Rebooting questions (for newbie)

Hi Reboot Nation -

You guys are truly a LIFELINE for me.  I was(/am) feeling totally worthless.  I was hopeless that I would ever heal.  Then I saw Reboot Nation.  I saw that I'm not alone - that was hugely helpful.  And having an actionable plan for recovery is even better. 

On that note...I have a few questions as a new rebooter (day 2 lol).  (I tried to look through the comments but could not find the answers I sought.)

1. P-subs are not ok, right?  It's insanely difficult - I look around at all the attractive women around me all day and I just a) feel like shit and b) feel like I want to jerk off.

2. I'm married, and not sure how to navigate having sex with my wife.  She wants to have sex, but I won't be able to come/ejaculate (what's the right term) PIV without thinking of someone else.  Should I help her O?  Should she vibrate herself?  I can abstain from sex but don't want to deprive her...

3. What are good resources describing what to do in the recovery period?  It's way too overwhelming to go through all the links - I tried reading a couple but couldn't find a good guide.  Help, please?

Thank you!

PS - biographical info: I'm 26 y/o; was a virgin until married at 24; PMO about 1/week since 12; huge amount of shame (very religious upbringing - and currently practicing)

Hi Faptrap
May have some hope for your marital situation. I am 'Christian' too but have learnt that other religions have thousands of years of useful experience that does not conflict with Bible based faith. To the point, suggest you both try non orgasmic slow sex. No need to worry about performance or intention. You don't even have to maintain hard erection. Try whole body focus and be present with one another rather than trying to excite your wife and vice versa. It works. New level of excitement and pleasure. All the best.

1) P-subs. They fire up the same neural pathways. The best way to think about it is that in cutting them out you are killing off your wiring to 'Artificial Sexual Stimuli' ie. if it's on a screen, it's a no go. Everything from tube-sites to girls doing yoga on Instagram.

2) This is case-by-case. If you have PIED or low libido, it's going to be very beneficial to take some time off of orgasm, 2-4 months is generally a baseline to work from. From there, base your orgasm frequency on symptoms. Many times when guys return to orgasm they experience old negative symptoms (sluggish erections, headaches etc.) If that's the case then stop orgasms. You can still have sex just don't orgasm, the more time you can spend hugging, kissing the better.

3) It's very simple, here's a general prescription:

a) NO artificial sexual stimuli, ever.
b) No self masturbation - it tends to awaken the same pathways as porn. This isn't strictly true for everyone but it's often required.
c) Avoid orgasm as required (described in #2)
d) Rewire as much as possible with consideration to 'c)'


'Rewire' simply means more time with a real partner, everything from hugging to sex.

This video doesn't go too in-depth on the exact recovery process, but it's imperative to learn what you are dealing with and in-fact this video has a fair amount of content on those who are religious in recovery also:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLtSoWrEplM

Faptrap, thanks for sharing that.  I was thinking the same questions, but for some reason I was not asking them.

Tyr, that's good advice.  I'm at day 25 now and I'm nervous about coming back together with my wife.  I'm afraid it's going to trigger a relapse. Still,  It's also scaring me a little thinking of going another 3 months without orgasm. But what you're saying is that we can still have sex and not have an orgasm. Right now (in my journey) it sounds like something that will cause me to edge. Do you think we should go 2 - 4 Months without having sex even? There's alot of anxiety involved here.  I don't want to screw it up. Thanks