my PMO use is strongly tied to stress, and so I work on self care through meditation primarily.  If you slip, use it as a chance to learn why.

I like your positive attitude in this endeavor.  More than anything else, that will serve you well in growing past this as long as you hold onto it.  This is an opportunity to grow as an individual, and you should be excited for it!  Good luck.

Thanks for the sage advice walker. Excited to be accountability partners with you! Send me a message when you are able to download whatsAPP.

October 24, Day #4:

I feel extremely contempt. My college applications are coming along well and I have gone 4 days without porn. I won't be doing my water fast this weekend, but I should definitely schedule it for a later weekend. Actually, lets just make it next weekend.

This morning, I woke up, turned on some music, brushed my teeth, and then went immediately outside. I gave this advice to one of my accountability partners, his reboot nation name is Legend, and I think it works nicely. It starts my morning with peace, and coupling it with some meditation really helps me feel grateful for my situation: I have a loving family that works scrupulously and am aware of my personal issues and know how to solve them.

My sexual urges have been extremely minimal recently, probably because I am only 4 days in. In my previous reboot cycles, I noticed that the second week is always the hardest. This is normally when I experience a flatline and then directly overcome it, which leads my brain to think "HAZAH! you may pmo". No! I cannot do this. My accountability partner asked me when I usually relapse and I notice that its normally when school finishes and before I get started on my homework and take care of my other responsibilities. If I notice that my penis comes alive sometime this week, I will immediately barge into my brothers room and start talking to him, or call one of my accountability partners, or go outside and meditate. I MUST BE ACTIVE, DON'T STAY IN YOUR ROOM AND FIGHT THE URGES, AVOID THEM. I will also try to adopt Walker's strategy when I meditate.

Also, I had a view sexual dreams last night, but nothing too major that involved a lot of fantasy. It was a pretty normal situation, I was in the backyard with my parents and their family friends, just having a conversation, and then randomly I would think about one of the woman's privates and then go back to normal conversation. I've noticed that my urges are often like this, they come in short spurts. I think that walker's advice is good but I should definitely try to limit my urges so I don't allow my self to thing and dwell about them for hours at a time and then eventually PMO.

I AM A STRONG MAN. I AM NOT A PORN ADDICT. I CAN DO THIS!

TO DO'S:
-Finish one application
-Play some guitar
-Upload Orchestra Piece
-Play some video games if you want to but schedule it so you aren't sitting on your computer for more than 2 hours at a time.
-Sleep at 9-10 P.M!

DONT'S:
-DONT PMO!
-Don't think about B

I like your commitment, starting the recovery process at 18 is great and really responsible. It is better you do it now than find out later what you should have started a long time ago. I'm sad you have PIED at such a young age. I encourage you to keep fighting this out and trying to be better. You can get better and you will.

Keep pushing back, I'd be following your forum

I am sad about it too... I feel pretty down about the idea that I can't have sex while just a few years ago, I would get boners from seeing the tiniest of cleavage. But, this is another thing driving me. I want to return to normal, and I WILL! Thank you for your encouragement.

October 25, Day #5

Hooray! 5 days boys. My sexual urges have been extremely low recently, but my dick is completely lifeless; I think I hit my flatline. I normally have a flatline in the early process of my reboot cycle. I mostly relapse when I overcome this flatline and my brain tell itself "its okay you can now masturbate". NO! NO! NO!

I don't need to masturbate Mr. Brain. I AM STRONG AND INDEPENDENT OF PMO.

I start regular swim practices this week so that should hopefully keep me distracted. I have been falling short on pursuing my hobbies so I should really spend today to realign. Its hard because the hobbies that I am pursuing, guitar and reading, are things that I am not TOO super passionate about. If you guys have any other suggestions for hobbies please let me know.

I WILL NOT MASTURBATE TODAY!

TO DO'S:
- Revise your college application with family
- Finish learning the guitar piece
- Sleep early
- Be positive about everything

DONT'S:
- Don't play more than 2 hours worth of video games after 4 P.M

"Its not about stopping, its about accepting you have stopped" - Do or Die, thanks for the advice man.

October 26, Day #6

These past few days have been shockingly easy. No real urges to PMO and very few sexual fantasies. I am afraid that once these sexual urges suddenly arise, I will be caught off guard and my brain won't be prepared for the battle.

Masturbation and porn is fucking up your life. ACCEPT THAT YOU HAVE STOPPED IT. Remember that emptiness you feel after relapsing, it is horrible. If you relapse, you will just be caught in the endless cycle. YOU HAVE STOPPED AND ESCAPED THIS CYCLE!

I AM STRONG AND INDEPENDENT OF PORN. I AM RESILIENT AND DOING WHATEVER I CAN TO BETTER MYSELF.

TO DO'S:
- Drink lots of water
- Focus on school work
- Workout
- Sleep at 9

DONT'S:
- DON"T PMO!
- DONT THINK ABOUT SEX/ PURSUE URGES

Keep going strong brother, be mentally prepare for when there is a sudden rise in the urges, never falter ! We are in this journey together

October 27, Day #7

Just hit a week. Exciting stuff!

I had a very sexual dream last night. I don't want to describe it to limit triggers but TLDR it was very sexual but it was not a wet dream. I didn't even wake up this morning with MW. Maybe it was just my urges kicking in for porn.

I have a really busy day today and I need to stay focused on the tasks I need to complete. Absolutely no room for error/inefficiency today.

TO DO'S:
- STAY STRONG

DONT'S:
- DON'T PMO

Those dreams come and go. Just stay strong and forge ahead. As you go deeper into recovery, they will subside

I can't believe I almost forgot...

I AM STRONG AND INDEPENDENT OF PORN. I AM NOT DETATCHING FROM PORN, I HAVE ALREADY DETATCHED. YOU GOT THIS KAYDEN LETS GOO!

October 28, Day #8:

I had a slight mental breakdown yesterday: it was a combination of stress and loneliness. I feel 10x better now.

I have a really busy few months coming up which I think was the main cause of the breakdown. I realized though that maybe this is a good thing: I'll be distracted and constantly doing something, which will help me stay focused during the hardest part of the reboot. However, the stress that is also coming up will be hard to deal with... I need to remind myself that college applications, while important, are not the sole priority in my life. I have hobbies, I have a reboot, and I need to focus on them as well. This should help me keep the stress limited for the next few months.

Today is Day #8. This is the longest streak that I've had which which I have LOGGED into a journal. I think journaling is helping tremendously. I told my accountability partner this, but visualizing my progress is so helpful when it comes to remaining motivated.

Porn is a toxic, artificial stimulation. It has completely ruined my libido, sexual function, and happiness. I envision a life without porn, one in which I'm happy, one in which I am confident, one in which I can be intimate with a partner. I will be in college, hopefully, in one year. When I'm there, I will be thriving, becoming educated and being social. The only way I can do this is if I work hard, stay focused, and abstain from porn. LETS DO THIS KAYDEN.

I AM STRONG, INDEPENDENT, AND RESILIENT! Porn doesn't have a hold on me, I am in control. "Its not about stopping porn usage, its about accepting that you have stopped" - Do or Die.

TO DO'S:
- Stay focused in school - even if the classes are easy build up self discipline and focus by staying focused on the subject material and not multitasking
- Work on your application and call your accountability partner at 2.
- Swim Practice
- Finish H.W and continue to work on applications
- Find time to play guitar and violin

DONT'S:
- Don't PMO
- Don't think about unnecessary things (B, other girls, your highschool fuck ups) --> This stuff is in the past, focus on the future
- DON'T GIVE UP!

Hey, it"s normal to feel lonely during this recovery process. You need to know this loneliness will push you to meet engage new people.

My prior recovery process made me so lonely i walked out of my comfort zone and engage strangers in conversation. It worked out for me and now i have a gang to hang out always. I"m really thankful for it, this would not have happened if I didnt feel lonely.

Also, congratulation on getting to your longest streak ! But still, stay vigilant and alert.

Hey everyone and thanks for the advice mr. stronaut.

I just wanted to get a quick post in before I practice guitar and then go to sleep and I wanted to direct it at myself.

Kayden, you got this man. You are 8 days in, you are a beast! A year ago, you would come home after a long day of school and swim practice, feel bored and then masturbate. You would fuel your brain with toxins, completely eradicating your sexual system. Its sad to think about sometimes, but its true. You can't have sex... at least for now.

YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU CAN DO THIS. THIS JOURNEY SEEMS EASY AS OF RIGHT NOW BUT THAT'S BECAUSE THE URGES ARE MINIMAL. THIS IS THE REBOOT, NOT JUST ANOTHER REBOOT. THIS IS THE MOMENT FOR YOU TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE, THIS IS YOUR TURNING POINT. GET YOUR LIFE BACK ON TRACK! FOCUS!

August 2021, that's the month we need to reach. Actually fuck August 2021, lets make it July 2090. No porn for the rest of your life... You don't need it, and its just trying to use you. Think of porn as a scammer, it reels you in and then absolutely demolishes you. Nah, get that porn shit outta here. You aren't quitting porn usage, you are accepting the fact that you quit.

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPOOO

If urges to come back, don't panic. Implement the STAR technique and go find your brother. Talk to him for at least 10 minutes and let your thoughts subside. Then, grab your guitar and sit in his room: fuel your dopamine a different way.

I like the energy...and the way you put down what you need to do when the urges come. Stay vigilant though cause they are coming.

Thank you Chris and everyone for the support.

October 29, Day #9

I'm considering not even paying attention to the days anymore. I told my accountability partner this but viewing the reboot as a step to step process, rather than a holistic approach, is far more beneficial. I will take recovery as a day by day process; I will still log what day I'm on but if I don't see results in 90 days, I don't want to feel worried.

Busy day again today. I resumed my swim practices yesterday after a small hiatus and I get super tired after. I think I need to reschedule my day so that I get my work done before, and then focus on my hobbies/activities after.

I AM STRONG AND RESILIENT. LETS GO!

TO DO'S:
-Stay focused on your schoolwork, build up discipline
-Eat a healthy lunch!
-SWIM HARD
-Work on your applications until your head hurts.

DONT'S:
-DON'T PMO - easy...
-DON'T GET DISTRACTED